Should i just be brave and leave or stay and make it 'work'

[grounddown]

P and i have 2 beautiful children, 24 months and 6 months and its bloody hard work. DS doesn't sleep and P wont do the nights so im knackered 24/7 and back at work 2 days a week.
P doesn't seem to understand just how hard life is for me at the mo, surviving on 4 hours sleep a night and entertaining a teething, nearly crawling 6 month old and a very energetic 2 year old on my own- im on my knees by 6pm knowing im going to have a crap nights sleep and be up at 5am. He thinks its ridiculous when im crying at 3 in the morning from sheer frustration.

P and i argue constantly, about how to deal with the kids (DD is having trouble self settling at bedtime due to climbing out of the cot and being in a bed so someone has to sit with her until she falls asleep) and housework and just about anything really, i am no angel - i give as good as i get but i dont use the language he does and i dont do it in front of the kids although im sure they can hear. Last night he called me a prick in front of the kids and told me he hates me. Then 2 minutes later hes fine again and bringing me some strawberries.

I have been ready to leave before, i honestly dont love him and im with him because i want my kids to have 2 parents but thats just not reasonable is it. We might have 1 day a week where we are ok, well civil anyway and the rest of the time we either dont speak or argue.

We currently live in a 2 bed bungalow with DS in his own room, me on the sofa, P and DD in a double bed in her room - crazy!!!! I dont agree with the sleeping arrangements but im too worn out to argue. We had the chance to move next door into a 3 bed house (we rent) but he wouldnt move because there was nowhere outside for him to smoke weed, he never said that but i know thats the truth - we have a huge garage here. He is restricting our lives isnt he. He is being made redundant in 10 weeks and he hasnt looked for a job. He will get a big payout but the way he is with money it will be gone in a month.

I have been on rightmove this morning and seen a house in our area for an unbelievable price. I earn a measly wage and cant afford to move on my own but have managed to squirrel away enough for a deposit and am sure my mom would be a guarantor if i asked her. The problem is im just so scared of dealing with the kids on my own - bedtime is sheer hell and i dont know how i would do it - i would have to leave one child alone, crying whilst i put the other to bed. I dont do crying at bedtime.

Im sure i could put up with his crap and he definitely wont leave me, he says if anyones going its me not him so if i want to split the family up thats on my head but should i? Hearing your mom and dad argue is horrible and mine didnt do it much but i never heard my dad call my mom a fucking c*nt

Its just such a huge thing and i dont want to ruin stuff. P will be very difficult if we split, im not looking forwards to his backlash.Sorry this is long.

I'm not here because of the catchment area, I was brought up in this area and love it so wanted my kids to have the same, I don't want my kids to go to the local school, it's far to hard to get into. I'm not thinking of schools yet!!
I saw another house on right move, I drove past but it has leaded windows, not double glazed. It's a big old semi that's stuck on 1950 but I don't mind that I just can't afford to heat a big old house.
Tonight I put both kids to bed which took 2 hours, went to asda and did a food shop then sat down for the first time today. I'm shattered!! All this whilst P sat on his computer and kept slipping off to the garage (to smoke weed I presume) oh he gave DD a bath but the bath water is still in 4 hours later.

I had two 12 months apart so I know how hard it can be. I also had to manage by myself often (for different reasons). It is hard but it can be done. You might find the children settle easier (and you feel less stressed) when you're on your own. You can get your own routines in place and won't have the stress and anger in the house which the children pick up on.

I used to do the same bedtime routine every night which was both in the bath (baby on a lay down plastic thing until he could sit up then in a safety ring) and bath them together. We would sing songs and have bubbles in the bath so it was always relaxed. Then I took baby out and dried and dressed him next to the bath. He hated to be put down so I then stuffed him in a sling while I dried and dressed my eldest. Left eldest with a book / music box while I put baby down. Literally put him in a sleeping bag, in cot then lights out and door shut. Crying or not that was it. I then went back and read eldest a story then light off and sleep.

