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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sick of my lazy arse husband

56 replies

Imabadmum · 22/07/2013 16:44

Been married for 7 years, together 8, 4 dc between us (2 togther, had one each when we met) ranging in age 15 - 4.

When i stopped work to have the two youngest, he would go out to work between 11am and 3pm typically (supposed to be 9-5), sometimes less. He is a sales rep, so is flexible but plays it to the limit. Has got caught and fired several times. I eventually figured if our dc were to have any kind of childhood (holidays, nice clothes, the things all their friends have) I needed to go back to work ft and be the main breadwinner because he is hopeless. Been back at work 2.5 years now, earning well and under a fair amount of pressure. When i initially went back to work i figured, as for years he had worked 11-3 he could do school runs, and prepare an evening meal. He failed spectacularly, i would arrive home and find tortillas with cucumber and grated cheese for tea for 6 people, or something so awfully burnt as to be inedible and i would then have to cook something for the dc.

he is twatting about in the garage now with a drill, doing god knows what while i am working from home. I get up at 6-6.30am every day and work until 6pm, he gets up about 7.30 and spends the first 2 hours smoking and having coffee. I pay for an au pair to help me with the children now. whenever i do ask him to do something he makes the least possible effort, and does just the bare minimum. I cant complain he hasnt done it, but i usually have to do it all again as he has done a crap job (like getting the washing in, won't fold, just screws it up neatly, you know what i mean).

I would leave him if it werent for the dc, but i dont want to break up the family. Leaving him might make me happy, but would ruin everyone else's life so would be utterly selfish. and if the dc werent happy, i wouldnt be either.

if i try to bring this up with him he gets very angry, slams doors and storms off in a wheel spinning cloud of exhaust fumes.

he just doesnt seem to have any kind of work ethic and expects a free ride through life, off me and off his parents.

thanks for reading, moan over. If anyone has anything constructive to say please do, but quite frankly i just want to punch him in the face right now.

OP posts:

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 22/07/2013 16:47

" and if the dc werent happy, i wouldnt be either."

Conversely, and ultimately, they won't be happy if you're not...........

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 16:58

Why is it always when a woman decides that her family would be better off minus the member who is making everyone miserable, creating extra work and doing sod all to contribute ..... she's the one worrying about breaking up the family while the guilty party just pouts his lip and clearly couldn't give a shit?! Always

He's the one who doesn't want to be part of a family. If he was worried about the family staying together he'd act like a family man instead of some overgrown toddler. He'll be quite happy in some grotty bedsit all by himself, smoking and drinking coffee... and probably finding some other poor woman to sponge off.

I'll hold him while you punch him if you like... :)

Original poster

Imabadmum · 22/07/2013 16:59

hmmmm - nope but i am (allegedly) a grown up and should put a brave face on it - the dc cant do that and i wouldnt want them to.

Made my bed, gotta lie in it, just fancied letting off some steam and having a grumble.

sorry to burden MN with it... x

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2013 17:03

Sorry OP, but only martyrs think if you've made your bed you should lie on it.

The fact is he's an idle good for nothing husband who is giving his children a very bad example. You have to pay someone to take care of them when he's there!

I would leave. Do you want your children to grow up like him?

delilahlilah · 22/07/2013 17:04

Staying isn't necessarily the best thing for the children. They are more aware of what goes on around them than we realise. The longer he thinks you will put up with this indefinitely, the less likely he is to change. He is being unfair to you and the kids.

YoniRanger · 22/07/2013 17:05

How can your children be totally happy when their dad doesn't give a flying fuck about them?

Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 17:09

He is selfish. He won't do the basic minimum to care for his children. He doesn't respect you. He's not going to change. Your dc will grow up thinking this is normal.

Is that what you want?

If you stay with him that will be your life. And theirs. You choose.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2013 17:14

There are no prizes awarded for being a martyr within a marriage and your children as well won't thank you for staying with their dad either. They will call you daft for doing so and also wonder of you why you put him before them.

How would you yourself feel if your children as adults went on to have the same sort of relationship as you currently have?. You'd be horrified wouldn't you?. What you are also teaching them here is that this poor treatment of you is acceptable on some level to you, they are also learning damaging lessons form you as well as their lazy dad.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 17:17

"should put a brave face on it"

I grew up with parents that have no great liking for each other. They both put 'brave faces on it' and thought they were fooling everyone. They didn't fool my DB and me.... we got out of there as soon as we were old enough to do so and neither of us likes going back to see them because the atmosphere is so poisonous. 50+ years he's been a big disappointment to her and 50+ years she's been a big PITA to him. It's the most miserable waste of two lives I've ever seen.

Dahlen · 22/07/2013 17:21

Been married for 7 years, together 8, 4 dc between us (2 togther, had one each when we met) ranging in age 15 - 4.

When she stopped work to have the two youngest, I was the breadwinner. I enabled her to be a SAHM. Instead of being grateful all she did was moan when a succession of nasty bosses who couldn't appreciate my talent kept on letting me go. Eventually, being the control freak she is she decided it would be better if I SAH and she went out to earn the money. Good I though. I'm all for equality and it would give her an idea of how hard I worked. Instead, nothing I ever do is good enough. Why should I have to cook fantastic meals every night? What's wrong with tortillas with cucumber and grated cheese for tea for 6 people, or the occasional kitchen mishap. And why shouldn't she cook something for tea now and again? Doesn't she know how lucky she is to have me and how wonderful it is that I allow her to be an emancipated woman who works instead of being a real mum?

