Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Help world falling apart

48 replies

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 02:58

Hi, newcomer, so apologies if I do something wrong.
Been with OH 20 years. Ups and downs but generally good. 7 months ago found he had lied about money he said he was saving but wasn't, he didn't seem to get why I was upset. Then 4 months ago found a credit card statement showing a debt he had been lying about also. Really felt at a loss, he didn't seem to understand why I was upset still. I felt he had lied my trust in him. Eventually came to a head 3 weeks ago, I explained how I felt he had lied and I was having trust issues because of that. He said do you want me to leave and in general was very aggressive/ defensive in response. It got to crisis point and we agreed to go to counselling. Had 2 sessions, and I was just starting to feel reassured that we could get through it. Tonight I found a text from a close friend of both of ours to him, obviously too intimate for normal conversation, can't stop thinking about you.
Asked him about it and he admitted that for 4 months or so they have been chatting Inappropriately, have kissed and he has told her he loves her. He wants space to think about what he wants to do.
I am so scared, so angry at both of them. The pain and panic I feel takes my breath away.
Will I be ok?

OP posts:

charitymum · 23/07/2013 03:08

Yes you will.

How horrible. Can't say what husband will decide but you need help thinking about what you really want. Consider going to counselling alone if needbe.

But whatever happens you will survive. You will be happy. It will pass.

Mixxy · 23/07/2013 03:09

Of course you'll be ok. In fact, you'll be better off without this consummate liar and thief.

Did he ever explain where the money went? Was it on other women? A gambling problem or just simple selfish stupidity? Take your pick, none of these options sound appealing.

If the trust is gone and he's "in love" with somebody else, get to a solicitor. Get your money back and move on.

SavoyCabbage · 23/07/2013 03:14

You will definitely be ok. You need to get out of this relationship though.

Monty27 · 23/07/2013 03:17

I'd have packed him a bag and told him he was leaving to sort himself out.

Monty27 · 23/07/2013 03:19

Sorry posted too soon.

In the meantime, you need to ask yourself some questions and find out exactly where that money went and why he lied. Do you know who the woman is that he kissed? Can you forgive him that?

Take time on your own to ask yourself if you can live with that. I don't think I could but we're all different.

And you will feel better when he clears this mess up.

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 03:33

Hi, thanks, money apparently just went on day to day things, he didn't agree with our saving plans, but didn't want to say anything. Woman is very close friend, who I had been getting a gut feeling about but thought she was just looking for male reassurance, asked him to step back from her, just to help me with my irrational (not so it appears) trust issues.
Just so wish we weren't at this point. Have asked councellor for a 1 to 1 as soon as she can fit me in. Don't want to break daughters heart.
Planning to go and see 'friend' tomorrow to see if her story matches, don't know why though, suppose I just want her husband to know.
I hoped you would tell me it could work, I am overreacting (heard that a lot recently). Have told him to go and stay at male friends tomorrow night, and that I need an answer if he want to try and make things work and go to counselling by fri, even if it a one off to decide how we separate.
I am so disappointed in myself that I am desperate for him to say he wants to have a go at making it work. I know I should tell him to go and not come back.

OP posts:

Mixxy · 23/07/2013 03:45

Why would you be disappointed in yourself at all? You didn't secretly squander family money, you didn't have the affair (I'm not buying the just kissing line).

Would you really honest to god want this man back? I'm not talking about wishing none of it ever happened- everybody would want that. I'm talking 5 years down the line.

Monty27 · 23/07/2013 03:45

Oh she's a good friend. Turning to each other for some reason or another, and she's married too

Some may disagree, but I'd put cards on the table all round too.

One night isn't going to solve it OP, send him packing while you have time to sort this out for yourself. And tell him you will consider talking to him when he has something sensible to say and not until you're ready.

I feel for you

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 03:47

Thank you so much, just need to get an outside view, I know you are right, it just hurts so much.

OP posts:

Bedtime1 · 23/07/2013 04:05

Bluebell - of course you will be okay... You deserve a nice man

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 04:20

Thank you, any tips for how you carry on and pretend all is ok for daughter and outside world when everything is collapsing?
Silver lining is my gut was right, everything i have been feeling for 7 months was right, I was cracking up, although now I might be!

OP posts:

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 04:20

Wasn't cracking up I meant!

