How to divide household chores if DH works away all week?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

My husband had been working up in Scotland while I've been living in Greater Manchester with the kids since Christmas. Prior to that, we all lived up there and I was a SAHM while he worked. So, I was responsible for most of the housework.

Now, I'm working nearly full time, although he still earns the most money.

He's sometimes able to come down for weekends, and sometime in September (we hope) he'll be able to work from down here in Manchester two days a week and travel up there for three days. But, that means he'll go to work on Monday morning (before the school run) then leave the office for the train to Glasgow and stay Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday nights. Thursday, he'll catch a train that will get him home at about 10pm, and work a full day at the office on Friday (getting home about 7). So, he'll be home Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, but his only two days "off" and at home will be Saturday and Sunday. I am not happy with that because that still leaves me with all the weekly grunt work in regards to the kids and school, and I can't do the hobbies I wanted to do (knitting group and a beginners brass band). But, it has to be, so oh, well.

Here's my question, though:

When he's down here every weekend, is it OK for me to want him to do a fair chunk of chores? I was thinking that I should do some basic upkeep during the week (dishes, a load of laundry a day washed and dried but not necessarily put away) and do a quick tidy and hoover just before he comes home on Thursday so he doesn't arrive into chaos. But, after that, I sort of wish that he'd do the rest. Like, folding and putting away all the laundry, tidying the boys' bedroom, and generally keeping on top of things for the two days he's home. I will take the kids out on Saturday am for swimming lessons (time for him to put away laundry) but then I'd like it if he'd entertain the kids a bit while I go lie down in bed and have a rest or watch TV.

He is the sort of man who likes to come home, fill up on stodgy food, and then go into a coma in front of the TV. Generally, he will spend a Saturday watching the telly and being annoyed that the kids are quarrelling/asking for snacks/making a mess. I tend to try and escape. I can't relax at home so I will go out to the shops or for a walk or something and he'll sort of complain about me "disappearing again." I just CANNOT sit down in front of the TV. I have to keep getting up to fetch and tidy. The only way to get away from it is to leave the house.

I know my husband works very hard and "needs" to veg out on weekends. But, he lives in a spartan little room up there in Glasgow and unless he goes out with coworkers, he has very little demands on his time in the evenings. He also gets to sleep without interruption.

What do you think would be fair?

Things You're right! I have to be careful how I "correct" him. I don't say "You're doing it wrong" of course, but I do need to think about how to phrase it and your way sounds good.

And,yeah... the weight thing is just... it's really hard on both of us. I sometimes complain about it like in this thread, but when it comes down to it, all I can really do is vent. There's nothing I can actually do FOR him ABOUT it. That said, I will probably bring up the idea of a doctor's appointment again at some point.

The rejecting him sexually thing isn't good. I honestly don't do it to spur him on or anything. I sort of hope that it will, but it's equally likely to just make him feel worse and make the problem worse.

I simply don't know how you can say you have no reason to divorce. you clearly have very low expectations of what you deserve in a relationship.

He's lazy, irresponsible, doesn't care about his own appearance or cleanliness , and by implication, doesn't care about you.

You are in fact enabling him by putting up with it.

And it's a sad role model for your kids seeing their dad behave like this.

I do see it a bit from his pov - he is working away from home all week and you want him to come back at weekend to do chores. I would say that if you can afford it get a cleaner - to cut down weekend chores - if the cleaner would get paid the same as you earn maybe you should cut your hours. I work 3 days and DH full time. I do more childcare and cleaning than him - he does help tidy up after dinner but basically that's it - says he would rather pay a cleaner than spend his Sundays doing laundry rather than spending time with the kids.

The weight is another matter completely but totally not related to he cleaning and chores....

I guess a danger of living in a hotel during the week is that you get quite accustomed to being waited on - sit down and food is brought, walk away when you've finished - and it might take a conscious effort to leave that attitude behind when you come home - especially if spouse tends to 'lead' on meal prep, clearing etc. Do you think that could be a factor? Does he do any of the cooking/serving of food - do you eat together as a family?

I guess a danger of living in a hotel during the week is that you get quite accustomed to being waited on - sit down and food is brought, walk away when you've finished - and it might take a conscious effort to leave that attitude behind when you come home - especially if spouse tends to 'lead' on meal prep, clearing etc. Do you think that could be a factor? Does he do any of the cooking/serving of food - do you eat together as a family?

double-post gremlin strike - sorry...

On a practical note, I have put dymo labels on the top edge all of our clothes drawers so that everything has a place, and anyone putting clothes away knows exactly where they go. It is also handy because the DC also know exactly where everything is, so they don't mess up the drawers when they are looking for things.

I have similar systems in the kitchen and other areas of the house.

OP, you sound super capable and that might be why he hangs back, plus being lazy.
I would get a cleaner and not scrimp on the hours. A cleaner in the house without the constant distraction of DCs can achieve a hundred times what you can in the same time. While she/he is there she can do several loads of washing.
Really, DH should be taking DCs to swimming. Even if he doesn't go in.
Are you choosing the 'nice' jobs you want to do then moaning when he doesn't do what is left.
Once you have a cleaner what will be left? As has been said in other threads don't tell DH to clean the kitchen, you must give very specific instructions eg take hoover and vacuum lounge, moving all the furniture and vacuuming underneath. Then wash the dishes in the sink etc etc.
And why doesn't he do bed time if you do it the rest of the week. Just doing those things I've mentioned is enough to get him moving about a bit.
Can you find something he is good at so that he is doing it because you and DCs need him to do it eg homework. A bit of admiration and appreciation might go a long way with him.

I'm going to nick that Dymo labels idea, BerylStreep.

OP, I'd get a cleaner. No-one wants to do housework at the weekend; doing stuff with kids is the priority.

OP, you sound really lovely and I agree with you about not engaging re his weight.
Will DH's job be away for ever?
Is it maybe crunch time and time to say this isn't working; you need to make plans to live at home and get more active and active in the children's lives?

Try asking him "So, what are we going to do this weekend?" Then, regardless of his answer you should steer the conversation round to the fact that family time, X, Y & Z chores, and him giving you a break from parental responsibility are obviously key, so which does he want to do first, and when is he going to do the others?

If he has to verbalise "sit in front of the TV, not wash, not interact with the kids and not do any chores" maybe it will make him realise what a lazy arse he's being, as well as a terrible husband and father.

Plan the weekend in advance I.e. "ok, I'll take the kids swimming on sat morning, and if you Hoover, clean the car and put the bins out whilst I'm gone we can all go to the park after lunch" then he knows what his responsibilities are and has a deadline to do them.

Do you think that kind of tactic would work?

I think having a specific plan for the weekend that includes both chores and family time is a good idea.

I can't afford a cleaner for more than a couple of hours a week, and I would have to be pretty organised to make it work, in terms of keeping clutter clear. It's something I am thinking about.

I also know that the kids need more structure and entertainment on weekends, especially during school holidays. They get very bored and can't play outside because our street isn't safe.

So what happens if you say, 'let's all go out to the park' on Saturday mornings?

Does he just refuse? Or is it the problem of him not being dressed so that he can't go anywhere?

He gets dressed and we go.

I do that sort of thing. It's always me doing it, though.

While his default is sitting in front of the TV, he's willing to do stuff if I suggest it. It takes continual direction, sometimes, lest he drift back to the TV.

Maybe cut the plug off the TV? Might do the whole family good to go tv-less for a few months. Seriously- it can be done.