I've just been in the garage now with a drill. I'm hiding from her because she's off one one. For some reason she seems to think that getting up a good hour before me, having to sort the children before going to work while i sit around for 2 hours smoking and having coffee is unacceptable. Why shouldn't I be able to do that? It's not as if I have to go out to work and looking after children is hard work. She should know as she pays for an au pair to help me because she's such a control freak she just criticises me for everything. I've decided I'm not going to bother from now on. If she doesn't like it she can do it herself the lazy arse.

She won't leave me. She knows that it's better for DC not to be in a broken home.

Don't you see that this man will never change? If he was capable of empathy and doing the right thing by you and your DC he wouldn't be behaving in this manner.

The lessons you are teaching your DC are way, way more damaging than any they'll learn as the result of you being a single parent. Chucking this cocklodger out would at least teach them that they are in control of their own destinies, that they should never tolerate someone walking all over them, and that possession of a penis does not entitle a man to be a lazy arse. Do you really want your DSs to grow up behaving like this and your DDs to think that's all they can expect from a relationship?

imademarion · 22/07/2013 17:21

I cant complain he hasnt done it,

Why the fuck not?

You don't have to be super aggressive or over apologetic by by god you have got to communicate that this will not do.

Have you DD? Do you want them to think women are downtrodden uncomplaining drudges?

Have you DS? Would you be proud if they modelled themselves on their feckless freeloader of a father?

It's a marriage, which in this day a d age is a partnership, not you having a shit life doing everything with no support while he arses about with coffee and fags in the garage.

You have a right to a decent life. You only get one. Take it, and best of luck. Do let us know how it goes and take strength that you are not asking for too much.

imademarion · 22/07/2013 17:24

Xpost with Dahlen on role models...

Ezio · 22/07/2013 17:30

If your marriage is the modern marriage, then fuck me im staying single.

Dahlen is right, do you want your children thinking this relationship is the norm and they should expect this, it'll fuck them up and trust me they wont thank you for it.

Nanny0gg · 22/07/2013 17:39

I used to have the 'stay together for the sake of the children' mindset.

Not so much now.

You're doing everything in this marriage, he's doing nothing. He's contributing nothing.
He's no example to the children of a loving parent, or someone who contributes to family life. There is no example of a provider of any sort from him, it's all down to you.

You get nothing from him, the children don't either. Does his DC live with you? What's the home atmosphere like for everyone?

I see no reason to stay.

LadyintheRadiator · 22/07/2013 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 22/07/2013 17:56

You've a few choices. But none of them are probably great and some maybe not even feasible.

You could put up with the situation as it is
You could make him do more
You could get more help
You could leave
You could get a part-time job instead of full time

Can't think of any others. I do sympathise because your life sounds quite difficult and I'm not surprised your are resentful.

Original poster

Imabadmum · 22/07/2013 18:20

Life is too complicated to explain in a simple post. I wont leave because the dc would stand to lose far more than they would gain. His parents are wealthy and bought him a nice property which allows us to have a good lifestyle (ie the kids all have ponies, which i pay for, and look after, but I can only do it because we have land).

He is a poor role model and i have worried about this for a long time but i hope i am a good enough role model and balance it out a bit. I dont think they will grow up to see me as a downtrodden martyr but i do worry my DS's will think that this is normal behaviour for a dad.

I think many (if not most) mums make sacrifices for their children and this is mine.

I daydream that when the dc have flown the nest i will probably follow.

OP posts:

missbopeep · 22/07/2013 18:29

Money is not everything. If I were a child I'd trade my pony and big house and rich inlaws for a mummy and daddy who were happy, and a daddy who helped around the house and kept my mum happy.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/07/2013 18:32

Ugh, what kind of a marriage is it if you're only in it because his parents bought you a nice house? Effectively they've bought you. Do they actually know he's such a minus quantity, or is part of the bargain that you smile and make happy families in front of them?

I've said it before and I've said it again: if you make your bed all lumpy, only a damned fool lies in it instead of getting up and re-making it. Even more so if you made your bed then some useless arse came along and rumpled it all up.

Sorry that sounds a bit snippy - I know it does - I'm hot and cross this evening. But it makes me kind of mad to see someone decent and caring p... er, allowing themselves to be subjugated in exchange for an affluent lifestyle. There's a hell of a lot more to life than ponies.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/07/2013 18:33

or what missbopeep said in a fraction of the verbiage :)

missbopeep · 22/07/2013 18:33

What is his own family like? What kind of role model was his father- and did his mother spoil him rotten?

missbopeep · 22/07/2013 18:34

or as you said Annie.

missbopeep · 22/07/2013 18:39

Oh, and OP if when I was a big grown up, and found out that my mummy had only stayed with daddy so we could have ponies, land, an au pair and all sorts of nice things but then left him as soon as I was a big grown up, I'd feel my childhood was based on a falsehood- and you know what- I might even hate my mummy for putting my pony before her own ( and my) happiness.

And I'd have had a very bad role model in a father to help me choose a good man and possibly father of my own children.

JourneyThroughLife · 22/07/2013 18:41

Sorry....I gave up believing in the "you've made your bed, you have to lie on it" mantra long ago, it was fed to me by my mother. If you don't like the bed you've made, go make another one, a different one instead.
You don't have to put up with shit and neither do your children, you have choices....

missbopeep · 22/07/2013 18:45

Any chance the OP likes the lifestyle she has and simply can't be arsed to handle all the changes that would ensue?

Op your youngest child is 4- do you intend to put up and shut up for another 14 years at least? Or make that 17 years because who needs their parents divorcing just as they start uni etc.

You need to sort out your priorities- ponies or being true to yourself.

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