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Original poster

Help my good friends dh made a pass at me

35 replies

40thisisit · 16/07/2013 13:03

Last week I went round to see him during the day as he is being made redundant and wanted help with his cv. My dh & I are really good friends with the pair of them and our 2 girls are best mates with their 2 girls. A couple of times over the years we've gone out as a 4 and he's had a lot to drink and has been a little flirty with me, I've always ignored and put it down to drink.
But last week I went round in the middle of the day and he said he'd really like to take things further with me, well bloody hell I just didn't know what to do, I just really thought he was a good mate and that was it. I obviously said no and he just thought it was cos I was scared of being 'rumbled' as he put it. I left pretty quickly and have felt sick ever since. I told my dh and he went ballistic and it's all I could do to beg him not to go round there. I really don't want my friend to find out as I know she'll be devastated. My dh now says he doesn't ever want our girls seeing theirs again and he wants me to tell my friend.
My heads in absolute pieces and I just want this all to go away. My dh is now being really clingy and suspicious about everything I do and I feel I am the innocent victim in this but am being tortured.
Just really wondered if you had any thoughts, is my dh being ott by not letting our girls see one another???

OP posts:

Jan45 · 16/07/2013 13:29

You nust tell her, if he does this to his wife's best friend, what else is he capable of - total sleaze that's what he is.

I would tell my friend for sure, get it all out, esp when you are feeling tortured, he's fucked up not you so tell her, she probably has a good idea what he's like anyway.

He's got some nerve like, and your OH is right to want to go round and knock him out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2013 13:37

I don't see how you can socialise as families with this little gem hanging over you and you'll probably have to tell your friend why you're not going out with them any more or it'll look like you're being unreasonable. As for the kids playing together, I think families have to stick together. They can meet up at school, no problem, but I can't see the atmosphere over play-dates (don't know how old they are) or sleepovers being anything other than awkward.

BTW... your DH wants straightening out if he's suspicious of you. Nip that in the bud. You were propositioned and insulted ... you didn't go round there batting your eyelashes.

Hashtagwhatever · 16/07/2013 13:42

Only option is to tell her. It will then be her choice to believe you or him.

Agree with cogito about the socialising friend will obviously want to know why you're all of a sudden distant.

What a bastard her h is.

Phalenopsis · 16/07/2013 13:42

Thing is, if you stop your children seeing theirs your friend will wonder what's going on.

Also, if you tell your friend and she confronts her husband he might tell her that you made a pass at him rather than the other way round.

So all things considered I'd tell her but be prepared to lose a friendship over this as I've seen the above happen before, I'm afraid. You shouldn't keep this to yourself as it looks as though you're the one with something to hide not him.

SisterMatic · 16/07/2013 13:42

I would tell her, but I would be worried they would 'shoot the messenger' so to speak

You have done the right thing by telling your husband. You have done nothing wrong. He was the creep, not you.

maleview70 · 16/07/2013 13:51

He will almost certainly turn this on you if you tell her.

It will become you who made the pass at him. Neither partner will be any the wiser as both will believe their own spouse. You will definately lose her as a friend.

Personally I wouldn't have told your husband.

I would have just told him that if he ever does that again you will tell both your husband and his wife and that your children will no longer be able to hang around together. That alone should have been enough.

It could get a bit messy now....

sodeveryone · 16/07/2013 14:03

Agree with maleview70 but now you've told your DH you have more limited options.

Allow your DH to go and have a word with him and let it all come out. It's that whole thing about how the longer after the crime you report, the less they think it affected you/allowed you to come up with an alibi.

Go back to him with/without your DH and tell him that you are not going to socialise with them until he sorts himself out. And that you expect him to explain to his wife.

Send an email to his wife saying "something has happened with your DH and he has offended me. My husband is upset and we cannot socialise with you for a while until your DH apologises. This is not to do with you and we like you and your DDs very much."

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/07/2013 14:05

I really do not like this: "My dh is now being really clingy and suspicious about everything I do"

smacks of victim blaming, and treating you like property, and it's not ok.

Original poster

40thisisit · 16/07/2013 14:06

I know it's bound to get messy, I think I'm glad I've told my dh (although a little part of me wishes I'd kept quiet and did what maleview70 said) and my dh was actually the one who said what if he says I did it! My dh does believe me but that doesn't help the situation overall. My girls are 13 & 10, my dh said def no to any sleepovers as he might make a pass at our eldest dd, I hadn't even thought of that :(. My 10 year old is desperate for her friend to come for tea this week and so far I've been making excuses but I also don't think it's fair that the children should have their friendships messed up cos of this idiot!!
If I was her I'd want to know what a prat my dh was but not only will it destroy our great friendship but it'll also cause big problems in her marriage. I don't bloody know what's for the best :(:(:(

OP posts:

Original poster

40thisisit · 16/07/2013 14:08

HotDAM yes totally agree, he can't go on questioning my every move. Am hoping it's just his way of temporarily dealing with it but I won't let it continue

OP posts:

HardlyMotherTheresa · 16/07/2013 14:09

I think you are over reacting. The poor man has just lost his job and is clearly feeling down and not thinking straight. Write it off as a bad misjudgment, never mention it again and move on. Friendships are too important to lose over something stupid. He probably regrets it already.

