Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lying Dh. How do I deal with him this time?

73 replies

endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 16:14

Just caught "d"h out in a lie. He has history for telling unnecessary lies, and it's something we'd been working through.

He told some pretty bad lies just after we got married, all related to meeting female friends/co-workers, he lied and said he was meeting male friends. No evidence that he cheated but it's horrible enough to be lied to really. He tried to excuse himself by saying I would have worried which I don't think is good enough. I'd never been paranoid/arsey about things like that.

He has been truthful as far as I can tell for a couple of years, but today I noticed on fb (bloody hate that thing!) that he had lots of new female friends. Didn't see in detail. One of the things he'd promised to stop was adding every woman that he walks past to fb. So I jokingly asked if he's being popular with the ladies again, expecting him to say of course not. He said he'd only added people he works with now ("now" being pretty important, he told me as they met at work almost every day and they were friends with his work friends on fb, it would be rude not to. He said everyone at work is a team and he likes to be part of that team by being friends on fb too. This info will be important later!) , some who were on his team and some who worked opposite shifts but who he occasionally met and handovers.

After he went out I had a look (not on his fb page, but just the recent activity bit that anyone can see) and he'd added 10 people, 8 of them women. Ah well, a small lie, I thought. Looking closer I noticed none of them were people he worked with, so that was a lie. Hmm All, as far as I can see, are friends of a girl he used to work with or random unconnected girls. They are all young (uni/graduate age) and live at the other end of the country. He's in his 30s.

I sent him a text saying the above in a calm, level headed way. He won't have seen it yet, and I have no idea what to do next. I know he hasn't met any of them (unless he's been telling enormous lies and travelling a lot) but I don't know why he had to lie and why he wants to be friends with young girls who are just friends of a girl he used to work with. It just seems pointless and a bit sleazy.

I know he has the freedom to be friends with anyone he likes, but why suddenly these girls, who he won't have talked to for over 2 years and didn't really know? I'm probably being too "strict" but my heart is a mess after his lies before, and now I know, although it was a relatively small lie, that he doesn't care about my feelings (as he'd agreed to stop, knowing how much his lies had hurt me) and that he could still lie to my face knowing how that has wrecked our relationship in the past.

I know this sounds really petty and I'll probably get flamed for not "letting" him have friends. I've never banned him from that, it was his solution. I want him to have friends, but I also need to trust him. But, he's lied again..

OP posts:
Original poster
endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 16:14

Sorry, he also originally said he'd added 2 or 3 women over the last few months.. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 16:17

And another - I really don't have a problem with him adding people he works with and friends (male and female both), and he goes out a lot, the above sounds like I keep him chained in the attic Grin I really don't! I just asked him to be open about who he is seeing (not in great detail!) so we didn't repeat the same problems again.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/07/2013 16:22

Neither of us have Facebook, but if we did I would find this odd behaviour, mainly because of the age/stage of life differences involved.

Not sure what else to say that'd be helpful.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 16:43

I'm sorry but you''re on a hiding to nothing with a liar. When you can't trust someone everything they do, no matter how innocuous, turns into a major source of stress and anxiety. Doesn't matter why they lie or what they're lying about, it's immature, disrespectful, corrosive and it'll destroy your relationship.

Walkacrossthesand · 21/07/2013 16:47

FB 'friends ' aren't real friends are they, so you're not stopping him having real friends. I can understand a person FB friending a work colleague or someone they've met IRL - but all this adding 'friends' who are 'friends of friends' , live far away, and have no meaningful connection with him, is simply juvenile. It's perfectly reasonable to ask him what on earth is the point - especially as he's been economical with the truth about it, so clearly isn't comfortable with you knowing all about it.

RandomMess · 21/07/2013 16:48

This sounds familiar!!

It is very odd behaviour indeed.

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2013 16:51

Are you married to him and do you have children together?

I really hate liars. I think they have no idea of how much damage they do to a relationship. You literally can't believe anything they say.

I couldn't live like that and I think you deserve better. I also think that in the past when he said he was going out with male friends but was seeing women instead, that he was going on dates. I'm really sorry, but that's exactly what it looks like from here.

Twinklestein · 21/07/2013 16:51

I'm not sure why you're hanging in there. If he's a liar he's a liar. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, if you don't have that then you don't really have anything.

RoseFlowerFairy · 21/07/2013 16:56

Has he form for cheating? How did you and he get together? Are you sure there was a gap between his last relationship and your relationship starting?

