How to divide household chores if DH works away all week?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

My husband had been working up in Scotland while I've been living in Greater Manchester with the kids since Christmas. Prior to that, we all lived up there and I was a SAHM while he worked. So, I was responsible for most of the housework.

Now, I'm working nearly full time, although he still earns the most money.

He's sometimes able to come down for weekends, and sometime in September (we hope) he'll be able to work from down here in Manchester two days a week and travel up there for three days. But, that means he'll go to work on Monday morning (before the school run) then leave the office for the train to Glasgow and stay Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday nights. Thursday, he'll catch a train that will get him home at about 10pm, and work a full day at the office on Friday (getting home about 7). So, he'll be home Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, but his only two days "off" and at home will be Saturday and Sunday. I am not happy with that because that still leaves me with all the weekly grunt work in regards to the kids and school, and I can't do the hobbies I wanted to do (knitting group and a beginners brass band). But, it has to be, so oh, well.

Here's my question, though:

When he's down here every weekend, is it OK for me to want him to do a fair chunk of chores? I was thinking that I should do some basic upkeep during the week (dishes, a load of laundry a day washed and dried but not necessarily put away) and do a quick tidy and hoover just before he comes home on Thursday so he doesn't arrive into chaos. But, after that, I sort of wish that he'd do the rest. Like, folding and putting away all the laundry, tidying the boys' bedroom, and generally keeping on top of things for the two days he's home. I will take the kids out on Saturday am for swimming lessons (time for him to put away laundry) but then I'd like it if he'd entertain the kids a bit while I go lie down in bed and have a rest or watch TV.

He is the sort of man who likes to come home, fill up on stodgy food, and then go into a coma in front of the TV. Generally, he will spend a Saturday watching the telly and being annoyed that the kids are quarrelling/asking for snacks/making a mess. I tend to try and escape. I can't relax at home so I will go out to the shops or for a walk or something and he'll sort of complain about me "disappearing again." I just CANNOT sit down in front of the TV. I have to keep getting up to fetch and tidy. The only way to get away from it is to leave the house.

I know my husband works very hard and "needs" to veg out on weekends. But, he lives in a spartan little room up there in Glasgow and unless he goes out with coworkers, he has very little demands on his time in the evenings. He also gets to sleep without interruption.

What do you think would be fair?

I think what you're asking for is perfectly reasonable. How much he earns is irrelevant. He may earn more than you but you have responsibility for the home and children more than he does. What counts is how much time you each have to do as you want.

And how much time does DH have to " do as he wants", in his spartan little room ?

Even if you count the time the DH is his spartan little room as work time, the OP's requirements for help are not unreasonable.

But I wouldn't count his time away fully as work anyway, as the DH is free to go to the cinema, pub, read a book, etc in a way that the OP is not because she's responsible for DC so cannot go out and in a home that requires domestic upkeep to keep ticking over.

This myth that people (typically men) who "work very hard" should get to veg out at weekends pisses me off.

I typically work 50-60 hours mon to fri plus weekends as required. DP is a SAHM. I want to spend time with my kids at weekends and pull my weight with chores, as I recognise that taking care of a home and young family is boring. We each get one lie in on the weekend.

I want to help, because I love my family and see it as just as much my responsibility when I am home. I am grateful to DP for enabling my career by doing the school run, shopping, cooking etc.

I think maybe you are being a little unrealistic here but I do understand this is a difficult situation. Me and DH are away ALOT and have the following rules:

1. House should be as tidy on return as when left
2. Do not let laundry build up during the week (nightmare when someone then comes back Friday night with a weeks worth of washing)
3. Person who is away should spend some time in the week doing chores remotely eg online shop, pay bills, budgeting, arranging insurance, online banking etc
4. Prep any big tasks for the weekend (eg dh currently away and we need a new light fitting so I have bought it, found all necessary tools etc ready to do it togther when he is home so we can minimise time on this and maximise our fun time)
5. First night back is a no chores night, have an easy dinner/takeaway and relax together (and get used to each other again)
6. After that everything is equally split for the time we are both at home

It works for us, I have to force myself to relax standards sometimes though

As someone who traveks for work I would say dont underestimate how knackering it can be, or how little fun it is sitting in a hotel night after night. People think it is exciting/glamorous/fun...it can be, but often it is just lonely.

Also, cant your boys tidy their room? Maybe with Dad supervising? Are they old enough to pitch in yet?

Thingsthatgohump - sounds like you've got it sorted. Respect!

