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Original poster

Can a marriage survive Toxic ILs

31 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2013 12:03

Basically that really, for 9 years now i feel like i'm battling a crusade visa ve the inlaws and the things they have done are as long as my arm.

It sounds awful but i am at the end of my tether seeing dh treated like crap & taking abuse from them but if i so much as mention it he doesn't see my pov and carries on. Today it is his birthday and he has kicked off because i asked him if he would kindly get me a bag of icing sugar for the cake i'm making him. He has kicked off that he had to do it and walked out in a huff to go and see his parents who are apparently the nice guys and could do no wrongConfused

I cannot write the whole il life story down or i will be here all day but the things they have done are endless Abuse when dh was a child, verball abuse, singling him out by buying inexpensive gifts at xmas, whereas his siblings get so much, mil insulting my child from a prev rel on many occasions, fil obsession with wanting naps with my dc when we used to visit, leaving my dc out & buying other gc things, witholding gifts they choose to buy bdays/xmas. We are now nc, but pil are pressurizing him to get me to relent.

I'm always the bad guy on bdays and xmas and dh takes it all out on me and i'm at my wits end. I'm here today with 4 children & pregnant while instead of spending his bday with us chooses to spend it with his abusive parents. Feel so upset that he begrudges popping to shop for me yet will go back to them for more abuse and leave me here for the day too.

How can i stop being the bad guy or shall i just call it quits now ?

OP posts:
cornyblend37 · 20/07/2013 12:09

it all sounds very stressful for you
does dh usually kick off over silly things like he did today?
it doesn't sound like he is on board at all with being no contact with the inlaws

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2013 12:12

He isn't on with me & dc being nc with ils and doesn't agree with it, which doesn't help.
What with issues concerning mil ridiculing my dd and fil abusive they aren't the sort of people i want round my children.

I have never stopped dh seeing pil, i would never do that and i cant but they bring out the worst in him and are really not nice people.

OP posts:
cornyblend37 · 20/07/2013 12:20

that sounds so difficult
will he stay there now? were you doing a birthday celebration for him?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2013 12:31

Don't know last time he went round there he stayed until 6 so i don't know.
Have made him a cake and will be making a nice dinner with a trifle buy tbh the effort will all be wasted once he comes back so ditched making a trifle, too much faff for no apprieciation! He always comes back from there moody & withdrawn probaby ils slagging me off to him amongst other things!

He will come home later as usual with some cheap white socks and a £20 if he is luck praising how absolutely wonderful they are with a miserable face. Tbh i think he lies to himself, a fantasy of having a perfect family when the only way he will get that is with me! Who he takes for granted, i'm so stressed as i know what he will be like later, he will be grumpy, withdrawn, snappy and probably fall asleep after dinner.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 21/07/2013 23:47

Hey pumpkins. How are things today?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 08:11

"I'm always the bad guy on bdays and xmas and dh takes it all out on me and i'm at my wits end. "

If you're talking about marriage survival, 'taking it out on you' (regardless of the source of the problem) will kill it stone dead. You either agree to disagree about his parents and he carries on seeing them without you. Or you decide on a common approach and work as a team to support each other. What you can't do under any circumstances is do your own thing, harbour resentment and let it drive a wedge... which is what is currently happening.

Bedtime1 · 22/07/2013 13:38

I agree with cogito. You give such sound advice.

Pumpkin. - hope your okay.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 14:11

Thankyou cognito that's exactly what i want, equal ground so each of us knows where we stand.
He knows he can visit his parents as much as he wants and although they make him depressive and unhappy if that's what he wants then that's fine but he doesn't realise he is even doing it when he gets home re: depressive moodswings/taking it out on me so i find it hard sometimes.

We were also on the agreement after much discussion last summer that me & dc were to go non contact for the forceeble future, at the time although hard we got through it and things between us improved alot due to him also making the decision to stop seeing his parents so often. Everything was going well except birthdays and Christmas when pil ramped up the messages and phonecalls begging to see the gc. It got rather nasty at christmas and an aunt was also involved. After this dh kept on at me about the dc not seeing ils and i finally relented in May, but tbh after the visit i realised things would never change and i wanted to keep things nc for sure. Dh doesn't agree with this & is still under the illusion the visit went swimmingly. It didn't it was shit, mil bought her other gc with her, kids weren't interested and played upstairs entire time mil was her and dh was depressive moody and verbally abusive on the evening of the visit aswell for 4 days after.
I never said i would be making it a regular thing but mil assumes another visit will be made, i don't want this but she is hassling dh again who then takes it out on me iyswim.

I told him yesterday that his parents are not nice people but i understand why he loves & wants to see them but me and the dc don't have to see them but again he is dilusional and ignored what i said by saying he thought it went wonderful last time and doesn't understand my problemConfused

I'm hoping in time he realises that these people aren't good for our dc and they are safer and better off without them.

My oldest dd hates them, after being stigmatized by mil for not being blood related and since fil made a show down last yr on mothers day over a gift shouting "i don't give a fuck whether i see my gcs again for all i care" well he got what he wanted.
My second oldest hates them too as fil tripped her up and called her a boy and left my dc with a saw last year leaving them seconds away from danger.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 14:40

"he doesn't realise he is even doing it when he gets home re: depressive moodswings/taking it out on me so i find it hard sometimes."

This is the part that is totally unacceptable and I'm sorry but I think he does realise he's doing it. He's taking part in an activity that leaves him miserable... fair enough, his choice to be miserable. But it is not his choice to make everyone else miserable. That is where you draw the line.

He respects your wishes to stay no contact and he straightens his face after he's been there. Anything less than that and I'm sorry but you don't have a marriage....

