Am prepared to be told I am being stupid.... but I cant help the way I feel

[LadyTambaOfTambaTown]

I have a feeling that alot of you may think im being ridiculas, and maybe thats the case, but I cant help the way I feel. So instead of telling me to grow up, id much prefer it if you were helpful

Ive posted before a few months ago about dhs weekend away, where he was planning on going to strip clubs etc. I had alot of mixed feelings about it. In my mind, they are degrading (for both the men and women) explotive, and I veiw men that frequent them as dirty and letchy and slimy. (IMO)

SO anyhow, Dh and I talked it through at lenght and we decided that he would respect my veiws and although I had tried to see the 'fun' aspect of it, I just always go back to thinking of the dirty, shameful bit, and he decided he wasnt going to go to them. I was pleased that he had listened to my feelings and had decided to respect them.

I spoke to him this morning after getting a text from him in the middle of the night saying he was drunk and having a great time. He'd spent the evening in a strip/lap dancing club and as it had been pre-booked (he hadnt told me!) they had there own private veiwings etc.

I feel discusted with him. I cant help it. I feel like I have no respect for him and I dont even want to think about him touching me again. I know this may be an over reaction but the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

We have left things badly with me telling him I want nothing further to do with him Hes not back til tommorrow night, and will be out tonight at the strip club!

All advice welcome.

I don't think you are being ridiculous. If you are disgusted at him,(and I would be if DP did this) then keep away from him, get him to sleep on the couch or in the spare room even.

Don't worry too much though. You're not separating, just having some space and making a point..and he can use the time to ask himself if strip clubs are more important to him than his wives feelings.

wife's feelings..

Get the spare room ready for his arrival!

I think that how your dh conducts his sexuality does have a bearing on you, after all, you are the one he has sex with!! I would try to find a time to really sit and tell him how you feel, and be clear on what you want to say and do about it. If it affects you in this way then he really needs to think about what is more important as MT said. How would he feel if you were doing something that upset him this much? Presumably he would want you to stop?

Is there any chance he could have misunderstood your discussion about this? (Clutching at straws). You're not being ridiculous, you had made an agreement, he broke it. And now seems to be wanting to stomp on the pieces by going out again.

You clearly feel strongly about it, I would be absolutely appalled if my dh suggested he go off to spend an entire weekend in strip clubs, to be quite honest.

I dont think you are being ridiculous either - if my dh did this, especially after agreeing not to, then I would be reacting in a very similar way. I'd also be very angry about the pre-booking thing, as I would know he had deliberately concealed it from me, in order to avoid an argument. This wasn't just going into a strip club on the spur of the moment, this was premeditated, when he knew exactly how you felt and had agreed to respect your views.

Also agree with you about the degrading, sleazy nature of this. I think I would feel the same about my husband touching me after he had been in a place like that. I think you have every right to be upset.

Keep us posted about how things go when he gets back.

Tamba - go to the bookstore today and get a book called Female Chauvinist Pigs bu Ariel Levi - it's all about this, how it's deemed fashionable and acceptable to go to strip clubs but then gives arguments as to why it's so not acceptable. It's a really easy read too. You'll be half finished it by tomorrow and will have some good logic to back up your feelings.

Ariel Levy with a y not a i

Will check out that book :)

Thanks for not saying im being crazy lol (although maybe others will come along who think i am )

Just feel let down and kind of betrayed

I don't necessarily share all of your views about strip clubs and what they mean - though they certainly wouldn't be top of the list of places I'd want DP to visit.

However, the big big thing here is that he's LIED to you, and furthermore, knew all along that this particular trip had been prebooked. When you add in your own personal feelings about those sorts of places, I'm not surprised you feel disgusted.

Whatever the situation, if you'd already expressed severe misgivings about it, it's very sly to go ahead and do it anyway. And what I can't understand is this ..... not that I'm excusing lies AT ALL .... but he'd ALREADY lied to you, he already knew how strongly you felt, so why did he tell you where he'd been - even going into the gory details of private viewings - knowing that you'd be dreadfully hurt ? Ok ..... guess he was being honest (at long last) but having already lied, why not keep it up so at least you didn't have to be going through this ?

Of course, as I'm typing this, I appreciate most of us want our partners to be honest with us but in this case, I don't see what his honesty has achieved - apart from to cause a lot of upset. Was his telling you maybe a way of "asserting" himself, as in "you're not telling me what to do" ...... which of course brings us back to he shouldn't have therefore told you he WOULDN'T go in the 1st place.

