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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Man could do with some female advice

30 replies

mrfrancis82 · 23/07/2013 10:17

Hello ladies, how are we on this fine morning?

I wouldn't go as far as to call this a dilemma, but it's a situation that I don't quite understand, so I'm hoping you guys can maybe help me out a bit.

So I met a girl who was working behind a bar a few months ago. She was looking for a job in her preferred industry and I know some recruiters, so I took her number. She's also French, so I helped her out with her CV and managed to find her a job.

We stay in touch and agree to a date on a Friday night, where we went to a comedy club and then a karaoke bar for a dance. She was quite open and told me half way through that I seemed really nervous at first - which I certainly was. She's 3 years older than me and absolutely stunning, so I was a bit shaky. The night goes well and we kiss at the end of the night. I send her a text to say thanks for the night, speak soon etc.

I get a text a few days later to say she only wants to be friends because of different personalities, but hopes we can still do things together, to which I'm fine about. I'd only met her once and just gave her a kiss as I thought she wanted me to. So we agree to be friends and stay in touch through texts and Facebook.

Fast forward to last week, I get about 5 facebook messages asking to meet up, and even suggesting that she comes to mine and cooks dinner. I think it's a bit strange but met her on Sunday for a drink. It was also strange, as she was acting quite coupley with me, flirting and even holding my hand. She then asked me back to hers, to which I declined as I was tired and had work on Monday.

I suppose the advice I'm looking for is what should I think of the situation? I admit that I'm shy, so my personality is very different the first time I meet someone than it is the second, so maybe that's it?

I quite like her but from when she said she only wanted to be friends, I never expected it to go anywhere. My mates are telling me to keep my distance as she's trying to mess with my head, which I'm inclined to agree.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:

MrsCosmopilite · 23/07/2013 10:19

Not really my line of experience (married my only boyfriend - together 21 yrs, married 17)... but I think you need to ask her what she wants.
She is blowing a little hot and cold. If she wants to be friends fine, if she wants a relationship fine. She may just want a fuck buddy... ??

ditavonteesed · 23/07/2013 10:19

I think you should ask her, tis the only way you will find out.

DuelingFanjo · 23/07/2013 10:19

If she has said she only wants to be friends then I would definitely keep a distance as you will probably only end up getting hurt.

Ipsissima · 23/07/2013 10:25

Worrying signs of manipulative personality. I would avoid being sucked in!!
You sound like a nice chap .... little point in buying into something which seems like an issue before it even gets started.

Original poster

mrfrancis82 · 23/07/2013 10:28

@ditavonteesed - I'm not asking her. I can happily be friends with her but when we meet as friends I don't expect to be flirting with someone.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrfrancis82 · 23/07/2013 10:32

One more thing I forgot - she has been liking pretty much all of my statuses on Facebook, even ones that are old, so she must have gone all the way back looking on my FB. What is that all about?

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 23/07/2013 10:32

Well I guess there could be several possibilities.

Maybe she's changed her mind -- it happens! Maybe the more she thought about it, she did feel some interest, especially after you were a nice guy about staying friends.

Or, maybe she was seeing someone else, and now that's fallen through, so she's more interested in you. Or maybe she's more interested since you don't seem to be pursuing her.

Or maybe she's just psycho

I think I wouldn't write it off yet, but see her one more time and see what happens -- if she's still really flirty then just ask her. 'What happened to just being friends?' and see what she says. If her answer sounds mind-gamey then yes, probably not a good idea to pursue.

dreamingbohemian · 23/07/2013 10:33

sorry x-post

Why can't you ask her?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2013 10:35

I'm going to be more optimistic than the above. I'd say she was in two minds about you after the date but has since decided that you're worth pursuing. Liking FB things is a way of getting your attention. All I'd say to you is to tread carefully. Any hint that she is the sort to pick you up when she's bored and drop you when she's got something better to do and you leave well alone. Good luck

TeamEdward · 23/07/2013 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WalkingRaces · 23/07/2013 10:44

Is she using you to make someone jealous?

Unlikely but I know someone like that. She's a PITA.

Best ask her if she's looking for a relationship or what she wants. Then decide.

Dahlen · 23/07/2013 10:50

How old are you both?

Some younger people can fall into the trap of trying to sweeten rejection by being 'nice' and making an extra effort to do things together to show that they "like you as a person" even though they're not interested sexually. If she's a little immature she may not have yet worked out the dangers of flirting with someone you're not that interested in. It could even just be her personality - some extrovert types pretty much flirt with anyone of either sex.

Or she could be interested in you and regret blowing you off. Or she could be a manipulator who enjoys pulling your strings. Or she could want to keep you in pulling distance simply because you represent a ticket to some job opportunities.

I think you need to ask her TBH since you don't know her well enough to make an informed opinion on this. If she still says "no" I'd drop the friendship. You don't owe her anything.

Original poster

mrfrancis82 · 23/07/2013 11:11

A main reason I don't want to ask, it might sound a bit sad but I like her company - if I start asking questions she may become a bit uncomfortable around me.

Answer to a previous question - I'm 28, she's 31.

