Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me get some perspective on SIL.

39 replies

Makqueen · 25/07/2013 14:55

Right, I have huge problems with the way I feel about DHs sister.I am fully prepared to be told I am a stupid cow who needs to get a grip btw.

We don't see her at all as she lives 200 odd miles away, but I am newly pregnant, so I guess we will have to have more contact with her.

When dh and I first met, he was in a relationship with a girl he'd been with on and off for four years. It was more off than on, and he'd moved 200 miles away to study. It wasn't serious serious.(DH is younger than me btw, he was 25 then, I was 30) She had cheated on him loads, it wasn't a happy relationship (his flatmates told me that when I met them, saying thank god he'd finally met someone nice, his parents told me about the relationship etc).

Anyway, when he told his ex he'd met me, the day after we met, and that he wanted to end it for good, she called his sister who went bonkers. Wrote some daft posts on facebook saying how she would always be in her children's lives (SIL children that is) how she'd always be there for her, she'd alwayd be her best friend. Funny thing is, as it turns out, they had only ever met each other three times.

When dh and I got married, on the wedding day SIL was constantly on Facebook. Uploading pictures of me and slagging off the way I looked with the ex girlfriend. I saw, but I kept quiet. Everything was subsequently deleted.

(I know there is a lot of mention of Facebook, but I only had it for family and I deactivated my account shortly after that incident as I realised how childish and hurtful it can be!).

SO anyway, I feel some animosity towards her.And I am worried she will start spreading the news of my pregnancy when she knows about it, putting stuff on facebook (she lives on it according to MIL) and slagging me off again.

I need to get over it I know. I just don't know how.

OP posts:
Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 14:59

God, it sounds daft written down now. I am 33, not 15.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/07/2013 15:15

What does your DH say and can he speak to his sister?

(And it's not daft. She sounds loopy).

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/07/2013 15:15

How to get over it is to stop caring about what she thinks, and what she does. Why do you care what she might put on Facebook? Do her words define you as a person?

No they don't.

Can you control what she puts on Facebook?

No you can't.

So breathe, accept that you can't change her, and focus on more worthwhile things. Yes, it's annoying. Yes, she sounds a petty and inappropriate. But her actions reflect on her, not on you.

As an aside, I don't see why it follows that you "will have to have more contact with her" now that you are pregnant. You don't have to. Don't change the level of contact if it suits you as it stands.

bluestar2 · 25/07/2013 15:19

I think you have done the right thing by deleting Facebook Account. She brings no value to your lives so don't engage. Fwiw I wouldn't announce pg until I was 12 weeks in case she put it on Facebook. Alternatively you could warn her not to if you do decide to tell before them.

More importantly, congratulations!

misskatamari · 25/07/2013 15:22

It doesn't sound daft - she sounds like a right cow!

How does DH feel about all of this?

Is Sil still friends with the ex? What is she like in person when you see her?

If it were me I would avoid telling her about the pregnancy for as long as possible. I would also get DH to make it clear that neither of you want anything related to your pregnancy on Facebook at all! He is her brother and I don't care how she feels about you, she should bloody respect both of your wishes. Her actions are bizarre. Obviously they are hurtful and disrespectful to you but they are also disrespectful to her brother.

To be fair - she sounds like she's got issues and I'd just be glad that she lives so far away and you don't need to be in contact with her for the most part. If she does continue to behave as she has done - DH needs to pull her up in it. You are his wife and you are a family and she needs to grow up. At the end of the day just remember that her actions just prove how childish and pathetic she is and if anything try to feel sorry for her that she can only feel validated if she is being spiteful to someone else.

Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 15:29

We will have more contact because she will want to see our baby, dh's nephews will want to see it.

Dhs parents (who are very nice) come to see us mostly, as we live in London and they love coming down and seeing the sights. But, I know dh will want to go up to where he comes from more, if only to let his grandmother who is too elderly to travel far, see the baby.

SIL lives in the same small area. This sounds terrible, but we've not been up to visit them since xmas 2011 (three weeks before our wedding) as I don't want to see her...... Dh loves his home town, I feel terrible.

I've not really spoken to dh about it properly. He doesn't really have much to do with her, but we have had a bit of a barney about it over email today (which spared this post) and he's saying 'I understand, but she is my sister'.

After the first FB post, he was fuming, he didn't speak to her for ages. When we went to stay at his parents a few months after, when she took her children over, he made us go out, he didn't want her near me. It was me who made him call her and make up! And then the wedding happened...

I am feeling hormonal, it's such a nasty thing to think, but if she touches my baby, I will kill her. (That's an embarrassing feeling to admit!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 15:31

Plus, I koe she'll be sending dh texts all the time about the pregnancy. It's none of her business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 15:33

Oh and in person, she's nice as pie. I am not just saying this to be nasty, but she's not the sharpest tool in the box.

OP posts:
Squitten · 25/07/2013 15:41

I think you are giving this woman, who sounds either totally potty or just plain nasty, far too much influence in your life.

As long as she's nice to you in person and to your children, which you say she is, then I would let it lie. Who cares what she says to your DH's ex? Who cares what drivel she writes on FB? Let her be petty and spiteful on her own time if that's what makes her happy.

I think if you allow the wonderful birth of your baby to be marred by this kind of melodrama, you will regret it. She sounds like she has the mental age of about 14 and would like nothing more than to drag you down into her childishness. Just treat her like you would any other distant family member, polite but at a distance. If she wants to pester your DH, let him deal with that. What's it to you?

