Help world falling apart

[00Bluebell00]

Hi, newcomer, so apologies if I do something wrong.
Been with OH 20 years. Ups and downs but generally good. 7 months ago found he had lied about money he said he was saving but wasn't, he didn't seem to get why I was upset. Then 4 months ago found a credit card statement showing a debt he had been lying about also. Really felt at a loss, he didn't seem to understand why I was upset still. I felt he had lied my trust in him. Eventually came to a head 3 weeks ago, I explained how I felt he had lied and I was having trust issues because of that. He said do you want me to leave and in general was very aggressive/ defensive in response. It got to crisis point and we agreed to go to counselling. Had 2 sessions, and I was just starting to feel reassured that we could get through it. Tonight I found a text from a close friend of both of ours to him, obviously too intimate for normal conversation, can't stop thinking about you.
Asked him about it and he admitted that for 4 months or so they have been chatting Inappropriately, have kissed and he has told her he loves her. He wants space to think about what he wants to do.
I am so scared, so angry at both of them. The pain and panic I feel takes my breath away.
Will I be ok?

Good decision for you, I think. Rip it off like a bandaid.

Sorry this has all happened so suddenly.

Am I right that you are

Sorry...am I right that you are intending on jointly taking a ore planned trip to London together? STOP right there! Do not under any circumstances go out as a family together. I am all for civility during relationship break downs but you are less than 48 hours on from discovering your DH is a cheating arsehole, civility comes later when mutual respect returns.

If you allow your DH to participate in a joint family life he will be having his cake and eating it. He threw your family life away the minute he decided to shag the OW (and I'd bet my last $ he has ) so make him understand what exactly that means: him living away from the family house and not getting to indulge himself playing the great father before slinking off to OW.

Come on get strong - anger (at this stage) is good!

Please don't make the planned trip to London as a 'family',
Platinum is right to say that it really isn't a good thing to start this process by continuing to allow him a 'happy families' scenario.
Take your DD on your own, and just tell him that spending a trip playing nice isn't an option any more.
This is the first of the 'being strong' attitudes that you will need to adopt.

I have a concern for you though OP. Right now it has shifted to being all about the affair ......but it would be a good idea to brace yourself for a lot more debt being revealed that you have no idea about.

Hi, I have struggled with this London 2 day trip and what to do, had decided I was not feeling strong enough to do it with daughter on own, so had asked OH to go on his own with her. However after counselling session, and having mentioned to daughter that I wouldn't be going and seeing how upset she was, I can see that I need him to come, I need to be there for daughter, and I don't care if he feels like he is having his cake and eating, come next week when he is out of house and on his own he will know that is not the case. I don't think there is any harm in delaying it, it is not like I am hoping any more that he realises what he has done and changes his mind.
I know anger is good, and I need to get there, but I don't want to get there before he has moved out, if I let him have it when the anger comes it might jeopardise a good controlled separation which our daughter deserves.
Counsellor says I have to put what he wants, thinks, might feel out of my head and focus on dd & I, so I am going to ignore what it means to him to be coming to London, and focus on what it means to her and I.
Am I wrong?

Hi just to clarify, what it means to me is that I will be able to go to london with daughter. I cannot go on my own with her as I cannot eat and feel so physically and mentally weak that it would not be safe. Telling her it is off is not an option, fortune spent and she is looking forward to it so much, so it is either her and him or all of us. He is happy to do whatever I want.

ResNulis- hadn't even thought of there being more debt, mind you hadn't thought about affair till just over 24 hours ago. I will ask him but he is not good at owning up to stuff. I feel he won't have, but now who knows!

Bluebell so sorry you are going through this. It's hard isn't it, I don't think anyone appreciates how hard unless they've been there.
As to confronting OW I would avoid it if you can. I know you want to now but 6 months a year down the line you will regret it. I would have loved to confront her at the time I was in my ' dark phase' as I call it. Now I am so glad I didn't ( I also was advised not to on MN and thought " what do they know" ) but now looking back I am soooo glad I didn't. If it makes you feel better send her a text/ email telling here how disappointed you are in her as a friend. It will have more impact on her than ranting at her and telling her H.
It will also make you look like the crazy wronged wife and will give her and him ammo, ( and maybe even push them closer)
the worst thing my STBXH said to me was after I ranted at him over it was " see that's the reason I started an affair" !!! That hurt so much ( and still does tbh) . Try to be dignified ( most of the time anyway)
As the wise women of MN say " fake it till you make it!!"

