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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So happy, but think other people will say I'm crazy

82 replies

MrsSpencerReed · 17/07/2013 22:09

So... i'm a single mum to DS (3.4), and a full time uni student. Been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and on Saturday he proposed to me. I know he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, and the man I want to raise my son. So I said yes.

Should I care that other people are saying that it is WAY too soon, or should I listen to them. It's not like we're planning on getting married anytime soon (i've got 3 years until i graduate). So it's not like we are really rushing into it.

Opinions??

OP posts:

Doha · 17/07/2013 22:13

I met my DH and knew he was the one within weeks of meeting. We both agreed we would get married in the future.
So l dont feel you are daft to say yes but please just give yourself a bit of time to get to know him-warts and all- before rushing in to get married.

Congratulations

EBearhug · 17/07/2013 22:14

Are you waiting till you graduate before marrying? Can't see the problem then.

JaceyBee · 17/07/2013 22:15

Well, my humble opinion is...it's a little fast! Plus, quick engagement/commitment is often a red flag for controlling and abusive relationships.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 17/07/2013 22:17

None of us on the Internet can know if its a goer. Nor can you really after 4 months.

HairyGrotter · 17/07/2013 22:20

When you know, you know

I've been with DP for 5 months and we're both keen to marry! He's saving for a ring and we've got venue ideas!

Congratulations

bigstrongmama · 17/07/2013 22:20

Just an opinion: agreeing to get married to someone is a massive commitment, even if you are not planning on doing it soon...

I think it puts pressure on you to make the relationship work. Because breaking off an engagement seems a bigger deal than breaking up with a boyfriend.

I don't think it matters what other people think, what you think matters. You said yes, but would you have proposed to him if he hadn't? Are you sure you want to be engaged?

shrinkingnora · 17/07/2013 22:34

We got engaged after four weeks, married two years later and have now been married for twelve years.

Hotcustard · 17/07/2013 22:50

I have never really seen the point of long engagements, IMO it's more sensible to wait until you're in a position to marry and then spend a year or so planning the wedding. I personally would not have introduced my dd to a boyfriend so soon, but I know I was seen as overly cautious in waiting a year. Having said that, I know of relationships which have worked out after a bit of a whirlwind romance, though no children were involved in that case. It's very easy to feel 'sure' of a relationship in the early stages though - if I'd got engaged to every man I felt 'sure' about then I'd have gone through a lot of engagements/marriages by now!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 17/07/2013 23:01

Honestly? Every relationship I have ever had has been perfect for 4-6 months. Its very easy to get caught up in the romance of it all and think that this is the 'one'. In fact I did it with my husband of 13 years as well, luckily it turned out well with him (although I had no kids at the time).

However I think its too soon to have brought him into your sons life, unless you knew him well beforehand, but even if you did its too soon to be letting him have any influence over your son and saying you want him to raise him. Your son is probably still adjusting to your relationship without stepping it up another gear.

MadeMan · 17/07/2013 23:24

Only you can know if it feels the right thing to do OP, although you could ask yourself is it just because you are still swept up in your emotions of being in a fairly new relationship.

As you point out, there's no rush to getting married, some people can be engaged for years before they tie the knot. Having said that, engagement is a bigger step than marriage in many ways because it is the first step to fully committing to someone; marriage is just the expected follow up of that initial commitment.

pictish · 17/07/2013 23:30

Well I think it's too much too soon. Sorry.

I agree with what bigstrongmama - it puts pressure on to make it work against all odds from the very beginning.

Plus yes - fast commitment IS a recognised sign of a possible unhealthy dynamic.

I would never agree to marry someone after four months. No matter who, or what. And about that, I am absolutely certain.

pictish · 17/07/2013 23:37

Apologies...but I must ask...how can four months be enough time (even if you have been together 24/7) to feel confident enough in him, to hand over the privilege of raising your child?

I can't help but think of a friend of mine who did this. What an utter wanker he turned out to be.