Baby at first cried when put down but by implementing exactly the same strict routine at bedtime and sticking to when the door is shut that's IT they both went down like clockwork at 7pm (and still do!). That was from when baby was 5 months old.

When toddler would get up I just led her bad to bed, covered her and shut the door again. No talking. Took about a week or 10 days before she stopped getting up.

I know it seems incredibly daunting thinking about going it alone but really how much harder would it be than it is now? What help does he actually give you?

Hi OP,

What a horrible situation to find yourself in. My ex P was similar to yours in terms of work, EA, not helping and being an oppressive prick. (No drugs or drink involved fortunately) He finally left and the children, the house, and I were the happiest we've ever been.

We have a similar age gap and my children also won't self settle. If you're looking at more gentle bed time approaches I recommend the no cry sleep solution for babies and there's also a toddler book. I only got as far as being in the room whilst they settle but embarking on slowly retreating.... Ill let you know if it works!

I also cannot recommend enough going on the freedom project and the recovery toolkit to help you understand what your P is and his behaviour (your health visitor and children's centre can help you get on these courses. )They provide a crèche and the love, support and empowerment you receive from it is incredible. Also you could look into being assigned a domestic abuse outreach worker who'd be able to help and support you in leaving and coping strategies whilst living with him.

Have you heard of home start as well? They are a charity who assign a lovely volunteer (usually a grandmother) to come over for a few hours each week whilst you rest, catch up or just offer emotional support. I found it immensely supportive and so grateful for their time and energy. Our volunteer is now a wonderful family friend whom the children adore.

It's really important to document what's happening in your home with someone official; your doctor, health visitor, children's centre etc. so if your ex ever takes things further ie: court you will have documented evidence of what has been occurring. My ex often calls the police on me (totally unfounded) and other agencies and we will most likely be going to court soon over residency issues due to his controlling and detrimental behaviour towards anything I do with the children. I have two years of documented evidence of his behaviour and know that should the courts ever request my medical records it will demonstrate a clear picture of what's been happening ( the idiot calls my surgery to cause problems so its just my word against his on my records if that makes sense. Everyone can see what he's doing and he's following the script of the perpetrator to the t.

You sound like an incredible mother and a great person. You absolutely have the strength, compassion and intelligence to get yourself and your lovely children into anywhere you want. It's a lot of hard work, the road won't be easy but I can hand on heart say its so worth it.

Be strong and be kind to yourself...feel free to pm me

Xxxx

Please bear in mind that he doesn't get to decide who leaves. Whose name is the tenancy in? You could get him removed from the home by court order. Or you could tell him that if he doesn't leave you will report his drug use to the police. Given that he's already abusive, it might be a good idea to have a chat with the local DV police officers anyway: the most dangerous time is when you're getting ready to dump an abusive man; if you are 'in the system' you will get a faster response if you need one. This man is lazy, selfish and unkind: he may escalate to physical violence if he thinks you are about to get rid of him.

Thank you all for your responses, I feel much better today. I told p I am looking to move as he kept nagging me to go to a park with him and the kids about ten mins drive away. It's awful but I just didn't feel like it and because he doesn't drive it's me that has to get them there. I told him I just didn't want to do anything with him and he said the whole 'well what's the point of us then' and I just said I didn't know. He told me 2 days ago he hated me and didn't want to be with me and that I should move out and today he acted like it was the first time we had ever had that conversation.
He's taken DD to the park to get away from me but he was mumbling under his breath what a 'prick' I am blah blah blah.
I'm going for lunch with my parents later so we will see what happens tonight!

This house is rented in his name because I want working when we moved here. I went to work at a new job when DS was 7 weeks old because I was finding looking after them both quite overwhelming and needed a bit of me time. I do 16 hours but I don't earn enough to rent a property in just my name so I will have to ask my mom to either be my guarantor or be a joint name?

He also said that he tells me he hates me and doesn't want to be with me because I make him that mad, but that he doesn't mean it.