I think that you need to talk about when:

• he spends quality time with the children.
• you get some downtime to recharge your batteries.
• he gets some downtime to recharge his batteries.

During the week, when I'm working from home I do most of the housework. When I'm away from home, he does. On the weekend we split the chores fairly evenly and ensure the work gets done early on so that we can all spend time on things we enjoy.

Ok, boot on the other foot. I'm incredibly anal, but when I did this, I worked away with a 16 yr old, fairly low maintenance, but stayed away. I took the hours during the week, about 70, compared to his 40, I banked 30. He did 10 caring over 5 days, earning me 25 hours, taking into account 4 hours travel, 29 hours over a weekend that should be mine. 29 hours of doing stuff that I chose to do, but minus 8hrs of sleep, 21 hrs in 2 days. Doing my bit when I was there, but not expected but chose to do home stuff then too.

Hope that came across as helpful OP rather than criticism, you sound very much like me with the not being able to sit still/having to fetch and tidy etc. I used keep going til everything was perfect, which was never, so I never had a break. We had to work really hard to meet in the middle, with me really struggling to relax on a friday night if the house wasnt tidy, and DH really trying hard to be bothered enough to tidy up. We tend to do and hour and a half spurt together on a saturday morning so we can then relax after. Unless your house is huge that should be enough to get it into a decent state.

Can you afford a cleaner for a few hours/week? How old are your kids? Can they put their own clothes away/tidy their own room? I can see this negotiation could be tricky. Are there other things you can do during the week which would make weekends less demanding, eg cook double and freeze the extra? Buy your food online for the same timed delivery each week.

How about also suggesting something you all do as a family each weekend, eg get dh to go swimming, too, or all go cycling or something else? I find the weekends when I feel most grumpy are those when I do loads of chores in parallel to my kids playing at home and dh does his own thing.

Ah, cross post, our situation is similar to Things.

Another important thing to us is communication. Quite often one of us will walk in and say, "I just need half an hour to myself" so that they're not expected to get straight on with the food shop or that DIY project or whatever.

Ha, thanks hermione, it took a lot of 'discussions' to get there, and we could still do better

Can you afford to outsource most of your chores?
This is what I would do if I could afford to.
I would say that you need some "me" time without the kids more than dh as he has a lot of time on his own in the week.

Get a cleaner.
I can't believe that with 2 adults working full time, one away from home most of the time, and with 2 kids are haggling over housework.

Your time together at weekends should be family quality time. Neither of you should be doing anything other than the basics then- cooking, dishwasher and quick laundry if need be.

I would be putting my foot down more about his being an oaf and watching TV whilst ignoring me and the kids than not doing his share of the dusting.

I'd make sure you have something planned for yourself at a weekend, for half a day at least- massage, manicure, swim, meeting a friend etc. And make him responsible for something at home.

I am a cleaner!

I have considered getting one. Perhaps to come in on Thursdays so that if I tidy, s/he can do the actual cleaning and hoovering, and the place will be in good shape for his arrival. I think he would be annoyed if I did that. At the same time, he fully understands that after cleaning all day, I'm not in any mood to clean my own home. Most of the problem is tidying, really. And that I just have to do.

I think I could do some things to make things easier for the weekend, like making sure there's food on hand, having things ready to go.

As someone said above, it's really an issue of me trying to allow myself to relax while wishing he'd be less relaxed/more motivated to clean.

This weekend, I asked if he'd do the laundry. I know there was more than he could complete, but he literally did one load. Actually, he didn't do it. He moved one from the washer to the dryer, then washed one load. That was it. I noticed that the dryer needed more time to be done and I moved the load from the washer to the dryer. Nothing got put away. He really did sit and watch hours of TV.

I told him that I wanted to make him a list of things to do and he said that would be great. It will have to be a detailed list, though. "Do laundry" clearly isn't enough direction for him.

I think you need a bit of you time - maybe friday nights to do whatever you want plus you get the lie.in on Sat. Aim to both 'sort the house' on Saturday (rope in the kids if they are old.enogh), so that you know by Sat night you can both relax. Spend Sunday as a family.

The kids can tidy their own room, but they need direction and encouragement/supervision. My DH would just yell at them that they couldn't come downstairs until it was clean and watch TV. I think a bit of that combined with actually going up and helping them/directing them would work better.