First the practical. If you can't eat can you drink? Milk shakes and smoothies provide a lot of basic nutrients. Slim Fast can be a good short term answer. You can not eat for two days without any real adverse effects. However as it is so hot I might suggest Sports drinks to ensure you have the right balance of minerals as well as water, the sugar will also help with feeling light headed.

I would also suggest taking some steps to separate your financial affairs. If you can gather documents (copies of bank statements, credit cards, savings, insurance, mortgage, birth certificates etc.) and keep them somewhere safe.

Finally I am really sorry this has happened to you, and that you even know the OW. You will get through this - we believe in you.

So sorry. :(

You will be ok. You will because you need to for your daughter. She'll have a good time, thanks to you.

He's the double cheater (money and woman). I know it hurts now, but ultimately you'll be well rid of someone who doesn't respect you or love you.

I wouldn't do the London trip, no way. He doesn't deserve it. Do it on your own with dd.

I have been in a similar place its so hard

If going to London with him is what you want thats fine, I dont think at this stage I would have been up to pulling it off on my own either. If you did think you could though it would be a huge boost to your confidence and might serve as a milestone trip.

I second not contacting your friend at all , nothing good can come of it and maybe it would make you feel worse. Try to detach from her completely

Hi thanks all, trip to London completed I survived. I was not strong enough to go on my own, barely managed it with him. Have agreed he is leaving home and our bed tomorrow. He has agreed to go see doctor about his depression which he finally admits he has.
It is like my pretend bubble will shatter tomorrow and then I will see how strong I can be.
You are right about so called friend, i will leave it. I have asked that he not move in with her for a year min as it will mess with daughters head her being her friends mum, we have seen it first hand with other friends. Do I have a right too? I don't even know what is happening between them, he may be playing it down, but it seems like he doesn't know if she will want to be with him or leave her husband, but he is hoping!
it makes me feel so sick to thing about it.
Will let you know if I get through tomorrow.

when you say leaving your bed - please say you are not still having sex with the man??

I know this will sound horribly harsh but you need to get angry and start to disentangle...reading your last post as an independent third party it is clear as day that he is keeping you as a backup in case things don't work out with OW....and you appear to be allowing it. Talk of a depression that he can blame, that he is discussing potential plans with the OW with you. It screams the script.

Good luck

I went through exactly what you are going through OP. infact your posts could be mine except I didn't know about MN at the time or the script so made many mistakes which meant I suffered more than necessary. My STBXH also went to the doctor for depression once he told me about the OW. Doctor told him he wasn't depressed.

I gave my ex a second chance and tried to bury my head in the sand but the stress nearly killed me. In the end the OW got him and you know what after a few months I felt she was welcome to him. The trust had gone and he treated me - who was meant to be his best friend, his rock etc like shit. I'm one year on now and although still think of the future I have lost just have to remind myself as to how he treated me and the kids.

Stay strong and try to eat - although I couldn't either for about 3 weeks. It will get better. X

I would bet he doesn't have depression - he might but from what you have said he the doesn't sound like he has depression. Generally speaking (and I speak from a lot of experience) depressives don't have the energy to conduct extra marital affairs. Depression doesn't cause us sufferers to seek something outside the marriage. He might have depression but don't let him use it as an excuse for his behaviour - it isn't. He chose to do this. He would have known it was wrong. You will get through this. You will survive and you will have a better life as a result. Your daughter will survive - it already sounds as if you're doing everything you can to limit the impact on her - but remember it is not you doing this to her - it was his behaviour. He will probably try and blame you for at least some of it - whilst there may have been problems in your marriage - he chose to do it. He chose to look outside the marriage rather than trying to address issues within it. Those decisions are not your fault or your responsibility.

Thank you for these last 3 posts they help with strength I need. And no no sex since march argument. Couldn't as I felt like he was someone else how he was acting, and I was upset with him, not like he was bothered though.

Take it easy on yourself Bluebell. I know you had a hard time in London, but did DD enjoy?

Yes I think dd did enjoyed it. It was worth it.
He left today, and daughter is told. Time to get my head into the right place looking forward. Wish me luck.

Good luck Bluebell. Thinking of you. This must be so difficult.

Yes good luck Bluebell. It's very hard but at least you know what you need to do - I'm in a mess about my H's infidelity. I wish you well.

Good luck Bluebell! Keep us posted on how you get on

Good luck Bluebell! Keep us posted on how you get on.