Having said that, avoid being alone with him for a year or two until he gets over it. Don't tell his DW - they have enough troubles already - why would you add to them when nothing actually happened?

I agree with maleview that you should not have told your DH as it makes the whole situation more awkward and it IS ok to recognise that, whilst married, you are not one and the same person.

HardlyMotherTheresa · 16/07/2013 14:12

Um, making that comment about your oldest DD is out of order. A married man making a pass at a middle aged woman does not turn him into a paedophile.

You are right that telling your best friend will only cause her trouble in her marriage. It is surely better for her NOT to know (different if her DH had actually HAD an affair, maybe, but actually you can't possibly know whether this was a rash moment that the man would instantly have gone back on and would have come to nothing).

Not nice for you though, I can see that. You need to be brave here.

specialsubject · 16/07/2013 14:13

be glad you aren't married to him. And be worried about who you ARE married to as he evidently doesn't trust you.

BurtNo · 16/07/2013 14:14

Well i think Maleview and MotherT are being harsh on 40 - its impossible to act natural after something like this and keeping secrets and acting out of character will damage your own relationship, so i think she has doen the right thing

and i can't believe that MotherT thinks redundancy excuses attempted infidelity

Orchidlady · 16/07/2013 14:46

OP what a horrible thing o suggest that this man is a sexual predator of children, just because he made a pass at you. I think you are being hysterical. Fwiw I also would have given him a ticking off but told him if anything happened again I would tell his wife. Too late now though.

pictish · 16/07/2013 14:55

He's an arsehole for sure, but not quite sure how that equals him being paedophile??

I don't think you should have told your dh either. Now the shit is going to completely hit the fan!! You've bizarrely already got him down as a child predator as well now, so you're obviously not averse to a bit of needless escalation are you??

His poor wife. Her husband's a cheat.

RaisingChaotic · 16/07/2013 15:20

The OP is calling him a paedophile, it was her DH who said it, the OP said it hadn't even occurred to her. I don't see why she shouldn't have told her DH. It's not something I'd feel comfortable not telling my (hypothetical) spouse/partner, especially as the creep could very well have lied and already told his wife that the OP had come onto him just in case she does tell his wife.

pictish · 16/07/2013 15:58

my dh said def no to any sleepovers as he might make a pass at our eldest dd, I hadn't even thought of that

The frowny face at the very though tells me that she agrees with her hysterical dh.

Phalenopsis · 16/07/2013 16:02

Agreed. There is a Grand Canyon sized gap between being unfaithful or propositioning a woman and abusing children.

I think the OP's husband is so angry he isn't thinking straight on that one.

Orchidlady · 16/07/2013 16:08

raising I appreciate her DH made the comment but she was quite happen to believe it a possibility. So man makes a pass at woman of presumably near his own age, automatically he now a child sex offender.ffs. By blowing thing our of proportion she has potentially wrecked their marriage and ruined the kids friendships. I personally would have told him not to be a complete twat!

ageofgrandillusion · 16/07/2013 16:10

Just tell his missis and have it all out.
Your husband is being an idiot btw, no need to be so possessive, is he insecure or something?

Dahlen · 16/07/2013 16:16

I agree with Cogito. You're now in a situation where you have to put your DH straight and tell your friend about her DH. It's up to her to decide if his actions are those of a desperate man trying to prove his virility in the face of redundancy or a total sleaze ball.

sittinginthesun · 16/07/2013 16:18

This happened to me once, although my friend's husband was drunk. It was a genuine pass, though, and he remembers!

I told him to piss off, and later told my DH, who laughed.

Never mentioned it to my friend, as I just couldn't see what good it would do. I know she knows what he's like (don't think he's actually ever had an affair, but lots of strip clubs etc), so it wouldn't be news.

We're still all friends.

maypoledancer · 16/07/2013 16:29

Totally ridiculous re the dh's comment. So this guy fancies his wife. So does he, presumably... doesn't mean his daughter isn't safe with HIM, does it?

I would never have told husband, really escalates the situation, not a good idea at all.

I certainly wouldn't tell the friend.

Someone made a pass at me at a party a while back. Not nice, but I kept schtum, why cause problems?

OP's friend's husband is a dick but so is hers, totally.

Orchidlady · 16/07/2013 16:31

sitting exactly right. This also happened to me with one of my very good friends DH, kicked him right into to touch and told him to have more respect. Never tried again and never mentioned to friend, I did tell my DP but knew he would laugh it off. Friends DH was also going through a difficult time with job an illness. I could see no benefit to telling my friend, like OP our kids are close. There always a good chance this could all backfire. This happened several years ago and we are still friends

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