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Original poster

Could this mean anything other than what I think?

38 replies

singaporefling · 21/07/2013 23:30

First post : have read a few 'similar' but am shocked/confused... All very cliched, but just borrowed longterm dp's tablet and saw he'd been on 'ukranian dating and brides' - couldn't tell if he was an actual member or not. He's been 'near perfect' for many years, we don't live together but have a very positive/supportive/attentive relationship and NEVER ever any reason for me to suspect anything bad - ever. Told him i felt sick and i've driven 20 minutes home, ostensibly to get medication. Am choking with hurt at this but can see nothing good here... Any advice ladies?

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wileycoyote · 21/07/2013 23:57

Just curiosity on his part?

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 21/07/2013 23:58

To be honest I'm not sure I know what you think? You think he's wanting to be unfaithful with one of these women?

Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 00:03

Sorry, my insides are all twisted...i suppose it DOES seem 'obvious' to me that he's making plans. He was/is very experienced/a player/very good looking and i've always felt loved/cherished but unequal as such and pathetically can easily imagine him with some bloody stunner AND am due to go away for 3 weeks in a couple of weeks time. Adding two and two and finding ANY fabulous conclusions sadly lacking!

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dontyouwantmebaby · 22/07/2013 00:05

even if it was just 'curiosity on his part', I'd be bloody furious if it was my longterm DP. similarly I'd expect them to be upset if the situation were reversed.

sorry to hear this has happened OP, I'd be choking with hurt (and anger) too.

To be fair, I'm sure I'd be as upset if this happened with a short term DP that I really liked but I think as your DP is longterm, there's no excuse for having this kind of thing on your laptop really, is there? Would he be searching for those sites 'out of curiosity' whilst you were with him? Something tells me no, he wouldn't. So no - I can see nothing good from this either.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 22/07/2013 00:05

But it's generally old and unattractive men who have to buy foreign brides. It sounds far more like idle curiosity and actual plans.

Clearlymisunderstood · 22/07/2013 00:07

When you Say you could tell he'd been on it, is it possible he just clicked an ad and the page popped up or had he been browsing through the site? It's not really what you'd look at if you wanted to have an affair is it?

dontyouwantmebaby · 22/07/2013 00:07

PS just read your latest post, don't ever feel unequal. They are with you because they want to be. If they make you feel that they'd be off with some 'stunner' the minute you turned your back/or make you feel so inadequate that you think they will be, then they're not the right person for YOU.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 22/07/2013 00:10

I can't believe that would be a genuine adulterers first point of call though.

KareninsGirl · 22/07/2013 00:10

Could just have been from a pop-up. Does he watch porn? Those sites often have pop-ups like that and they can appear in search history as a result. He could have also clicked on it accidentally. Does history show him visiting profiles on the site or just the homepage?

Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 00:17

The website was in the bar at the top of the screen, so i THINK that means he must have been on it?? This sounds corny, but he's always made me feel like a godess/stunner/attractive etc (i know he's being 'kind' and over- generous) and i'm not 'crippled' with insecurities but they're there. I guess you might look at that site if you had 3 weeks alone coming up and could get away with a 'date' or three?? I've always been 'intimidated' by his level of attractiveness - i know these things shouldn't matter, but he's 'known' for being lovely and gorgeous and a PAST womaniser but that was over a decade ago. And i KNOW im not 'adventurous' as such or very very confident but we HAVE been together for years and very very happy... Ermmm what do i say to him?! I actually have no idea - he's obviously going to make excuses - gawd i feel useless!

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Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 00:18

Don't know if he watches porn 'we' never have... I think you HAVE to click on a site for it to appear/stay in the bar at the top..it was next to all other sites for work etc

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Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 00:19

Maybe not a first port of call...but if you had 3 weeks alone coming up?

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KareninsGirl · 22/07/2013 00:20

Only you know him best. Has he ever given you reason to worry before? Is he generally open with his phone/FB/emails etc? What is your gut telling you?

