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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am prepared to be told I am being stupid.... but I cant help the way I feel

49 replies

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 10/06/2006 10:50

I have a feeling that alot of you may think im being ridiculas, and maybe thats the case, but I cant help the way I feel. So instead of telling me to grow up, id much prefer it if you were helpful Grin Wink

Ive posted before a few months ago about dhs weekend away, where he was planning on going to strip clubs etc. I had alot of mixed feelings about it. In my mind, they are degrading (for both the men and women) explotive, and I veiw men that frequent them as dirty Blush and letchy and slimy. (IMO)

SO anyhow, Dh and I talked it through at lenght and we decided that he would respect my veiws and although I had tried to see the 'fun' aspect of it, I just always go back to thinking of the dirty, shameful bit, and he decided he wasnt going to go to them. I was pleased that he had listened to my feelings and had decided to respect them.

I spoke to him this morning after getting a text from him in the middle of the night saying he was drunk and having a great time. He'd spent the evening in a strip/lap dancing club and as it had been pre-booked (he hadnt told me!) they had there own private veiwings etc.

I feel discusted with him. I cant help it. I feel like I have no respect for him and I dont even want to think about him touching me again. I know this may be an over reaction but the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

We have left things badly with me telling him I want nothing further to do with him Blush Hes not back til tommorrow night, and will be out tonight at the strip club!

All advice welcome.

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 10/06/2006 14:06

Meant and his family by the way, not 'not his family'......really should proof read moreBlush

Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 10/06/2006 14:12

I told my mom and she said thats what men do and i shouldnt be so stupid.

I guess it shows how hurt and angry I am that I have told him hes not coming home knowing I have no rl support what-so-ever Shock

He hasnt bothered replying to the text. Hes probably sat in a bar watching the football or something.

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 10/06/2006 14:22

I am cross for you about what your mum has said. NO, that is most definately what men do. well, it is what single ones do maybe, but I certainly don't expect married ones to do it, and I certainly don't think mums should think it is ok. It is also wrong for her to tell you that you are being stupid. where on earth is her support for you, her daughterAngry!!!

I do wonder at the wisdom of oyur DH going to him mums, but only because of whet you have said in you previous posts about her feelings for you. I think he will be pampered and told that it is you who has the problem, and that he will then come back and so be of that opinion towards you , do you understand what I am getting at???
Altho, going on how hurt and angry you are, I do feel that you have the right to ask him not to come home until you are calmer. It is such a shame you have no RL friends for you to go to to stay with for a few days, as I feel that it is that which saved me.

I do hope that something can work out tho.

spangles · 10/06/2006 14:28

Give the bloke a break... he's on a stag do FGS. As long as he's faithfull I dont see the need for all this agro.

SHHHH · 10/06/2006 14:35

you are not in the wrong and I would feel the same. I think strip clubs and lap dancing clubs are sick and disgusting...again imo. Why have beefburgers when they can have steak at home..?????

I also feel for you as you had problems with this weekend prior to it happening due to your dh deciding to go away last minute..did you enjoy yourself last night..? Suppose it makes no difference whe you find out s&&& like this..

monkeytrousers · 10/06/2006 14:40

We'll your mum is wrong - he has betrayed you and needs to understand that. You have the support here. Smile

Rhubarb · 10/06/2006 16:38

I asked dh about this, just to get a man's take on it all. He said he wouldn't go to a strip club because he wouldn't be allowed (quite right!) but that if he was single he would go. He didn't think there was anything in it and would happily go if I let him! Angry

Spangles it is not just the strip club incident, Tamba has had to put up with his family undermining her every move whilst she has no real life support of her own. Her dh refuses to stick up for her and now he has gone behind her back and done something he promised her he wouldn't do. YOU might think that there is nothing in a strip club, but others think differently and you have to respect that.

Tamba, you will get a lot of abuse in the next few days from him and his family, be prepared for that. Just remember that it is not just this one incident, it is the constant undermining of your character. It's as if he and his family don't give two hoots for what you think or feel.

I could only put up with in-laws like yours if my dh was fully supportive of me and never undermined me. But he obviously puts his family and friends first and that's not a good sign. Can you afford counselling for you both? He needs to get some perspective on this, his family are constantly telling him that he is in the right, he needs to hear from a 3rd party that his behaviour is not on.

