Overly Sensitive or in abusive relationship?

[losingmyself48]

Bear with me - new to the forum and first time poster. I have no idea what most of the shorthand is - so for this one, anyway, I'll have to write everything longhand.

Back story
Married 16yrs (2nd marriage for me, 1st for him) -together 19. I've 2 children from first marriage, one with him. Gave up a lot to be with him.
He has affair with girl 10yrs younger - denies, denies, admits (after nearly 2yrs (decides to admit on the day my mum had a quadruple bypass operation and I was heading 250 miles away to look after my dad who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer...nice) - ended it, says sorry but nothing much else changes.

He looks after himself (fitness wise, eating etc) and just lets say, I'm 48 and no Kate Moss (although I would say, still attractive but a little on the padded side - size 14/16)
He makes comments, gives me looks, judges me a lot, is fairly negative, critises me for tiny little things - last night when watering the garden for instance - I managed to unravel the hose wrongly, water wrongly and put the hose back wrongly!
I am, as a friend of mine calls me "a high powered business woman" so I'm sure I can manage to water a garden :0
Anyway, I keep being told that I am being overly sensitive to the comments - that I shouldn't take things so personally - but lately I have noticed that I am beginning to second guess him and his reactions - and then try and change my behaviour accordingly - this has scared the life out of me. Its so not me....hence my username.

On Saturday, we were out a local show and I had a roast beef bap. He commented that it was "massive" and "you couldn't possibly eat all that!" with a voice that suggested I shouldn't - so I did (even though I was a little on the full side). Later, totally unprompted, (not talking about food/weight/diet or eating - in fact I was reading a book with my back to him in the garden) he says (verbatim) "I used to feel sorry for you and think that you couldn't eat very much without gaining weight -but I've just realised that you have the body and shape you deserve, and always will have, as you eat an awful lot really"

He knows the weight button is a very sensitive one - the girl he had the affair with was very skinny, sporty etc.

So, long story - but am I being over sensitive -or is he an arse?

He's an arse. He's unapologetic to the point of contempt about the affair & he's critical, petty, patronising and insulting, deliberately using your sensitivity about your weight against you. If a stranger in the street came up to you and said the things he said, you wouldn't think they were being friendly ... you'd probably punch them on the nose.

If you're second-guessing and changing your behaviour the you're being manipulated through this emotional bullying. It's unpleasant and it's unacceptable.

I expect you were very glad to get him back after the affair initially? However, now you know you got the booby-prize, I think it's a case of 'we need to talk'. He starts treating you with genuine respect or he can pack his cycling shorts and bugger off....

He is an arse. He is emotionally abusive, a cheat and a bully. I'm astonished and it makes me very sad that you have to even ask. You are not the problem, he is!

He's an arse. The comments sound very much like they're to undermine you and chip at your self esteem.

I am 48 and a size 14/16. It really does affect me and I can't look in mirrors or have my photo taken. I also have very high powered job so not much time to go and do formal exercise.

My DP is a gym bunny but he never not once made any comment negatively about my weight. If I mention it he has suggested helping me with an exercise plan but only after I've I've asked him to.

No you're not being over sensitive and I would have thought if he has had an affair and wanted to sort sort things out he should be grovelling and eating humble pie not constantly undermining you.

Do you want to stay with him??

Tell him you are built for comfort, not speed.

He's an arse

He's riding high with confidence from that affair with a younger woman, isn't he?

Seems he didn't quite have the balls he needed to leave.

He is an abusive bully but he seems to know which sidehis bread is buttered. I'll wager the younger woman couldnt financially uphold her end of the bargain like you clearly can. She's nowhere near as acomplished as you.

If he's making you feel like a silver medal, maybe its time to talk brass tax with him.

Blimey - thanks for taking the time to read the story and reply. I am feeling quite teary...and grateful. Love the "pack his cycling shorts and bugger off" comment - made me laugh. Thanks cogito x

FelineFurry - that's the million dollar question isn't it. I think, yes, but for the wrong reasons. As I've been married before, its starting to look careless on my part (hence the questioning really) if I manage to screw this one up as well. I know how upset other people would be and the main reason, its that I really don't want to put our daughter through what my sons went through when I divorced first time - and I know that her seeing/hearing this stuff (although, in fairness, he is clever enough to do it when others aren't around - he's charm personified in public and can be very loving to me when I'm being "good" (my word, not his!))

Your replies have given me the courage of my convictions to at least stand my ground and see how he responds. I've sent him a link to verbal abuse that I found on here - we'll see what he says, if anything.

I would basically just echo what everyone else has said.

Do you still love him? How long did it take you to 'forgive' the affair? Or have you? Personally, I could never forgive an affair. Only because I could never stop worrying that they were either comparing me to the person they had the affair with, which it sounds like your husband is doing, or that quite simply, they'll do it again with someone else.

He has no right to be judging you in any way. He's in the wrong, on every level.

Sorry why isn't a size 14/16 sexy? I have a very hourglass figure, I don't dress like a sexpot but don't dress in sacks either and regularly get asked ( they are not welcome comments) by men for sex. So my body size surely suggests that a 14/16 is not sexually unattractive unless you have a particular fetish for stick insects or you consume to much porn (unless you actively seek out larger porn)

Isoscelesnorks - I agree with you - I think that attractiveness is more about who you are than the body that carries you around - but my OH clearly thinks differently I guess. I would say, he is obsessed about how he looks - and maybe, he thinks I should be a more attractive accessory to hang on his arm.

He's an arse.

Telling you about the affair on the day of a major family emergency looks like a way to get the spotlight firmly back on himself.

