So happy, but think other people will say I'm crazy

[MrsSpencerReed]

So... i'm a single mum to DS (3.4), and a full time uni student. Been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and on Saturday he proposed to me. I know he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, and the man I want to raise my son. So I said yes.

Should I care that other people are saying that it is WAY too soon, or should I listen to them. It's not like we're planning on getting married anytime soon (i've got 3 years until i graduate). So it's not like we are really rushing into it.

Opinions??

[stepmooster]

Hi Pictish, Thisisaeuphemism referenced another thread about how some stepmothers wouldn't get involved with men with children if they knew what they know now.

I don't think it applies in this instance.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Stepmooster, I think your story does sound lovely and you sound like someone who knows what she is doing.

I do think the op is rushing though. Many single parents (myself included) have already had one relationship with DC collapse - this might be due to poor choice first time round, so extra caution is perhaps required second time around.

We know the stats say 2nd marriages fail more often than firsts. I do think bringing up someone else's child is a massive commitment - and many of us woefully underestimate how hard it is - and I'm not sure that in the lust-fuelled first four months of a great relationship that you are best placed to decide who can do it well.

Having said that, I moved in with DH after 1 year and a half, (with DS) so I could be accused of hypocrisy!

[stepmooster]

I still think if you are prepared to discuss and research what you are getting into then I don't think there is any greater risk of the relationship failing than if you wait a year or so and get to the same point.

Surely if you do discuss the important matters and keep your sensible head on you should be able to spot red flags.

OP is waiting until she has graduated until she is married and it doesn't look like they are going to be living together soon. So in some ways she they are not throwing caution to the wind

[newlifeforme]

I think once you are engaged and announce to your family & friends you do put pressure to succeed as there is emotional investment.

It is tougher to break off an engagement rather than boyfriend/girlfriend relationship esp if you have announced it publicly.Isn't the purpose of an engagement a public declaration that you are committed to each other?
No one knows if this relationship will work out, lots of factors cause relationship breakdowns but if you commit at 16 weeks its more likely to be higher risk.

Op, how old are you & your partner? Age isn't usually the best guide to wisdom but we certainly do learn more about ourselves and others when we are past our 20's.

I would say family background is important as your childhood experiences shape your relationships.

As a step mum I know how challenging life can be. Often the dynamics change when you have your own children and that's something the op can't know at this stage.How will her partner change if they have their own child..will her partner still be as committed to her son.

[stepmooster]

newlifeforme - no one is going to know how a baby affects family dynamics until it happens.

I broke off an engagement once, I had been with him 4 years and we were very close to getting married. I lost a heck of a lot of money on the wedding and my true friends and family stood by my decision. They thought the guy a bit too controlling. I had lived with him 3 years and we never did discuss the 'big stuff' I discussed with my DH in the first few days of our relationship. It was a hard thing to do, but one that I am going to tell my children is something they should not be afraid to do. Divorce is a heck of a lot more traumatic!

Age is an important factor I admit, but I am willing to bet that OP already knows about how hard it is as a single mother. I think it's great she has found someone willing to commit to her, wait for her to finish her studies and be there for her and her son. Most men I know are massive commitment phobes and would probably walk away from the situation.

Like all relationships, it requires lots of careful nurturing and communication.

So perhaps the advice should be 'yes' it can work out, and has done for many people with or without children, but you need to involve your head, have endless boring unromantic conversations about the practicalities of being together and be prepared to encounter a lot of criticism along the way. Don't ignore the little voice in your head either, if you have nagging doubts listen and be prepared to wait a bit longer.

[MrsSpencerReed]

Sorry for going silent. been away with work.

The opinions and stories on this thread have been very interesting, thank you... although the "personal inadequacies" comment was a bit harsh tbh.

We have no intention of living together any time soon, we both have lots of commitments where we are based now, and I wouldn't want to do that to my DS until he is old enough to understand.

My DS adores DP, and visa versa.

I will, of course, put my DS first (I am frankly insulted that it is suggested that i wouldn't).

I have never been married, and haven't had (or wanted) a relationship since DS was born.

You have all given me things to think about. Thanks.

[macuser]

I met my husband one night and the next night he asked me to marry him. I laughed and said no change haha. He did talk me into it and 3 months later we married, a small wedding at a registry office and we celebrate our 26th Anniversary this year. No, its not too soon, if its the right man.