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Relationships

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Original poster

Help... definitions of infidelity please...

53 replies

bigbadbraindump · 24/07/2013 16:54

Short and sweet. About to marry DH (in a few days) found texts on his phone when we were first dating about him having sex in a toilet of a club with a woman he'd met. We had slept together at this point but had not had the exclusivity chat.

He promised me sincerely when we got engaged that during that period of dating he had not been involved with anyone else.

Is this something you would let go?

OP posts:

EBearhug · 24/07/2013 22:08

I don't change my phone as often as 2 years, and until I had a new SIM, I had some texts going back way older than that. Keeping texts isn't necessarily a big deal.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 24/07/2013 22:14

The lying would be a huge red flag for me.

Original poster

bigbadbraindump · 25/07/2013 05:15

I also read that thread Viking1 and thought 'goodness how awful' and now it's happened to me (although not the same circs). No we're not the same OP.

It wasn't clear that he had, had sex in the toilet - there was an exchange of texts:

Him: Where are you? Did you leave? I thought you stayed in the loo?
Her: No I left, I'm sorry, I'll text you tomorrow.
Him: Did you enjoy it when I (omitted sexual act) to you ?

Another text to another woman said::
Him: I need to have you now in my bed
Her: My boyfriend will not be happy...
Him: You're an angel and a demon, I need to f**k you now

Another text to another girl said:

bigbadbraindump has got the brains, but you've got the whole package!

---

Us talking about everything led him to say that it took him a few weeks to put everything in place in his life and know that he wanted to be with me. And that he didn't want to take away the "varnish" that we had both put on our meeting and subsequent getting together by telling me stuff like that.

He is not a liar, he is normally a brutal honesty sort of person, as I found out and he confessed some things he had told me that were untrue about his past (eg that a few months before we met, he had actually taken a mutual friend of ours on holiday, shagged her and leant her money, when I thought we just knew her as a mutual acquaintance!)

He keeps saying 'all that matters is from when we started being together officially. And do I not treat you well? Am I not good to you?'

And he is.

I just don't know why this whole thing has sent me crazy.

OP posts:

Original poster

bigbadbraindump · 25/07/2013 05:17

allaflutter he is 45!

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/07/2013 05:20

Hang on, so there are texts to at least three women, all within the time period in which you and he were sleeping together? And one of those texts says (effectively) that you, OP, are smart, but that the other woman is smart and sexy. Because that's just nasty and hurtful, actually.

What is the actual timeframe here? How long ago was this period? And for how long did it go?

Original poster

bigbadbraindump · 25/07/2013 05:20

I didn't look in his texts because I had suspicions, I looked because he gave me his phone while we were driving to find a reservation number we had made. I am not used to working a blackberry so scrolled and scrolled and it went at hyper speed until I was at the bottom and I saw this explicit text. Then I checked the date and it overlapped.

OP posts:

Original poster

bigbadbraindump · 25/07/2013 05:25

Tortoiseonthehalfshell it's been 2.5 years.

Yes texts to three women, all sexual advances. The period lasted, I would say, about four weeks. He and I had briefly fallen out for one week during that period (a misunderstanding to do with my work) then we were back on again dating and sleeping together.

Yes, the text about me not being smart and sexy really hurt. I feel like it's a slap in the face - that one the most, almost. He has really minimised that one, saying it's nothing.

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/07/2013 05:29

So you were together, then broke up briefly for four weeks? During which time he propositioned, or had sex with, at least three women that you know of.

I mean, those texts don't sound like a man starting to explore other options, do they? They sound like ongoing flirtations.

I think he needs to talk to you about it better. It's not fair to ask you to forget about this. You're not Ross and Rachel.

Original poster

bigbadbraindump · 25/07/2013 05:29

I am reeling. I haven't slept all night - it's the intensity of everything, getting married in a few days.

My friends in RL who I have told say why am I upset? It is me he is marrying and has been with for the last couple of years.

Also with the nightclub/sex one - he says that the three texts were about a month apart. That he had done something with her a month before we met, then sexted with her while we were dating. By sexted he means asking if she enjoyed the (omitted sexual act.)

OP posts:

Original poster

bigbadbraindump · 25/07/2013 05:31

Tortoiseonthehalfshell We dated for two weeks and slept together, then we had a misunderstanding and fell out for a week, then started dating again for one more week, and after that week, officially got together.

During the two weeks we were sleeping together and the one week after we started dating again (post fallout) those texts all took place.

OP posts:

missbopeep · 25/07/2013 08:04

If he's 45, what is his relationship history before you met each other?
Has he been married before or had a LTR and why did it end?

You can see where I'm coming from - ie is he simply a man who can't keep it in his trousers?

Or was he so upset when your relationship was off/on that he was just looking for an ego boost from any woman who'd say yes to him?

There are some men who need their egos feeding constantly and who trawl dating sites or clubs to pick women up, and it means very little to them.

Does any of this make any sense re. him?

kalidanger · 25/07/2013 08:04

And after that you went exclusive and have been together in a committed relationship for the 2.5 years since?

