So happy, but think other people will say I'm crazy

[MrsSpencerReed]

So... i'm a single mum to DS (3.4), and a full time uni student. Been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and on Saturday he proposed to me. I know he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, and the man I want to raise my son. So I said yes.

Should I care that other people are saying that it is WAY too soon, or should I listen to them. It's not like we're planning on getting married anytime soon (i've got 3 years until i graduate). So it's not like we are really rushing into it.

Opinions??

[ImperialBlether]

That's very different though from moving in a man very quickly when you already have a son. It confuses a child who has already "lost" his father and it's inevitable he will see the new man as a father figure, just because of his proximity. What happens then if they split up? What happens if a few months later the woman falls for another man and he moves in? How many "fathers" does a child have to live with before he learns not to trust any of them?

[Bogeyface]

Granted, there were no children involved when my sister did this.

[pictish]

I think we can all be agreed that the child is key.

I don't think four months cuts it under those circumstances.

[NoComet]

DH proposed to me after six weeks and we knew from or first 'date' which started with me offering him a lift and going home three days later.

[Onesleeptillwembley]

FGS four months! You have a child to whom you owe some responsibility. Don't introduce him to your child yet, whatever you do. By all means play at a proper relationship but do remember your priorities.

[oracleselfservice]

I was engaged after 6 months married at 9 months after meeting. Still very happy together and 2 DC 5 years down the line BUT it was quite clear we did not know each other at all when we married and wr had a very steep learning curve in the first 2 years. So far its worked out but it was a massive risk and now having children there is no way on earth I'd even be introducing a new partner after 4 months. If it was just you I'd say, have at it - what's the worst that could happen? But with a DS... I think you're being extremely reckless. Extremely.

[Dahlen]

My father proposed to my mother within 6 weeks of meeting. They didn't actually get married until 2 years later though. I think that in some cases the connection and compatibility are so obvious that you just 'know' (assuming both people are presenting themselves genuinely, which isn't always a given as we know).

However, as everyone else has pointed out, there is a child involved here, which rather changes things.

I think children should meet a new partner (i.e. not date) relatively quickly to assess how they are likely to be with each other before you become so emotionally invested in the relationship that you start making excuses for things. However, that should always be done low key so that the partner is nothing more than just another not-so-frequently-seen friend of mummy's (i.e. no sleeping over, no putting them to bed, etc). I think anything that encourages the development of a strong bond should happen only once you know the relationship is a keeper.

You obviously feel that you are at that stage, and you may be right. Plenty of people will come on here to say they did the same and it worked out. Many more where it didn't won't post. Are you sure that the little voice in the back of your head telling you other people will think you are crazy isn't just your own subconscious telling you to slow down? IME people who 'know' they are doing the right thing generally don't care what others think.

[eccentrica]

oldandcobwebby proposing to someone you've never met???

great if it happened to work out for you, but are you seriously recommending that to other people?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sadly, I think 'whirlwind romance' is too often a recipe for disaster and, with a small child involved, you're taking a big risk. Suggest you listen to the people that think you should get to know each other better. Good luck

[ThePlEWhoLovedMe]

Personally I do not see any big deal in getting engaged after a short amount of time as long as you leave it a few years to get married. Engaged or not he is going to be in your sons life for the time being.

However, as someone said up the thread this type of behaviour can indicate abuse (being controlling) ...I would also tread carefully if you have ever been in a DV relationship.

[VelvetSpoon]

I'll give you the perspective from the other side.

When I met my ex I was a single parent with a ds aged 1.5, who had no contact with his father. Ex and I started dating, and I got pregnant (complete accident, I was just very fertile) within 6 weeks. Ex was hugely enthusiastic about the 4 of us, me, him, ds and the new baby, being a happy family.

The wheels started to come off after a year or so, and it ended with considerable physical and emotional abuse. It took me 7 years to get away from him, he still controls us (refuses to pay maintenance, won't agree to a financial settlement, has attacked and threatened men I've dated despite having a girlfriend of his own. Oh and washed his hands of ds soon after we split).

When I met him, everyone thought he was the nicest bloke. But honestly, you can't know someone after 4 or 6 months. It could be fine. But it could also go badly wrong, as my experience shows.

