what was your last straw? im strugglind to make the final step and leave him :(?

[theboiledfrog]

Hi there. Just reading a few threads on here (again). Im pleased but envious at the same time of people who actually manage to leave their emotionally abusive husbands and wondering if there was a last straw for those who gather the enormous strength from somewhere? My straws are never ending.... I want to leave, I need to for the sake of my health and my dcs. I dream of where we will live and what our life will be like. Ive had counselling which has helped. I know what help I would get with regards to tax credit etc. Ive read lundy......YET IM STILL FUCKING HERE

putting up with
being elbowed in bed
constantly criticised
Told everything I watch on tv is shite
Woken up when im sleeping
Having my face rubbed by his bare hands (god knows what that's about)
Him jokingly putting his fingers up my nose and saying piggy (reminded me of nigellea :-()
The kids telling me he shouts at them more when im out because im not there to defend them :-(
Listening to him curse from the minute he gets in to the time he goes to sleep.

Theres loads more but I feel like im waiting for a 'moment' if you know what I mean. Ive posted here and had some excellent advice im still here. Counselling helped but a big thing for me is how he will react. Ive been tying myself in knots thinking about 'the' conversation. If there is a way to minimise the fallout from him. But my counsellor said he will react how X reacts to everything ie kick off.

Sorry for the ramble just wanting a magic wand I suppose to make him vanish :-(.

What was your last straw?

When I realised I felt absolutely nothing for him - his appalling behaviour had rinsed out every last bit of fondness I had for him.

I think also the realisation that I was so scared of him that I'd written a note and was all set to go and stay with a friend rather than deal with it face to face.

Oh, and he was really, really unpleasant about my brother behind his back while he was staying with us, and nice as pie to his face. It was designed to test me to see how much I'd tolerate.

I too was scared of hurting him when I left; I laugh at that now because he was such an absolute cunt to me, and I just took it.

Very best of luck OP, just think of your kids and them having to endure this arsehole.

boiledfrog the fingers up the nose and piggy comment are from the film Deliverence with Burt Reynolds. Few guys on a canoeing trip unfortunately they meet woodsmen with weapons in a very rural location. One of the party is told to strip, get on all fours as the woodsman rides him on his back with his fingers up his nose and tells him to squeal like a piggy. The man is eventually anally raped.

Thank you everyone for all the replies. They are really helping me to think things through.
I have a supportive family and great friends so I know I will get through this. To answer a couple of questions I don't see myself with him in 5 years. The thought of that fills me with dread.

Kernowgal - there is nothing left in me to feel for him. Im just so downtrodden, sad and feel like a failure. Failure to have a successful marriage, failed in protecting my children, I even fail at leaving when I want to.

I think I do see PA as worse than EA I did leave for a short period of time when he dug me. He hasn't done it since but its as if he knows my level of tolerance now and stays just below it.

Mrsfiddymont - I didnt know that, I haven't seen the film

Thats awful.

I first asked my mum why she didn't leave my dad when I was 7. It took til I was 13 before she managed it, and that was because he took up a new job overseas and she wrote to him asking him not to come back, which he didn't. I can't help thinking, when I see the woman she has become (which is a lot more sorted and less meek than she was), that we would both have been better off if she had done it earlier. We both have terrible self confidence and security issues - I am quite sure as a result of this man's put down's and dominant character. Stop giving yourself the excuse of a final straw, and think of your kids and the adults they'll become. Get somewhere sorted for you all before you do the deed, make sure someone knows you're about to do it and will be able to check you are ok, and leave. The fact you are worried about how he will cope/ feel shows what a decent human you are. But this isn't about his wellbeing, its about yours and your children. Good luck, it will be the best thing you ever did.

boiledfrog, it is not easy to leave but it is not impossible. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, YOU REALISE THIS RELATIONSHIP IS WRONG AND YOU INTEND TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT....THAT IS POSITIVE. Apologies for the shouting but you are not failing, you are progressing.

Last straw? The realisation that I would never gain the self esteem to leave him whilst I was with him. The immense bravery and courage it would take. Get your support team close, grit your teeth and have a mantra eg. "my kids deserve better". Also found having some trite line to keep throwing back at him, mine was "I love you but not enough, you deserve better" any criticisms "your probably right" not agreeing with him but then again, not discussing this with you. Hope you find peace soon x

My last straw was sitting crying and hugging my 3 month old because I was afraid to drive to the next town to get a passport for him. Id left Scotland alone and came to the USA alone and did very well,and here I was afraid to drive to the next town.Was the turning point of my marriage when I realised just how low Id let him drag me

It took 6 more years for me to get out though. It was made bearable by the knowledge that I knew I was going. I had NO ONE here and was totally alone with 3 young children. I planned and schemed and researched. Luckily all was in place when,9 months before my chosen date to toss him out, he went for my son,I dragged him away by scruff of his neck and told him then and there it was over and to leave.Three months later he did and Ive never looked back.

Leaving him was the BEST thing I ever did.

I detached due to his possible infidelity and expressed a couple times over a year or two after that I wanted to split,it was also ea/domestic from the start (5yrs) the last straw was when he put his hands round my neck during an argument ,he didn't squeeze but the act and threat was enough.

I left with 2 days after(when he went out)leaving an email,though went back as he agreed to leave but took 2 months for him to go.

Just to add nearly 2yrs on I'm the happiest(the emotional scars are healed) I've ever been and my lg hasn't had to grow up in that environment.

I hope you gather the strength to leave do it any way you think you can,you owe him nothing.

Don't wait for the last straw,you don't know when it's coming.