And furthermore, I've just re-read your post having only skimmed it 1st time and had assumed he was on a stag do or something. Then I realised you'd also said he was out again tonight - at a bloody strip club ...... like it's a whole weekend geared round them! That is NOT on ....... I honestly think some men have total shit for brains sometimes. No wonder you feel betrayed.

Is he within "striking" distance ..... I'd be tempted in your shoes to storm down there (maybe not very dignified I know) and confront him.

Poor you - what a selfish thoughtless sod.

Hes in BlackPool and Im in Birmingham (It is a stag do btw)

I would, on the occassion rather he had lied to me - but i would have found out anyhow as his brother is there and as he knows how I feel about strip clubs, as I had previously asked him if there would be any strippers and was told No! And he would have been dying to tell me. He would have found it amusing.

he went along with the herd. at the tiem he said he was not going to go he meant it, but when he was with his mates, anddrunk, if he had said

'sorry mates, my wife thinks these places are degrading to women, so I am going to pop along home now'

well...i guess he would not have been strong enough to do that.

I have been to these places for research some time ago. And the women are strong, rich, and in control. It is the men that are sad fuck wits IMO!!!

I would not be too upset.

I would definitely be upset if my dh went to a strip club and I would feel the same as you tamba. He should not be willing to risk your relationship for a boozy night in a strip club imo.

Did he organise this trip Tamba? So he could have organised other entertainments beforehand - but he organised the strip clubs anyway?

Private viewings? My dh wouldn't get near my front door after that! Seems that he agreed to your conditions just to please you, and thought that the pre-booked thing would enable him to throw up his hands and say "what could I do?"

I would be similarly disgusted and upset. Marriage is about respect and I know dh would respect my feelings and not go if I really didn't want him to. A strip club is one thing, I wouldn't mind that, but private viewings is something else! Would he have been alone with the girl?

It's about time he started respecting you and your wishes.

prvate viewings is not one on one

So the group of men go into a private room to leer over one woman dancing?

Sometimes I do thank God for my dh, I know he'd probably walk out. He once stood up for a women waitress who was being subjected to perverted chat-up lines from a mate, all our other mates where laughing along with it even though the poor waitress was clearly embarrassed, dh stood up and told him to shut the fuck up or he'd lamp him.

This simply is not on Tamba. I don't know what you can do, the damage has been done. Make it clear that he is not welcome to come back home after the stag night? Give yourself a few days without him to cool off and for him to think about it. Refuse to take his calls and make him sweat for a while.

Thats what I feel like doing Rhubarb. I dont want to see him, I dont want to talk to him. I am too angry and hurt.

Makes it worse that they are going back to the strip club tonight.

His brother organised it, knowing how i felt about them. My attitude has always been the same, since me and dh first got together, we have always agreed that they are off limits in our relationship.

Hes been looking at, getting lap dances from, fantasising about these naked women. And to me thats wrong.

Beety - I agree that the men are sad fuckwits!

I think he has shown a lack of respect and I trusted him to keep his word and he let me down.

I dont want him to come home atm. I honestly dont. I want to pack a bag and drop it at his moms and have him stay there so I get time to calm down so we can talk without me wanting to chop his nuts off. His mom will hate me though because she also encouraged bil to book the strippers knowing that I felt strongly about it. She sees everything as a power struggle when its not. Im not competition - shes his mother ffs.

Im not upset at the thought of him staying at his moms, just relieved that I wont have to look at him.

Do that then. Give each other a bit of space and then he'll realise just how strongly you feel and what a tit he has been. You can't go disrespecting other people's feelings. He and his brother and friends will try and tell you that you are overblowing it all, that you have a problem etc etc. So don't answer the door to them or the phone, don't speak to anyone. Let them stew and muse over what you are thinking.

He's got a lot of making up to do. But he has betrayed your trust and it's up to you how you deal with that. You need to get through tonight and then you need a few days to calm down. Send him a text to tell him that he'll be staying at his mums, give him something other than those girls to think about tonight. But don't you answer any more of his texts ok? Before you speak to him you need to be calm and rational and have your argument well prepared.

Bloody hell ..... have just put 2 and 2 together and realised that you're the poor woman with the interfering, lying bitch of a MIL who very nearly ruined your night out, which had been arranged BEFORE DH went on this stag do !

The whole family sounds mean, spiteful and petty I'm afraid if they get a kick out of seeing you get upset, and causing trouble between you and your DH.

