Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does it matter

60 replies

whyisitcomplicated · 24/07/2013 19:43

i have posted about my DP before as he doesnt want children and i do.Well we are still together.He and his ex P had a terrible spilt and she has been very difficult to deal with.
He is adamant they will never get back together (they were toghether 25 years) and i have never been worried about this.

I have now found out that they are getting on better,they have had tea togehter.he buys her flowers and chocolates.To cap it all this week he informed me he had paid for her and son's holiday as she is having finacial difficuties and i saw a message on his phone where he wished her happy anniversary with a x last week. Should i be worried

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 25/09/2013 08:34

Special? With three people in it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2013 09:01

DS is a 19yo man, not a child. He didn't get to meet you in the past and he's decided he doesn't want a relationship with you now for whatever reason. Even if your DH's ex was more positive towards you, he's got probably got better things to do than hang out with his old step-mum and dad.

Sorry if you thought I was being harsh but I really do think you're rationalising and settling rather than fulfilling your dreams.

MrsWilliamBodie · 25/09/2013 09:06

He has a family, he doesn't want a second one.

OP, imagine how are you going to feel in 5+ years' time when he hasn't changed his mind and you still have nothing to do with his DS (and potential future grandchildren).

I could imagine that a son who has seen his mother go through bereavement then divorce could be extremely loyal to her and not want to see her hurt anymore and if that means excluding you then so be it. You are not, for a long time maybe, going to be seen as anything important in their family. It is not as though you're a stepmother in the normal sense, where you've had a hand in the upbringing of the DC.

I am really sorry if this sounds harsh. Please trust me when I say that I write with kindness because I think you are pinning hopes falsely and could fritter your last fertile years away.

Think ahead to future family events: weddings, babies, christenings etc etc. There is so much potential for you to be left out. If you are happy with that and will forge your own life, and genuinely OK with never having children of your own, then fine.

I'm not sure exactly how long you've been with your DP - you mention DS at 16 and now 19, so I'm going to presume at least 3 years. Frankly, if you haven't met his, now adult, child yet then I don't think anyone (other than you) is particularly bothered by this.

For what it is worth, every single one of my relationships has seemed really special ... until they end.

Original poster
whyisitcomplicated · 25/09/2013 09:56

Thank you
i do understand but we get on so well together,but i have to admit i am concerned about EP,i know she wants to get back together and i know she makes a lot of running,he said he will always love her and be there for her but he would definitely not get back with her as there was so much pain in their relationship, but i dont think she really has got the message and whilst i trust him i do worry when he is in england with them

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2013 10:07

Forget the exP, you just don't trust him. Very easy to blame someone else... the 'OW' is always the scapegoat ... but if you don't trust your partner, that's something between the two of you and not a third party to resolve.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2013 10:15

You don't feel at all secure in this relationship, do you? You've no child to tie him to you, he disappears off to England to be with people that have openly rejected you, you fear his ex will win him back and yet you insist that it's 'special'.

AKissIsNotAContract · 25/09/2013 10:21

What's changed since your first post in July? If anything your relationship sounds worse now.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/09/2013 10:45

It sounds like the one who isn't getting the message here is you.

Original poster
whyisitcomplicated · 25/09/2013 13:31

It may seem strange but he is my first long term relationship,i really love him and i know he really loves me and we are so "comfortable" in each others company.
I think i do love him enough to sacrifice a family, i have invested so much in this relationship but so has he and in a way it seems unfair that his history stops us having the life we could have -if that makes sense
thanks for listening

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 25/09/2013 13:37

Walk away. He doesn't want what you want. It sounds like he may not even want you at all, tbh.

AKissIsNotAContract · 25/09/2013 13:58

You don't 'invest' in the right relationship. That's an empty term usually used to keep people in relationships that aren't right for them.

