So happy, but think other people will say I'm crazy

[MrsSpencerReed]

So... i'm a single mum to DS (3.4), and a full time uni student. Been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and on Saturday he proposed to me. I know he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, and the man I want to raise my son. So I said yes.

Should I care that other people are saying that it is WAY too soon, or should I listen to them. It's not like we're planning on getting married anytime soon (i've got 3 years until i graduate). So it's not like we are really rushing into it.

Opinions??

[macuser]

I met my husband one night and the next night he asked me to marry him. I laughed and said no change haha. He did talk me into it and 3 months later we married, a small wedding at a registry office and we celebrate our 26th Anniversary this year. No, its not too soon, if its the right man.

[MrsSpencerReed]

Sorry for going silent. been away with work.

The opinions and stories on this thread have been very interesting, thank you... although the "personal inadequacies" comment was a bit harsh tbh.

We have no intention of living together any time soon, we both have lots of commitments where we are based now, and I wouldn't want to do that to my DS until he is old enough to understand.

My DS adores DP, and visa versa.

I will, of course, put my DS first (I am frankly insulted that it is suggested that i wouldn't).

I have never been married, and haven't had (or wanted) a relationship since DS was born.

You have all given me things to think about. Thanks.

[stepmooster]

newlifeforme - no one is going to know how a baby affects family dynamics until it happens.

I broke off an engagement once, I had been with him 4 years and we were very close to getting married. I lost a heck of a lot of money on the wedding and my true friends and family stood by my decision. They thought the guy a bit too controlling. I had lived with him 3 years and we never did discuss the 'big stuff' I discussed with my DH in the first few days of our relationship. It was a hard thing to do, but one that I am going to tell my children is something they should not be afraid to do. Divorce is a heck of a lot more traumatic!

Age is an important factor I admit, but I am willing to bet that OP already knows about how hard it is as a single mother. I think it's great she has found someone willing to commit to her, wait for her to finish her studies and be there for her and her son. Most men I know are massive commitment phobes and would probably walk away from the situation.

Like all relationships, it requires lots of careful nurturing and communication.

So perhaps the advice should be 'yes' it can work out, and has done for many people with or without children, but you need to involve your head, have endless boring unromantic conversations about the practicalities of being together and be prepared to encounter a lot of criticism along the way. Don't ignore the little voice in your head either, if you have nagging doubts listen and be prepared to wait a bit longer.

[newlifeforme]

I think once you are engaged and announce to your family & friends you do put pressure to succeed as there is emotional investment.

It is tougher to break off an engagement rather than boyfriend/girlfriend relationship esp if you have announced it publicly.Isn't the purpose of an engagement a public declaration that you are committed to each other?
No one knows if this relationship will work out, lots of factors cause relationship breakdowns but if you commit at 16 weeks its more likely to be higher risk.

Op, how old are you & your partner? Age isn't usually the best guide to wisdom but we certainly do learn more about ourselves and others when we are past our 20's.

I would say family background is important as your childhood experiences shape your relationships.

As a step mum I know how challenging life can be. Often the dynamics change when you have your own children and that's something the op can't know at this stage.How will her partner change if they have their own child..will her partner still be as committed to her son.

[stepmooster]

I still think if you are prepared to discuss and research what you are getting into then I don't think there is any greater risk of the relationship failing than if you wait a year or so and get to the same point.

Surely if you do discuss the important matters and keep your sensible head on you should be able to spot red flags.

OP is waiting until she has graduated until she is married and it doesn't look like they are going to be living together soon. So in some ways she they are not throwing caution to the wind

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Stepmooster, I think your story does sound lovely and you sound like someone who knows what she is doing.

I do think the op is rushing though. Many single parents (myself included) have already had one relationship with DC collapse - this might be due to poor choice first time round, so extra caution is perhaps required second time around.

We know the stats say 2nd marriages fail more often than firsts. I do think bringing up someone else's child is a massive commitment - and many of us woefully underestimate how hard it is - and I'm not sure that in the lust-fuelled first four months of a great relationship that you are best placed to decide who can do it well.

Having said that, I moved in with DH after 1 year and a half, (with DS) so I could be accused of hypocrisy!

[stepmooster]

Hi Pictish, Thisisaeuphemism referenced another thread about how some stepmothers wouldn't get involved with men with children if they knew what they know now.

I don't think it applies in this instance.

[SecondRow]

boomboom - Surely the op wouldn't have got engaged if she wasn't as sure as she could be?

She is as sure as it is possible to be after only four months. But what people are saying here is that four months is not long enough to be as sure as it is necessary to be, when imposing a life-changing situation on a child.

[Onesleeptillwembley]

After four months you want him to be the person to 'bring up your child'. If, as you say, you work with vulnerable children, would you use that reasoning at work? Would you condone it?
Frankly you're acting like a silly, irresponsible teenager. You must put the fact you have a child before your personal inadequacies.

[pictish]

What thread, sorry? I wasn't thinking of any threads on here.

I agree with your last post.

[stepmooster]

And for the record, if you are one of those romatic types who thinks love is all you need to see you through. Then yes your relationship is probably doomed, but it doesn't matter how long you've been together. If you're going to embark on marriage and just rely on love, then that way madness lies!

[stepmooster]

Yes I was on that thread. It mainly centred around disney dads and stepmothers being treated like domestic servants and unpaid childminders.

