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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ds doesnt't want my partner to live with us.

46 replies

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 10:13

Ive been seeing a lovely man for 2.5years, my ds is 14 and other ds is 9. Youngest ds loves seeing my partner, spending time together doing stuff in the garden/park; all good, they get on brilliantly.
My eldest ds says my partner is "boring but ok" but would rather have me to himself. He demands that every weekend i spend time with him and not see my partner at all (who currenlty lives an hour away) and sulks in his room if i even see partner for more than a couple of hours.

Myself and partner have discussed living together a lot - we would love to buy our own place but i feel so guilty as my ds isnt very happy about it. It's not that he dislikes my bf, he just says he doesnt see why he has to share my time, and that he wants it to be like when i was single again (was single parent for 6 years.)

I feel guilty at weekends when my bf wants to take us all out for the day and my eldest ds refuses, and i feel even worse if i go out and leave ds for the afternoon.
What to do?

OP posts:

stepmooster · 19/07/2013 10:15

hi have you tried the step-parenting board? This is a common topic over there ...

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 10:17

hi, no i havent but will do...thanks.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 10:29

I'd approach your DS this way. Does he have friends of his own? Does he spend time with them away from you? How is it fair for him to be able to do that but you're expected to be with him 24/7 and not have a life or friends of your own? You love him and of course you want to spend time with him, but you can't afford to have him being selfish running your social life.

ShoutyCrackers · 19/07/2013 10:31

I'd start by giving him short shrift tbh. No pussy footing around him. Providing you are there for him, supportive re school etc and spending some time with him, then he needs to accept that you are not just 'mum' and you're entitled to your own life too. Don't pander to this behaviour...he isn't 6.

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 10:44

Thanks for this, I thought you MNers would say i was being selfish for putting my love life before my ds. That's his classic line anyway! Apparently i am the worst mother in the world, and all i want is sex!!

OP posts:

Smilehappy · 19/07/2013 10:46

I would be setting my DS straight, you sound like a very good and reasonable mother and you deserve to be happy, he just sounds jealous and stroppy teenager who needs to let his mum get her life back! As long as he is safe, happy and well you need to take this head on, he can probably tell your going to pick him this is why he is putting you in this situation. He is testing you. If you are happy and after 2.5years with your partner you want to move in together then go for it... Your son does not call the shots, you do. X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 10:49

Are you absolutely sure, hand on heart, that your eldest DS has no greater criticism of your partner than 'boring'? That's the determinant here. If all the possessive stuff is just your DS feeling insecure or embarrassed that he has a sexually active mother, then you can tackle it with a combination of reassurance and assertiveness. If it's hiding any kind of serious objection to you partner, you have find that out.

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 10:52

Yeah I keep asking if there is something about my partner he doesnt like, and he just says "b-o-r-i-n-g." Also ds is begging for him to take us to the usa this year, and says we may as well make "the most of him." He's always happy for partner's money to be spent on him.
Pretty unpleasant really.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2013 10:54

His point of view is just as valid as yours is and both of you need to listen properly to what each of you are saying. He is saying all these things too for many reasons both logical and illogical to you and you need to establish exactly why he is saying those things.

Your son may actually be very insecure at heart and requires your complete assurance that if you and this man live together you do not abandon him. He is a teenager as well and that can be a difficult time for young men regardless.

pictish · 19/07/2013 10:56

Well I think it's high time you sserted your authority OP.

He's not the boss of you. He expects to have a social life and so should you. It is great that you are considerate towards your son...but now it has become a power imbalance.

Start seeing your partner at the weekend. Take the decision making back.

pictish · 19/07/2013 10:56

And keep reassuring your son.

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 10:59

Yes, my mum and partner both have mentioned that it is not ds who should be calling the shots, but me - but when i was 13, my mum moved her partner into our home, and my brother and i were upset that we didnt even get a say about it. We didnt even get along with her partner until we were adults. I don't want ds to think that i don't care about his feelings, and am putting my own feelings first. It's a toughie.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 11:01

Have your DS and DP ever spent much time together 'man to man' doing stuff and getting to know each other?

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 11:02

Forgot to add - partner is taking me abroad for 4 nights at end of month for my bday present, minus my kids. My mum is very happy to have them. Eldest ds has kicked up such a fuss about me 'abandoning' him that i have nearly cancelled the holiday twice. But the other part of me thinks 'sod it, I'm allowed a holiday without them!'

OP posts:

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 11:03

My ds REFUSES to do anything with any other adult other than me. (Anxiety when younger, was selective mute when much younger.)

OP posts:

pictish · 19/07/2013 11:03

Yes it is.

You've been together long enough I reckon, and your son knows him. He's not enthralled by him obviously, but neither is he suffering by his association.

Your dp is almost irrelevant in this. This about your relationship with your son, in which he wrongly believes he may control you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 11:04

Stand firm on the holiday. I'm sure you've explained that you're not abandoning anyone. Are you doing anything special for your birthday with your DCs, however?

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 11:06

Yes, I'm taking them out for a nice meal next week, and maybe Chessington for the day, without partner. Ds doesn't seem to appreciate these things though.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 11:06

Blimey, your son sounds unreasonable. Would he make such a fuss if you were going away with a friend?

What's this talk of his about you having sex? Isn't that something teenagers shy away from talking about with their mother?

Does he have any friends himself? Does he ever go to anyone's house for a sleepover?

Does he have any contact with his own father?

So many questions, sorry!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 11:07

Does he get help for anxiety now? Does it affect other areas of his life?

MalcolmTuckersMum · 19/07/2013 11:07

Sounds to me like now is the time to absolutely come down hard on this behaviour - or risk this DS turning into a man who will use this kind of thing to control any future wife/partner. It IS controlling behaviour - and coming from such a young man it would worry me.

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 11:09

Imperial - yes he's a bit weird mentioning the sex thing, think he does it to try to embarrass me??
He does see friends sometimes, and has many friends at school but for some reason prefers to sit at home and avoid them.

Yes he sees his father, it was a good relationship, but wants to see him less and less now, much to his dad's disappointment and sadness. His reason for not wanting to see his dad?- "He's BORING."

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2013 11:12

I have sympathies for both you and your eldest son. He's been through a lot in his life to date and has seen many changes.

Perhaps some family based counselling therapy with both you and your eldest only in attendance may help you both find a way forward. His refusal to do anything with another adult other than yourself (because one day you really will not be around) is in itself a huge problem and may well stem from his previous anxiety and selective mutism.

pictish · 19/07/2013 11:12

Well there you go.

It's not all that good for him to fixate on his mum and her business so intensely.

I think a gentle snipping of the apron strings is required here, with plenty of affection and reassurance...but firmly pressing on with your own affairs without his permission.

post · 19/07/2013 11:12

Just a thought, from that last point. It could be significant that you're thinking of yourown past (or not! But bear with me!)

All the time that you're 'buying into' the idea that your partner moving in will/ could be BAD for your ds, he'll pick up on that and believe it too.
A very different situation, but I know that my eldest ds's attitude to having a sibling with a disability changed when I stopped believing that it was a terrible thing for him to have to 'deal with'. It really changed very quickly; I decided that it was wonderful for him, as it has been for me; he started getting on bettr with his brother and stopped playing the 'poor me' card.

So DO you believe that it will be bad for him? DO you believe it means you don't care about his feelings?
They might not be the most useful beliefs to hold :)

This may be totally irrelevant for you,but I wanted to share it.

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