Please help- am I foolish for considering new relationship so soon after getting out of EA relationship.

[Verycarefullythinking]

I've name changed as I don't want to out myself. I've been quite a regular on the relationship board for a few years. I've just managed to finally free myself from a 10 year relationship with a very very selfish partner. I've struggled to accept that our relationship was EA, but I've been assured that it was- both here on mumsnet and by RL friends. EXP left about 9 weeks ago.

We have a wonderful 6yo DS, who has coped unbelievably well with the split (at least he appears to). He seems his normal self, and has enjoyed spending a day each week with his Dad.

It hasn't been easy to stick by my guns. EXP did a pretty major about turn a few weeks ago and finally after years of me trying to make him understand, he seems to accept he's been a bad partner and wants me to give him the chance to change. My gut feel is that he's sadly incapable of changing, he's had many chances.

At a friends BBQ about 5 weeks ago I got chatting to a man who is the cousin of a good friend. I've known him for about 7 years. I have always got on very well with him, he's kind, fun, a great listener, in fact a very very lovely man. We chatted, he listened to me talk about EXP, talked about work, mutual interests (of which there are many).

After this we struck up a bit of a texting thing, and he called me a few times. All very friendly, nothing flirty (but I was hoping). Eventually he asked me if I thought it would ever be appropriate to ask me out. I said I thought it would...

So a few weeks ago we went out to dinner. I was horrendously nervous but had a lovely time. It felt amazing to be listened to, treated nicely, to laugh together. Since then we've had dinner a few times, he came over to watch a film when DS wasn't here, we've been for a few walks. We have slept together twice, he didn't push it, I wanted to and it felt good. We have so much in common, he likes me, doesn't judge me, we can just talk or be silent and it feels lovely.

I know it is very very soon. I know I should be grieving for EXP, getting used to being single, finding myself etc.. I didn't go looking for this, but it seems to good to pass by. I'm trying very very hard to remain grounded and not get carried away but in the back if my mind there is a tiny chink of hope that I've met a good man who really likes me.

A friend (whose opinion I value),has today given me quite a hard time about this. She said it was far too soon, I should be concentrating on myself, on getting strong again, not being with another man. I wanted to tell her about him, but she wasn't prepared to listen and clearly thinks I'm being foolish. I've a tendancy to over think things, but I'm worried that the reason her comments have wobbled me is that I'm worried she's right.

Three other friends who know about this (and who know new man, unlike other friend) are happy for me. They and I know it's important not to rush, but they have been very supportive.

I'm sorry for the horrendously long post. Please wise ladies, give me your advice- gently if possible, I need perspectives.......

Very hopeful (and slightly desperate) bump.

I agree, it is too good to pass by, so I hope it works out.

Only thing is , as has been stated on other threads, don't introduce new friend to DS yet. Just in case it doesn't work out!

Best of luck, OP

I agree with your friend. I don't think four weeks out of an abusive relationship is the time to start a new relationship. He may make you feel good, but I think the freedom programme would be a better avenue to explore your feelings.

Thank you for your thoughts chub I haven't heard of the Freedom Programme. I will have a google. I assume from your post that it's something that can only be done outside of a relationship?

I don't think so, it's available online through women's aid. I think after ten years in an abusive relationship which you struggle to recognise as abusive your boundaries must be shot to pieces. This guy could be your white knight or he could be another abuser in waiting. I don't claim to have any idea about that at all.

I just think you should be thinking of you - learning more about how you came to be in an EA relationship and what you can do to work on your boundaries, self esteem etc

It all seems to have bowled along very quickly, which may be "romantic" or may be a massive red flag.

I'm afraid I think this is far too soon as well. You said you struggled to see your relationship as abusive and that you've struggled to stick to your guns. That does not sound as though you have established your ability to recognise bad behaviour and erect boundaries to protect yourself anywhere near well enough to prevent you from falling into another abusive relationship. Most abusers don't show their true colours until the relationship has become established.

