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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel worn down,physicaly sick cant take any more

46 replies

redbull · 07/06/2006 09:06

where to start me and dp have BIG problems here is some things that has happened

1)dp went to pub 1st time without me for years i did not mind thought it would make us stronger, when he gets back he belittles me infront of friend and her dh
2)found out 3 weeks ago hed been phoning sex chat lines run up a bill for over £40 that then took us over drawn and bank charges of £38
3)just loged on to his computor and in the buddy list there is a womans name i dont know
4)went to the pub after work used the food money for it that was to buy me,him and ds a take away
5)didnt get back from pub till 7.30 been there since 4:30, although hed told me he was at work.
6)ds has ASD and having trouble at school he couldnt even be bothered to come home and see how ds got on at school(still hasnt asked)
7)threatend to "knock out" my family if they stuck their nose in
8)expected to be given £30 this morning to get fags WTF?????
9)ive told him to leave

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/06/2006 09:22

Oh you poor thing sounds like you are both struggling... what did he say when you asked him to leave?

overdraft · 07/06/2006 09:26

Oh redbull
So sorry you are going throught this.How old is he?

Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 09:39

he is 29, i just really hate all this how am i meant to live if i cant trust him with the telephone nor the computor??

Im not an angel but ive never done any of them things to him if i go out shopping he asks me are you going to pop to the pub for some lunch i say no i mean no he asks what time im coming home i tell him what time and am either home before that time or bang on time, ive never even flirted with another bloke all 9 years together, he yen tells me i will never find anyone else and what im most scared of is being alone for the rest of my life having no support with ds and just being unloved

OP posts:
overdraft · 07/06/2006 09:52

Has he alays been like this ? Sounds like you deserve better if he won't work at your realationship.You won't be alone and unloved.It is him making you feel like that.This is no good for you and if he won't improve you do need him to leave honey otherwise you will get lower and lower.No other person should make someone feel so low.He is not respecting you.Will he not go and get help?

Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 09:53

very very complacated over draft do you want to hear it all???

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/06/2006 09:59

Don't be scared if this relationship doesn't work out ( and it sounds like it's highly unsatisfactory at the moment) it doesn't mean you'll be on your own for the rest of you life.
There is life (and even love) beyond bad relationships I promise.

If he is only 29 then you must be young too, no?

But in the meantime do you think it's possible to go for couple counselling, somewhere like relate?

Have you looked at their website?

Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 10:03

he is a very private man (is he a man dont act like it) so think counsiling is out the question also with ds and his ASD he needs a very rigid routine and when hes not in sync all hell breacks lose so dont want that to affect him and in all honesty if we do split i dont think ds will ntice really as dp works long hours and when is home dont give much attention to ds.

im 25, 26 in oct feel a lot older though!

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/06/2006 10:07

Hey redbull you are so young!
Wish I was still 25!
I know you don't feel like it but life is what you make it and I really really think you have plenty of time to make your life the one you want.

His behaviour suggests he is unhappy, and you sound unhappy too. If you told him that it was either counselling or breaking up what do you think he would say?

Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 10:10

he would say fine but do anything ti wriggle out of out he would blame work, the weather,hes tired or as i hardly know or understand whats going on his head he could just turn round ans say fine im not talking about our business in front of a stranger

OP posts:
Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 10:14

oh can i add all this stuff happened within the last 3 weeks imagine years of this shitSad

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/06/2006 10:15

Do you think it might help you? Maybe if you go then he might follow your example? It also might help sort your head out about all this...
I find talking to a neutral person can be very useful when am at the end of my tether!

Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 10:20

with out it sounding big headed but i know im okGrin its dp that has a whole lot of baggage, he has a mental health condition so sometimes i wounder if hes going through a bad phrase but he refuses to see the doctor says hes all better now, i suffer from depression but at this present time with it being sunny i feel completly at ease and relaxed and my head feels straight

OP posts:
Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 10:21

when i mention his problems i feel as though im making excuses for his behaviour

OP posts:
KommandantColditz · 07/06/2006 10:25

I have mental health problems, so I feel I hae a right to say this.

