Sick of my lazy arse husband

[Imabadmum]

Been married for 7 years, together 8, 4 dc between us (2 togther, had one each when we met) ranging in age 15 - 4.

When i stopped work to have the two youngest, he would go out to work between 11am and 3pm typically (supposed to be 9-5), sometimes less. He is a sales rep, so is flexible but plays it to the limit. Has got caught and fired several times. I eventually figured if our dc were to have any kind of childhood (holidays, nice clothes, the things all their friends have) I needed to go back to work ft and be the main breadwinner because he is hopeless. Been back at work 2.5 years now, earning well and under a fair amount of pressure. When i initially went back to work i figured, as for years he had worked 11-3 he could do school runs, and prepare an evening meal. He failed spectacularly, i would arrive home and find tortillas with cucumber and grated cheese for tea for 6 people, or something so awfully burnt as to be inedible and i would then have to cook something for the dc.

he is twatting about in the garage now with a drill, doing god knows what while i am working from home. I get up at 6-6.30am every day and work until 6pm, he gets up about 7.30 and spends the first 2 hours smoking and having coffee. I pay for an au pair to help me with the children now. whenever i do ask him to do something he makes the least possible effort, and does just the bare minimum. I cant complain he hasnt done it, but i usually have to do it all again as he has done a crap job (like getting the washing in, won't fold, just screws it up neatly, you know what i mean).

I would leave him if it werent for the dc, but i dont want to break up the family. Leaving him might make me happy, but would ruin everyone else's life so would be utterly selfish. and if the dc werent happy, i wouldnt be either.

if i try to bring this up with him he gets very angry, slams doors and storms off in a wheel spinning cloud of exhaust fumes.

he just doesnt seem to have any kind of work ethic and expects a free ride through life, off me and off his parents.

thanks for reading, moan over. If anyone has anything constructive to say please do, but quite frankly i just want to punch him in the face right now.

[wordyBird]

Another potential problem of sticking with a selfish partner for the sake of the children, is that he might not do the same.

You could find yourself bravely battling on X years/months hence, to find he has suddenly left you holding the babies in any case. Self-centred and irresponsible people tend to remain essentially self seeking, after all.

So if there doesn't seem much will for change from him, an alternative plan might still be worth considering, if only as a vague contingency.

[Fairenuff]

I think many (if not most) mums make sacrifices for their children and this is mine

It's not just your sacrifice OP, it's theirs as well. These children have to live with this behaviour as their model. Every day they are learning from their parents how to behave in a grown up world.

One day your dd will be sacrificing just like you are. Lovely legacy

Why did you post anyway?

[alwaysinamuckingfuddle]

Another 50 odd years of that? Rather you than me, OP! Some of us obviously have a bit more self respect.

[Twinklestein]

We had a pony when I was a kid & I never found it very interesting...

I'd have swapped it in a heartbeat for family meals that were not excruciating.

If you have girls, you are teaching them that this is what men are like, this is how relationships are: far, far more potentially damaging life lessons than no pony.

[Dahlen]

If you are married, you are aware that you will be entitled to half the proceeds of the sale of the marital home? If you would be primary carer you would probably be entitled to stay in it until the eldest child is 18 or completes full-time education. As your H is a lazy arse and you've had to employ an au-pair, you probably would have no difficulty proving that you are primary carer, especially as I'm pretty positive it will be you who takes them to the Dr, attends parents evening, signs consent forms, does the drop off and pick ups, etc.

I understand your reluctance to upset the apple cart and fearing a drop in your standard of living, but as you are the primary earner and you and your H are married, the only thing you stand to lose if you divorce is your H. You can maintain a similar but downgraded lifestyle even if you move home.

Is a little bit of extra land really worth a happy home?

[Imabadmum]

I am surpised how many people out there view divorce as the best choice, the first choice. Not working it out, discuss it, marriage guidance. Just rip up the marriage cert and move out, be a single parent with the kids having to split their time between us. I have done that once with my dd and it hasnt been easy on her. I cant uproot her again, nor can i drag the two youngest away from their dad.

Someone said he doesn't give a flying fuck about his children. I never said that. He adores them and it would destroy him if i took them away. He is a lousy provider, he has been spoilt by his parents and I've lost respect for him. I was just having a moan.

[Imabadmum]

Oh. And the 'marital home' is owned by his parents so i would walk away with the clothes on my back despite the £thousands i have invested in it to mention blood sweat and tears building and decorating. I didnt know that until some considerable time after we were married.

