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Original poster

will he get custody if we split?

33 replies

desperateforaholiday · 20/07/2013 18:27

My dh is a stay at home dad, basically because he won't work, if we were to split up would he get custody of our children?
We have a lot of problems at the moment, which I'm not sure we can work through as I don't believe he will change, I have just read on another thread that if he is the main carer he would get custody and I would get access.
Just the thought of losing my boys makes me feel sick, if I have to put up with this relationship to keep them living with me I will. I couldn't bear to lose them Sad

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 20/07/2013 18:28

But if they spend all day with them and can provide all day care, maybe that would be right.

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2013 19:12

I completely disagree, Arisbottle.

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2013 19:12

How old are your children, OP?

Branleuse · 20/07/2013 19:14

not necessarily, but i would certainly speak to a solicitor.

HeySoulSister · 20/07/2013 19:14

How old?

RandomMess · 20/07/2013 19:18

The starting point is 50/50 shared residency - so 3 nights one week and 4 the next, persumably it would make sense for your h to have them weekdays when he is caring for them during the day?

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2013 19:20

Yes but that means she has to pay him maintenance when he's just too idle to work?

Surely the courts can distinguish between a SAHP where it was agreed between the couple that one of them would stay at home with the child, and someone who is too idle to find work?

Arisbottle · 20/07/2013 19:23

I agree that 50/50 is the best arrangement.
For very young children it would seem daft to give care to a parent who is out at work all day and whilst the other is at home.

When DH split with his ex, their son lived full times with his ex, not because she was a woman or a better parent but because DH was better placed to go out to earn the money to give them all a good standard of living and his ex was at home anyway.

If men and women are to be treated equally we cannot say that possession of a vagina means that we should have full time care of the children.

Lweji · 20/07/2013 19:23

Who is most involved in the children's lives? School, taking to parties, gp, etc?

Arisbottle · 20/07/2013 19:24

To be honest I am quite idle and if I could I would stay at home, doesn't stop me being a great parent.

Lweji · 20/07/2013 19:25

Would he actually want to have responsibility for the children?

Could he have them during the day, as day care, and them spending most nights at yours?

Branleuse · 20/07/2013 19:27

if hes a decent SAHP, then maybe its not just refusing to work, maybe its him wanting to be a SAHP?? Lots of women do this.

Most people who want to leave relationships feel awful about not having their children living wth them full time, but it doesnt mean you would lose them. You'd need to sort out access though

Original poster
desperateforaholiday · 20/07/2013 19:30

Sorry our dc are 4 and 1, he does the morning school run and looks after the baby until I get in at 1 then I take over while he usually goes upstairs for some 'me' time. He's never taken them the park on his own, I get up in the night if needed, I cook most of the evening meals and buy all their clothes etc.
I would have loved to have stayed at home with them but we needed an income, can't believe I would have them taken away from me just because I am responsible enough to work Sad

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/07/2013 19:35

The OP said, "My dh is a stay at home dad, basically because he won't work", Branleuse.

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2013 19:36

What hours do you work, OP? Do you have anyone else who could care for them?

His "me time"... how long does that go on for? Do you stop work at 1?

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2013 19:37

I agree with you, desperate; that would be really unfair.

SlittySluttySlots · 20/07/2013 21:23

Hi desperate - i think the key question is do you think he would want full custody? i separated from H at the beginning of the year and our situation mirrors yours, even the age of the children. I was panicking he was going to take the children and i would have lost my marriage & children all in one fail swoop.

I suppose the difference is that he wanted out, not me...

Anyway, i took legal advice after he'd been gone a few weeks (i was still off work as was struggling massively) and the solicitor stated that as i was still in the family home (H at his mums) and i was providing for them and represented stability, i may not have been the primary carer as such but there was no case for him to take them. If he suddenly started working, got his own place etc that may have meant further discussions.

However, fast forward 7 months and he's still not working, still at his mums (although OW on the scene a little bit too quickly!!) and we've settled into a routine of him having the children a couple of days, one overnight and every other weekend.

A situation recently highlighted just how much this set-up suits him and how, when it's not 'his time', he couldn't give a shit. He is at heart LAZY and to this day uses the children as an excuse for why he can't work. I think the effort to do more is just beyond him. Especially as, like yours, he never did the night wakings, the cooking etc - massive dose of reality there!

sorry, bit of a rambling all over the place post but please feel free to PM if you like. I know there are differences but the thought of him taking my children was almost more than i could bear so completely know how you feel Sad

SlittySluttySlots · 20/07/2013 21:32

And yes - being the fucking responsible one and giving H the opportunity to raise our children when i would have LOVED to have done it.. as a basis to lose custody - surely it's not possible? Although i rather think it is... Sad

I know many men find themselves in this position so i sympathise... It sucks!

However, everything is designed to promote what is in the best interest of the children so i am hopeful you and I would win out... a layabout is just not a great role model!

Twinklestein · 20/07/2013 21:38

OP are you looking after them from 1pm until you put them to bed?

Sparklysilversequins · 20/07/2013 21:39

Well I would put your dc into childcare, the eldest will be in full time school soon, make sure YOU do all the pick ups etc. I would gradually move to "adjusting" his status as SAHP, so that it becomes clear that he's just staying at home because he is a lazy twat. I probably wouldn't be thinking about leaving till I had done that.

Original poster
desperateforaholiday · 21/07/2013 06:35

Thanks everyone, I'm in a state of limbo at the moment, I can't risk losing my children, the last time we rowed he said he would take them. Ive been on edge ever since.
Yesterday here was horrible, there is a definate atmosphere, sorry if I'm rambling, I can't make sense of my own thoughts at the moment and not sure if our relationship is normal and its just me being over sensitive.

OP posts:
sashh · 21/07/2013 07:04

So he looks after them 5 mornings a week? That's not even half the time.

Ignore him saying he will 'take them' he can't.

Lweji · 21/07/2013 09:01

My exH also said he'd take DS.
He was a sahp because he had a MH issue and couldn't work, or at some point wouldn't.
Similarly I was the actual parent, he was simply at home, cooked some meals, often ready meals, and cleaned occasionally.

He ended up long distance and has skype contact, not surprisingly unreliable.

I'd make sure you have witnesses as to what he actually does, including the afternoons. Invite people in, or complain to all you know.
Why can't he get a job from 1pm? (retorical) But something to question in court if necessary.

RandomMess · 21/07/2013 09:28

Do you own your own home, is rented etc? The fact that you only work part time does work in your favour. Plus when it comes to maintenance and residency it's overnights that count. He could look after them every morning whilst you are at work where he lives but it's only the amount of nights that the sleep there that would count.

mummytime · 21/07/2013 09:42

Keep a diary, or make a timetable of who looks after them and when. List activities they go to, and who takes them. Who takes them to the Doctors/Dentist? Who goes to parent meetings?
Do you have anyone who babysits them other than H?

I would suggest getting some legal advice. But a) it doesn't sound as if he really is the major care giver; b) if he is that lazy does he really even want them? Would it be just to spite you?

If he wasn't around how would you cope for child care?

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