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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being paranoid?

67 replies

remaininganon · 08/02/2004 22:22

A year or so ago I found out that dh had been very friendly with a colleague - daily lengthy emails, text messages etc. Nothing much else (she is overseas, they met on a course abroad), though dh admitted to a snog when they met in London. but the relationship had become rather flirtatious, including exchanging valentines gifts and dh also writing and recording a love song.

Dh agreed to stop the correspondence and seems to have done so. It did hurt that he had managed to hide everything so well - it was purely due to an ill timed email that I found out - he was very deliberately hiding his tracks. We have been in counselling, and whilst I don't entirely trust him, we're getting on OK. The correspondence would have lasted 3 months in total.

I have been searching on Friends Reunited and noted the dh had updated his details recently, including in his list of "20 favourite words" a phrase that seemed to be significant in his correspondence with this woman (it was the title of the song he wrote, plus featured as their chatroom name - may have other conotations - I never saw any correspondence). Searching on this woman's details she has also included it(both have updated their details in the last month, she did so first).

Am I being paranoid in wondering whether they are still in touch or trying to communicate? Should I say anything?

OP posts:
Coddy · 08/02/2004 22:42

LOl

god your spelling is as bad as mine

Coddy · 08/02/2004 22:43

night all

update tomorrow pl RA

Beccarollover · 08/02/2004 22:43

I would say your not being paranoid at all!!

Id be very tempted not to just delete it as I think he needs to know he cant pull wool over your eyes that easily. Edit his entry - just something subtle enough for him to know he has been rumbled

beetroot · 08/02/2004 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

popsycal · 08/02/2004 22:46

i like 'you've been rumbled'
do it doit

Beccarollover · 08/02/2004 22:48

change it to green hill

or just your first name

remaininganon · 08/02/2004 22:53

Will probably change to my name. But tbh it is not Friends Reunited which is bothering me per se - more whether they are still in contact. Would the inclusion of that phrase set alarm bells ringing?

Her list is Andrew, family, friends, blue mountains, chocolate, red wine, thrillers, handbags, lipsticks, kittens, London, San Francisco, godchildren, mango, Liam Neeson, Colin Firth.

Does it look out of place? And if so what does it mean?

OP posts:
Beccarollover · 08/02/2004 22:55

can you expand on why Blue Mountains was important to them both? Did they both have it as chatroom name?

I think its v bizarre they both have it in the list and that its been updated recently

beetroot · 08/02/2004 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

popsycal · 08/02/2004 22:56

i am with becca

remaininganon · 08/02/2004 23:17

They used "blue mountains" as a chat room name and also it was the title of a love song which dh wrote for her. IIRC the reference comes from the writings of CS Lewis, and the phrase seemed to be related to the fact that "something clicked" when they were together, and that changed the perspective. Sorry can't explain it very well as it was explained to me when dh played me the song and I was rather upset at the time...

Have asked dh whether he has been in touch and he has said "no", but wondered why I was asking. I mentioned a coincidence but refused to say more. Will now change Friends Re.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 08/02/2004 23:19

how awful for you remaininganon

i would be feeling just the same

definitely keep a close eye on his communications and change the FR entry

beetroot · 08/02/2004 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Coddy · 09/02/2004 07:13

have you changed it?

remaininganon · 09/02/2004 08:11

Not yet - I will later today. Decided to wait until he got to work and see if he tried to change it first... if so, I know I'm not being paranoid.

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 09/02/2004 12:05

God remaininganon, I feel sick just reading your post. It brings back all the feelings of doubt and insecurity I used to have. Please try and get to the bottom of this somehow. Can you check his 'phone too?
Thinking of you.

charliecat · 09/02/2004 12:35

For anyone thinking about spying on someones mobile phone, if you are suspicious about one particular name swop the name with YOUR phone number so that when dp/dh rings HER they ring you and you can they say how come your ringing her the minute you get out of work or the front door whatever!!!!!

jenie · 09/02/2004 13:17

Very clerver charlie! I'm impressed what a great way to catch someone out!

remaininganon · 09/02/2004 13:51

As Dh proved that he was very good at covering his tracks last time, I suspect that he will have deleted all evidence from his phone - he did last time and it was only by discovering an option that listed the number of texts (not the phone numbers though) that I got an inkling that they were in regular contact. As they're not meant to be in contact at all even the presence of her number in his phone book would be cause for alarm.

That said I probably am being paranoid - he probably included it for sentimental reasosn, and not because it is still ongoing. It is hard to rebuild trust once it is broken though.

OP posts:
Coddy · 09/02/2004 13:59

change it

go on

Carla · 09/02/2004 14:00

Especially, charliecat, if they think they've just misdialled the first time and then call you AGAIN.

charliecat · 09/02/2004 14:13

I was having a paranoid moment myself when i thought that one up...yeah Carla, what a thought! Sad we have to be just as cunning to work these cheats out though. I agree remaininganon, once the trust is broken i dont think it is possible to repair it 100 percent.

remaininganon · 09/02/2004 18:29

Have changed his friends re details. Not sure whether he will ever notice, but we'll see. At least he didn't try and change it himself. Checking his phone is more difficult - so rarely out of his sight.

OP posts:
Trifle · 09/02/2004 20:18

I'm sure he probably deletes all text messages but have you checked the call register for dialled numbers, received numbers etc etc as he might forget to go that far. What about the phone bills, what happens to them, can you open them if received in the post or access them over the internet if viewed that way. The mere fact that this info is on Friends Reunited shows that she is not forgotten and as far as I am concerned he is being unfaithful and disrespectful regardless of whether he is doing the physical act or not.

Coddy · 10/02/2004 11:00

good fro you RA