KatieScarlett2833 · 25/09/2013 16:33

You are not even no2 in his list of priorities. You are rationalising, sacrificing and minimising your needs. One day he will probably reconcile with his ex. Where will you be then?

pictish · 25/09/2013 16:57

OP what can I say? You are clinging to this relationship no matter what, aren't you?
You know it's wrong, but you're just hoping that it'll all work out.
He is 48, and frankly, I do not blame him for not wanting any more kids! That ship has long sailed!
I do not believe that you will be satisfied with forgoing a family for him in the long term. As time goes on you'll regret that decision. This is a man who still celebrates spurious anniversaries with his ex.

I do not think it is she who has failed to get the message...I think it is you.

Bail!

Original poster
whyisitcomplicated · 28/09/2013 16:00

We have had a long long chat,there is no turning on babies or marriage but he has reassured me that he will always love and care for her,it is me he wants to be withm me who makes him fel good and settled.He will never get back with her.
he has promised he will try to avaoid her when he goes to England, and will stop responding to her texts- i have to say i feel so much better

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 28/09/2013 16:07

I really think you are making a big mistake in giving up the chance to have children for this man.

FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2013 16:09

OP, why does the EP hate you so much? Is it purely down to jealousy, or were you the OW?

He has unambiguously told you that he doesn't want to marry you or have children with you. To borrow from your investment metaphor, there's no point in throwing good "money" after bad- you're 35, there's still plenty of time for you to leave, do your grieving for this relationship, and move on and find somebody else who wants to have children with you. If you choose to stay on the off-chance he changes his mind, you are taking one hell of a risk! I know it's hard and may seem unfair, but you really need to move on.

Original poster
whyisitcomplicated · 28/09/2013 16:13

i was under the impression that there relation ship was over ,he told me he could not stand to be with her and had moved to his mothers,which he had,but he did continue to spend half his time there.
when she found out about ne she gave him an ultimatum and he chose me, i would not have gone near him ,if i had known the circumstances but by then we were very much in love

OP posts:
tippytap · 28/09/2013 16:39

Op why are you posting? Every one who as posted on this thread has been unanimous.

You want marriage and children. He doesnt. Please don't waste any more time minimising your needs for this man.

Squitten · 28/09/2013 17:34

So you are completely happy with no marriage and no children in your future?

paperlantern · 28/09/2013 18:01

oh Lord he didn't choose you. he is still seeing both of you.

You are the OW. he's with you when you are in Germany and her in England. best bit is there is an ocean between you and the wife so your not going to accidentally bump into each other and both of you hate each other so much your not going to talk a compare notes.

I'd be more than a little suspicious about the life threatening illness. oh and the offer for you to meet the son. he can offer it safe in the knowledge that he can blame it not happening on the wife and you'll hate here more

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 28/09/2013 21:32

I think you should definitely start online dating and sort meet other men.age gap and life experience is a bit much for your needs.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 28/09/2013 22:53

I think you should definitely start online dating and sort meet other men.age gap and life experience is a bit much for your needs.

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 23:12

Everyone is completely correct. You were the OW and he lied about his marriage being over.

It's not even over now.

I'd take a shrewed guess you've never met this woman, or in fact anyone in his life who can corroborate a single thing he's told you. If you haven't, there's a good chance she knows nothing about you or your relationship.

In fact she probably thinks he's working abroad on a contract.

Poor woman, if she has lost a child and another's ill. Maybe you need to talk to her?

Original poster
whyisitcomplicated · 23/12/2013 15:19

I think you are all right.
he has returned to england to see his son, but his ex is having him and his mother for lunch on xmas day.
The gifts to his son are of him and ex, nothing from me.His son or mother have not even sent me a xmas card.
he is coming home early to spend ny with me though and we will have a great time but i am starting to feel very resentful
thanks for any advice

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 23/12/2013 15:40

Well, I've read the thread and I don't think the advice has changed.

At best, he doesn't want the same future as you. You want a family. He's already got one - and he's spending Christmas day with them, and you're not invited.

At worst, you're the OW and he never left his wife in the first place, she's not his "ex" at all, and both she and his DS are blissfully unaware that you even exist.

Either way, you're in exactly the same place as you were six months ago, and apparently that wasn't even the first time you've posted about this problem.

How many more years are you going to waste waiting for this man to give you even a crumb of the life you really want?

Swipe left for the next trending thread