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

He "adores" them BUT he won't do anything for them if it involves him making any effort? He wont fucking feed his own children properly?!!!

Please don't just put this in the "I'm just ranting" box - really analyse what this is telling them. If you lived alone with them & he had reasonable access you wouldn't have to compensate for his shortcomings - you could have a good happy life & they would feel far more valued - & so would you. You wouldn't constantly be covering up for him - think how much happier you ALL would be...

[Dahlen]

Would his parents chuck you and your DC out of the home if you split up with their son? Because if they would then nothing your DC have is safe and guaranteed even if you stay.

Sometimes staying together for the DC can work. I wouldn't advise anyone to split up a family lightly. If you've simply fallen out of love but respect each other, co-parent effectively and don't want the freedom to meet someone else, staying together is certainly an option.

You're seriously delusional if you think that's what's going on here though. Don't compound one mistake (your first marriage breakdown) by making another (sticking with a second highly dysfunctional one.

You adore your children. So much so that you gave up the opportunity to be a SAHM to make sure they were well provided for. So much so that paid for an au pair when it was clear their father wasn't looking after them adequately. So much so that you are prepared to subjugate your own happiness to misguidedly keep a 'stable' home for them. HE doesn't adore them in the way a father should love his children. He loves them in the same way a spoiled child loves a puppy.

You can't work this out. You've already tried it all. You may as well not have bothered. It takes two to make a marriage work. No matter how committed you are, if he doesn't 'get it', it won't work. He doesn't and won't. Why would he? There are no consequences if he doesn't - apart from children who grow up having some very dysfunctional ideas about equality and healthy relationships. But that's ok because they've got a pony.

[Twinklestein]

I would always suggest trying to work things out if there seemed the remotest possibility that it might have an effect.

But I don't believe that discussing it or marriage guidance is going to make any difference. He's not going to change.

If you believed he could, you wouldn't be here.

[Snorbs]

Why would he even want to change? Right now he gets to laze around and do fuck-all. Everything is someone else's responsibility. Someone else bought his home, someone else pays for its upkeep, someone else looks after his kids. If he does get cornered into doing something he deliberately fucks it up so it makes it more trouble than it's worth. And he knows that (I'm not going to call you Imabadmum. How about Marriedtoashittydad?) isn't going to leave over it.

What possible motivation does he have to change? He's got it made. OP, can I come and live at your house and have no responsibilities too?

[Imabadmum]

Food for thougt people, i will reflect on all you have said.

I dont know if his parents would chuck us out, but i cant see how i / we could possibly stay. I cant see him moving out?

I know having a pony is no substitute for happy parents and a happy family. But we are not at each others throats all the time, i just get frustrated with his swanning about and not really contributing. I think the kids think we are happy. I think he thinks i am happy. Actully i am not sure anybody has really noticed that i am screaming.

[Dahlen]

That's a judgement call. But I'd ask the DC for their opinion (I accept you may not get much from the 4 year old ). Some people can hide it well; others can't. There have always been loads of posts on here from women who grew up knowing that their parents were miserable despite their parents' apparently sincere belief that they were doing a good job of hiding it.

[Hegsy]

From the child of divorce at the grand old age of 25 I wish they'd done it sooner instead of it getting to the point my 'father' became such an arsehole I no longer have anything to do with him. I do believe his attitude has come from years of not being happy and resenting my mum.

My mum is now happier than I have ever seen her remarried, settled financially most importantly is she is happy! By all means op try and improve things, talk to him, counselling maybe write him a letter explaining how you fell. But please don't put up with this either way. Life is to short!

[CSIJanner]

"I daydream that when the dc have flown the nest i will probably follow."

This last sentence has made me v sad for you OP. It's a shit situation as you're looking out for your children but at the same time, you have to forfeit your own happiness and sense of complete fulfilment (as in happy marriage with mutual respect). A friends DM is in this same situation. Desperately unhappy with DH but kept it together for her DC. When DFriend and siblings left the nest, she was left trapped as she had no savings in her name, no pension etc. so she plods along and makes do.

Would counselling help? Are his parents enablers? Maybe a counselling session will help him to see that his children need him as a role model, not just as a dad who adores them.

[missbopeep]

If no one notices you are unhappy, is that their fault or yours?

Is it best to moan on a forum- or to the people in your life?

Is it sensible to have a marriage where the house is owned by in laws which effectively leaves you with nothing?

You have allowed this man to behave like this without taking any action so far.