[stepmooster]

OP I worked with DH for 6 years, for same employer but not on a day-to-day basis. We must have had a handful of post work drinks (with others) before one day I literally realised I needed to spend the rest of my life with DH. We went on 2 dates, then DH went on holiday for 2 weeks. Both of us were so giddy with love we ran up a massive phone bill, and I couldn't eat a meal the whole time he was away. When he got back he proposed. I accepted. I took him to my dad's and DH had this very open and honest chat with dad. I don't know what DH said but my dad seemed ok with it! My dad told me that he had never seen me as happy in my entire life and he was so pleased. Even our boss who went flipping mental conceded after our DD was born that we were obviously happy and he was glad because we both deserved it. We both had personal family traumas to deal with in the years before we got together.

Owing to our ages we decided to go straight into trying for a family. One month later I was pregnant. When we told my dad my BIL had to pour him a stiff drink! We were married 5 months after we started our relationship. Our families were worried but now they can see we were right.

DH has a son and we didn't tell him straight away and let him get to know me first. DSS told DH he was happy to see his dad happy again. We have had no issues bonding.

We are now waiting for the arrival of DC2 and I don't regret a thing. I truly believe that I made the right decision and I just loved getting to know my DH when we were first married and setting up home.

I think once you know, you know. But in our case we did have lots of warts and all conversations so we had a fairly good idea about skeletons, financial habits, dreams, hopes for the future etc. I think it also helps that DH have been around the block a few times (!) And both of us had been in long term relationships before and we weren't Romeo and Juliet (more like their parents).

Good luck OP xx

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Whirlwind romances are fab-
Whirlwind "I know he is the man I want to raise my son"- Not so much...
It's good you are having a long engagement- your son deserves a considered decision not a rushed one.

[kinkyfuckery]

If it was just you and your dp. fair enough, crack on.
Involving a child? Too soon!

[teatimesthree]

Stepmooster - that is a lovely story.

[EllaFitzgerald]

My DH moved in about two weeks after we met for the first time and we were talking in terms of 'when we get married' almost immediately. We got married 12 months later and I've been lucky enough never to have regretted it. However, I didn't have a child to consider and things would have been completely different if I had.

Whether you're going too fast depends on so many things. How do you know his character? How long have you known him for? Have you seen his behaviour when he's been in other relationships? Is he on good terms with his exes?

[QueenofWhispers]

I met dh (we were 17 and 18 respectively)...after 4 hours of walking around and acting silly he asked me to marry him...we were faaaar too young to get married right away but we went back finished Uni and married straight away after.

I love him with all my heart; we've been together 11 years and married 7 (in August).

[stepmooster]

Thankyou teatimesthree. OP my advice is to have all the warts and all conversations now. Like, do you want more children, who is going to be breadwinner, how are you going to divvy up chores, what are each other's finances like.

DH and I gave each other open access to all bank statements and no questions were off limits. I actually think because we knew we wanted to be married we dealt with these issues straight away, rather than waiting 2/3 yrs down the line and wondering why I had another failed relationship on my hands. We made a very conscious effort to make sure our heads were involved as much as our hearts.

If you do all that, and start introducing your son to your STBH then I can't see what harm can be done? He doesn't need to know your getting married and its a few years off anyway. Lots of single mums start introducing boyfriends once they've been together for a couple of months.
One question though is the father still in contact with your son? If he is please remember your son's dad is the real father and needs to be respected as such.

[Twinklestein]

It would be fine if you were single, but 4 months is too soon as you've got a kid.

[RhondaJean]

DH and I were engaged six weeks after we met. W married within the year and had dd1 in our first year of marraige.

We celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary last month. Don't get me wrong it's not all been plain sailing but sometimes it's just right and you know it.

[tittytittyhanghang]

Sometime you just know.

[perplexedpirate]

The first time DH and I went out on a date (and snogged, and did the boink, all the same night ) I knew we'd be together forever.
7 years on, still going strong.

[loveliesbleeding1]

Hi dh and I got engaged after 1 month, I was 16, he was 19 , married after 3 years and have been together 21 years now, follow your heart.

[defineme]

I knew dh inside out as soon as I met him: it was like I'd always known him. He proposed after 3 months or so, but we didn't announce it for a few months after that. I had been out with a lot of twats, I kept waiting for there to be something wrong with him and there just never was.
We think the same about family, money, romance, morals... all the big stuff and I knew that within a few weeks.
If I had a child when I met him and he'd proposed, my response would be 'yes but not right this minute!'

[VelvetSpoon]

Its all very well saying 'you just know' etc. But realistically you didn't - you were just lucky.

I knew loads about my ex, he'd never been abusive before me. No way I could have known, other than over time, and it took a lot longer than 4 months for me to find out.

For all the happy ever after stories, there are plenty more unhappy ones. Tread very carefully.