Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Lying Dh. How do I deal with him this time?

73 replies

endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 16:14

Just caught "d"h out in a lie. He has history for telling unnecessary lies, and it's something we'd been working through.

He told some pretty bad lies just after we got married, all related to meeting female friends/co-workers, he lied and said he was meeting male friends. No evidence that he cheated but it's horrible enough to be lied to really. He tried to excuse himself by saying I would have worried which I don't think is good enough. I'd never been paranoid/arsey about things like that.

He has been truthful as far as I can tell for a couple of years, but today I noticed on fb (bloody hate that thing!) that he had lots of new female friends. Didn't see in detail. One of the things he'd promised to stop was adding every woman that he walks past to fb. So I jokingly asked if he's being popular with the ladies again, expecting him to say of course not. He said he'd only added people he works with now ("now" being pretty important, he told me as they met at work almost every day and they were friends with his work friends on fb, it would be rude not to. He said everyone at work is a team and he likes to be part of that team by being friends on fb too. This info will be important later!) , some who were on his team and some who worked opposite shifts but who he occasionally met and handovers.

After he went out I had a look (not on his fb page, but just the recent activity bit that anyone can see) and he'd added 10 people, 8 of them women. Ah well, a small lie, I thought. Looking closer I noticed none of them were people he worked with, so that was a lie. All, as far as I can see, are friends of a girl he used to work with or random unconnected girls. They are all young (uni/graduate age) and live at the other end of the country. He's in his 30s.

I sent him a text saying the above in a calm, level headed way. He won't have seen it yet, and I have no idea what to do next. I know he hasn't met any of them (unless he's been telling enormous lies and travelling a lot) but I don't know why he had to lie and why he wants to be friends with young girls who are just friends of a girl he used to work with. It just seems pointless and a bit sleazy.

I know he has the freedom to be friends with anyone he likes, but why suddenly these girls, who he won't have talked to for over 2 years and didn't really know? I'm probably being too "strict" but my heart is a mess after his lies before, and now I know, although it was a relatively small lie, that he doesn't care about my feelings (as he'd agreed to stop, knowing how much his lies had hurt me) and that he could still lie to my face knowing how that has wrecked our relationship in the past.

I know this sounds really petty and I'll probably get flamed for not "letting" him have friends. I've never banned him from that, it was his solution. I want him to have friends, but I also need to trust him. But, he's lied again..

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 21/07/2013 20:06

You're not asking him to stop adding genuine female friends on fb, you're asking him to stop lying!

I don't think he's 'heard' you.

firesidechat · 21/07/2013 20:09

"OK, I'll try to stop adding female friends on fb. But I never tried to deceive you, just said something off the top of my head without thinking when you asked me. Sorry for being stupid. Love you."

I don't understand that at all. Surely when you are asked a question the first answer that comes to mind would be the truth. Much more effort to make up a lie?

I gather from some of your posts that you are having this discussion via text. It might be a better idea to talk face to face. This all seems far too important for text messages.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 20:12

The thing he has to get to grips with is that he can't afford to resort to stupid knee-jerk lies and secrecy if there is to be any future in the relationship. Every time he does something like this his stock goes down another notch, you lose respect for him and you feel compelled to dig around because you don't trust him. That's no way to live. I think that's what you tell him because a quick 'sorry' doesn't sound like he actually gets it.

Original poster

endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 20:27

fireside unfortunately he can't cope face to face, angry shouting or blanking me, sneering, insulting etc etc. It's pretty horrible. Text is better, even though i agree with you!

Cog will try that. have so far replied with

Can you understand that a married man in his 30s adding a group of young girls on his fb seems sleazy? Can you please have some respect for our marriage and my feelings? It hurt SO much to see that.

OP posts:

Original poster

endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 20:29

Doubt he'll understand though. He seems to think his behaviour is impeccable!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 21/07/2013 20:37

I think you need to explain to him (and you can't do this by text) the effect of lies on the relationship & your respect for him.

He doesn't seem to get it at all...

He's undermining himself & it's self destructive.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 21:10

Another suggestion that you talk face to face rather than this ping-pong texting.... You have to be careful not to make this about respect for you, or your hurt and your feelings, because I don't think he's motivated by any of that. If he was, he wouldn't be lying in the first place. He has to know that the problem is his behaviour and his untrustworthiness.... and he has to know that there are consequences to him (not you) if nothing changes.

Original poster

endoftetheragain · 21/07/2013 21:42

I won't see him properly until Tuesday night which is probably a good thing.

Twinkle I'm at a loss for how to explain it to him anymore. He's seen me in floods of tears, he's seen me pack his suitcase (he refused to leave) Nothing seems to get through.

Cog Face to face will be really tough. He usually just clams up then starts shouting then ignores me for hours/a day, if I keep trying to talk he insults me, swears at me and scares me really. I don't want to go through that again. He knows how many times we've nearly broken up over this kind of thing, but it doesn't motivate him to stop either. So, he's not motivated by seeing me hurt, or by thinking it's over, or by having space.. he just won't leave and wants to carry on as normal

He's getting both barrels by text now. Something he said earlier, he'd added his ex-coworker's wife (!!) but I reckon his ex-coworker would never dream of adding me Because he thinks it would be weird to add a woman he doesn't really know? Because he knows what my husband is like and thinks I'm a mug? Why would my husband add someone's wife fgs! I've told him it's beyond unfair that he gets to be friends with everyone, yet pushes me away, and I get ignored by them all (was never invited out drinking with them even though it now seems this ex-coworker's gf/wife was), ex-coworker would never dream of adding me on fb just because I was DH's wife. None of the girls would dream of adding me either.

