Behaving more like i wanted, but its not enough...

[skatingonice]

Have posted before, unanimous LTB. Still trying to make sense of what's in my head.

Quick back story; DP had an EA 2 years a go, then another friendship that was unreasonable at the end of last year. Possible Emotional Abuse, or he is just a twat sometimes in regard to his behaviour towards me.

No more contact with either (though I don't phone check, I just trust this is the case).

He was also rubbish around the house and didn't pull his weight.

In the last 5 months has been much improved around the house, pulls his weight etc without being asked.

Stopped (for 2 years) coming to bed with me, stopping up on laptop till early hours as he "didn't need as much sleep" and "never slept when he came to bed with me anyway so was just lying awake"

Now comes to bed same time as me 9/10 times.

BUT now him doing what I wanted all along just annoys me as I think well why couldn't you pull your weight in the house for the last 10 years?? Why can you come to bed with me now but for the last 2 years it was no possible even when I told him how much I missed it etc???

Its like now in theory things are better, but I'm not happy.

There are more little examples of the same thing. Every time he changes based on something I have complained about I resent him for it, but I feel as he is making the effort to change (finally) I owe the relationship one last chance.

Do you think it could just be a case of too little, too late? I'd imagine that you've got an awful lot of anger to work through and it sounds like it's starting to come to the fore. Did you have counselling?

Perhaps you've just realised that even him playing the perfect husband isn't enough to save this relationship.

I also think you're experiencing 'too little too late'. For two years you've been pissed off, upset, rejected, insulted. Now he's suddenly candidate Husband Of The Year and I'm not surprised you're not buying into it.

You owe him nothing.

No I didn't. Was going to early last year but he "improved" his behaviour and things in the relationship improved when I suggested it... looking back I guess he didn't want me talking to anyone as he was worried about the outcome.

Would be same reaction now if I suggested it, hes very against me talking to anyone about the relationship.

He also tried to blame a lot of things on me and I worry in a counselling situation a counsellor would side with him and that would make things a lot worse (for me).

There doesn't always have to be some terrible, huge reason for a woman to end a relationship. So,e times things just don't feel right and that's a PERFECTLY VALID reason to end things.
Better that than carrying on and ending up a relationship martyr.

If you're not happy, break it off.

Its just very selfish, "Thanks for the extra effort you have put in but its still not enough for me..."

Sounds easy doesn't it, if your not happy, break it off.

There are still no guarantees I would be happy then. In fact there would be a long transition period that would be very stressful and unhappy.

I've just stopped two years of being incredibly stressed, I don't think I can take the stress of a break up.

You mean... 'a few months of acting like a decent man don't make up for years of crappy behaviour, infidelity and rejection. I believe it's only a matter of time before you revert to type... you can't be trusted'.

Selfish? Are you kidding? This is your RELATIONSHIP. The person you let into your own body! Why the actual fuck shouldn't you be 'selfish?'

No, a breakup isn't happy. When is it ever? But surely you can see there's short term unhappiness and long term unhappiness?

Sorry if I'm wrong, but I'm sensing you feel you're better off in ANY relationship rather than onmyourown?

Sigh - on your own, obviously.

That's exactly it Cogito. I'm just waiting for him to revert to type.

TBH he's not exactly doing well at being decent, he still has a go if I don't behave in a way he approves of.

What the fu*k is wrong with me that I cant see that enough is enough. Nothing now seems big enough, but when things were bad I didn't go then either. I feel institutionalised.

Emotional bullying is cyclical. The one trying to control your behaviour will alternate periods of horrible treatment with periods of nice treatment. They gamble that you'll be so relieved when the nice treatment comes around, so glad the stress has let up, that they'll get away with murder.

And that's precisely what's happening here.

have never been on my own, in this since I turned 18... so I guess I am scared of that a bit.