I'm planning on meeting her one more time. If the flirting becomes too much, I will address it, but I'm really not one of those people who likes playing games so I'm not too hopeful about it all.

OP posts:

MumblingMummy · 23/07/2013 11:11

Is she new in town? It may be that she sees you as 'useful' until something better comes along. Perhaps she thinks that if you're willing to help her in one area you'll be willing to help in another. Be very careful. If you sleep with her, use protection (she may see you as a meal ticket if you're relatively well off). It's difficult to say without knowing more about her. How long has she been in the country? What are her ambitions? What are her aims in life? Does she have any friends? Ex boyfriends? Is she financially stable? Where are her parents? I would be on your guard as she sounds confused at best, manipulative at worst.

Dahlen · 23/07/2013 11:18

You need to ask. Liking her company is not a valid reason to put up with being played.

She may not be a player, but you won't know until you ask her. And the longer you leave that, the greater risk you expose yourself to if she is one. By the time you've worked it out you'll be well and truly hooked. If she is a player, your friendship isn't real anyway. You shouldn't be prepared to put up with that.

scrazy · 23/07/2013 11:21

She might want a bloke to go out with now and again and someone to treat her. If I say I want to be friends it's usually because I don't fancy them. I would tell her you have plenty of friends and are looking for a girlfriend, see what she says.

Bant · 23/07/2013 11:25

I agree - sorry, this is a blokes point of view :) But no one can tell what's going on in her head, maybe not even her. She may have said 'just friends' then you grew on her - more likely you're a convenient social crutch to have when she needs someone to hold her hand, but she won't be in a 'relationship' with you so doesn't need to reciprocate.

I know people like that and it's draining. If you want to see her again, just be honest and ask why she wanted to hold your hand the other day, she'd said just friends but she can't go giving mixed messages like that. I predict she'll get angry with you and tell you not to be so demanding and flounce off.

If she doesn't flounce and says she actually reconsidered and wants more, then yay. If not, she's bad news anyway. A friend is someone you can be honest and open with, and ask questions. You're better off without a friend who's just going to use you at their own convenience

Original poster

mrfrancis82 · 23/07/2013 11:35

Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it.

I'm off to France this week anyway where I went last year. I met (another) French girl there and we had a little thing going on - although she didn't speak a word of English and me the other way round. So I think I'll try and forget about it for a while and enjoy myself. I'm pretty easy going as it is - but I suppose, which is quite shallow, I wanted to give this as much as a go as possible because of how good looking she is.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 23/07/2013 11:38

When you're in a foreign country it's very random who you meet & you need to build friendships/relationships quickly to have a social life.

Sounds like she met you & thought you were a bit shy, then decided to give you another go.

In general the French are much more tactile, demonstrative & flirty in dating situations (my husband's French) so that's normal.

dontyouwantmebaby · 23/07/2013 12:10

I think her subsequent actions are at odds with her text to you after the date she said she'd rather be friends. She's coming across as someone who likes to be centre of attention and when you gave her space, she didn't like it hence the repeated requests about meeting up.

I'd say listen to your friends and keep your distance. She'll soon find someone else to charm. If you've already been on a date and if you were right for each other, you'd have been naturally meeting up again by now without any doubts, angst or drama.

re:facebook, for some reason old status updates can appear in my timeline so perhaps she hasn't been going through your page and 'liking' everything. Facebook does strange things, random stuff crops up now and again.

LJL69 · 23/07/2013 13:20

It may be that she was looking for you to chase her and is pd off that you took the lets be friends suggestion a bit too well? ie you are not as interested as she thought and that is more appealing to her. I am not a fan of those mind games.

Or she may have just changed her mind, found thats she is thinking about you more than she expected etc.
Really - just ask her? I know not easy but probably better than thinking through all possibilities and still not being sure

Lazyjaney · 23/07/2013 13:59

She sounds high maintenance to me. I dont think asking her will get very far, she either isn't sure what she wants, is being manipulative (so you won't get the truth) or is one of those people who have a new enthusiasm every other day.

If you like her enough to go on seeing her go for it, but I'd take a measure of her behaviour over time to get a view of where she is really coming from and not get too sucked in emotionally.

Darkesteyes · 23/07/2013 14:21

I wanted to give this as much as a go as possible because of how good looking she is

If it is just based on something as superficial as this then i cant see why you are stressing tbh.

Maybe she just wants a fwb type thing. Women like sex too.

Twinklestein · 23/07/2013 14:22

It's a wild generalisation but French women are often more high maintenance than British. They imbibe a lot of theories about la séduction, l'amour, la femme mystérieuse. Acting the coquette is pretty standard...

Personally my reading is that she thought the OP wasn't right for a relationship, but wanted to stay friends because she may not have a big social circle here yet. A few days later where she was at a loose end, felt lonely & called him up..

MadeMan · 23/07/2013 15:45

I'm not a female, but I'm posting to say that I agree with your mates and think you should keep your distance because it does sound as though she is already messing with your head, whether she's doing it on purpose or not.

Some of the other comments here about her being new in town, not having much of a social circle yet, needing future job opportunities from you, etc, etc, these are all good points.

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