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Original poster

Son vs partner

52 replies

Confusedx100 · 17/07/2013 01:34

I have been with my partner for 7 years. I have one child, he has four, all late teens.

Recently, due to arguments at home my 16 year old son left one night after an argument. I don't want to go into too much detail as friends would recognise me but he has gone from living somewhere totally unsuitable to sofa surfing.

He is refusing to come home as he "hates" my partner. He feels he is always putting him down, too fussy and just does not get along with him.

I have retained links with him and he will meet me two or three times every week away from home.

During the time he moved out he did not attend school for his exams and will have lost his college place due to this. Myself and my parents have been supporting him financially (£50 a week between us).

During this time I had to take four weeks off work with stress. My partner keeps asking "if I feel better" as if all I need is a sticking plaster whereas in reality I feel bereaved, as if I have lost my only son, and knowing deep down he is going to go off the rails, having always been difficult.

My over riding thought is that I want to leave my partner and set up home with my son and try and get him back on track, go to college to get gcses. My partner went mad when I said this, he feels this is giving in to him and if I remain firm he will come home, however my son says he hates my partner and will never come home whilst we live together, but he would live with just me.

My partner is a good man, but yes he is fussy and makes a big thing out of nothing sometimes. He also expects us to live by his rules despite me and my son living alone for 9 years previously, ie tea at the table every night, if my son watch watching something such as family guy late at night my partner would turn over without asking etc.

I currently cannot stand being in the house, I do not feel it is my home, this worsens when my partners children are here as I feel as if I am "playing Happy families" when I need to be with my own child. This is unfair on his children as I do love them, and they have done nothing wrong.

I need courage to leave, I feel bad about hurting my partner but I do not really love him any more. It is more companionship. I just don't know where to start.

I did raise leaving with my partner so that I could go and get my son back on the straight and narrow but he went mad saying I was putting my son before him. To be honest that is what I know I should do. - he is a grown man, my son is only 16 living with people who don't really care about him, my son has no contact with his father so Me and his grandparents are the only family he has.

I guess I wanted to write this down, get other people's opinions and maybe advice on how to break this difficult decision to my partner, he keeps asking if I am feeling better, as if this is an illness I will get over - I feel bereaved and distraught and I feel if I don't do something now and my son ends up on the streets or an addict I will be forever thinking "what if?"

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 17/07/2013 09:26

This is a drip feeder thread. Partner is a controlling, tight fisted, petty wanker.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2013 09:29

Your son is extremely vulnerable and his friends could well tire of him sofa surfing. Not to upset you at all but he could ultimately end up on the streets if his situation does not change. You need to act, this young person is far more important than your self centered partner who has not treated your child the same as his own children. Some men do actually detest other men's children.

Has he really been a decent role model or stepfather to your son or would you just like to think that of him because it is easier to do so?.

Longdistance · 17/07/2013 09:32

He's a pushy fucker isn't he? If you want to leave, leave. And then go get your son and start again.

If you read back, it's stressed you out for weeks. That's not healthy. Your p has caused this. Never give up on your child.

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2013 09:32

Go to your son. You're not even happy with your partner, don't put him above your child.

Original poster
Confusedx100 · 17/07/2013 09:33

Sorry I don't mean to drip feed. I posted very late last night whilst feeling upset and struggle to put in words the things that my partner does which alienate my son. I also feel, from my partners side, my son has not been easy to live with either as his teenage years have been very difficult mostly due to behaviour issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedx100 · 17/07/2013 09:36

Atilla - that is what I fear most, he will become homeless, drift into crime due to lack of money.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2013 09:42

I'm sorry OP but I think you're right, there's a good chance he will start getting into dodgy stuff the longer this goes on.

Are there other options? Could you rent him a bedsit or shared room nearby? Even as a temporary option, so that he's safe.

wordyBird · 17/07/2013 09:42

Of course your son can go to college for GCSEs. It's a more adult and impersonal environment, and he might like it there.

He could find employment while waiting to go there (a permanent address would help with that).

Lots of things are possible: it's ok to take an unconventional route. It can help you respond more flexibly to setbacks in later life as well.

Your partner is not acting as a true co parent if he doesn't know why you're bothering. Nobody's teenagers are easy to live with...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2013 09:46

So you must act and as soon as possible.

I did not mention homelessness deliberately to worry you any more than you already are but this is now a distinct possibility. People who drift can get into difficulties very quickly.

There could be right and wrong on both sides but your man as an adult has handled things very badly over the years with regards to your son and your son feels left out. Your son has seen your man's own children in his eyes get treated far differently. Your partner seems to refuse to accept he has done anything wrong here with regards to your son.

On a wider level does your son have any relationship at all with his birth father?. If anyone needs decent positive male role models, it is your son.

nettlemummy · 17/07/2013 09:47

Hello

You know that you may not be able to stop your son from doing some dodgy stuff, dropping out, having a string of minimum wage jobs etc. No matter what you do this might happen.
What you can do it make sure that he feels loved and like he is worth something. Your partner sounds no fun by the way.