OK, look for somewhere else to live. Don't worry about schools for the moment. You do not need his permission or his co operation to leave him but you shouldn't waste any more time on him. He isn't going to improve. He's fundamentally selfish and considers you and the DC inferior to him - all that matters to him is his needs and wishes. Just make your plans and carry them out. As to contact, don't worry too much for the moment: your DC are too little to be bothered about him and he sounds far too lazy and selfish to make any effort to keep in touch.

Should you stay with this verbally abusive, weed-smoking, inadequate loser ?

I think you know the answer to that question, love

Could you go home to your mum's with the kids until you can save for a deposit somewhere ? Better still, clear any joint accounts you have and class it as in lieu of child maintenance payments and leave

But, fgs, don't let slip anything of what you are planning

Seen another house, just spoken to letting agent and explained my circumstances and he is going to speak to the landlord to see if he will accept me with my mom as guarantor.
DD is sleeping in her toddler bed all night and I feel a bit better.
I am definitely leaving, P has been extra specially nice to me the last few days so its going to be hard to leave but I'm going to do it.

Good news on the house front and with your DD's sleep. Hard as it may be on your own, I can't see how it's easier with him there! Fingers crossed

Just wanted to say stay strong, you can do this, I bet once you're in your own place with the kids bedtime routine will get better, you'll be able to focus more on fixing it and having things the way you want them. Having a partner is supposed to enhance our life, make us feel part of a team, conquer the world together, you're not getting this from him, you're pretty much a single parent as it is.

Good luck, we're all proud of you for having the insight to believe you can have a better future for you and your kids.

I was you this time last year - My DCs are bad sleepers also. Your partner sounds just like my exP.

It is so daunting leaving - but you know it is the right thing to do for your children. I squirrelled away money too, and with my parents' support found a house. It was terrifying but I have never had any regrets.

One year on I am so much happier and, even though it is hard work being a sole parent, I am glad I trusted my inner voice and chipped away at my plan to leave until it happened. Things have worked out so well for me and they will for you too.

You are doing the right thing and being a good mother by leaving. I know you too will have no regrets and one day your children will thank you for your courage.

Good luck x

Good luck. You know the change in him is only temporary, to keep you on the hook. You've seen his true face too often to fall for that!

Just wondering if you had seen this thread - there is a CD that might help with your 24 month old sleeping. Good on you for making the decision to put yourself and your DCs first. I hope you find somewhere great to live.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1813200-I-need-some-help-with-DS-3-5yr-sleeping

Good luck OP!

Thank you all! I'm so grateful for all your support and good wishes, I never thought I could draw strength from posting on an Internet forum!
P has just told me he is off to find somebody else, WTF!!! If I wasn't 100% sure I was making the right decision before, I am now.

Ew, how childish

Pity that other woman he is off to find....

Splitting up is a bit like childbirth - messy and painful and undignified but it only lasts a short while and it is soooooooo worth it in the end.

Great - he's said he's leaving. If he comes back and says he didn't mean it you stick to your guns and say no, he's leaving, you're splitting up, that's it. Done. HOORAY!

Splitting up is a bit like childbirth - messy and painful and undignified but it only lasts a short while and it is soooooooo worth it in the end.

True dat. Sending you strength and love, grounddown, you are absolutely doing the right thing for you and your dc. Can't believe what he has put you through. Good luck and keep us posted.

Sometimes, when you have a partner who is so unhelpful And makes you feel so down it is surprisingly much easier to be on your own
This is how I find it anyway
There is less stress, no one to distract you from what you need to do, you feel calmer and in turn have more time and patience for your children

OK, get his bags packed and the tenancy agreement or whatever changed into your name, along with permission to change the locks.
This threat is supposed to make you crumble into a weeping mess and beg him to stay because in his head, no woman can bear to be single and a Man Like Him is a precious prize that women should sacrifice everything to keep. So you need to get him gone before he has time to go, I didn't mean it, I was just trying to scare you, or whatever.

He's growing cannabis in the bloody garage!!!!! Oh my god. Got a house viewing on Monday, fingers crossed!