Son vs partner

[Confusedx100]

I have been with my partner for 7 years. I have one child, he has four, all late teens.

Recently, due to arguments at home my 16 year old son left one night after an argument. I don't want to go into too much detail as friends would recognise me but he has gone from living somewhere totally unsuitable to sofa surfing.

He is refusing to come home as he "hates" my partner. He feels he is always putting him down, too fussy and just does not get along with him.

I have retained links with him and he will meet me two or three times every week away from home.

During the time he moved out he did not attend school for his exams and will have lost his college place due to this. Myself and my parents have been supporting him financially (£50 a week between us).

During this time I had to take four weeks off work with stress. My partner keeps asking "if I feel better" as if all I need is a sticking plaster whereas in reality I feel bereaved, as if I have lost my only son, and knowing deep down he is going to go off the rails, having always been difficult.

My over riding thought is that I want to leave my partner and set up home with my son and try and get him back on track, go to college to get gcses. My partner went mad when I said this, he feels this is giving in to him and if I remain firm he will come home, however my son says he hates my partner and will never come home whilst we live together, but he would live with just me.

My partner is a good man, but yes he is fussy and makes a big thing out of nothing sometimes. He also expects us to live by his rules despite me and my son living alone for 9 years previously, ie tea at the table every night, if my son watch watching something such as family guy late at night my partner would turn over without asking etc.

I currently cannot stand being in the house, I do not feel it is my home, this worsens when my partners children are here as I feel as if I am "playing Happy families" when I need to be with my own child. This is unfair on his children as I do love them, and they have done nothing wrong.

I need courage to leave, I feel bad about hurting my partner but I do not really love him any more. It is more companionship. I just don't know where to start.

I did raise leaving with my partner so that I could go and get my son back on the straight and narrow but he went mad saying I was putting my son before him. To be honest that is what I know I should do. - he is a grown man, my son is only 16 living with people who don't really care about him, my son has no contact with his father so Me and his grandparents are the only family he has.

I guess I wanted to write this down, get other people's opinions and maybe advice on how to break this difficult decision to my partner, he keeps asking if I am feeling better, as if this is an illness I will get over - I feel bereaved and distraught and I feel if I don't do something now and my son ends up on the streets or an addict I will be forever thinking "what if?"

Just tell him. You don't get time with your son back if u mess this up. My son is at a special school and I feel bereaved I would do anything to have not taken him there as once in the system they become lost to you and its not easy to detangle them. But you are choosing this. Go to your boy the man being upset is nothing compared to choosing him over your boy and what missing the last of his young years will do to how he feels about you. Sound like your dp is relieved and hoping u will get over it soon. What if son doesn't come back? And u don't even love your partner what is stopping u is fear. I hope u find the strength to go to your son. I'm not being mean but time is running out your son won't always need you and want to live with you and sixteen year olds need somone to be there for them

If you don't love him anymore, then you don't.

I'm not sure all will be sorted with your son if you leave your partner.

What is your relationship like and how do you place yourself between the two?

In my world, children come first.

I don't know if this helps you OP.

I would also add that vacillating is not the answer. Sitting on the fence dithering, is a choice in itself. Time passes.

Please go to your son, don't delay!

I'm 38 now and if i didn't have my beloved grandma when i was 16 don't know where i would be,my "mother" always chose her "man" . It's your life but GO GET YOUR SON xx

Its a no brainer. Go and help your son. He's at a vulnerable period in his life and need your support regardless if your partner is right or wrong about the rules of the house.

Your son needs you now.

Now for the bigger picture. Does he have different rules for his children v. your son? When you moved in, did you and him agree to house rules for the whole family? Yes, you lived alone for nine years but when you move in and blend with another family, there's give and take about house rules.

Lastly, if this relationship has run its course, just leave.

Leave.

I cannot understand why you are still there.

You really must go and get your son. He is young and vulnerable and needs you. Your partner sounds like a complete arse, of course your son must come first.

Immediate answer is you must sort things out with your son ... But ... rules such as 'tea at the table ' are not necessarily that 'fussy' although changing channels on someone is frankly rude. So yes you need to put your son first, but I also think just based on your Op you need to let your son know there are rules to any household and he will have to abide by them. What the rules are of course you need to decide and at 16 he should have his say but you decide.

You need to put your son first, although he is nearly an adult the fact that you don't love your partner or life together means if you don't fix this now you are going to regret this forever when you do eventually split up.

Agreeing with deXavia, I think your partner needs to be told that your DS is having a crisis and that you're going to help him as a couple and not just let him disappear off the radar. In turn, I think your DS needs to believe that he has top priority in your life and that you and your partner genuinely love him. But he also needs to understand that being part of a family means compromising and not always getting your own way.

Switching channels on people is rude. Expecting the family to eat together in the evening is not. A lot of teenagers will find any constraints, however reasonable, unacceptable and fight with birth parents. Add the 'you're not my father' element to the mix and it's very difficult for everyone involved.

So I don't think you should split with your partner but I do think he has to engage with the problem and support you.

If you want to leave, but this may not be the magic bullet with your son. It is possible that your son is using your partner to excuse his behaviour and he may start using other excuses.

If your relationship is over, then leaving is the right thing to do, but it needs to be because you want to leave not because your son is having teenage issues. His situation may be a catalyst for action, but should not the reason for it.