The best way for you to get right up her hooter is to be wonderfully happy with your DH and baby.

Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 15:49

I know squitten. That's what the rational part of my brain is telling me too.

She clings onto people as her ex husband was a complete dick (according to PILs and DH, I'd never met him) and all of her friends drifted from her because of him. DH reckons she clung to his ex as she was desperate for friends, and obviously, the ex blames me for splitting them up (I explained before if was on/off and not serious) so it's a way of still seeing what he's up to, as dh has had absolutely no contact since the day he ended it.

I don't know why I am giving it so much headspace, or why the sitaution still makes me feel so irrational.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 25/07/2013 15:54

Congratulations. Don't let her ruin anything for you. Can you hide her newsfeed on facebook or something so you don't have to see her malicious posts. Anyway hard as it may be just ignore her and don't let her spoil your happy news. Surely once the baby is here you won't see her much more. She lives 200 miles away so it's not like she will be popping round all the time. She does sound a bit odd though. Why has she eveloped such a rapport with this ex that she has only met 3 times. Bizarre but i think you just need to pity her really.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/07/2013 15:56

I don't know why I am giving it so much headspace, or why the sitaution still makes me feel so irrational.

It might help you resolve the issue if you could work out why. Is it her connection to the ex? Are you afraid of the ex in some way - guilty that you were a factor in ending a relationship, even if it was "not serious"? Or do you feel that SIL has power over your DH? How does his behaviour in his family of origin make you feel - does he revert to child mode in some way? Or does she remind you of someone batty from your own past, who held way too much sway over you?

I don't know, I'm just thinking of the most frequent scenarios. Basically, whatever it is, there's possibly something at the core of your instinctive dislike for SIL that goes deeper than displeasure at her inane Facebook posts.

Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 15:58

Crinkle, thankfully I saw the light and deleted facebook after the wedding. Dh isn't on it either.

I really don't want news of my pregnancy or photos of my baby on it though, nor does dh, so he'll have to tell her not to. She's one of those people who puts everything on there - the break up of her marriage, fights with the OW, all on there. MIL despairs of it, and gets really upset about the fact her 30 year old teacher daughter airs her dirty laundry in text speak all over the internet!

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 25/07/2013 15:58

You need to try to rise above it, or at least look like you are.

Call her on it if she is snidey in public, but try not to let her see that she is bothering you. She'll be the one that ends up looking like a cunt, not you.

Reality · 25/07/2013 15:59

Was she not invited to your wedding, then?

tribpot · 25/07/2013 16:00

It's very unlikely that at 200 miles' distance you'll have to have much to do with her. She'll be sending your DH annoying texts; as he refuses to stand up to her, I would tell him you don't want to know about them. That's one problem solved.

She sounds completely mad, but her insanity seems confined to Facebook so far, so you should be fairly immune to it now - you can't stop her from being a nasty person, and I suspect it's the frustration that's making you give it so much headspace. But surely no-one you actually care about will take the slightest bit of notice of anything she posts there?

Reality · 25/07/2013 16:01

Oh, sorry, I misread. Was she uplading pictures of you FROM the wedding, and slagging you off online?

Jeez.

What a cunt.

Whocansay · 25/07/2013 16:01

I'm not sure why you being pregnant means that you suddenly have to have lots of unwanted contact with this person. She may be dh's sister, but she sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

Tell dh's parents about your pregnancy and ask them not to mention it to anyone as you want to keep it quiet. Your pregnancy is no-one else's business. And frankly, if she behaved like that about your wedding, she'll probably be the same about your pregnancy. You do not need the additional stress and your dh is a fool to put you in this position.

You can see her and be polite, but it doesn't mean you have to be in each other's pockets.

Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 16:01

Hot, I am not guilty about ending dh's relationship. It was one of those things, they were both young. They had been split up for a year because she cheated, dh took her back a month before he met me. He wasn't happy, by his account and those of his friends and parents.

I think it os the issue of her being friends with the ex really. I don't know why, I am not insecure, dh and I are happy.

I am a very, very private person as well, so I don't like details of my life being told to everyone.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/07/2013 16:05

(just to be clear: I wasn't implying that you are guilty, just that you might feel guilty somewhere deep down. It's only a hypothesis for you to test, anyway.)

Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 16:05

Reality - yes!! She was! She was my bridesmaid, I was trying to be nice even though she was a cow when dh and I first met.

She had her iphone glued to her hand all day. We though it was because she had to check up on her (then)husband who had form for cheating, he messed her about so much that he wasn't invited to the wedding as dh and PILs had given up with him.

She was stupid enough to tag me in one of the photos and when one of my friends logged on to show me a photo of her wedding cake so we could compare, I saw it. So that was fun.

I didn't want to cause a scene at my wedding reception, so I said nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 16:07

She's not snidey though, she's nice as pie and a bit dim and giggly with it.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/07/2013 16:11

You say you are not insecure about your marriage, but are you secure in yourself? Did her digs in the wedding photos hit home, in a way -- ie. are you deep down prepared to believe negative things said about you (rather than laugh them off as obvious tripe) ?

Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 16:14

I am a bit overweight, yes, so being called fat on Facebook did really hurt! It's horrible to have yourself slagged off in your wedding photos.

Actually, I am just thinking, I have only et SIL three bloody times as well. The last time was at the wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Makqueen · 25/07/2013 16:14

*met

OP posts: