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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being paranoid?

67 replies

remaininganon · 08/02/2004 22:22

A year or so ago I found out that dh had been very friendly with a colleague - daily lengthy emails, text messages etc. Nothing much else (she is overseas, they met on a course abroad), though dh admitted to a snog when they met in London. but the relationship had become rather flirtatious, including exchanging valentines gifts and dh also writing and recording a love song.

Dh agreed to stop the correspondence and seems to have done so. It did hurt that he had managed to hide everything so well - it was purely due to an ill timed email that I found out - he was very deliberately hiding his tracks. We have been in counselling, and whilst I don't entirely trust him, we're getting on OK. The correspondence would have lasted 3 months in total.

I have been searching on Friends Reunited and noted the dh had updated his details recently, including in his list of "20 favourite words" a phrase that seemed to be significant in his correspondence with this woman (it was the title of the song he wrote, plus featured as their chatroom name - may have other conotations - I never saw any correspondence). Searching on this woman's details she has also included it(both have updated their details in the last month, she did so first).

Am I being paranoid in wondering whether they are still in touch or trying to communicate? Should I say anything?

OP posts:
Cam · 10/02/2004 11:02

remaininganon, he has to sleep sometime!

Twinkie · 10/02/2004 11:17

You need to go through this with him - ask him and get to the bottom of it - changing details etc may be a way to catch him out (and is very funny) but it will still knaw at you honey.

I would have to be a bit cynical about how far the relatinship went TBH - writing a love song for someone you haven't even shagged??? And including stuff from that song in a different website just as she is - honey don't play with this - go for his jugular and get it sorted!!

Coddy · 10/02/2004 11:19

ooh twink good points

Twinkie · 10/02/2004 11:24

Bit F*cked off that DP never bloody written me a love song Coddy!!

Just think that this sort of thing can really screw you up - would be the reason why if DP cheated on me he would be out - it is the ultimate betrayal and wheter it be just a snog or a full blown shag - it is the same infidelity - once they have done it once they will do it again IMO - if they don't have enough respect for you in the first place whats gonna change?? (I am an old cynic though - I am sure lots of people go onto be happy when one of them have cheated - I wouldn't though!!)

august24 · 10/02/2004 11:37

I agree with what twinkie said, but having gone through something similar I know that people can lie about what has been done and what has not. So if you want to be the ultimate snoop then you can actually record everything that is typed on your computer with a software like this

remaininganon · 10/02/2004 11:46

Yes, I suspect that I am going to have to talk to him about it - I'm going to hold on until the weekend if I can though as I want to talk to our marriage counsellor first (whom I'm seeing Friday).

I probably would have been more inclined to have made more of an issue of it last time, but the timing was particularly bad as I was 6 months pg. I am inclined to believe that he didn't sleep with her - he still maintains that it was "just a good friendship" and he wouldn't feel so self-righteous if he had. The fact that she lives in Australia also helps... But she has been over.

As for the phone - yes he does sleep, but the phone is on recharge by his bed - perhaps I should be more suspicious! It is a pay as you go, so no bills, and it is damn fiddly - I can't find anything as useful as a list of calls sent (I have tried). His previous model was better...

Yes I have been tempted to kick him out, but our 3 year old thinks the world of him...

I guess the thing that bugs me is that as far as "evidence" goes, anything I have is fairly weak, and it would be unreasonable of me to end a marriage over a website reference... And yet now that doubts are there it doesn't feel the same at all...

OP posts:
remaininganon · 10/02/2004 11:48

Thanks August24- unfortunately he mainly uses his pc at work which I have no access to.

Oh and Twinkie - he's never written a song for me either, though he did perform one that was special to me at our wedding.

OP posts:
Twinkie · 10/02/2004 12:48

I wouldn't trust him being self righteous - you saw from spooks thread that guilt can make men act strangley and sorry but the bastard had no right to act self righteous - he betrayed you the degree of what he did does not matter - how dare he be slef righteous.

And as for the 3 year old - sorry honey - she can adore him if he is not in your life too!!

remaininganon · 10/02/2004 21:08

Well updating Friends re got a reaction. He came home with a card saying that he was sorry - he had been thoughtless, and was not sending out any messages.

Doesn't really resolve much though as basic issue is whether I can trust him or not... oh well. thanks for all the ideas anyway.

OP posts:
beetroot · 10/02/2004 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

remaininganon · 10/02/2004 21:48

I substituted "Daddy" as he hadn't refered to his boys.
Yes, I've been around for a while under other names, but not a "bar" regular though.

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princesspeahead · 10/02/2004 22:13

remaining anon, I think he is being untruthful to you. the "blue mountains" thing was wierd enough, but for him to go back and check his entry on friends re on the mere suggestion that you had found a "coincidence" screams guilty concience to me. Proven by the fact that once he did check, and saw that you changed it, he came back supposedly repentant. there is definitely something going on and he definitely was sending messages, and any man who does all this secret message crap on a website with a woman has definitely slep with her. He isn't just flirting. He isn't being honest with you, and you deserve better than that. Sorry to be blunt, but I suspect you know this too.
So - Get up at 2 this morning, take his phone into the loo, and try and see what is going on. And I would also confront him about it, it isn't fair that he is pretending nothing is going on when both of you know that it is. I really feel for you, best of luck.

beetroot · 10/02/2004 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WideWebWitch · 11/02/2004 07:51

Sadly, I too think PPH is probably right.

Batters · 11/02/2004 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bugsy2 · 11/02/2004 12:25

remaininganon, I also feel really suspicious on your behalf and wouldn't trust him at all. I would watch him like a hawk but also have a think about whether this is the way you want to continue too.

remaininganon · 11/02/2004 14:08

Have now devoured all my Valentine chocolates (thank you whoever you were - they were divine!) in order to make myself feel better. Am now deeply suspicious as dh has volunteered to take ds1 swimming (an activity which I have been promoting for months, but in the end gave up and was taking him myself).

Yes, I don't trust him. Problem for me is that I have no proof (this time round) of anything untowards really. Yes the Friends Re thing is highly suspicious and inappropriate, but I don't feel that I can give up on our marriage just for that (and certainly not for taking ds swimming!). Last year there was clearly a breech of trust, but I did decide to forgive him and work at things. Now I just feel uncertain as to whether something is going on, but have no real proof.

I did get hold of the phone, but couldn't get anything useful from it. She's not in the address book (under any name) and I can't find a call register (I'll see if there is a manual on the website - menu like none other that I have seen).

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