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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ds doesnt't want my partner to live with us.

46 replies

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 10:13

Ive been seeing a lovely man for 2.5years, my ds is 14 and other ds is 9. Youngest ds loves seeing my partner, spending time together doing stuff in the garden/park; all good, they get on brilliantly.
My eldest ds says my partner is "boring but ok" but would rather have me to himself. He demands that every weekend i spend time with him and not see my partner at all (who currenlty lives an hour away) and sulks in his room if i even see partner for more than a couple of hours.

Myself and partner have discussed living together a lot - we would love to buy our own place but i feel so guilty as my ds isnt very happy about it. It's not that he dislikes my bf, he just says he doesnt see why he has to share my time, and that he wants it to be like when i was single again (was single parent for 6 years.)

I feel guilty at weekends when my bf wants to take us all out for the day and my eldest ds refuses, and i feel even worse if i go out and leave ds for the afternoon.
What to do?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 11:13

He's struggling with something, isn't he? Isolating himself from friends, wanting you to himself, detaching from his Dad..... It could just be that phase of adolescence where real world stuff is so daunting that the only way to deal with it is to either pretend it's not there or take the piss out of it. Or it could be that there's some other problem he's not telling you.

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 11:16

Actually, he sounds like the boring one! And doesn't he realise that at 14 it's normal to find adults boring and that's why you hang out with your friends!

I would make him see his dad. No arguments. He needs male guidance and frankly, to give you a bit of space.

I don't know why he's talking about your sex life. I would be tempted to say he has to spend Saturday nights at his dad's and your boyfriend can stay then. You need a night away from him.

He does sound controlling. I also don't like him benefitting from your partner financially if he can't be civil. That trip to the US - is he the one pushing for it or your other son? It's horrible that he is trying to get that out of him when he doesn't like him. And he'd spoil the trip. Don't do it until he is different. And don't do it thinking he'll be so happy he'll start being civil. It doesn't work like that.

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 11:16

Ive really wanted to go to counselling with him for years, but nope, he refuses to even consider it. Once i nearly tricked him into going but he worked out what was going on and refused to get out of the car.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 11:18

I hadn't realised he had anxiety and selective mutism as a child.

He sounds as though he needs help. I'm not sure how you do that though if he's noncompliant.

If he thought you were staying in cleaning the house, would he be happy going to his gran's house?

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 11:18

It's not my younger ds pushing for the US trip, it's my eldest. He really likes to use people, and the reality is that even if we went on the trip, he still wouldn't be civil to my partner. So for now, the trip is not going to happen. No way.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 11:20

Then you'll have to assume it's plain old attention-seeking behaviour and deal with it accordingly.

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 11:22

It must be really hard to see unattractive traits like that in your child.

What do you think his future will be like? Do you think he'll go off to university when he's 18?

And you're right; he'd ruin the trip. It should be the trip of a lifetime, not one that's ruined by someone who's ungrateful and rude.

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 11:34

It IS horrible seeing such unpleasant traits in your own child, yes.

OP posts:

Original poster

treacleturkey · 19/07/2013 11:35

He says he does want to go away to uni, yes, but then toys with the idea of going to the more local one.

OP posts:

LookingForwardToMarch · 19/07/2013 11:44

Your son sounds like a shit head.

Put your foot down and put him in his place, which is below the adult of the house.

Channel your inner alpha bitch

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 11:47

LookingForwardToMarch, no matter what the OP's son's done, I don't think any child on MN should be called a shithead.

She is struggling to deal with him. You insulting him like that won't help.

LookingForwardToMarch · 19/07/2013 11:51

I realise on mn that 14 years old is considered to be just out of nappies....

But seriously the op's son is treating her in a shit heady manner. She is the only one who can sort him out.

I was giving the op a pep talk post where I assume the lad isn't reading, it's not like I walked up to the teenager on the street and shouted 'You Shithead!!!!'