There is no 'right' amount of time. For some people it's much sooner than others, but it is best to take time to reflect over the relationship, what went wrong and your own role in that - even when it's not your fault that the relationship deteriorated because you need to learn why you tolerated it for as long as you did to protect yourself (and DS) in the future.

Sometimes a quick fling is a great way to inject some fun into your life, to make yourself feel desirable again, to restore confidence, etc. However, it's best practice to keep it to just a fling if you haven't yet processed the breakdown of your recent relationship. Unless you know you are capable of keeping things light and commitment-free (and does he want that anyway?), I'd normally recommend avoiding it.

However, life is also a game of chance, and sometimes the right person comes along at the right time. This man may be ideal for you and it may all work out wonderfully. I think it's unlikely, but stranger things have happened.

If you were my friend, I'd say my piece once and then shut up about it, saying that whatever you do you'll have my good wishes for it working out and if it does go wrong I'll be there for you without ever saying "I told you so."

Thank you for your thoughts chub. I do have my red flag radar fully tuned thanks to Mumsnet, but I see your point.

9 weeks is very soon.

I don't know if I would say ditch it or not TBH. I think if you do decide to go ahead you would have to be extremely careful, very much more cautious than you would be in any other relationship situation really. I remember feeling like I was totally over my ex at probably about 8-9 weeks after (feeling like it had been ages) when actually there was still loads which had to come out and I hadn't realised.

It worries me (a bit) that you say you have "a tiny chink of hope that I've met a good man who really likes me" - it implies that "being with a man" is a sort of ultimate goal, a win in the game of life, if you like, and that if you don't end up with a man then you won't ever be truly happy. It is something that we, as women, are very much socialised into believing, and it's an absolute magnet for EA. I do totally know the feeling you mean and it is exciting to feel like somebody likes you, but when it assumes such importance it is not healthy. BTW, there's also a chance that your friends who are supportive are subconsciously thinking along these lines as well - people tend to get very anxious about others (especially women) being single and are eager to push them into relationships believing that this is the way to make them happy.

My advice would probably be:

Don't rely on him for all of your happiness. In fact rely on him for very little of your happiness, sense of self etc at the moment. Make yourself busy, do things which you want to do for YOU, start projects, make plans for the future which don't necessarily involve him (if he is really right for you, he will fit into or around these plans later). Don't sit around waiting for him to text/call/IM - if you find yourself missing him or wondering where he is or worrying then DO SOMETHING ELSE. Make more time for your friends than him right now.

Take things extremely slowly, to the point of, if you're not sure you're ready for a new stage, push it back until you know you are ready, and then push it back some more - a few more weeks or months depending on the seriousness of the stage. It gives you breathing space, helps you gain confidence with the place you are in (useful after EA especially if the EA relationship was fast-paced at the start) and gives you practice at holding your boundaries (and allows you to see whether he is patient and respectful of your boundaries or pushes at them). Yep, if he's ready for a full on relationship right now, then he might not be willing to wait longer for you, but that means that you are at different stages and hence not compatible right now. That is okay, and doesn't mean you have failed, not fought hard enough, or let anything go. It just wasn't right this time. Obviously you would talk to him preferably as soon as possible about how you feel you need to take a potential relationship very very slowly because you need to feel sure in your own self and with boundaries etc.

Read up on red flags and become almost paranoid about them... sad but necessary, you are in a vulnerable place at the moment, and EA men will pick up on this subconsciously. Your new man probably isn't EA, but there's still a chance that he is.

And finally, don't put him on a pedestal. He is really not that special or unique. He might be amazing compared to your ex, but start to see this as a baseline! It's true, you really can expect to be treated nicely in a relationship, like an equal, like somebody who is actually liked, like a friend. Whatever you do don't overlook small faults because overall he is nice - if you are not compatible then you aren't, and it isn't fair on either of you to keep trying. If it doesn't work out between you, then it will be sad, but it doesn't mean the end of everything, it just means that he was not right for you, and if you want a relationship, there will be someone out there who fits you exactly right and will just fit into everything perfectly.

Good luck :) If in doubt I use the mantra... what would mumsnet say?? imagine myself posting about something and usually the gist is fairly accurate.