ShoutyCrackers · 21/07/2013 16:56

I don't think the issue here is his 'lying' tbh. That's almost by the by.

I think the issue is he is behaving like a single man and is interested in other women - or at least the ego boost of having young women that he doesn't know in his Fb friends list. If he is flirting/ adding women/ looking to cheat, then the lying has to become necessary in order to try and hide these activities.

I'd ask him exactly why he needed to have friends on FB that he didn't actually know - and take it from there.

Do you have any other concerns about him? Is he a habitual liar about everything or just where women are concerned? If the latter, then he's a cheater more than a liar

ShoutyCrackers · 21/07/2013 16:57

I've actually worded that badly. I know what I'm trying to say!

Original poster
endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 16:59

Imperial, married 5 years, 2 young dcs. Completely agree with everything you say about liars. Feel like such a mug. He knows exactly how i feel about it too. I've given up beating myself up about it. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Not sure those meetings were dates, he swears he doesn't see any difference between m en and women so he didn't do anything wrong- of course the fact he had to lie was blamed on me too..

He will say this is all so petty, i'm a control freak, over reacting. How do i handle this??

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/07/2013 16:59

No, I know what you're saying. He is desperate to know young women. He's so desperate to have their company that he lies and lies. He knows his intentions aren't honourable, so he lies to the OP about where he is and what he's doing.

Original poster
endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 17:05

Rose, yes, very sure.

Shouty.. You make sense to me! Smile he always keaves his phone, email, fb open, i had a quick peek earlier but nothing suspicious. He was v shy at school didn't really talk to girls until uni so maybe he ges carried away by (even innocent?) attention?

Never known him to lie about anything other than this knd of thing. Sad Heart hurts.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 17:05

It's not petty and it's not control freakery to expect a grown man to have the common decency to tell the truth. This isn't a one-off if you say he's got a history of the behaviour. Overlook the little lies and allow the liar to keep making excuses, nothing improves and you spend your life twitching every time they get a text, hacking their FB account, and generally stressed out and suspicious.

If he accuses you of overreacting your response is that this isn't about your reaction, it's about his secrecy, deception & lack of respect. One more strike and I suggest you tell him he's out..... serious as that.

ShoutyCrackers · 21/07/2013 17:06

Yep- that's it imperial!

So- I'd concentrate more on WHY he is looking to connect with other women and less on the ' why is he lying ?' Stuff.

Original poster
endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 17:07

I'm fairly confident that in the last couple of years he hasn't lied about meeting anyone.

I was starting to ket my guard down Sad

He's just got home now, don't know if he's seen my text yet..

OP posts:
HenWithAttitude · 21/07/2013 17:08

Lying is a complete deal breaker for me. I would never be able to trust again if DP lied to me. Once trust has gone then you have a shell of a relationship

Original poster
endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 17:11

Rose, sorry missed that bit. No form for cheating that i know of.

OP posts:
Diagonally · 21/07/2013 17:11

But they're not friends, are they? They're random women.

I know someone who used to do this. He used it as a way to initiate sex chats with randoms. He used to do it in his lunch hour at work.

The more you add the more chance of finding someone willing to chat, send pics etc.

Original poster
endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 17:39

He's calling me crazy sayong its nothing suspicious and he shouldnt feel bad about anything,

oh and now he's completely ignoring me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 17:50

How dare he tell you how to feel? So he's not taking you seriously, calls you crazy, sees no need to apologise, does't get that he's behaved in an untrustworthy way, so now he's a liar that also sulks.... great catch you've got there OP. Hmm How many did you throw back before you settled on this gem?

Original poster
endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 17:52

He's just telling me there's nothing wrong with what he did, i'm too crazy, he doesn't want to cheat he jyst eants to stay in touch with people. He thinks this is perfectly respectable behaviour for a.married man. I set out my points clearly and calmly, he's just insulting me. I feel stupid, crazy and stupid. He has all tjese perfectly rational explanations and i' m just sobbingat him sayong i feel hurt. He must think i'm a lunatic. Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 17:57

Not a lunatic ... but he thinks if he keeps stonewalling you, providing thin excuses and turning the blame on you, you'll back down, give up and he can carry on as normal. Yes, it's insulting... your intelligence aside from anything else. He lies so much, he's starting to believe them himself Hmm

Meringue33 · 21/07/2013 17:58

You are not a lunatic. He is a sleazy married man who adds young girls so he can browse through their holiday pics and fantasise.

I'm really sorry :(