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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to do

37 replies

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 10:15

Last night dh gave me his phone so I could read something, curiosity got the better of me and when I finished reading I looked at his internet history.
I was ok, or so I thought at him using moderate porn for masturbation purposes but when I looked over the past week he'd looked at hundreds of videos then I looked at last month and there were pages and pages and even animal porn, women and dogs which sickened me.
I feel like I've encouraged this by being ok with him using porn. I didn't realise how much he was using it though or what he watches.
I'm shaking and my hearts beating so fast
Last night ds2 was really poorly, temperature then vomited severely all over his cot then our bed, I took him downstairs while dh sorted out clean bed clothes etc then I checked his phone again this morning and he'd been on several sites then while we were downstairs.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 10:29

Bump

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 10:31

I think you have to talk to him. If he is squeezing in masturbation sessions in the time it takes to settle a poorly child, he's got a problem.

Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 10:41

It's not right is it?
When ds was so ill last night that was the last thing on my mind

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 10:44

No, it sounds perverse. I think what you need to get across is that, whilst you're OK with occasional porn use/titillation/masturbation/whatever, he's taking it way too far and it's gone beyond 'normal'.

Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 10:48

We've been together a long time and he acts like the perfect husband
We have regular sex and he said he still finds me very attractive, so I don't understand the need for that much porn use

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Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 10:49

I will speak to him later when dc are in bed

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Boosterseat · 22/07/2013 11:10

Cogito has it spot on, looking at porn while you are downstairs dealing with a sick child is not normal.

It sounds like addiction to me, this isn't a quick tug when the Mrs is exhausted this is stealing (inappropriate)moments to "escape" into his seedy little world.

Hope your chat goes well, expect him to minimise his use and if you get chance to take screenshots of his history please do so.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 11:30

BTW... it's nothing to do with how attractive you are or how healthy your sex-life is. Your problem is not that he's not interested in you (yet), it's the inappropriate timing, the opportunism and the sick nature of the stuff he's actually looking at.

Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 11:35

I know he'd been 'up for it' all day, he'd been dropping hints. Then I went to work and he was sending me explicit texts.
When I got home and went to bed thats when ds woke up ill.
He was gutted he didn't get any
I wasn't at all bothered, more worried about ds
He really has got a problem looking at his history!
I know he will be open and honest
I am worried about where we go from here and what help he can get
Thankyou both for your advice

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 11:40

Maybe it's as simple as him agreeing to switch his phone off after a certain time and placing it out of reach. Reducing access...

Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 11:43

Again judging by his phone history, he has been looking at porn every two seconds he gets spare so his phone would be off permanently.
I would find once or twice a week acceptable

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 11:50

So that's the gist of the conversation.... Phone permanently off when at home. No more sick sites. Find other inspiration for masturbation.

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2013 12:45

Is he looking at it at work?

Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 13:33

His phone is in his locker at work
So all his viewing must be at home

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Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 14:15

So he can go without it during the day, it shouldn't be a problem for him to give it up in the evenings.

gateauauxfruits · 22/07/2013 20:20

Women and dogs is go-straight-to-jail stuff I think - automatically classed with the worst child abuse. You should worry about that.

Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 20:23

Dc are in bed now. I looked at his phone again and he has looked at more since he's been home
Will be having a chat shortly

I'm worried now he will start to become very secretive and start deleting his history
Especially if he knows I've been looking

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Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 20:31

Really? So rather than take on board what you say, he would disregard you and continue? Do you want to be with someone like that?

Boosterseat · 22/07/2013 20:32

Then you have bigger issues than porn.

IMO, I couldn't look DH in the eye if he ever got his rocks off watching women and animals being abused, it would be a major red flag for me.

Don't tell him everything you know, find out if he is honest enough to be truthful about his usage and material I.e "I have concerns you are watching a lot of porn and I would like to talk about it, how often is this occurring? What are you watching?" Gauge his reactions and don't expect full disclosure, if he lies tell him you know that is not true and is there anything else he needs to tell you?

Good luck OP.

Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 20:41

Ds won't settle so won't be chatting just yet
I've just looked up animal porn and it is illegal

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Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 20:44

I feel sick
I would never have imagined he's someone that would watch something as sick as that
It wasn't just one clicked on by mistake either, there were about 10 or so

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Original poster

NoOneToTurnTo · 22/07/2013 20:46

Most of what he's watching though are female masturbation, and mostly spying on or secretly filmed ones
Also sick imo

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Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 21:42

I've just looked up animal porn and it is illegal

Of course it's illegal, it's abusive!

FYI if something is illegal to do in real life, it is also illegal to portray it in porn. Just in case you didn't know.

FriedSprout · 23/07/2013 09:30

This is not not porn that you could perhaps put limits on and accept on an occasional basis. This is way beyond the pale op!

He is looking at stuff that would freak most people out, and the very thought that that is what he needs to think of when having sex with his wife is sickening.

Heaven forbid if he decides he wants to (or has already), played out his fantasies for real!

Fairenuff · 23/07/2013 12:16

How did the chat go?

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