As I said upthread so long as you have the step-parenting discussion, as well as other nuts and bolts unromantic 'talks' and understand each other what is the problem?

I bet the stepmothers on the thread you mention were not all recently met/newly weds and had probably drifted into the circumstances they found themselves in without both partners really talking to each other about their expectations or doing any research on the matter.

Yes DH got together quickly but heads and hearts were involved in our decision to move quickly.

[AutumnMadness]

I don't know . . . My life story:
Husband #1 - five years together prior to engagement, divorce after 3 years.
Husband #2 - eight months together prior to engagement, still happily married, no sign of divorce.

Just make sure you use your head as much as your heart. Is he good with your child (what's his previous record with children like?), do he do his share of housework, is he earning, does he really show that he loves with you with his actions and not just words., etc.? Be cold and calculating.

[pictish]

I just cannot see how any temporary fireworks in the honeymoon period, could be worth the risk and the pressure?

[pictish]

No...it's not very difficult to get out of an engagement. However an engagement does put pressure on the relationship. It has been carved in advance, marked out.

There is also the external pressure of proving the naysayers wrong...along with the potential embarrassment of having to own up, if he does turn out to be a rotten apple.

But most importantly, you are essentially communicating to your new boyfriend, that you are utterly convinced by him, and that puts you in a very vulnerable position. It gives him an advantage that he really hasn't had time to earn.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I don't know the stats on that, but I do know there are many stats indicating problems in step families and on the step parenting thread here recently, many many step parents said as much as they loved their partners, and "they just knew" they wouldn't do it again because being a step parent is so hard.

I don't know why anyone with kids would rush into a committed relationship - I don't know why anyone would encourage them too.

[stepmooster]

Pictish My DH ex married her affair partner and moved him in straight after my DH left the FMH. They are still together and they had only been in a relationship for about 6 months prior, its now 4 years and counting.

In Op's case she is only engaged it's not exactly that hard to back-out of an engagement is it? Unless I am reading it wrong she has known him for longer than they have been in a relationship so not exactly a total stranger.

When I married DH I married him for life, as did my DH. Divorce is not something we take lightly.

I would say to anyone who has doubts, either after 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years that the person you are pinning your hopes is not the one for you.

Until it happened to me I never knew that it was possible to know straight away. But I bet most of the people who 'wait' will tell you I always knew he was the one for me. so what's the difference?

It would be interesting to see some actual statistics to back-up people's recommendations. Are people who marry earlier in the relationship more likely to divorce than say someone who waited 2 years?

[babyhmummy01]

IME it doesn't matter how long you have been together. Things can go wrong and people can change. I was with my exh 4 years before we got married and 6 months later he turned into an EA arse.

If you are certain he is right for you and your child (you should prob have included the info in you subsequent post in the op) then go for it.

[boomboomfirepower]

Surely the op wouldn't have got engaged if she wasn't as sure as she could be?

[pictish]

But you can't kill a lovely promising relationship just in case someone gets hurt.

Who is talking about killing a lovely relationship? It's not like getting engaged is mandatory is it...like the relationship will suffer because you're not engaged? There's no need for it! It brings nothing other than creating pressure!

Just in case someone gets hurt? That's the child you're dismissing there with your big oh well.
You have got to be as certain as you realistically can be, that this person is suitable to be around your child on a long term, in house basis!
Four months in a long distance relationship, isn't even approaching being realistically certain is it? It's just hearts and flowers and me me me.

Fine if you haven't got kids. Not fine if you do.

[boomboomfirepower]

Op I am in a similar situation. My family are very supportive of my engagement because we are not getting married until next year.

My fiancé has met my ds, and he would have met him the same amount of times if he was just my boyfriend not my fiancé. Once they have been introduced and know each other there will always be the risk that your ds will get hurt if it doesn't work out. But you can't kill a lovely promising relationship just in case someone gets hurt.

[TheWysticManker]

I married my XH one year after we started dating. If Im honest by then kind of knew it was not all it had initially seemed but I had too much invested (or so I thought) to back out.

Big mistake. After 4 months you cannot 'know'. You can believe and you ca hope, and you may be right (lucky). But you cannot know until you have shared time and experiences and the gloss has rubbed off

[ChasedByBees]

A long distance relationship is nowhere eat the same as being able to see each other on a frequent basis. If you've had an LDR for four months, actually, you can't have spent that much time together, surely?

I think if it was just you, I'd say go for it. But you have a son. Have you thought about how fast a change this might be for him?

Also, the engagement puts too much pressure on things - if he said, "I'm moving to your town, let's live together!" It would be more difficult to say no than if you're girlfriend/boyfriend, after all, you're planning to spend your lives together.

It all seems a bit teenage which you can't afford to be as a parent.

I also don't think that the fact he works with vulnerable children guarantees he will love your son and be a good parent. Only time can tell that and you owe it to you son to take that time.

[VelvetSpoon]

Pictish, I entirely agree.

And tbh, the dynamics when you are the resident parent are a lot different to the nrp, where a new relationship will often not impact much on a child who is only seeing that parent maybe once a fortnight.

[pictish]

And you know...I know of a couple of people who commited within the first six months, and are still happily together years on too! My ex being one, and a friend being another.

It doesn't change my view though. Pressing fast forward on the relationship button is not a decision born of common sense, or any consideration for the children that are swept up in the romance of it all.

Seeing mum happy three months in, doesn't make it all ok, when he turns out to be a self serving shit who can't stand the sight of them does it?