I agree. It seems as though your feelings have no importance whatsoever to them. And your dh doesn't stand up for you at all? I think a bit of time apart might do you both the world of good. They'll realise what a strong person you are and that you won't put up with all the shit they seem happy to throw at you.

My husband did this exact same thing 2yrs ago (altho without me knowing before hand that it may happen and therefore without the promise either that he wouldn't).

His excuse was that he hadn't felt able to say 'no' and look stupid and 'henpecked', so to speak, in front of his mates. I then found out later that he had also had a lap dance too:(

It took me a long time to get over it all and forgive him for it, and I will never forget. He knows my feelings and (I hope) wouldn't do anything like it again.

Because until then we had (and now again still have:)) a good marraige in which we can talk, it didn't come to the stage of us splitting or even sleeping in different beds. I guess I am lucky in that respect, or maybe niave and too forgiving, I don't know. I did talk to lots of my real-life friends and they all said I was much too forgiving and that they would have been much more angry than me....maybe that means I am too soft......

I felt tho, that I did still love him (and obviously still do) and that I could still envisage(sp?) us growing old together. Also, the kiddies had never seen us having any major probs (except for the usual arguements) and I didn't want them to see that we were having any at that point as I just couldn't have dealt with their upsets too, so I hid it from them and went to friends instead. I did go to stay with one of my best friends for the next few days after tho, citing some 'me time' needed. leaving him in charge of them and for me to get some head space.....helped enormously to get things into perspective and for me to get the feelings of immediate disgust out of the way to without the kiddies seeing.when I came back we could talk and got thro it.

I also got some revenge....I told his mother who took him to one side and berated him in only the way a mother can...(I luckily have a fairly good relationship with my MIL....some things irritate me hugely about her but on the whole I am glad I have her:)) That worked well

Oooh, and I also abused his credit card online buying myself lots of stuff to make me feel better.
he also knew that my friends knew and what their feeling were, and that also went a long way to making him see that the way he had behaved really wasn't on for a married man and father of 5!

From what I could gather the wives/girlfriends of the other guys also were very very angry, and it did actually split one of them up. didn't split the stag groom from his bride tho, but I have no idea what she had done on her hen night. The stag group were mainly work mates of my DH. he went to the stag do, we weren't invited to any part of the wedding.

He hasn't been on any stag do's since tho, altho he has mentioned another planned for later this year. we are friends of the bride and groom to be tho, and I am going to the hen night. I know that it will all be fairly 'tame' this time tho as I know the bride very well and know what she has banned him from

I hope this helps some. It will take time for you to get thro this, but my advice is....

if you love him, and you know he loves you, and that otherwise you have a good marriage, you can get thro this. You will never forget, but hopefully at some point you can start to forgive. You just and must talk to people tho....lots. It helps your feelings and also stops you from bottling things up, as then you will get to the stage of feeling that you may explode and that does no-one any good.

I feel for you, I really do. I would never wish these feelings on anyone.

I think it's your DH that's stupid not you. I'd feel exactly the same way if my DH had lied to me and broken an agreement about something I felt strongly about.

Are you sure you want to send him to is mum's? She doesn't sound very nice and then he'll be a captive audience to whatever she has to say.

Its either his moms or I have ds1 in with me and he then has that bed in the other room.

His mom is a prize bitch. She goes out of her way to undermind me (if anyone remembers the car seat thread form months ago thats another example) She thinks he would be better off with out me and has always made it plain that she didnt think he should have married me.

What also hurts is that until last night, DH had only ever seen me naked. He was a virgin when we met and had never so much as kissed a girl.

psychomom - dh did have a lap dance. Thank you for that post, im sorry you went through it but its also nice to have someone thats been there

I told dh before he went that if he did something like this he would risk perminatly damaging our relationship. I told him I would never want him near me again, that I wouldnt be able to look at him in the same way. And obviously, he went ahead anyway as he thought i was just 'being silly'

Ive just text him to tell him that I want him to stay at his moms when he gets back, that im discusted with him and dont want to see him, that Id warned him this might happen.

It does sound then that there are some respect issues going on, in that you are not getting anywhere near the respect that you deserve andneed from either your DH not his family, and most especially your MIL!

You have at least one more night until he comes home tho....is there any of your RL friends that can come round today or tonight for you to talk to (and maybe have some wine with too)? And what about your own mum?

Sleeping on things tonight will help slightly, and then you may (and I do only mean may) feel slightly morw able to talk to him, and then go from there.....