feel worn down,physicaly sick cant take any more

[redbull]

where to start me and dp have BIG problems here is some things that has happened

1)dp went to pub 1st time without me for years i did not mind thought it would make us stronger, when he gets back he belittles me infront of friend and her dh
2)found out 3 weeks ago hed been phoning sex chat lines run up a bill for over £40 that then took us over drawn and bank charges of £38
3)just loged on to his computor and in the buddy list there is a womans name i dont know
4)went to the pub after work used the food money for it that was to buy me,him and ds a take away
5)didnt get back from pub till 7.30 been there since 4:30, although hed told me he was at work.
6)ds has ASD and having trouble at school he couldnt even be bothered to come home and see how ds got on at school(still hasnt asked)
7)threatend to "knock out" my family if they stuck their nose in
8)expected to be given £30 this morning to get fags WTF?????
9)ive told him to leave

thankyou so much for listening to me jabbering on bluejelly, its so nice to have someone to tell that wont judge me,
my mom said this morning at this rate i will lose them my family if i choose to stay with dp as they cant take how much he hurts me nad lets their grandson down

You may in desperation be trying to hold on to something that is just not there. You cannot save someone who does not ultimately want to be saved. Being a saviour or rescuer in a relationship simply does not work/

Have you ever contacted the NAS - the National Austisic Society?. They are very good and can give support with regards to your son.

yes im in contact with NAS and also my family are a great support with ds they adore him beyond words and do anything for him.
i just feel its me that allways keeping our head above the water with our relationship and money,dp isnt an alcoholic but does like his drink i truely beleave if it wasnt for me he would of been one by now

you can't be his saviour.

thats bad for a few reasons. he wont help himself - cos your doing it.
he will resent you for doing it
your potentially putting yourself in a role of superiority - which unbalances the relationship

and more

he needs tyo go and get help.
and if his family means anything ANYTHING at all to him. he will go and get professional help.

you need to step away. at the moment he is raging against the machine ( you) but you feel you have to be the machine to keep things going.

its not going to work like this.

Hey RB keep jabbering! Sounds like it's helping you sort out your feelings...
Great taht your family are able to support you and ds sounds like they will be with you no matter what your mum said she was probably just saying it to shock you into some kind of action.

I think you should seriously consider an ultimatum-- either he gets counselling to address his behaviour, or you will go for a trial separation...

Does that sound like something you would consider?

he blames me for the way his family is and he also blames me for not having any friends, wich neither is true his family are completely fucked up im convinced his mom sleeps with his uncle and thats just the start of it, his so called friends were DODGY, they did drugs some did/do illegal stuff, only rang him when he got paid one of them cracked on to me tried to kiss me 8 years ago when i told dp and he confronted hid friend he said he was joking and dp believied him.

these are not the sort of people i want in our lives

His mum sleeps with his uncle
You mean her brother, or her brother in law?

yes that does to be honest ive come to the end of the road now and its either 1 last go and give it all or call it quits, the other thing im worried about is money dp gets paid just under £300 a week and he has said if do split he will give me £200 a week wich i would be gratefull for but that is way to much how could a beer drinking, 20 fags a day bloke survive on that? but im scared that the £200 a week wouldnt be enough rent (housing assosiation)is £75 a week then their is the electric (on a meter)£ 20 a week food and toiletries £60 a week i smoke and enjoy 2 drinks a night its my reward for getting through the day with ds, ds dont understand the concept of money and will wants a comic/toy every time we are out (got issues with new things) there is no way i coluld survive

I know it seems scary but am sure there are lots of people on mumsnet who survive on £200 a week. There are some good money saving threads on mumsnet ( do a search) and to be honest from where I'm standing, being broke is better than being miserable...
Could your mum help out a bit financially for a while?
Have you thought about going back to work?

her brother im SURE of it , lets put it like this the brother has lived at home all his life is now 52 never had a serious relationship, dp mom moved back home when dp was 2 she is now nearly 50 since she moved back home all them years ago she to has never had a relationship, the first time i met them she was cuddling up to him on the sette when dp said this is my uncle i nearly died thought he was her fella!!!
over the years they have become identical in what they wear, i refuse to see them now but before dp mom confinded in me she was scared her brother would leave and find a woman, they are now moving down to cornwall(yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss)!!!!!!
un till uncles job is sorted in cornwall they have just rented a bedsit flat for 3 months as they sold the house , so where are they going to sleep in their 1 in the bath?????
completely fucked up