Do you know what really hurts too? I'm not even DH's friend on fb It's like I don't exist.

OP posts:

Leverette · 21/07/2013 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShoutyCrackers · 21/07/2013 22:11

Out of interest why are you not leaving him ?

Twinklestein · 21/07/2013 22:13

It is quite difficult to explain things by text, so that might be part of the problem. But frankly the issue is so straightforward that if he hasn't 'got' it by now, he is just choosing not to.

Fuck facebook to a certain extent, but he does to have separate online life, in which he's not married...

Can he explain why he shuts you out of that part of his life?

As much as the lies I don't know how you cope who can't discuss things rationally not like some aggressive teen.

Maybe you should try couples counselling to learn to communicate with each other. (Not that I think you need help with that, he's the one with the problem).

TalkativeJim · 21/07/2013 22:24

Sorry but I would absolutely leave a man like this.

Just a very, very low quality husband who won't change.

Doesn't really matter if he's cheated - the fact that he can't (or won't) see what's wrong with his behaviour here tells you everything you need to know.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 07:27

"if I keep trying to talk he insults me, swears at me and scares me really. "

I'm appalled by this. How can you have any kind of relationship with someone who not only lies to you and excludes you from his social circle but who defaults to aggression and verbal abuse rather than talk? Have you posted about this man before? The story sounds vaguely familiar. Apologies if I'm thinking of someone else.

Increasingly his casual 'sorry' looks like lip-service to shut you up. If he won't change & won't leave, then get advice from people that can help you achieve that IRL. Solicitors, CAB, Womens Aid even.

Londonmrss · 22/07/2013 08:47

When you try to take rationally face to face, he shouts and swears at you and frightens you. He sounds absolutely horrible. That is not what a relationship is and it is definitely not what love is. Such appalling behavior towards you is unacceptable and cannot be simply excused as a characteristic, just 'the way he is'. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve to be treated better than this. Everyone deserves better than this treatment.

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/07/2013 09:03

You need counselling in order to understand why you feel you have to stay with a horrible sleazy man who lies and gets aggressive.

SleepyFish · 22/07/2013 09:09

Agree with madabouthotchoc. I think you need to ask yourself what exactly you get out of this relationship.
You're married to someone whom you can't have a face to face conversation with without being verbally abused/shouted down. Why?

Meringue33 · 22/07/2013 09:43

Oh dear. That sort of behaviour would not be acceptable even if you were paranoid and clingy - which you're clearly not.

I can't believe you're not even friends with him on FB. Is his status on FB "single"?? Is he living out a complete fantasy life online where he is unattached and free to do as he pleases?

Original poster

endoftetheragain · 22/07/2013 22:50

Leverette That's what I really struggle with, If I did anything that hurt him I would be incredibly apologetic, trying to fix things, no way I would shout and insult him. Just feel so disrespected and like I don't know him at all.

Cog I have posted before, either your memory is too good or my life is crap enough to be memorable

Mad Went to Relate alone, and it really helped. She talked through some reasons why dh might think and feel how he does, but that they were wrong and taught me how to stand up to him. He had moved out, came back, I was really cutting him off if he started to get arsey, he got much better, really understood how i felt and made a huge effort. Now this. Feel like an utter mug.

Meringue No, his status is married and he has lots of pics of me, him and kids all together all over his page. Had a snoop if his messages (how low have I sunk..) and the couple of messages I can find to women are innocent looking, and most mention me or kids in some way.

I have been setting my case out by text all day. I've told him that he's being sleazy, I've lost a huge amount of respect for him and don't want to be around someone who wants to desperately be friends with girls 10 years younger than him to the detriment of our marriage, which his is ruining both with this fb shite and his inability to talk without blaming me.

Have told him I've messaged all the girls on fb to see if they are who he says they are, so this is his last chance to tell the truth.

OP posts:

ShoutyCrackers · 22/07/2013 22:56

Texting him all day? How depressingly modern. Talk to him ace to face.

Original poster

endoftetheragain · 22/07/2013 23:03

Would do, but as he's 50miles away until tomorrow night i'd have to shout pretty fecking loud.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2013 09:22

Do pick up the phone and talk rather than text. It was the part about excluding you from his social circle that I remember from last time. Wasn't he insulting about it? Keeping things from you? If it's the same man it all sounded like he wanted to play the gay bachelor with his workmates and you were dismissed as the dowdy, nagging hausfrau, cramping his style and spoiling his fun.

His 'huge effort' didn't last long and I don't think you should plan to waste any more time on him. Sad but important for your self-respect.

LookingForwardToMarch · 23/07/2013 09:36

So hang on have I got this straight?

Your husband is a proven liar.

You can't actually have an adult chat face to face with him.

He claims to not see the difference between men and women but knows enought to lie to you when he meets/ adds/ chats to women.

He adds young girls and random women on fb. Not friends but on the other side of the country. Which lets face it, can only be to use their pics for wanking material or sex chatting.

There must be an absolutely amazing reason you are still married to him!

LookingForwardToMarch · 23/07/2013 09:38

Does he have to go away for work often?

Maybe he lies about where he is and some of these women are there?

Flip

1 2 3