what was your last straw? im strugglind to make the final step and leave him :(?

[theboiledfrog]

Hi there. Just reading a few threads on here (again). Im pleased but envious at the same time of people who actually manage to leave their emotionally abusive husbands and wondering if there was a last straw for those who gather the enormous strength from somewhere? My straws are never ending.... I want to leave, I need to for the sake of my health and my dcs. I dream of where we will live and what our life will be like. Ive had counselling which has helped. I know what help I would get with regards to tax credit etc. Ive read lundy......YET IM STILL FUCKING HERE

putting up with
being elbowed in bed
constantly criticised
Told everything I watch on tv is shite
Woken up when im sleeping
Having my face rubbed by his bare hands (god knows what that's about)
Him jokingly putting his fingers up my nose and saying piggy (reminded me of nigellea :-()
The kids telling me he shouts at them more when im out because im not there to defend them :-(
Listening to him curse from the minute he gets in to the time he goes to sleep.

Theres loads more but I feel like im waiting for a 'moment' if you know what I mean. Ive posted here and had some excellent advice im still here. Counselling helped but a big thing for me is how he will react. Ive been tying myself in knots thinking about 'the' conversation. If there is a way to minimise the fallout from him. But my counsellor said he will react how X reacts to everything ie kick off.

Sorry for the ramble just wanting a magic wand I suppose to make him vanish :-(.

What was your last straw?

I was lucky enough to go travelling, away from my abusive ex at the time and I got a taste of what life was like without him.

I also had a number of health issues at the time (stomach cramps, coughing, repeated illnesses) which all cleared up once I was away from the stress of the situation.

Broke up with him over the phone (not sorry about that) and never looked back.

Good luck to you. Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Obviously, the most dangerous time for a person is when they're thinking of leaving. Take care

I don't think I had one tbh, I just realised I deserved better and found the balls to finally pack my bag and leave.

Thanks turnip and mummy
Yes ive spoken to womens aid, they were lovely and helpful. Its the conversation with him im dreading. I dont want to hurt him and turn his life upside down. I know it will. He doesnt see anything wrong.

Mummy, I need those balls...pass them over :-)

Given that he's rubbing his hands against your face and putting his fingers up your nose - all nasty, physically aggressive things, if you're going to tell him face-to-face (and you're by no means obliged to, for you and your children's safety) then definitely don't do it alone.

Passing them over hun

Don't have a conversation, just tell him or leave a letter explaining and walk away.

I am in the middle of a very amicable separation, no EA at all. Your situation sound awful, I'm really sorry. :( I can only tell you that I think that once you leave him, you'll wonder what possessed you to put up with him for so long.
For me, I knew it was over when I imagined him with another woman, and I couldn't find it in me to care. I wondered if he was having an affair, and I just thought, I hope she's a kind woman and careful of his feelings.

Turnip, I really dont want to tell him to his face, but feel like I owe it to him. Married and 20 years together.
:-(

After what he has done u owe him nothing sweetie

I wouldn't tell him until you've move out. Get yourself and the children to safety and then tell him. I told my exh and we carried on in same house for a bit. Cue argument when he was drunk which resulted in a very serious assault and the police removed him. He did me a favour in a way (took me a while to see it that way) as part of the reason I hadn't left was his threat to seek residence of our daughter. After that he had no chance.

You can do this.

He's abusing you and your children. You don't owe him shit. Seriously, if your gut is telling you not to do it face-to-face, then don't - it won't kill him, though I'm worried for you.

Erotic - thankyou I feel the same. I would be pleased if he found someone else as long as she was nice to the dcs.

The final straw is usually the tiniest thing.

It's the extent to which they'll sink to get at us.

Know that of the HUNDREDS of women I know that HAVE left DV, not ONE of them ever regrets it, and every single child that is saved from DV situations blossoms within days/weeks.

What's it going to take until you save your children? The knowledge that the longer you stay, the higher the chance they have of repeating this in their own lives?

Make the move. We're here for you.

Thanks num (and everyone else) I know I can do it, I just need to believe it I think. I need to get over this paralysis. ...this invisible thing that is stopping me.

Read your original post back to yourself and imagine it had been written by someone else. Imagine how horrified you'd be. Imagine how you'd be screaming, "leave him!" at the screen. Now apply it to you.

Good luck.

Thanks hissy :-)
The children are my biggest fear and motivator at the moment. I can't shield them from it any longer :-(

Phal you are right I would be shouting leave. My counsellor asked me to reenact the rubbing face thing as if it were my mum and dad. It was horrible I couldn't imagine my lovely dad doing that to my mum.

I've been thinking this over lately, on paper the last straw would seem to be the time he smashed my laptop in front of me & the DDs. Really, the last straw came ages before, when I went away with work for 2 days and spent time with other people, away from him and away from home. He used to go away for work a lot but that wasn't the same, I was still in our home.

Still took two years to leave though!

Thanks Nora. I spend very little time away from home. I recently needed to visit an ill relative and needed to stsy overnight. It was the best nights sleep ive had in years. Says it all really doesn't it. I cant relax at home.

My last straw from EA-ex. I was crying in the bathroom (as usual) and suddenly looked myself in the eye, saw how unhappy I was, realised that feeling I'd wasted 10 years of my life was less terrible than leaving.

hte dc - "The kids telling me he shouts at them more when im out because im not there to defend them "

says it a;ll they ahve no choice unless you take a stand here

an ask yourself whre do you see yourself in five years time, in ten? when dc grown up? with him or without? if without - why wait ?

I think that sometimes film and TV leads us to think that it must all end in a final drama.

But, at the end of the day, you are in the relationship by mutual consent. If either of you want to end it, you can.

I don't think he deserves a conversation either. Especially if he's likely to be aggressive. Conversations and explanations are a priviledge you reserve for reasonable people. When faced with an immediate threat, you don't stand on ceremony, you act. Get advice, get support, make some plans and then leave him a note that you've gone. Good luck

my last straw was when I went to a music festival without him and heard music that made my soul weep with joy. I felt I had reconnected with a part of me that had been buried for years. I finished it 2 weeks later.

it was a real heart not head moment . I had known in my head for years it was over but I was not brave enough to do anything about it until my soul spoke, no, SHOUTED at me that evening.