God sounds really weird. No wonder your dp has problems if his mum is sleeping with his uncle
Yeurch

they will use the loo when the other one is in the bath or shower as well

dp has got us in to a lot of debt and my mom and dad have bailed us out dont know if they would help me with it all to be honest

my god bluejelly this aint the half of it

Oh god you mean there's more?

their is shit loads his dad beening out of line talking sexual in front of me tellin me and dp what he likes, gods right to misscariages, the nan setting the dogs on me, dp mom shouting verbal abuse to me,slating my family, didnt want to know ds thereis loads of stuff i get really mad over it all

would you like a FAST run down of it all???

Small wonder therefore your partner has mental health issues if this is what he has been exposed to all his life. However, he is the master of his own destiny now and unless he seeks professional help you cannot help him.

Any financial settlement that he makes to you should be done on a formal/legal basis. Informal agreements can be too easily broken.

he goes on about not wanting to be in the spotlight but ive told himits you that makes these decissions and only you that puts your self their

1)his dad left when he was 2 after having an affair, dp and mom move back home to a 3 bed small house with in total 6 adults and 1 child their.
2)he can rerember his mom and dad having a tug over him
3)his grandad takes on the role of his dad and dp calls him dad
4)at the age of 12 dp mom gets pregnant by someone (prob her brother)and has a misscariage
5)when dp is 14 his grandad has 2 heart attacks and dies on the doorstep with dp holding him on the floor
6)dp family still to this day dont realise how that fuvked him up and didnt include him in their grieving process
7)at 16 decides to leave home the older uncle9who is oprob having it off with dp mom) beats dp up
8)returns home all is forgiven as he is home with his fucked up family
9)i meet dp and meet his family get a warm welcome from them!!!!
10)meet dp dad for the first time on his 21st(1st time in over 2 years dp seen his dad) we go to a little country pub for a drink, when dp goes to the toilet i get threatened by dp dad that i dont hurt him or cheat on him
11)at the time im only 17 and dp gets himself into 6grand of unsecured debt he then loses his job
12)dps family find out about debt his mom says she wished shed drowned him at birth, get a hitman on him, pay someone to beat him up wish shed terminated him, i get the blame for debt and my family get accused of having 6grands worth of stuff in the house
13)we split up his choice said he didnt want to bring me down with him
14)we get back together but im not allowed anywhere near the house if i do his nan will set the dogds on me and will stab me
15)have dinner plate thrown at me by the nan full of dinner
16)amogst all of this started doing his hudini acts
17)we have no contact with his family and move in to a maisonet together very happy
18)i fall pregnant
19)tell dp mom that impregnant she says aint intressted the nan accuses me of trapping dp, dp tells his dad he comes round to vist at beggining of pregnancy has a MC scare and he said it was god punishing you for doing wrong if you MC and you deserve it, then goes on to say he thinks his wife is having an affair as she has brought sex toys and the thought of another mans stiff dick up her hole repulses him, she has brought some sexy red lacy underwear that he likes touching and sniffing, i no longer want to see this man
20)on christmas day 2000 dp nan died, dp mom rings up as we are about to have christmas dinner and wants him round at the hospital
21)ds born very happy
22)we seperate ds is 8 weeks and i find out not even a week after we left he has another woman at the house to me thats cheating didnt even grieve for us
23)we get back together
24)we move in to housing assotion house he whole time stilldoing wpondery acts
24)ds falls ill with severe bronchilitus aged 4 months no one to take us to the hospital so dp rings uncle he arrives and says your mom said sorry she cant make it she hasnt done her hair(she hadnt even seen ds yet)
24)lose contact with them again
25)some very happy years
26)ds gets diagnosed with Autism,dp wants contact with family, i go crazy and get put on anti depresents, dp on his medication and dp mom and uncle dont recognise ds disabilities and laughed at dp illness and you know most of the rest

Oh redbull his family sound a nightmare

yes they are!!