Vivacia · 22/07/2013 14:51

I don't know where to start, but I don't think your relationship with the in-laws is your only problem. Can you separate things out? You have little to no contact (so they don't visit your home. Your children have limited contact and rules are put in place even then. Thirdly, you outline what behaviour is acceptable from your husband (regardless of his contact with his family).

Also, the comment about naps with the grandfather - can you elaborate?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 15:00

Hi vic the comments in regard to naps with fil-when in contact it was assumed by fil when visiting pil home that when tired the kids could nap with him. I didn't like this at all, never allowed it and after a while realised it was very odd that even when a pram was available my kids were ushered for naps (told no obviously)! the day i realised it was suspicious was when the whole family ie: mil, fil, sil1, sil2, and the aunt started more or less begging me to send my dd for a nap, on this particular day alarm bells rang very loudly in my head & i proceded to take dc home.
And not long after this dh admitted he was beaten by fil as a child but has never told me quite how. After the nap incidence i do wonder whether more than just phycsicall abuse took place as i found the behaviour disturburbing

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 15:05

Hi vic the comments in regard to naps with fil-when in contact it was assumed by fil when visiting pil home that when tired the kids could nap with him. I didn't like this at all, never allowed it and after a while realised it was very odd that even when a pram was available my kids were ushered for naps (told no obviously)! the day i realised it was suspicious was when the whole family ie: mil, fil, sil1, sil2, and the aunt started more or less begging me to send my dd for a nap, on this particular day alarm bells rang very loudly in my head & i proceded to take dc home.
And not long after this dh admitted he was beaten by fil as a child but has never told me quite how. After the nap incidence i do wonder whether more than just phycsicall abuse took place as i found the behaviour disturburbing

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/07/2013 15:12

That's the kind of thing I thought you were going to say, but didn't want to presume. Also, sexual abuse isn't the only form of abuse. I think a level of control/presence during time of vulnerability/intimacy is just as worrying. I think you did great to protect your kids when all around are trying to persuade you otherwise.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 21:54

Ofgs, now i have dh asking me if mil can visit for an hr on my dc birthday, i have said no, i can tell he isn't happy.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/07/2013 21:55

Why not agree to meet somewhere neutral for a birthday meal?

Vivacia · 22/07/2013 21:56

(I mean, it's fairly natural that she's want to see her grandchild on their birthday).

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 22:03

Not after all the things they have done, it isn't that simple.
I now have him kicking off just because i said no, and he has gone upstairs to bed. He will be like this for days now, i can't take much moreSad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 22:07

A marriage can survive toxic ILs but you really don't want a marriage to survive with an emotionally abusive man. 'Kicking off' and sulking is emotional abuse and its totally irrelevant that the trigger happens to be your MIL. If he can't behave like a decent human being and discuss differences maturely and calmly, he's not worth wasting your time on. He's a bully.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 22:15

I know cognito, i really can't do this anymoreSad. It's all my fault for starting up contact that one time, he was so different, things were so different. We were a proper couple with hardly no intrusion now back to this again with 4dc & one on the way.
I don't know how he can be so selfish knowing how anxious i am after my mc in feb, i have a scan saturday and my nerves are in tatters as it is-i was trying to focus on my dd birthday by wrapping her gifts and making her a cake all whilst he sat on the phone to mil....i knew what was coming!

It's not as if i said no in a horrible way, after all mil did ask for me to say yes or no, so it was 50-50 what the answer would have been. My words to dh were "no not at such short notice, this isn't good for us right now, especially when i'm anxious like this", but he started bombarding me with questions before chucking the remote at me and stomping off to bed. Normally i would follow him, today i have lost all hope and i'm considering telling him it's them or me. If he can't accept me & dc are non contact then he can go as i have had enough of this and i don't think i can take another 20 yrs+ of this Sad

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/07/2013 22:29

It's not your fault. You didn't cause this.

What do you mean he threw the remote at you?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 22:29

Chucked the remote and just missed me

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/07/2013 22:39

Ok, so he wasn't passing it to you?

Pumpkin, it's really not ok for him to be throwing things at you.

Floralnomad · 22/07/2013 22:49

My marriage has survived toxic Inlaws but only because my husband backed me up , as others have said your problem is as much your husband as your Inlaws .

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 23:31

I know that's what is hard to realise and come to terms with.
They bring out the worst in him and his personality changes so much when around them, even a short phonecall can change his mood in an instant.

But despite this i know deep down if he really cared about me like he said he would stop living in cloud cukoo land or atleast agree somewhat that his parents are not the people he is dreaming up. I did have him on my side but now it seems he is not.
He is one of those people that although for a short while, will never admit to anyone, even himself what sort of family he is trying to pose a risk on my children. I have lost the will to fight any longer and if he leaves tomorrow i will be relieved not to have to put up with this anymore.
If he loved me he would see my side to it and atleast be as one against my ils but it looks as though that is never going to happen.

My dd birthday will now be ruined, i'm thinking of just going for a long walk with dd in her pushchair tomorrow as her birthday will be better away from this atmosphere. I'm just glad my other dc are still at school because it's not fair on them to have to put up with it either.

I'm starting to wonder whether he is as toxic as his parents tbh.
I have been in tears for over an hour, and stressing my upset will not be good for my pregnancy. I have come to bed now and guess what he isn't even here, he is asleep in dc room. How lovelyHmm, what nice childish behaviour on the night of dd birthday.

Feel so alone right now it's unbelievable, no-one to talk to who really listens. Can't seem to sleep, for wondering what to do, feel or think

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Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 22/07/2013 23:33

*in rl

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