I think the freedom programme is an excellent suggestion too, and no there is nothing to stop you doing it and continuing to see NM (new man) at the same time. There will be women in all situations on the course, still in abusive relationships, on separations hoping their abuser will change, having left for good, having come through a string of abusive relationships and in new relationships too. It should be helpful whatever your situation.

Oh god YY to the conditioning of women to think we need to be making some man happy to be happy ourselves. I'm six months out of a fifteen year relationship and my friends keep asking me when I think I will want to date again, will I get married again. It's like a single woman makes people uncomfortable. I nearly said to one friend "don't worry, I'm not going to sleep with your husband."

I think you are lucky that you met somebody after everything what happened to you

You propobly already know how you really feel about that person
And IMO just listen to your"heart"

But also like others already said
Stay strong start enjoying your life
And good luck whatever yours decision

I think if you we're pretty casual about it that would be fine. But it sounds like you're hoping its more.

Why lucky, She? OP isn't damaged goods. We meet people almost every day of our lives. Some are relationship material, some not, some aren't the right "fit" for us, some are at the wrong stage of their life...

Relationships aren't some rare thing you need to hold on to. He ought to be damn special to be worth your time. Because everyone deserves a relationship which is good and healthy, not just "good enough - all the good ones are taken".

Thank you for all your posts. I'm taking all of it in. I'm determined to be vigilant about any flags with the slightest shade of red. I do know his ex partner and have no reason to suspect he was at all abusive.

I'm also determined to get on with my own life. To be the best I can be. To enjoy the hobbies that I used to and to take on some new ones.

I will not allow myself to rely on anyone else for my happiness.

It is incredibly tempting to dream of the future. Is that not natural in some respects. But I'm aware that it's all fantasy, that I must stay grounded- and I will.

I am not conditioned to think that I must be in a relationship. Honestly, that is not the way I think. I think I was conditioned to feel I should stay with my child's father, but I've wriggled free of that and am so relieved to find that we are both just fine without him.

he sounds really nice, and who could begrudge you some happiness? However I speak from sad experience whan I suggest you tread carefully.

There will be a reason why you tolerated an unhappy marriage (EA) Are you a codependent ? would you even recognise the signs of anothe potentially abusive partner ? ( NO one is abusive in the first few dates after all)

Please be careful - I could not be and fell totally utterly in love 12 weeks after my EA marriage ended. I have ended up financially abused to the tune of many thousand of pounds.

please take care of YOU. you are not in the best place to choose a good partner right now

Dreaming of your future - you and your DS - yes and please do, it is such a wonderful and healing thing to do.

I wouldn't say it is that normal to be dreaming of the future with a guy you have only just met (unless it's the very short future, e.g. "It would be nice to go to X place with him" "We must try Y in the bedroom!" ) - it's just too early to be picturing marriage, living together, stepfamilies, more children, that kind of thing. If nothing else you don't even know him yet, beware of building up a distorted picture, that you then try to bend real life to fill (if that makes any sense at all!)

You might not be conditioned to think you must be in a relationship but you might have some conditioning which makes you think that relationships have to be clung onto at all costs, worked at etc - you say you have wriggled free of the notion this is the case when you have a child with someone which is fantastic, but beware of dismissing yourself as "fixed" too soon. It is very early days. Those beliefs came from somewhere, and they may still be lurking in some form.

I would try and enjoy the way that things are, don't make any assumptions, keep being honest with him about the way you are thinking. Take it slow, slow and slower again. Rebuild a strong sense of your own identity before you allow your identity to become tangled up with somebody else's. And keep it fun - if it's not fun then it's not worth it, not at this stage (arguably not ever!)

I have been seeing a therapist since splitting up with EXH. I started going a few months before we split up because I felt I needed some help to see the wood from the trees.

Our final argument was caused by me refusing to accept his selfish behaviour any more. He threatened to leave, I said it was best that he did. I finally stood up to him, and have continued to do so.