Parmarella · 17/07/2013 09:50

I think you should indeed put your son before your partner.

Sounds like your DP lacks sensitivity ( to you and your son)

Kids really need their parents at this age, I think, it s a hard age to be.

So sorry for you!

Dadthelion · 17/07/2013 09:51

My son would come first. Always.

Your son should come first in this situation.

Original poster
Confusedx100 · 17/07/2013 09:53

He has never had any contact with his father, by his fathers choice. He is much loved and always had been by our family, grandparents, uncle, wider family.

I looked into trying to get him into supported accommodation ie bedsit in a family home but I just couldn't afford it while I am living here and contributing. Also, i feel that whilst he is living where nobody has his best interests at heart or truly cares about him, he is unlikely to go To college in September.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 17/07/2013 10:26

Teenagers' behaviour is challenging, though. And I would wonder how much of your son's difficult behaviour is because of your partner's attitude. I think it's actually really sad that he stopped you and your ds from having your weekly catch-up.

Kaluki · 17/07/2013 10:37

Your partner sounds horrible.
Your son is crying out for help, he needs you and how you react now could affect his whole future.
Why would you abandon your son for a man you don't even love?
I think you know the answer here - please find the courage to do this for him. It will be a couple of years out of your life for which he will always be grateful.

Dahlen · 17/07/2013 10:40

There's another thread on MN at the moment about partners v children and who is more important. On that one I said that in the context of a loving family, the question should never arise on a daily basis, because you are supposed to be a team, not working in competition against each other. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are forced to choose one over another, the relationship has gone badly wrong. If your relationship with your partner was rock solid and he had your and your DS's best interests at heart, you would be looking to solve this problem with DS together, not being forced to make a choice between the two.

In your shoes, I would leave your DP and concentrate on my son.

NicknameTaken · 17/07/2013 10:45

Totally agree about going to your son. You may or may not be able to achieve an immediate turnaround in your son's situation, but the message you are providing to him is hugely important both now and for the long-term.

If your partner is at all decent, he'd understand why you have to do this. If he doesn't get it, he's not the person you want to be with anyway.

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2013 11:20

You said earlier that your partner expects you to contribute half even though you think he's squirrelling away savings.... so basically this is why you can't afford to rent a room for your son?

I think you should try to scrape together whatever you can to get that room for him, and if it means giving your partner less money tell him to do one.

I see your point that your son needs more than a room, he needs proper support -- and I do think you should leave and get a flat with him. But in the meantime, at least get him in a proper room, until you can sort things out.

Jan45 · 17/07/2013 12:03

It's no brainer, go live with your son, you can still carry on a relationship with your partner, if of course you still want one, it sounds like you don't even love him so why are you sacrificing a life with your son for that?

Your partner sounds like a bully and likes things his way even though you and your son have done things your way and should be allowed to continue with that. Your son is your responsibility so your partner should butt out of discipline etc unless of course he has to step in, then fair enough, sounds like he's been picking on your son for ages.

Your son is a child, he will end up in a bad way if you don't get this sorted, putting a bully before him is not the way to go - get organising how you leave and where you go, good luck, keep us informed.

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2013 12:51

My son and partner have never really "gelled"

Red flag right there, even if you loved your DP.

Your son has to come first. You're all he's got.

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2013 12:51

I just don't see what the problem is. He is your son. You can't abandon him!

Find somewhere immediately for you and your son. If it can't be done today, pay for a B&B for him. You have to get this sorted - it's not only your duty, you should want to do it.

Kleptronic · 17/07/2013 13:01

You are in a very hard place and no wonder you feel as you do. You are bereaved, the relationship with your son has broken down, and you've lost the one you thought you had with your partner.

It sounds to me that you know what you want to do, and that is get a two bed place and live with your son.

Take legal advice about the mortgage, but do what you seem to want to do, and be with your son. All power to you. Flowers

TimidLivid · 17/07/2013 13:50

Just take the steps sort out the stuff you need to do, get it arranged and once you have somewhere to go tell your partner so he can't try to stop you. Let your son know what you are planning. It is hard I do understand that's is like changing your whole life all of a sudden but there is not really another good option. Your son is the really the only right option. Have courage I hope u get your son back while he still wants to be with you

TimidLivid · 17/07/2013 13:52

Just take the steps sort out the stuff you need to do, get it arranged and once you have somewhere to go tell your partner so he can't try to stop you. Let your son know what you are planning. It is hard I do understand that's is like changing your whole life all of a sudden but there is not really another good option. Your son is the really the only right option. Have courage I hope u get your son back while he still wants to be with you

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 17/07/2013 16:15

Your son comes first.....e.v.e.r.y..t.i.m.e