So happy, but think other people will say I'm crazy

[MrsSpencerReed]

So... i'm a single mum to DS (3.4), and a full time uni student. Been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and on Saturday he proposed to me. I know he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, and the man I want to raise my son. So I said yes.

Should I care that other people are saying that it is WAY too soon, or should I listen to them. It's not like we're planning on getting married anytime soon (i've got 3 years until i graduate). So it's not like we are really rushing into it.

Opinions??

[MrsSpencerReed]

We have known each other for a year, and has spent time with my DS for about 6 months (we both work with vulnerable kids... so in that way I know he's safe to be around my son). We have a LDR, and will continue to do so until after I graduate, so no rushing into moving in together.
i have had long term relationships before but I have neverI been this sure of anything.
I know lots of people have issues with introducing my DS to him but when you are a single mum (my DS has no father in the picture) with no family close by, how do you ever get to spend time with anyone???

[pictish]

Once again, those who agreed to commit to marriage in a very short time - did you already have children?

Because that's the crux, and all the we-got-married-down-the-phone-before-we-even-met stories won't change that.

You don't know. You can't know. Sometimes a gamble pays off. Often though, Mr Man of My Dreams morphs into The Stuff of Nightmares.

True story.

[SinisterSal]

well you might have to make the sacrifice if it impacts negatively on your son.

[SinisterSal]

Ok that sounded harsh. But. Your DS comes first, before any Captain Wow. If he really is the one for you taking it slow and careful won't harm what you have.

[pictish]

That's all fine OP. Good luck to you both...truly!

Look though - you asked. You wanted opinions. We're all different, and my instinct would be to absolutely avoid making any sort of commitment or promise so hastily.

It all sounds nice, but I'm not inclined to pat you on the back for doing something I really wouldn't.

I'm surprised actually, that someone who works with vulnerable children would be so lacking in common sense as to propose to a single parent four months in. Frankly.

[stepmooster]

Pictish, my DH had a 9yo son when we got together. As long as the couple who have decided to get together so quickly have discussed step-parenting etc of the child fromt he outset, and make steps to introduce the child to the step paretn slowly what is the issue?

In our case DH was able to move in with me and it made contact with his son a lot easier, there was now a bedroom that DSS could sleep in and his contact time increased.

Also I think children pick up on their parents happiness, and if the see their parents happy they don't feel like they have to somehow make mummy or daddy happy.

So many people drift into long term relationships without ever really knowing what the other person truly wants/feels. I have watched many of my friends go throught he mill with relationships, they meet someone, they date, they move in, but as soon as the lady wants to get married or mentions kids the bloke backs off and the relationship dies. It's a complete waste of time. We both knew what we wanted from the beginning, and it was really refreshing not to go through all that bullshit of worrying if I was going down a nother dead end.

My parents and even older generations got engaged, married and then moved in with each other. Seemed to work for them.

[pictish]

My parents and even older generations got engaged, married and then moved in with each other. Seemed to work for them.

Up until very recently, divorce was considered deeply shameful and something to be avoided like the plague. Many many people spent their lives embroiled in utterly miserable marriages with complete cunts, as the feeling was that once you had made your bed, you had to lie in it, so if you don't mind...I'll dismiss that.

The fact that it worked out for you, doesn't mean that bashing through the complexities od adult relationships like a bull in a china shop is a good or sensible thing to do!

I have no 'issue' with OP's relationship other than she has asked us what we think, and I think she has rushed into agreeing to marry someone she doesn't actually know all that well, when she has a kid to think about.

It's pretty simple.

[pictish]

And you know...I know of a couple of people who commited within the first six months, and are still happily together years on too! My ex being one, and a friend being another.

It doesn't change my view though. Pressing fast forward on the relationship button is not a decision born of common sense, or any consideration for the children that are swept up in the romance of it all.

Seeing mum happy three months in, doesn't make it all ok, when he turns out to be a self serving shit who can't stand the sight of them does it?

[VelvetSpoon]

Pictish, I entirely agree.

And tbh, the dynamics when you are the resident parent are a lot different to the nrp, where a new relationship will often not impact much on a child who is only seeing that parent maybe once a fortnight.

[ChasedByBees]

A long distance relationship is nowhere eat the same as being able to see each other on a frequent basis. If you've had an LDR for four months, actually, you can't have spent that much time together, surely?

I think if it was just you, I'd say go for it. But you have a son. Have you thought about how fast a change this might be for him?

Also, the engagement puts too much pressure on things - if he said, "I'm moving to your town, let's live together!" It would be more difficult to say no than if you're girlfriend/boyfriend, after all, you're planning to spend your lives together.

It all seems a bit teenage which you can't afford to be as a parent.

I also don't think that the fact he works with vulnerable children guarantees he will love your son and be a good parent. Only time can tell that and you owe it to you son to take that time.

[TheWysticManker]

I married my XH one year after we started dating. If Im honest by then kind of knew it was not all it had initially seemed but I had too much invested (or so I thought) to back out.