He is overwhelmed by the kids. I manage to take all three of them into Oldham for their swim lessons and even walk around the town centre with them, but he would be unable to cope with the way they run off in three different directions. He doesn't even like to go to restaurants as a family because their behaviour stresses them out. Same with going to Mass. He likes to go to an early Mass on his own so that he can have the peace and quiet. I used to drive down here to his parents every school break when we lived in Scotland and he'd get a few days of peace in a quiet house. I would BEG him to do the same for me just once - the thought of being home alone for three or four days sounded like bliss - but he adamantly refuses because he couldn't handle the idea of driving all three kids in the car for five hours.

Well, if he is going to shirk childcare then he can damn well do all te housework.needed when he is home. Surely thats the only way - usually its good.ol 50/50 with kids and house but if he cant handle the kids then he can do all the housework!

How old are your DC?

You have 4 kids there , not 3.

It's terrible that you can't trust their father to be alone with them and look after them safely.

You need to start delegating that along with the rest of stuff you do.

He sounds as if he lives the life of a single man but has a full time housekeeper and someone to provide him with offspring.

Haha Katy you sound so much like me it's unreal, I am sure I will get flamed for this, but DH had a cleaner as a child, and just never learned what needed to be done. He just doesn't think 'oh, I've just got home from a week away, better unpack my suitcase and wash my clothes' or conversely 'dw is home tonight after a week away, she'll need to do some washing, better get the wet stuff out of the drum and hang it up so the machine is free' ...he would literally put a wash in on Monday morning, forget about it then be surprised that I was annoyed when I had to rewash it on Friday night when I got home as it stunk! Made my head explode after a knackering week! We have a huge blackboard where we write the list of chores to be done and tick them off, literally used to be like this:

Washing x4 -3 darks, 1 light, wash dry and put away
Load dishwasher and turn on
Unload dishwasher and put away
Clean bathroom; sink, toilet and shower. Wipe down tiles
Empty cat poo tray and take rubbish out. New litter in tray
Hoover whole house, incl stairs
Shopping: food for week, deodorant, loo roll, cat food
Change light fitting
Car tax (by July!!!)
Book vets (for a Saturday)

Now (after lots of practice) is more like this:

Washing
Dishwasher
Clean bathroom
Hoover
Shop
Light
Tax
Vets
Buy xbox

Guess who added the last one?

Sometimes I used to think he does things deliberately badly so I dont ask him again...but he was so affronted by this suggestion that I am sure it wasnt true....I think the problem was, he never got taught this stuff as a kid so whilst it comes totally naturally to me, a lot of stuff just didnt occur to him. I will make damn sure though, that my dc can do all this stuff, and recognise when it needs to be done

Hmm, massive cross post. Sorry! It doesnt sound as if you have a light hearted problem that is easily (ish) fixed like ours was, it sounds like he is delegating responsibility for the whole of family life to you. Kick. Him. Up. The. Arse.

Our kids are 4,6, and 9. They can be coached/directed to do more. I have fallen into the trap of just going ahead and doing it myself because it's easier than nagging and getting a half-assed job out of it.

My husband is a nice man who fully recognizes that I work very hard. He just is very... lethargic. I mean, he's physically lethargic. Part of his problem is that he's very obese. So, if he sits down in front of the TV, it's actually a big effort for him to get up, again. It's easier for him to parent by alternately yelling and ignoring because he doesn't have to stand up.

Another thing: although he's always very clean-shaven for work, he tends to think of weekends or days off as time to just not bathe or shower. A week off of work will usually mean him only showering for church on Sundays. And because of his size, he doesn't have many clothes that fit him so he'll wear the same pair of pajama bottoms and shirt all week. It's really not very nice at all. It makes me feel disrespected to be honest.

He used to be worse. He used to sit there and signal that he wanted food by smacking his lips. He thought this was cute. I disabused him of that idea very quickly.

But, he can be passive-aggressive and is very quick to take offence. It's hard to ask him to do things in a tone that doesn't offend him in some way. So, if he does something badly or incorrectly, I have to figure out how to tell him the issue without him going into some big thing about being sorry for being so useless.

I am being very whiny! Sorry!

I will try to come up with a list of things to do for both week and weekend that is fair to both of us.

I am trying to avoid being critical of religion as an atheist, but if he can spend time going to mass then he ought to put some of his Catholic beliefs into practise-which includes being a caring H and father.

I'm sorry but he sounds like a man who absolves himself of any responsibility for anything except work. If he is obese he is putting his own life at risk as well as the livelihood of his kids because the odds are that unless he loses weight he won't be around long enough to see them as adults.

Sounds to me like you need to have a very serious talk about his health, his behaviour and his total lack of contribution to the family.