Bogeyface · 17/07/2013 23:37

A fast proposal is no indication of abuse. A fast proposal followed by a fast marriage etc could be so no, I dont think that there is a problem here. My BIL propsed to my sister on their third date, theirs was a LDR and they got married 4 years later. They are still together 14 years of marriage later and in that time I did the traditional thing of 2 years dating, 1 year engaged, got married, divorced and remarried! They are still happier than I have ever been, and no abuse at all from either person.

Sometimes you just know that you have found the right person and want to commit to them. If you are not marrying for another three years then there is no red flag there. If he started pushing for an earlier marriage then I would ask "why?" but as he isnt, enjoy your engagement.

Congratulations :)

Oldandcobwebby · 17/07/2013 23:45

I proposed to Mrs Oldandcobwebby on the phone before we had even met. I had been given her number (told she was both very nice and also lacking a boyfriend). We hit it off so well, it was almost unreal. I would have trotted up the aisle the next day, given the chance! Nothing is too early. If you are certain he is "the one", just go for it. Good luck to you!

pictish · 17/07/2013 23:47

You see...that just blows my mind.

waltermittymissus · 17/07/2013 23:51

Too soon for your ds IMO.

bigkidsdidit · 17/07/2013 23:57

DH and I got engaged after 5 months, married a year after that. Four years and two DC later we are still very happy.

Our parents and friends were a bit anxious but once everyone met both of us and could see we were lovely they were happy. There was no putting is off, really.

However we disnt have any past history of abuse / running into relationships fast / misjudging things. Do you? Could you be ignoring red flags, is it somethjg you've done before?

pictish · 18/07/2013 00:00

I can't help but view this as a giddy gesture at best.
By the sounds of it, there will be no wedding until after graduation, three years away.
Why the rush to commit? You have all the time in the world, just being cool and stuff...hanging out, having fun. Getting to know each other properly. Four months is nothing in this grand scheme.

So a giddy gesture - well, why not?
Because there's a kid amongst all this giddiness, and he deserves his future parent vetted before his mum says yes...and four months simply isn't long enough. It's all very best behaviour at four months in.

For those who did this and have it totally work out...I am very pleased to hear it, but you were lucky.

More often than not, it's a rash decision that people regret. Imho.

thenightsky · 18/07/2013 00:00

Same sort of timescales for me OP. Been married 30+ years now.

BerkshireMum · 18/07/2013 00:06

We talked about marriage after 3 months, got engaged after 5 months and married a year after we got engaged. That was 14 years ago. Best decision he I ever made.

pictish · 18/07/2013 00:08

Did any of you who agreed to marriage within the first six months, already have children?

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2013 00:10

Please, please don't let him move in with you and your son until you've known him a hell of a lot longer than this.

newlifeforme · 18/07/2013 00:12

I think its too soon to commit to a life with this man when you have a child.I do wonder if others who posted about world wind relationships had children to consider.Even if you are not planning on marrying for a while you are making a commitment that will involve your child.

In my experience it takes 2 years to know someone.My dsd's mum has had many serious partners/marriages all of which were introduced too soon and as a result my DSD has suffered and now as a teen she is undergoing counselling as she struggles to develop healthy relationships.

SinisterSal · 18/07/2013 00:16

Too early to formalise things when a child is involved. You can't know somebody that well in this timescale - it's ll on best behaviour now. YOu need to see somebody at their worst before you can decide

LazyMonkeyButler · 18/07/2013 00:21

On my 1st anniversary with DP I found out I was pregnant with DS1. People told us it was "too soon", we were "too young" etc.

17 years on, we have been married very happily for 15 years and have three DC.

I knew from almost the moment I met DH that he was "the one". Sometimes you just know. However, not everyone ever gets that feeling - some people need way more time to be certain. No-one's wrong, no-one's right. Yes, of course, be careful - especially where your DS is concerned but good luck OP! And congratulations .

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