You've compensated for him by employing 'staff'.

What's stopping you talking to him?

[misskatamari]

Have you spoken to your husband at all about how you feel? You don't sound like you want to leave the marriage but living unhappily for the sake of the children is not a good option. How do you and DH get on? Do you have fun? Are you good friends? Can you talk to each other openly? These are all things needed for a strong relationship. You should be able to tell him how you feel and what you need from him and know that he cares enough to listen and support you.

[Imabadmum]

Ive tried talking, telling, moaning, asking, showing. Ive been patient, angry, indignant, and now im just resigned. He wont change, he cant. Ive even had counselling from the doctors.

No it isnt sensible to have a house owned by the inlaws, apart from anything the inheritance tax will probably kill it. Ive tried talking to him and to his parents. Ive suggested getting accountants and lawyers involved to best plan for the future but they all seem to have their heads buried in the sand. I think his parents know what he is like and dont want to hand any property over until they are dead and buried - they dont want to be about to see him squander their hard earned wealth. When i met him i didnt know but he was facing bankruptcy. Found out just before the wedding. What could i do, say "oh, you are skint? Weddings off then" so i stood by him, rejigged the wedding to be uber cheap, and helped him pay back all his debts and organise his finances. Still have to keep a careful eye on his finances but its like having a wayward teenager who just wont grow up.

Its exhausting and im tired of it now.

[Fairenuff]

You are right about one thing. He won't change.

It's horrible for children living like this. I used to want my parents to divorce. I just couldn't stand the atmosphere. They thought they kept a lot of it hidden. They didn't.

I even asked my dad once why he didn't just leave. He said my youngest sibling was too young. And I actually asked my mum to leave but she didn't.

Please don't think you are doing this for your children. Do it for yourself, by all means. If you think staying with him is best for you. But don't do it for the children. That's an awful burden for them to bear.

[missbopeep]

A couple of things for you to ponder

1.You cannot change anyone- only yourself and your own behaviour. By doing that the other person will change- for every action ( yours) there is a reaction ( theirs).

1. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is a sign of madness (Einstein.)
   

Talking, moaning, nagging has not worked before so it won't now.
The only thing that will work is some constructive action.

Maybe you need to discuss separation because your spoilt and idle DH doesn't seem to give a toss about you. Something is not registering with him about how you feel, so it's time to stop talking and do something.

[CSIJanner]

If the IL's are worried about his squandering the house wealth and you're worried about inheritance tax, maybe you could suggest they sign the house over in trust to the grandchildren, with an independent guardian as trustee until they reach age?

[wordyBird]

The family home sounds quite a sticking point, understandably.

Might you consider legal advice for yourself, to look at possible scenarios if you did separate? Or even if you didn't, ask anyway. Complicated housing situations can give you a horrible sense of unease, if you don't know exactly where you stand.

Having the facts clear in your mind might help you.

[kickassangel]

Get some legal advice, and start building up a 'running away' fund.

It's amazing how some facts and an escape route can make you see for sure whether you really want to stay or go.

[FairPhyllis]

I think it would be awful if you let finances and the situation with the house keep you in this position. If you seriously think you might split up after the children leave home, then really you need to leave now, because if you wait another 10 years or so you could be in an even worse financial position and trapped even more.

What is the deal with the house? Do you pay rent for it? If you weren't paying rent or mortgage in all this time have you managed to build up any assets? Are you certain he hasn't built up any more debt?

[missbopeep]

OP
It's a very odd set up with his parents. don't you think?
Although you say they don't trust him with money etc, they have in fact enabled him to live like a child, and forgo being responsible for his own family.

Their generosity has in fact been a huge part of the current problem. And they aren't being kind to him- they have spoiled him .

I've friends whose parents have loaned them money or bought them houses, but the deal was they were paid back as if it were a mortgage agreement, but at a lower rate of interest.

OR it was an early inheritance, and the houses were given to them, with no strings attached.

Your in laws are effectively acting as landlords and their son is still living like a child- with them and you supporting his fecklessness.

You could indeed have called off your wedding- or at least postponed it. people have done so for less!

But you started off on the wrong foot- baling him out. And that set the pattern.

If you are successful in your work- you say you work from home and can afford an au pair- then you presumably earn enough to support yourself especially if he pays maintenance if you split.

You need to get some legal advice because as things stand you'd walk away with nothing I assume, unless his parents made the house his ( and yours) and the assets were split equally.

But you might think about an escape route such as leaving with the children into rented property.