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 19/07/2013 12:06

Just for a bit of perspective, huge numbers of 14 year olds think all adults and huge parts of life are boring.
And that their mothers/parents are the worst in the world and are are trying to ruin their lives!
One of my three was exactly like that, the other two weren't.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 19/07/2013 12:10

You said you've been single for six years? Is it possible DS1 has (consciously or subconsciously) taken the role of 'Man of the House' and feels threatened by the fact you're >gasp< the adult not him? It sounds as though he's bullying you.

Anyway to find out if this is for deeply rooted concerned reasons or mere teenage stropiness jealousy?

Either way, he cannot control your life this way and attempt to degrade you about sex. Allowing this will do him zero favours in adult relationships.

He needs a firm talking to, counselling (whether he likes it or not) before DP moves in. I say this not to be unfair to you, just because he sounds quite self-entitled and may make you/DP/DS2 very unhappy while he attempts to exert control.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 19/07/2013 12:12

To add on: Him mocking and attempting to humiliate you about sex sounds like he's already starting to get the Madonna/Whore idea in his mind. Stamp it out!

Ezio · 19/07/2013 13:53

i agree with Queen, if hes treating you this way now, then hes gonna treating other women like it.

You need to find out why hes behaving this way.

Viking1 · 19/07/2013 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thyeternalsummer · 19/07/2013 14:24

Difficult one this - agree your son isn't being very nice. But I remember really struggling when my stepfather moved in and then they had my halfbrother in quick succession. I was about 10 at the time, and prior to that it had really only been my mum and my brother. I didn't really say anything, but even now I can remember how frustrated I felt by it all. I didn't WANT a new brother or any of the changes. I remember feeling really helpless and just plain annoyed that my mother was making decisions that wasn't happy with - but there was nothing I could do about it.

Looking back as an adult, I can see it was selfish. And I developed a great relationship with my stepfather and new brother. But I don't think I could have seen that at the time.

With your son being 14, think the helplessness of the situation may be even more frustrating for him. If he's happy with how things are, then he's going to feel unsettled by changes to the status quo. Think the 'sex' comment may just have been designed to hurt you, as he feels you're being the selfish one. I said some terrible things to my mother as a teenager.

All I can say is that this is probably very difficult for your son, and despite how unpleasantly he may be acting, think he still needs a lot of compassion. At 14 he's still totally dependent on you, and it's going to be an unsettling change for him.

I really hope you manage to sort out a way for the both of you to be happy.

Twinklestein · 19/07/2013 14:53

I agree with Special Agent about the 'man of the house' thing.

All the time you were single you were your son's primary relationship and suddenly he's elbowed out (in his eyes).

If you had a best male single friend & for 6 years you saw each other constantly, one on one, & he suddenly he got new gf he invites along, you would know that this may change your relationship. You might, even as an adult, be concerned that you might lose the closeness you have. But as an adult you're aware that relationships can be flexible & adapt.

This clarity would be much harder for a child who doesn't know how adult relationships work.

He may be feeling quite lost, angry & worried, particularly as he has teen life to reckon with too - & from what you say about his past issues -he's obviously quite anxious. He may be terrified of losing the central relationship of his life & therefore is trying to hold onto you the only ways he can think of.

The Oedipal sex stuff isn't that surprising (reminds me of Hamlet); although it could also be an expression of disgust/fear about porn (which he's no doubt watching) and possibly & confusion as to what adult relationships entail.

I wouldn't go too hard on him for the moment - but use this as a flag to get to the bottom of his issues.

Personally I wouldn't have given him the choice about counselling, I don't know if it would be possible to make him go now, when you've given him the choice in the past. Does his school have a counsellor?

TheFallenNinja · 19/07/2013 14:56

Never negotiate with terrorists or teenagers. No good can come of it.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 19/07/2013 15:09

I agree with most on here.

You need to put your fut down with your DS a bit and show him who's the boss.

I agree with the poster upthread that said he should see his Dad and you should get some time away from him.

Also, at 14, I would be leaving him to himself a bit more - doing my own thing during a Saturday day for example, and setting him boundaries about when to be home.

Sounds a little like he needs some mor independence here, and that he may need a bit of a shove in this direction.

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