Behaving more like i wanted, but its not enough...

[skatingonice]

Have posted before, unanimous LTB. Still trying to make sense of what's in my head.

Quick back story; DP had an EA 2 years a go, then another friendship that was unreasonable at the end of last year. Possible Emotional Abuse, or he is just a twat sometimes in regard to his behaviour towards me.

No more contact with either (though I don't phone check, I just trust this is the case).

He was also rubbish around the house and didn't pull his weight.

In the last 5 months has been much improved around the house, pulls his weight etc without being asked.

Stopped (for 2 years) coming to bed with me, stopping up on laptop till early hours as he "didn't need as much sleep" and "never slept when he came to bed with me anyway so was just lying awake"

Now comes to bed same time as me 9/10 times.

BUT now him doing what I wanted all along just annoys me as I think well why couldn't you pull your weight in the house for the last 10 years?? Why can you come to bed with me now but for the last 2 years it was no possible even when I told him how much I missed it etc???

Its like now in theory things are better, but I'm not happy.

There are more little examples of the same thing. Every time he changes based on something I have complained about I resent him for it, but I feel as he is making the effort to change (finally) I owe the relationship one last chance.

I am not happy.

I cant do this for another 5 years, hell even 6 months would be too long.

I just need to get over it and finish things.

Its going to be horrible. But if I do nothing things will also be horrible.

Its just like when every I get to that point I don't have the guts to say it...

I think when Ella mentioned counselling she might have meant just some counselling for you, not as a couple. A space for you to talk through and unload some of the stress and worry you've been feeling. It might be worth looking into.

So he's improved some "easily measurable" aspects of his behaviour like the going to bed on time/ helping round the house. But basically you're still walking on eggshells, he's still manipulating you to change your behaviour, who you talk you, what you do. So, really, no change there.

I don't think you need to be "reasonable"... if you want to leave, leave. You don't have to have a logical reason! Or, if you want to start acting JUST AS YOU PLEASE but within the relationship, do that. Talk to who you like on Facebook, go out which every night you want.

Even if it was true that nobody else would have you (and it totally isn't) it is much much much better to be single and not having to deal with this shit.

Single doesn't have to mean alone. And it means you can have friends and talk to people on facebook (even boys) if you feel like it and all the other things that ordinary people with non-abusive non-dickhead partners do.

Life just doesn't have to be so difficult. A relationship where you're always on your toes and never good enough really isn't one worth having. Really, really, really.

Lily, I have been trying to just act as I please but I still end up modifying, I just do it without even intending too.... I've been trying really hard not to as well but it just seems to be a natural reaction I cant stop!! I don't even know i'm doing it until I look back...

Single is fine Jengnr... I like my own company and have plenty I can do to fill my time, its just the whole total change of lifestyle and support network that gets me scared.

this happened to me... ten years if a certain behavior, then 6 months of pulling his weight more than I could have imagined. I started to wish he would behave badly again so as I had an excuse to leave... then I woke up and realised what this told me...

That's exactly how it is Ruralninja... I even know that the fact that I would love him to fuck up right now so I had a reason (I know I don't need one) speaks volumes.

But in the same breath 2weeks ago he had such a go that I recorded him so I could use the footage to prove what he was like drunk... I didn't use that as a reason to go. Theres probably nothing he can do. Its just a decision I have to be comfortable with... or accept that being scared is ok and just go anyway.

I'm starting to resent things that even happened years ago... he had a bad habit of when we argued he would always say I was out of order and I should go to bed. I realise now it was his way of shutting an argument down. He eventually stopped saying it (after I made it very clear I would not tolerate it again) but now the fact that he did that at all makes me so mad. Why did I let him get away with talking to me like that. Who the hell is he to send me to bed? How absolutely ridiculous!

I just have so much anger towards silly stuff like this.

He always tells me I need to let the past go and mustn't keep bringing things up, so I don't. But as this is what i'm told I feel like i'm in the wrong for holding on to resentment for things that have been and gone.

Theres too much for me to get over now isn't there.

Lily is right, I did mean counselling just for you to help you decide whether you want to continue with the relationship. I think the most important thing for you to believe is that you don't owe him or the relationship anything at all.

scatingonice

I had friend a time ago she was abused mentally emotionally and verbally by her ex
when she finally left he was even worst
he had done really bad things to her
she was that scared and abused she would walk on the street and cry

and then she found
that everybody around her thinks she is alcoholic and suffering with heavy depression
which actually really shocked her

shocked her cos she did not drank at all

the most important thing I would like to say
half way trough her" relationship"
she report him to police but was STUPID enough not pressed charges
she was terified cos after that she had ss twice
she knew it was him or his familly

but after a while it started again
he would come to her door she would say one word wrong and he would start shouting at her calling her names
she has so f*k ashamed to even leave her house
he was playing her all time long

but
she managed to say STOP
and even if the abuse didnt stop what sad become more cruel and sophisticated

if you being abused THINK b4 you would make any
decision
please
my friend he really hurt her he really did
and she know he wont stop

the last time after terrorasing her for two weeks about something v important the next day he aproched her on street like nothing ever hapened

playing a nice "person"
how cold and calculated is that

One of the most liberating things when I was in the process of splitting with XH was when I'd remember something crap he'd done, said or failed to do - even years and years before - and realised I didn't have to forgive him or try to rationalise it. As I was no longer invested in continuing the relationship, I could stop repressing my feelings and think to myself "You know what? That was really rubbish behaviour." Funnily enough it was then easier to forget, because it didn't matter any more. It was weird behaviour by that weird bloke I used to be married to. It all goes together in a big melting pot of weird which then gets chucked in the skip of Stupid Stuff From Way Back When, along with things I wish I hadn't said when I first started nursery school, and my parents forcing me to drink horrible khaki medicine. It doesn't matter any more because he doesn't matter any more.

Meanwhile, I discovered XH had kept notes on my behaviour over the last 25 years, just so he could be sure of not forgetting anything I had ever said that could be used in evidence against me. Now that was a whole new level of weird.

I do think some people wont change
particulary abusers

but I hope your relationship wasnt as bad as my friend's

"He always tells me I need to let the past go and mustn't keep bringing things up, so I don't"

Because 'forget about it and move on' gets him off the hook and means he doesn't have to reflect on his behaviour. Do you see how everything he says and does has an ulterior motive that benefits him and makes you feel worthless at the same time? You've been with the same person since 18 so you don't have anything to compare but you'll just have to trust others when they say that there are plenty of healthy, happy relationships. There are also plenty of abusive relationships but they are abnormal and dysfunctional and have to be rejected.

Please leave and then sort your head out. Don't wait for it to happen the other way around or it'll never happen

Here's my twopence worth.

Get yourself booked up with a counsellor or therapist but research them beforehand - they should be BACP or UKCP registered so you will know they've had the necessary training. Avoid CBT for your kind of situation as it isn't an appropriate intervention. This is a relational problem but you can resolve it by yourself (indeed only you have done any of the work to try and effect change so far).

If your goal is to leave this relationship but you don't know how and fear the consequences (what ever they are or you think they will be) tell the therapist so that he/she knows why you're seeking help.

Your concerns about life after this relationship are normal by the way, and these can be addressed by therapy but not whilst you are still in the thick of it IMO.