Please help me get some perspective on SIL.

[Makqueen]

Right, I have huge problems with the way I feel about DHs sister.I am fully prepared to be told I am a stupid cow who needs to get a grip btw.

We don't see her at all as she lives 200 odd miles away, but I am newly pregnant, so I guess we will have to have more contact with her.

When dh and I first met, he was in a relationship with a girl he'd been with on and off for four years. It was more off than on, and he'd moved 200 miles away to study. It wasn't serious serious.(DH is younger than me btw, he was 25 then, I was 30) She had cheated on him loads, it wasn't a happy relationship (his flatmates told me that when I met them, saying thank god he'd finally met someone nice, his parents told me about the relationship etc).

Anyway, when he told his ex he'd met me, the day after we met, and that he wanted to end it for good, she called his sister who went bonkers. Wrote some daft posts on facebook saying how she would always be in her children's lives (SIL children that is) how she'd always be there for her, she'd alwayd be her best friend. Funny thing is, as it turns out, they had only ever met each other three times.

When dh and I got married, on the wedding day SIL was constantly on Facebook. Uploading pictures of me and slagging off the way I looked with the ex girlfriend. I saw, but I kept quiet. Everything was subsequently deleted.

(I know there is a lot of mention of Facebook, but I only had it for family and I deactivated my account shortly after that incident as I realised how childish and hurtful it can be!).

SO anyway, I feel some animosity towards her.And I am worried she will start spreading the news of my pregnancy when she knows about it, putting stuff on facebook (she lives on it according to MIL) and slagging me off again.

I need to get over it I know. I just don't know how.

You're not being daft. I would hope (against hope after what you've explained) that your SIL would be grown up enough to appreciate that you and your DH will announce your pregnancy to people as you're ready (congratulations BTW!) or, as we do in our family, give permission for someone to put it on FB. But I wouldn't hold my breath. I think you're right, your DH needs to tell her that HE does not want her to put photos or information on and, if I were him, I'd drop it into the conversation that he's told everyone that. Hopefully she'll see what a nasty piece of work she'll look if she goes again this wishes as everyone will know he's not given permission.

One thing though. We all get wound up about FB but that's actually because WE can see what's going on in a conversation. Twenty years ago your SIL and DH ex would have met for a coffee or talked on the phone and said the same things. She may even have sent copies of any photos through the post if she's that type - you just wouldn't have known about it. The gossip hasn't really changed, it's just that it's instant now and people who normally wouldn't have been privvy to it now get sucked into the conversation. Plus twits like your SIL don't get the 'down time' to think that she would have had in the past spreading the dirt by phone - they post as they think rather than think first. She'd still be a gossip though and I don't think you'll change that completely.

Blooming tablet! should read 'if she goes against his wishes' not goes again this wishes...ho hum

Has she actually said/done anything (that you know about) since the wedding stuff on Facebook, which was - what? - 18 months ago?

I think you're absolutely right to be upset about that but, yes, you are a bit hormonal and it's brought it all back up again. If you are worried about how she's going to react to the news of your pregnancy then your Dh needs to have a word. Yes, she is his sister but she needs to be told that you know what she did before and it can't happen again.

How much does your MIL know? Can she have a word?

No, she hasn't. Which is why I was prepared to be told to get a grip.

I just know she won't shut up when she knows about the pregnancy and will tell the world. The thought of her saying something derogatory about my much wanted baby (there have been MCs) make's me worried.

MIL doesn't know. Last thing I need is stress and I don't want to cause any rifts with PIL, they are lovely to me.

It is horrible to be slagged off in your wedding photos. That was rude and wrong of her.

But just because she called you fat does not say anything about you . All it says is that she is rude and inappropriate.

Well that makes me more convinced. Your Dh needs to grow a pair and pointedly say "We REALLY don't want this bing discussed all over Facebook" in front of her and your PIL.

And if she's too stupid to get the hint, he should have a quiet, separate word.

Above all, though, you need to rise above it. Don't let her see that she's upsetting you.

Ok, so when I have to see her again, I will just be polite but cool.

And I will make sure that she knows that she cannot put anything about my pregnancy/the baby on facebook (I think that is fair enough, seeing neither dh or I are on it).

I will try and reign in any hormonal feelings, which I know will be hard, especially after the birth. I have one dc from a previous relationship, after he was born I would have ripped someone to shreds with my bare hands if they tried to go near him and I didn't like them. I was like a lioness!

You sound so lovely and clever, she sounds like an ignorant idiot and nasty too. Don't let her bother you, she sounds a right skank/jeremy kyle fodder.

I bet she's jealous hence the jibes.

Don't let her take any pics of you and baby so she can't post them on FB and then take the piss.

Grin and be nice as usual, it will be a short lived experience in the grand scheme of things.

I actually admire your resistence in not smashing her face in.

She's a teacher!!

Yes, I've only ever seen her type/write and sometimes talk in text speak, so I don't know how she gets on at work!

And I will make sure that she knows that she cannot put anything about my pregnancy/the baby on facebook

But you can't. Only she is in control of her actions: if she wants to post shit on Facebook, there's nothing to stop her. All you can do is control how you react to her actions.

By all means state that you want to keep news about your pregnancy private, since that is important to you. But whether she chooses to respect your wishes or not is entirely up to her.

She sounds horrible. But on the plus side she does live 200 miles away and you are not likely to see her very often. So just forget about her and forget about facebook. I can see why it annoys you that she puts stuff about you on Facebook. This is really just not on in my opinion.

She slagged you off on your wedding day on FBook? You know that most people who saw that will not think badly of you, but of her?

And if she puts stuff about your baby on there, they're going to think the same. That she's a spiteful old hag with nothing better to do than play out her life on FBook.

Try not to worry about her. I can pretty much guarantee that people are intelligent enough to see straight through her bitchiness.