Can a marriage survive Toxic ILs

[pumpkinsweetie]

Basically that really, for 9 years now i feel like i'm battling a crusade visa ve the inlaws and the things they have done are as long as my arm.

It sounds awful but i am at the end of my tether seeing dh treated like crap & taking abuse from them but if i so much as mention it he doesn't see my pov and carries on. Today it is his birthday and he has kicked off because i asked him if he would kindly get me a bag of icing sugar for the cake i'm making him. He has kicked off that he had to do it and walked out in a huff to go and see his parents who are apparently the nice guys and could do no wrong

I cannot write the whole il life story down or i will be here all day but the things they have done are endless Abuse when dh was a child, verball abuse, singling him out by buying inexpensive gifts at xmas, whereas his siblings get so much, mil insulting my child from a prev rel on many occasions, fil obsession with wanting naps with my dc when we used to visit, leaving my dc out & buying other gc things, witholding gifts they choose to buy bdays/xmas. We are now nc, but pil are pressurizing him to get me to relent.

I'm always the bad guy on bdays and xmas and dh takes it all out on me and i'm at my wits end. I'm here today with 4 children & pregnant while instead of spending his bday with us chooses to spend it with his abusive parents. Feel so upset that he begrudges popping to shop for me yet will go back to them for more abuse and leave me here for the day too.

How can i stop being the bad guy or shall i just call it quits now ?

I don't know what to say ,but didnt want to say nothing.Im sure your daughter will have a lovely birthday whatever you decide to do . Your husband sounds like a complete dick ,do you think he'd go to counselling ? Have you not got any family of your own ?

Same as Floral here. You don't need to feel alone.

Would you consider counselling? It could help you get your thoughts straight.

"I'm starting to wonder whether he is as toxic as his parents tbh"

If you took all references to ILs out of this thread and what was left was a description of his bad behaviour towards you, he certainly comes across as a bad-tempered, aggressive and argumentative bully. He 'kicks off' at the slightest excuse... a bag of icing sugar? ... and it's not his parents making him behaving this way, he's choosing to behave this way.

Don't you have friends or family IRL that you can talk to for support? Would you consider talking to Samaritans or Womens Aid?

It certainly reads like your DH is playing out behaviours learned in his childhood.

I think that's bigger problem, your DH, not your MIL.

Your dh seems to be on another planet and he sounds extremely entitled. I am in similar situation. I have gone nc but my dh is backing me and that makes a huge difference. If your Dh insists continued access then you will need to change tactics. Fwiw, I kicked my dh out and he was bloody sorry. I'm not saying you should too....it really was the end of a very long road for me but you should begin preparing yourself if he continues to be stubborn..

My dh has just found a new job so i'm hoping it has him so busy, busy enough to stop harassing me about allowing contact.
I have said to him today i will come to a compromise but i'm not ready yet. The compromise i am thinking is quarterly visits, ie four a year, just before christmas, easter, mid year and autumn. I think once every four months is just about doable, but i'm in two minds really, i would be doing this for dh, not i or dc and is dh pressurizing me because the hassle he gets from pil or is it because he wants them to see dc....
I'm not sure which it is, why would he want to inflict these people on dc?

I have parted ways with dh before cookie and the results were astounding, chucked him out in the morning, he was back by the evening and things went very well for a long while. Maybe that is the way forward, a sure sharp shock to the system he needs if his behaviour continues.
Knowing he will have nowhere but pil to go should be enough