I wouldn't let him back in unless he agreed to go to Relate.

monkeytrousers · 10/06/2006 19:28

My DH just wouldn't go - cos he doesn't like them himself.

Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 10/06/2006 19:52

I havent heard from him yet. Am getting a bt worried now.

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 10/06/2006 19:54

The battery has probably died on his phone.

Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 10/06/2006 19:57

He could use his brothers, it has my number in it. Or his other brothers.

I know I am mad with him, but its unusual for him not to call. We last spoke at 9am this morning. Before he went away he said he would call me a few times a day to let me know he is ok.

OP posts:
Dior · 10/06/2006 20:00

Personally, I wouldn't worry about the strip club, and Dh has been to a couple on stag dos. However, you are obviously upset. I think you need to talk to him before you make any life changing decisions. He might have made a mistake and not realised all that he was agreeing to. It would have been really difficult for him to walk out IMHO.

Can you wait until you see him, but have some discussion plan ready. If you are calm when you dicuss it with him too, it will mean that you get your points across logically, rather than screaming them at him...

WigWamBam · 10/06/2006 20:01

Spangles, it's not about the stag do or the strippers, it's about the fact he lied to Tamba. It was something she had made her feelings very clear about, and he had promised to respect her views. He didn't respect her, he lied to her. It sounds as if he said what he thought she wanted to hear, with the intention of going off and doing what he wanted anyway - which makes a bit of a mockery of listening to Tamba's feelings and is very dismissive of her.

I wouldn't be concerned about the strip joint, but I would be furious as hell about being lied to. And your mum is wrong too - you are not being stupid, this was important to you and he has blatently disregarded your feelings.

Tamba, don't worry about him just yet. He probably hasn't contacted you because he's worried about how you would react.

shhhh · 10/06/2006 20:04

tamba thing is what blokes say and what blokes do are 2 different things.
Dh promises to call me while he's out..all I get is a text 30 minutes after he's gone out.

Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 10/06/2006 20:05

Im annoyed he hasnt even called to say goodnight to the kids which he promised he would do each night at 7 as they miss him.

Even though I dont want him around me and I am so angry with him I still want to know that hes safe iyswim.

I dont know whether to call but then that might be what he wants me to do iyswim.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 10/06/2006 20:12

It sounds like he forgot what he'd promised. Perhaps because he wanted to, but still. To text you and tell you what a great time he's having, doing the thing you agreed he wouldn't do, indicates a certain strangeness in his view.

The peer pressure thing is really strong. When my BIL was planning his stag do, he particularly wanted DH to come, because BIL didn't want to go see strippers, but was worried his best man would arrange strippers anyway. And, even as the groom, he wanted company in his refusal. (DH didn't like being invited solely for his stripper-refusal credentials. And anyway, the stag do ended up not happening for other reasons.)

That being said, I totally understand you being really pissed off. I think it would be wiser to have the discussion with him in person when he's back, rather than by text (!!) now.

monkeytrousers · 10/06/2006 20:43

Tamba, he's trying to wrestle control away from you. Did you say his brother arranged all this? He's probably telling him not to ring. But try not to worry, nothing is going to happen unless he is absolutely stupid. He'll be back with his tail between his legs in no time - stick to your guns. x

catsmother · 10/06/2006 20:43

I agree with WigWam.

I don't think it can be dismissed as "what blokes say and do are 2 different things" beacuse this isn't a question of him being out and calling an hour later than he said he would, or promising to finish the DIY this weekend and then conveniently forgetting.

This is deliberate lying .... not something slipping his mind. Furthermore, it's lying about something which Tamba feels very strongly about. I actually don't share all of her views about strip clubs necessarily but I completely respect her opinion (unlike her DH) and can understand totally that she feels very hurt she's been lied to.

There's an added element here too ..... that of DH's family who seem keen from everything Tamba's written on this and other threads to deliberately taunt Tamba by encouraging DH to behave in a way she finds objectionable. His family are being dismissive of her and by putting pressure on him to toe the family line (i.e. attend the do at all, and this was after he said he wasn't going and Tamba had made her won arrangements), Tamba's DH's refusal must seem - to her - not simply a matter of him going back on his word, but also putting his family and what they think, beyond his wife ...... if you see what I mean.