All I know is those pop ups can apiece in the search history, and I'd be inclined to see if he'd visited any other pages on the site.

Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 00:26

Never ever any reason whatsoever to make me worry.. Is generally open with stuff (i think!). Cant really get to his ipad to look thru everything though. My knotted guts are telling me the worst but i don't want to say anything to him yet, obviously planning to torture myself first!

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Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 00:27

Thank you all for responding.... I guess i'll see what tomorrow brings...

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Conina · 22/07/2013 00:41

What?

If my dp had this in his browsing history I wouldn't be worried about coming back from a trip away to find he had ordered a wife from t'interweb - I would simply think he had been curious - from a tv show (I'm sure I've seen shows about this on sky 1 / 2 / 3 and the 55x sky documentary channels) from a friends FB post, a radio show, something about trafficked women in the news. It seems to say much more about your view of the relationship and of yourself and how you see your dp.

You say to him "I was on the pc and saw you had been looking up mail order brides. What's that all about eh?"

I can see you're really upset but I'm not sure why you're bouncing off the walls unhappy. I would simply have asked him and the fact that you're so upset, rushed away distressed without discussing it surely is more of an issue?

This sounds so unhealthy - the way you talk about you and him. I think there are really big problems here - such as you not trusting him and not being able to talk to him easily - are flapping more red flags for me than him searching about mail order brides... There must be easier ways to cheat for a start.

MonsieurReynard · 22/07/2013 00:51

Don't know exactly how tablets work, but these 'Russian dating' pop-ups seem to be all over the internet just now (gaming, torrent, and hobby sites, nothing dodgy!) and often they're difficult to get rid of without clicking on a hidden link (disguised as the 'X' that should close the window, if you see what I mean?) and inadvertently opening it, so it would appear in your 'visited sites' list. Have also had dating/sex pop-ups that looked/sounded like incoming Skype calls - easy to click on them automatically before realizing what they are! No idea if that's what's happened in your case, but thought it might be useful to know - hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 01:19

Hi conina...i just didnt feel like confronting him, not without rationalising/thinking first. We usually talk about allsorts/everything - which is why im so shocked by this. He's never appeared to be interested/curious in anything like this. He IS easy to talk to but i just couldnt bring myself to say anything without 'composing' myself and gathering my thoughts. I just knew i was better alone tonight

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Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 01:19

Thanks monsieur reynard - that DOES make some sense...

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EBearhug · 22/07/2013 02:20

I'm with M Reynard. Some sites do open new windows. I don't tend to get it on my laptop, as I have ad-blockers, but I do on my phone (must check if there's an ad-blocking app) - I get confused by it, as I'm suddenly on a totally different page from what I expected.

kickassangel · 22/07/2013 02:26

Talk to him.

Some of these sites are really hard to avoid, some guys are twats who wold do anything for a shag. Only by talking to him will you have any real idea.

ITCouldBeWorse · 22/07/2013 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Conina · 22/07/2013 08:48

Ok, sorry Sing making sure you don't jump in and go bonkers is always a good idea. I hope you ask him and get a sensible answer.

I mentioned tv shows as I'm absolutely sure I saw one about this fairly recently where prospective grooms had to pay a huge upfront fee and the introductions were all arranged by an agency - without going and searching for this myself, I suspect it would be very expensive to get involved in. Plenty of Fish would've been FAR more worrying from the random date POV...

Hope you just got the wrong end of the stick.

Helltotheno · 22/07/2013 09:46

It's more worrying that you need so much validation and feel so insecure and that you effectively need him to make you feel more secure, yet are intimidated by the fact that he scores higher than you on some imaginary looks scale. None of that is good.

Original poster
singaporefling · 22/07/2013 17:30

Helltotheno... I know i know..my insecurities are many and legion... Been 'bitten' before and had a few bad experiences that have sorely damaged my confidence... Not HIS fault, they're MY hangups...

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