If your relationship is otherwise good (and I can't say that you describe it in that way) then stay, and work through helping your son to find a solution to the issues. Perhaps family therapy?

Esssentially, you cannot use your son as your justification. If the relationship is over for you then accept your part of the responsibility for the adult decision to end it, and move on.

Sofa surfing, or any sort of life lacking stability, is awful. It is unlikely that anyone would continue it for a sustained length of time without there being a good reason for it. Of course, a 'good reason' for a 16 year old may not be a good reason for somebody else - it's all relative, but I think it's worth focusing on and asking him how things feel and not how they are.

Certainly you've got a tough choice and I sympathise but (without wishing to offend anyone) in my experience some of the saddest young men and women are those who are surplus to requirements; they were the products of first marriages or relationships, parents separate, parents move on and the child is left behind, with the parens each having a new partner and sometimes children they put before the child of the first marriage. This leads to a situation where no one puts the child first, really cares about him or tries to guide him, and it's hardly surprising when they go into adult life and make a horrible mess of it. Girls, in particular, are vulnerable to pretty sinister relationships at this point or to getting pregnant, wanting something of their own to love, except the cycle continues.

I don't think you're like that OP but unfortunately from your sons perspective he may well be thinking like that. After all, he has been homeless aged 16, he has not done his exams, he is messing up - why doesn't someone care enough to help, is probably the logic. I do worry that if you leave it much longer you'll have a difficult situation. If you loved your partner I would suggest renting somewhere small with your son,getting him through this difficult period - then reconciling when things are less fraught, but as you say you don't love your partner then more than ever your son has to matter here.

LTB and get your son. Personally i think any bloke who enters a household and starts to impose their 'rules' is a complete wanker. No wonder your son wanted to escape.

Your first duty is to your child.
Sounds like things have come to a head.
I would leave your partner.

Your son. If you dp really supported you he would be supporting you to do the right thing by your son. From what you have said his lifestyle is not particularly compatible with what you and your son want anyway.

Our son is 18 now and 15/16 were hard enough without the problems you have faced. They are boy/men - so grown up and yet so childlike. He needs you - he needs his mum, he needs routine, he needs love, he needs boundaries, he needs to be mothered - by his mother. So does your partner but he's a grown man and not of your blood.

Can't bbelieve you're even wondering about this tbh. Your son has to be your priority,he's not an adult. Can't believe you've let him sofa surf etc for so long.

You're doing the right thing OP. I can't go into detail as will put myself but someone I know was 'the son'. Always put your children first or the damage will be irreversible.
Wishing you all the best :)

Help your son. Tell your partner that you don't want to leave him (if that's true) but that you have to do all you can to help your son NOW. When you are clearer where things stand with your son, you can talk to your partner and decide about your relationship. If he refuses to listen, that tells you a lot. What would he do if it was one of his children?

Please, go to your son while there is still time. Your instincts are telling you this.

You can practise tough love while you're with him, if you need to.

Your partner comes across as worryingly self centred. He doesn't need you there, he can take care of himself.

Thank you for all the replies. When this first happened I exhausted every avenue I could think of - social services, police, targeted youth support, local projects to try and get him home. Apparently when you are 16 you do not have to go home if you don't want to, and there is nothing your parents can do about it.

My partners behaviour isn't that unreasonable - the tea at the table thing I mentioned because me and my son always had tea in front of the tv every Friday and talk about our week etc. when we moved in with my partner he acted as if this was the most slobby thing ever and was disgusting! He does treat my son the same as his children, but he does not allow for the fact my son has been bought up differently to his children and cannot be expected to act the same as them. My partner is not a bad person, but always seems to expect things done his way. My son and partner have never really "gelled" I guess although it has got worse as my son got older.

Practically, I can afford, just, to rent a 2 bed place. However I am on the mortgage here and contribute half to all household bills inc the mortgage. I don't know if my partner could afford to stay here without me so the house would have to go on the market. We gave been here 4 years, I don't think the house would make what we paid. My partner is quite mean with money, and always insists i pay half of everything, even though i only have one child and he had 4, and I wouldn't be surprised if he had some savings stashed away.

Emotionally I am a wreck, I feel like an empty shell, as if I am bereaved. I feel rejected and useless. I cannot stand to be around my partners kids, which Is unfair on them as they are good kids.

My partner is negative towards my son, the past two years he has been quite challenging behaviour wise at home and school. I too feel my partner is glad he has gone and it is just his kids.

For instance, I have tried to put a positive slant on the gcses saying he can re-do them at college, and he will enjoy the college environment as its different to school, and it's not the end of the world. My partner said something to me along the lines that he doesn't know why I bothering, my son will only drop out and end up doing a string of minimum wage jobs to finance cigarettes and booze.

I started reading this thread with a feeling of "teenage dramas, why should they be able to dictate adult relationships", but I have to say I am liking your partner less and less the more details you provide.

It isn't just about your son: it is about the fact that he disrespects you and the way you do things. What right had he to decide that your lovely Friday tea routine was slobby? When two people move in together it is normal that they compromise over the way to do things. Not that one person is right and tells the other person how to do it.

As for asking where the point is to support him through college, that is not only supremely uncaring about a young man who has his way to make in life: it is also totally invalidating your feelings as a mother.

Anyway, the other posters are right- your son needs you, go to him!

OK then your partner sounds like an arse. No parent gives up on their own child.