Big mistake. After 4 months you cannot 'know'. You can believe and you ca hope, and you may be right (lucky). But you cannot know until you have shared time and experiences and the gloss has rubbed off

[boomboomfirepower]

Op I am in a similar situation. My family are very supportive of my engagement because we are not getting married until next year.

My fiancé has met my ds, and he would have met him the same amount of times if he was just my boyfriend not my fiancé. Once they have been introduced and know each other there will always be the risk that your ds will get hurt if it doesn't work out. But you can't kill a lovely promising relationship just in case someone gets hurt.

[pictish]

But you can't kill a lovely promising relationship just in case someone gets hurt.

Who is talking about killing a lovely relationship? It's not like getting engaged is mandatory is it...like the relationship will suffer because you're not engaged? There's no need for it! It brings nothing other than creating pressure!

Just in case someone gets hurt? That's the child you're dismissing there with your big oh well.
You have got to be as certain as you realistically can be, that this person is suitable to be around your child on a long term, in house basis!
Four months in a long distance relationship, isn't even approaching being realistically certain is it? It's just hearts and flowers and me me me.

Fine if you haven't got kids. Not fine if you do.

[boomboomfirepower]

Surely the op wouldn't have got engaged if she wasn't as sure as she could be?

[babyhmummy01]

IME it doesn't matter how long you have been together. Things can go wrong and people can change. I was with my exh 4 years before we got married and 6 months later he turned into an EA arse.

If you are certain he is right for you and your child (you should prob have included the info in you subsequent post in the op) then go for it.

[stepmooster]

Pictish My DH ex married her affair partner and moved him in straight after my DH left the FMH. They are still together and they had only been in a relationship for about 6 months prior, its now 4 years and counting.

In Op's case she is only engaged it's not exactly that hard to back-out of an engagement is it? Unless I am reading it wrong she has known him for longer than they have been in a relationship so not exactly a total stranger.

When I married DH I married him for life, as did my DH. Divorce is not something we take lightly.

I would say to anyone who has doubts, either after 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years that the person you are pinning your hopes is not the one for you.

Until it happened to me I never knew that it was possible to know straight away. But I bet most of the people who 'wait' will tell you I always knew he was the one for me. so what's the difference?

It would be interesting to see some actual statistics to back-up people's recommendations. Are people who marry earlier in the relationship more likely to divorce than say someone who waited 2 years?

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I don't know the stats on that, but I do know there are many stats indicating problems in step families and on the step parenting thread here recently, many many step parents said as much as they loved their partners, and "they just knew" they wouldn't do it again because being a step parent is so hard.

I don't know why anyone with kids would rush into a committed relationship - I don't know why anyone would encourage them too.

[pictish]

No...it's not very difficult to get out of an engagement. However an engagement does put pressure on the relationship. It has been carved in advance, marked out.

There is also the external pressure of proving the naysayers wrong...along with the potential embarrassment of having to own up, if he does turn out to be a rotten apple.

But most importantly, you are essentially communicating to your new boyfriend, that you are utterly convinced by him, and that puts you in a very vulnerable position. It gives him an advantage that he really hasn't had time to earn.

[pictish]

I just cannot see how any temporary fireworks in the honeymoon period, could be worth the risk and the pressure?

[AutumnMadness]

I don't know . . . My life story:
Husband #1 - five years together prior to engagement, divorce after 3 years.
Husband #2 - eight months together prior to engagement, still happily married, no sign of divorce.

Just make sure you use your head as much as your heart. Is he good with your child (what's his previous record with children like?), do he do his share of housework, is he earning, does he really show that he loves with you with his actions and not just words., etc.? Be cold and calculating.

[stepmooster]

Yes I was on that thread. It mainly centred around disney dads and stepmothers being treated like domestic servants and unpaid childminders.

As I said upthread so long as you have the step-parenting discussion, as well as other nuts and bolts unromantic 'talks' and understand each other what is the problem?

I bet the stepmothers on the thread you mention were not all recently met/newly weds and had probably drifted into the circumstances they found themselves in without both partners really talking to each other about their expectations or doing any research on the matter.

Yes DH got together quickly but heads and hearts were involved in our decision to move quickly.

[stepmooster]

And for the record, if you are one of those romatic types who thinks love is all you need to see you through. Then yes your relationship is probably doomed, but it doesn't matter how long you've been together. If you're going to embark on marriage and just rely on love, then that way madness lies!

[pictish]

What thread, sorry? I wasn't thinking of any threads on here.

I agree with your last post.

[Onesleeptillwembley]

After four months you want him to be the person to 'bring up your child'. If, as you say, you work with vulnerable children, would you use that reasoning at work? Would you condone it?
Frankly you're acting like a silly, irresponsible teenager. You must put the fact you have a child before your personal inadequacies.

[SecondRow]

boomboom - Surely the op wouldn't have got engaged if she wasn't as sure as she could be?

She is as sure as it is possible to be after only four months. But what people are saying here is that four months is not long enough to be as sure as it is necessary to be, when imposing a life-changing situation on a child.