So poor Tamba has been doubly betrayed - and it sounds very much as if her MIL revels in causing problems between them. When you've got a MIL like that what you want more than anything is for DH to stick up for you and make it clear that his immediate family are most important to him now.

I suspect (sorry, Tamba, if I'm putting words into your mouth) that these undercurrents are contributing hugely to how Tamba feels right now - and she has every right to feel like that.

What you do about it is another matter .... I really don't know what to suggest but he owes you big time, and he has got to start putting you above his nasty spiteful relatives. After all, he chose you (not them) !

monkeytrousers · 10/06/2006 21:21

And he should be above all this petty, spiteful childishness, he's a father too. When he betrays Tamba, he betrays them.

slartibartfast · 10/06/2006 22:52

I've read the other thread about the need to get away.

My mum always said not to let the sun set on your anger - iirc it was in a 'how to reach a golden wedding anniversary' conversation.

You and dh can continue to disagree into the new day - and you might not fully understand how you both came to a current impasse - but I'm sure it would help if you could both try to understand how it happened - how strongly you both feel about it - and what you might do tomorrow/next day to help heal the upset.

Bear in mind that you can both escalate independently - dh could do more of the behaviour you find so upsetting (or worse) - you could move out (get away) for a short or longer period - you can both involve relations on both sides to support your point of view, etc ... I suppose not answering a text, not phoning home at bedtime are all escalations that have happened already.

Relate has been suggested: they are excellent counsellors - and both of you agreeing to go together to seek their help in this would be a positive outcome - it might even satisfy my mum's sunset rule. You could start to think together of the list of strains in the relationship - your in-laws for example.

So I don't suppose you can think about much else at the moment - so here's a question I would try for you in counselling mode: what do you think dh expected your reaction to be? For example did he really know before he went away how upset you would be with him? Would he be genuinely surprised/alarmed/hurt/confused to find you not at home when he returned? Was his text saying he was enjoying himself intended as a wind-up? Or do you think he wanted to reassure you that he was OK? Do you think he is good as resisting his (elder?) brother in don't-be-a-wimp (drunken) pressure to join-the-gang?.

You said it hurts you that until last night, DH had only ever seen you naked, that he was a virgin when you met and had never kissed another girl. How does he feel about this? Is it something he thinks is important at this stage in your marriage? Does he make a point of introducing/ referring to you as his "one-and-only girl/wife/lover/friend" to his mates, or does he admit to you that he would have preferred to bring more experience to your relationship? Don't need to tell us the answers - but you might tell him when, hopefully, you are more relaxed together.

Would seeking the answers (and to lots of better questions) be something you would prefer to do on your own (the get-away option) or could you find somewhere and a couple of quiet hours - away from the football - to talk together when he returns?

All before the sun sets, just to satisfy my mum :-)

spangles · 11/06/2006 07:14

Tamba. I hope things are ok today for you. I am sorry if i sounded harsh in my earlier post... that was not my intention. I didnt know that he undermines you in front of family and friends. I think it would be very difficult to go on this stag do and then go off and do his own thing while the rest of the blokes went to a strip club but he shouldnt have lied to you if he always intended to go along with the rest of them. Sonds to me like he would have been better off making an excuse not to go at all... then (a) he wouldnt have got stick from his mates for respecting your wishes and not going to the strip club and (b) he wouldnt be in the situation that he now finds himself in where he has caused you a lot of upset.
Anyway I hope things work out for you and that after a suitable period of severe grovelling from DH things can get back to normal for you. good luck. Smile

Rhubarb · 11/06/2006 19:56

How are you Tamba? Has he called yet?

TheMammy · 11/06/2006 21:09

I would cry myself hoarse, I know I would. I would feel so hurt and betrayed... I cannot believe he promised you he wouldn't go near the strip joint and then did... pure lies and nothing else. Make him grovel and make him work hard to regain your trust, if indeed you think he can regain it. Good Luck Tamba xxx

Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 11/06/2006 21:10

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=181558\here}

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