It does not matter if he is bloody suicidal, it is not your problem. If he will not seek help, there is nothing more you can do. You cannot save him from himself, you can only make sure he doesn't drag you down too.

Mental health problems can make people difficult to live with but so can twattishness, and it is really hard to tell the difference sometimes. He could carry on like that forever and if he won't seek help, you will never know if it is genuine mental illness or pure twattishness driving his unreasonable behavior. Whichever it is, you cannot subject yourself to it forever.

bluejelly · 07/06/2006 10:27

I don't think it's making excuses, just helping to understand what is causing his behaviour

If you look back over the past nine years as a whole is his bad behaviour just a recent thing?

What kind of mental health condition does he have?

bluejelly · 07/06/2006 10:28

Agree colditz

Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 10:37

the whole 9 years have been 1 bad dream for the first year didnt notice it then i just kept telling myself it would get better then fell pregnanat with ds and thought being a daddy would really change him but it didntSad

he had a type of a nervous breackdown in november 2002, he was hearing voices convinced something/one was going to hurt me and ds and he was trying to protect us he took the light fittings appart convinced their was a video camera in them, people were following us all stuff and scary stuff like that but have to say not once through out it didi he ever try to hurt me or ds he thought he was protecting usSad

then he was on risperdrone/rispersral wich he stopped taking him self 6 months ago due to sleep problems on them, since he has come of them he has not acted any different.

his doctor said it was a pressure release from his childhood,he said for such a young age he has been through what most dont encounter in a life time. so he bottles everything up

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/06/2006 10:45

Oh redbull you have been through a lot haven't you? Must have been so scary supporting him when he was having his breakdown etc
You've done well to stick by him for so long...

I left someone with mental health problems, but not because of them, it was because he was selfish and unsupportive and unable to give me the relationship I wanted/needed...

But it was a v hard decision to come to cos I did love him

Do you still feel like you love your dp?

Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 10:48

thats what im finding so difficult i love him more than words can say, i worship the ground he walks on and when he is being the happy family man i couldnt be more happier, when i see him give attention to ds it fills me up with love, i just love him more than anything i cant picture my life with out him.

OP posts:
Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 10:51

have to say my first priority is ds then its dp

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/06/2006 11:01

I know how that feels, loved my ex hugely. When he was being nice he was perfect, everything i would want in a man.
The thing that I realised was that although his nice side was wonderful, it wasn't the whole picture, the real him had a rather nasty difficult edge....

I know it's hard to picture your life without dp but if someone gave you the choice of staying in the relationship you've got, or being happily in love with someone else (in, say, 5 years time) without those problems, which would you choose?

I realised taht I had to get out when I chose the latter...

Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 11:09

in all honesty i would chose the latter to but im really convinced that i would not meet anyone else, dont know if you know anything on ASD but ds really needs me and their is no way i could have a social life i cant stand clubs and got no nice pubs round here and i cant picture my self meetin some one in the que at iceland!!!!

all though i would chose the latter i dont know if i could leave/kick out dp just love him to much a nd love it when we are a HAPPY family

OP posts:
Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 11:19

this is going to sound really horrid now but you know what colditz said about attempted suicide about 2 months ago hed gone off some where after work (i call it his hudini acts, just completely disapears) when he came back he told me hed walked all thway to the fly over by us and contemplated jumping off when i asked him why he said id drove him to itSad and then he thought no im not going to let her win???

OP posts:
Original poster
redbull · 07/06/2006 11:49

i know this will sound crazy but i love him and want this to work i think im going to give him 1 last chance but how do i do it so he fully understands that this IS IT no more chances after this???

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/06/2006 11:57

I think you need to be convinced of it yourself. Okay so you love him, and he has problems, but that does not mean you have to tolerate bad behaviour. Sometimes love is not enough.

You are young, you sound intelligent and caring and emotionally mature

You have options beyond this relationship

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