Yes it's a little tricky to stand firm when he begs, pleads and promised. But I have done so, because I'm getting better at seeing things as they really are, and at demanding to be treated better- much better.

I do feel I'm on a journey. I'm not 'there' yet, but I am working on it.

I don't want this new man to hinder my journey. I don't think having this, or any man is essential to my journey. But I really really enjoy his company, and I don't feel it would be right not to continue to see him.

Shame I've not reached the part of my journey where I trust my own judgement isn't it?!

Yoni your post makes a lot of sense. To clarify: when I say dreaming of the future I don't mean living together, children or marriage. Those things are not on my radar now, and may never be. I mean dreaming of a lazy Sunday lie in, a weekend away- stuff we have both said we would like to do one day.....

Ultimately, you'll do whatever you want to do. I don't mean that unkindly; it's just human nature to do what we want and justify it afterwards. No one has any right to make you go against what you want, no matter how foolhardy they think you are. All we can do is advise you to keep getting the counselling, keep watching for the red flags, keep things as slow as possible and never lose the focus on yourself. If you find yourself thinking about 'the relationship' more than your own journey, that glimpse of something pink you thought you saw is actually a whole street's worth of bunting.

Good luck with it all. I hope it works out. And I mean that genuinely.

Thank you Dahlen.

I'm intrigued by your comment that if I find myself thinking about 'the relationship' more than 'my journey' I should see it as a bunting's worth of red flags. Can you, or anyone else explain this please?

I totally get why it's unhealthy to focus on the 'relationship'. But isn't that my problem rather than a red flag pointing to him? As in, how would potential abusive behaviour from him cause this?

Carefully, I think you'll be okay :) You sound very head screwed on. I am very glad to hear that you don't want this man to hinder your journey, and that the journey is your priority. He's just a nice distraction on the way and why not

I don't think it's a bad thing to be a little bit unsure of one's own judgement. It's the fact that you can recognise that, seek different viewpoints/advice/whatever and then come to a decision on your own which is okay. Sometimes it's hard to judge something when you're in the middle of it. It's good to be able to get the perspective of someone who doesn't have that clouded, can't see the wood for the trees sort of feeling.

FWIW I did the same thing. I tentatively started a new relationship at 8/9 weeks post break up. It didn't work out - he couldn't see himself in a relationship with somebody with a child, long term - so it ended. It was one of the nicest, cleanest break ups I ever had. I was hurt, but I am so glad that I did it. It was totally worth it. 3.5 years on I am in a great relationship which is totally different, it just works.

Red flags don't always mean "Danger! Abusive man! Run away!" - it's just a pointer towards a dangerous situation. If you find yourself getting too pulled in then it may be a sign you're not ready to be in another relationship and not be all-consumed by it yet.

Although OTOH it can be because abusive men like your attention to be all on them and nothing else and have really subtle ways of doing this. So if you find yourself being all-consumed it might not be because you are weak/damaged/whatever but because he has slowly coiled around you like the snake in Jungle Book without you realising, and through nothing that you have done "wrong" at all.

Yoni..
Didnt really mean that way
For some coming out fromEA relationship things can be so much more complicated

I think you sound quite clear-headed about this OP. You're very realistic about your ex - making a clean break, for example - and there's nothing you've said about your new boyfriend that suggests he's problematic. I think your friend's alarm might be a little OTT therefore. I suppose all I'd say is to keep a respectable distance so that he's very much in your life on your terms and, should there be anything you're not happy about, dump first and ask questions later. I think for anyone just out of a relationship where they've been manipulated and controlled, the next few boyfriends can be a good way to rebuild your confidence, provided you keep a bit of yourself back.

Verycarefully - I meant pretty much what yoni has said. Your new man may not be abusive but if you find yourself preoccupied by the relationship instead of focussing on your own development, you're in a toxic situation because you're actively preventing yourself from learning. New man is the cause of that, even if he's not responsible. If you were single, you'd have no such distraction.

Just things to bear in mind. I can't find it in me to begrudge you a bit of flirtation and some lazy Sundays in bed. Enjoy them.