You're not 'screwing up' the marriage, he's doing that by having an affair and being verbally abusive.

If you are considering your responses and not able to be your spontaneous self, that's a big red flag in itself.

hes an arse.

not trying to pry but why didnt you kick him out when he had an affair? does he maybe now think you allowed him to have an affair(by not kicking him out) and he can use/abuse you as he likes as you are going to accept him whatever he does?

Lets hope your DD doesn't pick up any negative body image problems from her darling father.

Peggy - I have no idea. I think it was the timing to be honest. My mum was ill, my dad was going to die - my family didn't need me adding to the trauma.

I totally agree with what you are saying - that he now thinks he's fireproof - if I can get away with that....there's nothing she will put a stop to....I could see how he might think like that.

We did go to counselling together - him only after I had been on my own for months - and things did get a little better but I find it very hard to forgive him when he appears to be making very little effort to help me heal - quite the opposite really.

I'm scared of being seen as a failure - that I can't keep a relationship together but am I going to let me pride get in the way of my self-respect and happiness??? That's the big question and only I can answer it.

He sounds like a right arsehole. Hth.

Mixxy - I have been really worried about exactly the same thing. He does comment on what she eats - mostly to me and not to her - but I have found myself telling her not to tell him If I've let her have a McDs lunch or something - because I don't want the lecture about how bad it it.

Fortunately, she is quite active - but does love her food so when she is on school holidays, she does put on a bit of weight - which comes off again as soon as she is back at sports clubs. He does comment on that though which I have told him is not normal and is quite worrying. In no way would she even be considered overweight - just less "toned" than she would have been when doing her exercise.

Your questions are all making me realise that I am being a total muppet!

You're not being a muppet! You are a people pleaser. You are too good to your family. You couldn't deal with the hurt of his affair because you had to pit your parents first. You won't divorce him because it would hurt your daughter. You wouldn't divorce him because you still feel guilt about how your boys were upset about the first divorce.

Time to put yourself first.

Stop using other peoples hurt or potential discomfort ahead of your self respect. Tell him if he is so concerned with what you eat he needs to stop feeding you a shit sandwich.

Good post Mixxy.

I don't think you should be considered a "failure" for the breakdown of a relationship after 16 years. Although people can be very judgemental you really need to put yourself & your family first above what people think. I agree with the others regarding your DH getting away with the affair but I have seen it a few times where a man almost sets about destroying his wife's self esteem in order to justify his own behaviour. So if he was thinking about leaving (even subconsciously) but knows that he would be "wrong" to do that, he could be undermining her to the point that he can say to himself " no wonder I'm leaving, she's so dull/fat/boring whatever. Best of luck,

After lurking on this forum for a long time I've learned a lot about the good and bad in relationships. There are so many intelligent professional women who were/are in abusive relationships, myself included.

We put so much time and energy into trying to make the relationship work and feel ashamed when it fails. Wrong, this is not your fault, you gave it your best effort and intentions, it is your husband who is the failure who should be ashamed of his disgusting behaviour.

Focus on your happiness and well being and that of your DC. If it means that your marriage comes to an end, then so be it. Hold your head up high and look to a brighter future.

" I think it was the timing to be honest. My mum was ill, my dad was going to die - my family didn't need me adding to the trauma."

Being cynical, I suspect that's exactly why he chose to tell you. Knowing you were already on the ropes emotionally, he timed the announcement gambling that you wouldn't want the added hassle of separation. That makes him a calculating man as well as a cruel and selfish one.

Just to say. There's nothing wrong with being a size 14/16 if you're happy with yourself and I'm not and from the OP says neither is she.

For me it's nothing to do with being 'sexy' or being attractive to men. My partner seems to love me the way I am I just don't love myself.

Anyway back to the OP. As other's have said you're not screwing anything up. It's him. He seems to be very manipulative. Is he deliberately trying to engineer you into leaving him so he can put the 'blame' on you for the marriage break up??? It seems the case if his nasty comments are all in private.

If you do want to continue in this marriage you need to do some straight talking with him and/or relationship counselling but you're the only one who can make the decision as to whether you think it's worth it???

Good Luck. I hope what ever you decide makes your life better than it is.

OMG what a horrible man, so when he has his next affair will he say: well you're fat so what did you expect me to do????

Please do not let him bring you down any more, you're a size 14-16 which is a lovely size, how a woman should be, nice and curvy.

What is so great about him like? What is he doing for you? If it's just pride forget it, folk won't be as upset as you think, your self esteem and what you think you are worth is more than having to tell people you've kicked the arsehole out.

This isn't really about your size OP. This about being married to a vain, self-obsessed idiot who is, if you let him, turn your daughter into an insecure wreck.

I speak as someone who has a father like your husband and I've had years of eating disorders to put up with. You need to get away from him for your daughter's sake if not for yours.

Phalenopsis, I think you're right. I really don't want my daughter thinking that this is how all men are. My dad adored my mum and was always telling her how amazing she was etc etc so I guess I learned that men treat you well which is why this is so difficult.

Jan 45 -Thanks for posting. Physically he looks good and to the outside world he's very charming and is to me when it suits him.

I'm gutted that I've invested so much in him only to be let down. To be shown to be such a poor judge of character.

Interestingly I spoke to him this morning about the hose incident. I said "were you aware that yesterday you corrected me when I took out the hose, when I was watering the plants and again when I put it away. I'm a very capable woman and I think I can manage to water plants without supervision" . His reply -"well you couldn't work out how to turn on the hose (its new) so you're not as capable as you might think" ARSE

"well you couldn't work out how to turn on the hose (its new) so you're not as capable as you might think"

So he wants to keep you 'in your place'. Says it all for me.