will he get custody if we split?

[desperateforaholiday]

My dh is a stay at home dad, basically because he won't work, if we were to split up would he get custody of our children?
We have a lot of problems at the moment, which I'm not sure we can work through as I don't believe he will change, I have just read on another thread that if he is the main carer he would get custody and I would get access.
Just the thought of losing my boys makes me feel sick, if I have to put up with this relationship to keep them living with me I will. I couldn't bear to lose them

I think it would be to spite me, although he does love them, he has nothing to do with any of his family and doesn't like mine, although I am very close to them. My mum and dad have already offered their support and my mum says she will give up her morning job to look after them.
We own the house but its in negative equity as we bought in 2007, we don't have any other debts.

He's still in bed at the moment, so will see what sort of mood he is in when he gets up.

Thanks for the support

I would be seriously tempted to move in with your parents then and let him go through mediation to negotiate his contact with the dc. Would your parents be happy to have you all live with them until things got sorted?

Most importantly is the child benefit currently in your name?

Yes it is, although he did want me to get it changed, my mum and dad only have 2 bedrooms, the 2nd bedroom is only a single, I also have a dd, he isn't her dad, so she would be with me too.

If you're with the children from 1pm onwards every day, he's not the primary carer.

Childcare's a good suggestion, but if your mum really could take over the mornings, that would be ideal. You could pay her instead of childcare so she doesn't lose out too much financially.

Your older dd works in your favour, the courts like siblings kept together. I would book appointments with several local solicitors for a free half hour consultation and seek legal advice.

It sounds like in reality he wouldn't want the responsbility of looking after them and is using it as a threat to keep you in your place. Personally I would serve the divorce papers on him and take it to mediation. If the house is sold how much debt is there going to be left over or could you afford the mortgage on your own?

Another thing to bear in mind is that he might not want to be responsible for the children 24 hrs a day when they're with him - he would HAVE to get up in the night, mop up sick etc.....
My xh had had the dcs during the day before, but had never had a 'normal' day - entertaining children, cleaning, cooking etc. I believe it came as a bit of a shock!

RandomMess - I'm pretty sure the starting point ISN'T 50:50 shared residency; in fact such arrangements are quite unusual and rightly so in my opinion. Children are not possessions to be "split down the middle" and it's contentious in the least to think that it's the right thing for children to be living between two homes. One of the family lawyers on here posted once that she has suggested to parents before that the children stay put and the parents move in and out of the family home each week - when the parents react and say how untenable it is and how they don't want to be living out of a suitcase she points out that that lifestyle is exactly what 50:50 residency would mean for the children...

OP - I'm part-way through a very difficult divorce where contact with the children is very much being fought over. From what you say your H is by no means the clear primary carer; if anything it sounds as though he simply looks after the children in the mornings and the children regard you as their main carer. You've been given good advice here which I would second - start a detailed daily diary and write down who does what each day - from the giving of meals, to taking them out, bedtimes, etc. Get some legal advice and please don't be cowed into inaction by the threats of your husband; I wouldn't think you have much to worry about but you must find out for yourself by seeking expert opinion from a family lawyer.

As others have said start keeping track of exactly how much he does

If he is genuinely the primary carer then I believe he is likely to get residency of them (though most cases should ideally be 50/50 anyway) and I think that is only right, gender should be irrelevant. But if he is not actually the one providing the main amount of care then that changes things

My DH is the primary carer of our children and were we to spilt I would want 50/50 care of them but I know he would also continue to be the resident parent