OP posts:

Monty27 · 23/07/2013 04:21

Of course it hurts OO, but the sooner it's sorted, the sooner you will heal.

Maybe you'll both work it out, how knows, but for now, take a step back and look at your relationship.

And I would go and see the woman.

Monty27 · 23/07/2013 04:25

How old is your dd? I didn't think I missed that but scanned the thread and don't see it.

You look at your dd, (whatever age) and if it's as bad as you think it might be (you don't really know yet), you think of how proud of you she would be, because you don't take crap off any man. Does that make any sense?

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 04:26

She is 9

OP posts:

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 04:27

I know, it is just having the strength to rise above it all, and do it in the best way for her.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 23/07/2013 04:38

I found self respect and dignity did it. It hurt like hell though, I'm not going to dress it up any other way. I did it twice, with dcs dad (went off with a close friend of mine when they were 2 and 4) and a subsequent dp (years later) who was far too interested in my financial assets so I dumped him even though I adored him (only 10 months ago).

My dc's look up to me for both.

And you will be ok. But you don't know the full story yet.

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 04:47

I am sorry you have been through this twice, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Gonna try and get an hours sleep :(
Thank you all for the support, don't know why you are awake, but i am glad you were.
I will post full story when I get it, :(.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 23/07/2013 04:52

You take care and I really am sorry you're going through this. It may not be as bad as it seems.

I'm up because I'm on leave from work and it's too dam hot to even attempt to sleep, but I'm glad you've had people to listen and share. There are caring people on here, and no-one likes to see someone hurting.

Nite and a virtual hug x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2013 09:17

One thing's for sure... you don't have 'trust issues'. You were with someone you couldn't trust. As you say, your gut was right. I'm sorry this has happened to you and know what a nasty shock you've had. Look after yourself and your DD now. You're #1 priority.

cathpants · 23/07/2013 10:00

Hey bluebell, just wanted to come on and offer a virtual hug, hope it helps to talk to someone today xxxxxx Ps can you guess who it is ;)

Nanorama · 23/07/2013 10:26

Hi Bluebell, Big hug from me too. Anytime you need us, we're here.xxxx. PS I'm sure you can guess me too.

chaosagain · 23/07/2013 11:04

So sorry you're going through this. You will be ok and even in all the pain there may be some comfort in knowing you were not overreacting, being unreasonable or any thing else he may have slung at you over the last few months. Your instincts were right. He has behaved appallingly and please don't let him blame you for it. He decided to do what he's done and he had choices along the way. If anyone might break your DD's heart it's him, not you. You're entitled to respond in a way that is best for you (and her) in the longer run.

Be careful not to give him all control at this point. He may need to work out what he wants but that shouldn't mean you'll be sitting pretty at home hoping he'll choose you. You need some time and space to work out what you want too and then you'll both need to spend some time discussing the best way forward after that. He needs to give you that physical space and in being somewhere else he needs to get a glimpse of what it is he might be giving up, if you decide there isn't a future together. It might help him understand the seriousness of what he's done.

When it comes to thinking about going to see the OW, think about your own dignity and wellbeing in the long run.

My MIL went to see the OW while her husband was 'deciding' what do to. She'd discovered an 18 month affair with a good friend of hers. She was calm and dignified throughout, although also very plain speaking. It was really important to her later on that she'd managed to behave in that way.

Hugs. You're stronger than you think. Look after yourself and don't be afraid to look to true friends for support (and tell them what he's done).

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 23/07/2013 16:36

Thank you for all the messages, OW wasn't there gone on holiday this am, so dignity somewhat intact. Spent day talking to a dear friend, and have decided to take control, going over it clarified his issues for me, and made me see although hard it is not personal, it is his own problems. He will need to get there on his own before we can decide anything. So all I can do is make the decisions I have control over, working out tonight at my 1 to 1 how best to give him the space, and make my position clear. His loss, I now know, and I wish him luck finding his elusive happiness, maybe one day he will think to look to himself for that, but not my problem anymore, I can take a hint, I know when I am being pushed away and not appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

00Bluebell00 · 24/07/2013 03:59

Well all agreed, separating, what he wants, what I need for sanity. Read the MLC script, and so true, it is so sad, but if someone isn't mature or self aware enough to own their issues, then this is the result.
Counsellor says this is the shock phase, I just hope the anger stage holds off for our pre planned trip to London with daughter.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2