No other red flags? Be honest!!

kalidanger · 25/07/2013 08:08

I have to say that, for me, this wouldn't be a massive deal. I expect lots if people meet when they are both firmly single, date then get together. I also expect lots of people date people, shag people, look for The One, find them without quite realising then date The One while it slowly becomes clear exactly who they are and what they're going to mean in thier life.... And have a few loose ends to tie off before settling into the relationship they should have always had.

If you see what I mean.

clam · 25/07/2013 09:54

I can't put my finger on why this: "And do I not treat you well? Am I not good to you?" makes my hackles rise.

That and his off-hand attitude to women and sex generally. Do you see this bloke as someone who values you, marriage and fidelity above all else in his life? And is it important to you that he does?

TheFallenNinja · 25/07/2013 09:56

If your going through his phone now then there is no relationship is there?

kalidanger · 25/07/2013 09:58

Miss that clam

Poor OP. You getting married on Saturday?

missbopeep · 25/07/2013 10:15

This is really confusing me- do you mean the shagging with the mutual friend was something he confessed to and was true- or that it was a lie put about by others and he told you that it wasn't true?

Twinklestein · 25/07/2013 10:28

[b]And do I not treat you well? Am I not good to you?

bigbadbraindump has got the brains, but you've got the whole package![/b]

Oh fuck off.

Who's to say when he gets bored or the OP has a baby he won't be back to his multiple sext/shag shenanigans.

Twinklestein · 25/07/2013 10:28

*And do I not treat you well? Am I not good to you?

bigbadbraindump has got the brains, but you've got the whole package!*
Oh fuck off.

Who's to say when he gets bored or the OP has a baby he won't be back to his multiple sext/shag shenanigans.

LaRegina · 25/07/2013 10:33

OP I've read and reread this thread and I really don't know what to suggest to you.

Re 'definitions of infidelity' I don't think he cheated on you as you say it happened before you were a 'couple'.

But the timing here is awful, as you obviously know. It is completely understandable that reading those messages has hit you hard - nobody wants to read that kind of conversation between their partner and somebody else, however long ago it was. And in time, as long as since you were 'properly' together, there really has been nothing else to question, I think you will be fine with it all again.

It's just a huge shame that you don't have 'time'. as you are getting married in a few days. And it would be awful to not enjoy your wedding day as you should be able to because you're still feeling terrible about this.

Sorry I'm waffling, I don't have an answer I'm afraid because the one thing you need (time) is the one thing you can't get - not without postponing your wedding anyway!

Does he realise how hard this had hit you? Is he moving hell and high water to help you get over this?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 25/07/2013 11:48

I'd be very worried about "and do I not treat you well, am I not good to you?"

I can see him throwing those exact words at you as an excuse for further bad behaviour. You'll question him, and he'll make it seem really small and unimportant - so what if I text other women, I look after you.

I think I'd leave for a few hours, at the very least, and probably a night. I'd think it through and try to get my head together. Ideally, you'd push back the wedding a bit to see if you can work through it, but I know that practically that would be a nightmare. You can't ignore this, though. It's clearly eating away at you.

missbopeep · 25/07/2013 12:16

In a nutshell, do not get married with this going on in your head.
You won't be the 1st or last to postpone a wedding and although it would be awful, it won't be half as bad as coming on here in 6 months time saying 'he's a bastard, and look what I have now found on his phone.'....

You can't go into a wedding with this hanging over you.

allaflutter · 25/07/2013 22:39

hmm, so what is he saying apart from those two phrases now? Also, Op, how aer things generally - can you honestly say that nothing has bothered you over the 2 yrs (well, important things)? If not, then I think you should let it go as it's been 2 yrs! thre wre no recent texts, so it looks like he hAS moved on and ecided to commit and change his multi-shagging life. But, yes it's hurtful to read thos just before the wedding when nerves are already a bit tense - ask him to reassure you if you both aer to enjoy the wedding - and I hope no stag do are coming up as yo uaer too sensitive for that atm. If he's happy with that, that's something at least he's doing for you.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2013 22:46

OP, is there a cut off point for these texts between him and various other women? Or are there other texts suggesting he has had sex with other women after you agreed to be sexually exclusive? I think that's a very, very important question, because you have been with him exclusively for two years now and what he did before that is not, terribly, any of your business.

And BTW Imperial, assuming that you are in an exclusive relationship because you have had sex with someone is not only silly but it's frankly unethical. You have no right at allto expect a relationship to become monogamous just because you want it to, without consulting the other person about it.

Scarletohello · 26/07/2013 00:00

I don't really want to say this but after reading those texts, I've got an awful feeling that he's going to end up cheating on you eventually. He obviously likes excitement, danger and a bit of sleaze. Him saying to another woman you've got the brains but she's got the whole package makes me think he has a bit of a madonna/ whore complex, sees you as good marriage material but will end up having sleazy sex again when he gets bored. Sorry and I totally understand why you are so upset. You don't have to marry him.

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