You can't see enough's enough because you're living with a very manipulative person. When you say 'institutionalised' you're not far off. He's influencing & controlling your thinking so much that you can't even trust your own feelings any more. Having a go if you don't behave the way he wants is him training you to be obedient.... like a circus dog.

The only way you solve this is to get physically away from your manipulator. Put distance between you and, as time goes on, you'll start to believe less in the crap he tells you and more in your own judgement.

He's poison.

Of course you're apprehensive about being on your own because your confidence is on its arse. I would bet that he has spent a long time telling you that you'd be crap on your own, no-one else would want you, you'd be nothing without him, you wouldn't cope, you're stupid..... am I right?

Is it the case that for you to be happy in this relationship, he'd have to be fundamentally a different person?

Perhaps helping out more round the house & going to bed earlier is just window dressing. It's not simply his behaviour that was the problem, it's him.

When he wasn't doing it you thought you might be happier if he was, now he is, you realise it doesn't make any difference.

Skating, I remember your last thread, your OP doesn't even nearly cover it.

He is a cruel, horrible, abusive, manipulative wanker. THERE'S your reason to leave.

I was only thinking about you yesterday and how you were getting on. You are lovely. You are kind and you deserve SO much better than this utter CUNT!!!

It will be scary, but you will feel like such a weight has been lifted. Imagine life without having to constantly check yourself to make sure you won't upset him (and still falling short). That in itself must use up tonnes of emotional energy. And that's before actually dealing woth himmin person.

You can do it, we will all support you and you can find YOU. Then, once you've done that you might well meet someone actually worthy of you.

I do believe less in the crap he comes out with, but I still react to it without it even being a conscious choice.

A month a go he had a go at me for talking to friends on Facebook. I know this is ridiculous and told him where to get off... but ive stopped talking to them and would now feel anxious if anyone sent me a message on there.

Two weeks ago he had a go when I went to watch a movie at a friends when he was out drinking for the night. It was a male friend and apparently I was out of order going to see him as I hadn't had sex with DP for 2 weeks... Tonight he is out again and has suggested I go and see this same friend... he was so bad the other week I recorded him. Never the less i'm at home on my own tonight and haven't gone to see anyone and am not on Facebook.

I haven't intentionally changed my behaviour... but I have modified it without even realising. I can see ive done this but don't know how to stop!

Anyway we have already established this is possibly EA in another thread.

Even though this is going on I think things are improved!? (Well they are).

Its a constant cycle of well this week has been ok so I cant leave now... or when something happens its like, well ive told him not to do that now so that wont happen again so I cant leave because of that.

It's not possibly EA it IS EA Skater. I don't know you from Adam, didn't read the last thread as I'm new.

But that level of control is domestic abuse.

Have read any books on the subject?

Skating

Thank you Jengnr.

and Cog, he says no-one else would have me, he wouldn't call me stupid as i'm not and if I were it would reflect badly on him wouldn't it.

(okay I am a little bit stupid in regard to my expectations of a relationship!)

You don't have to "justify" anything. You are not happy. That is reason ENOUGH to end the relationship. Yes it will be stressful, scary, new etc but god, it's got to be better in the long run than this? You sound so cowed, so scared of your own thoughts even. Get rid, take some time and I bet in a year you will look back and wonder how you EVER put up with so much shit. You CAN do this, you just don't know it yet. Listen to us!

Telling you no-one else would have you is classic DA.

If he kills your confidence, then you can't leave him.

You only hear his narrative, because he's cut you off from people who could tell you different.

It's nonsense.

Anyway, I feel like I'm butting in, sorry.

I've read the Lundy book Twinklestein.

Parts ring true... guess I think things aren't really that bad... there are much worse relationships and the things I put up with don't seem that bad. I cant imagine a relationship that isn't a bit like this. I have nothing better to measure it against.

Not butting in at all Twinklestein :)

I do only hear his narrative. If you hear something often enough it sounds true. Its only this year ive started to hear my own voice...