Overly Sensitive or in abusive relationship?

[losingmyself48]

Bear with me - new to the forum and first time poster. I have no idea what most of the shorthand is - so for this one, anyway, I'll have to write everything longhand.

Back story
Married 16yrs (2nd marriage for me, 1st for him) -together 19. I've 2 children from first marriage, one with him. Gave up a lot to be with him.
He has affair with girl 10yrs younger - denies, denies, admits (after nearly 2yrs (decides to admit on the day my mum had a quadruple bypass operation and I was heading 250 miles away to look after my dad who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer...nice) - ended it, says sorry but nothing much else changes.

He looks after himself (fitness wise, eating etc) and just lets say, I'm 48 and no Kate Moss (although I would say, still attractive but a little on the padded side - size 14/16)
He makes comments, gives me looks, judges me a lot, is fairly negative, critises me for tiny little things - last night when watering the garden for instance - I managed to unravel the hose wrongly, water wrongly and put the hose back wrongly!
I am, as a friend of mine calls me "a high powered business woman" so I'm sure I can manage to water a garden :0
Anyway, I keep being told that I am being overly sensitive to the comments - that I shouldn't take things so personally - but lately I have noticed that I am beginning to second guess him and his reactions - and then try and change my behaviour accordingly - this has scared the life out of me. Its so not me....hence my username.

On Saturday, we were out a local show and I had a roast beef bap. He commented that it was "massive" and "you couldn't possibly eat all that!" with a voice that suggested I shouldn't - so I did (even though I was a little on the full side). Later, totally unprompted, (not talking about food/weight/diet or eating - in fact I was reading a book with my back to him in the garden) he says (verbatim) "I used to feel sorry for you and think that you couldn't eat very much without gaining weight -but I've just realised that you have the body and shape you deserve, and always will have, as you eat an awful lot really"

He knows the weight button is a very sensitive one - the girl he had the affair with was very skinny, sporty etc.

So, long story - but am I being over sensitive -or is he an arse?

Honestly, you shouldn't even be having conversations like that with your OH, it sounds so nasty. Try really shouting him down next time he has a go at you, see if that helps, it might actually make him realise that you are not going to put up with any more insults.

" To be shown to be such a poor judge of character."

It's not as simple as that and, for all you know, all these people who he turns his charm upon could actually be thinking 'oily creep'. When you're in a long-term relationship with someone you love and there's a bit of give and take involved, you feel obliged to overlook the small stuff. Even when something big hits like an affair, there's a lot of pressure to maintain the status quo 'for the kids' or 'through thick and thin' or, as I read recently relating to prostitute-using, alleged rapist Eddie Shah 'we've been together too long to start again'. (That from his wife)

All that matters is that you've woken up and judged his character now.

Not as clever as you might think?

Kick his buns of steel to the curb. If your daughter has to keep what she eats secret, and he speaks down to you, what happy family are you maintaining and at what cost to your pride?

In these circumstances I don't think you can easily forgive someone if they don't show adequate remorse and from what you've said it doesn't sound like he has (in my opinion) he sounds like an arse. If he starts treating you in this way in front of your daughter/you start changing your behaviour/confidence in yourself I think you should leave. Someone once told me whatever you accept for yourself, your dd will accept for themselves or worse. It scared the bejesus out of me!

Losingmyself: don't even consider what other people might think, it's irrelevant. (Most people won't care & the ones that do are awful). The only thing that matters is what is really going on between you two & the affect on your daughter.

Having had a father who constantly judged my mother's appearance, mine & my sister's, and made awful comments, you'd be doing your daughter a massive favour by getting away from him.

I'm too lazy to get an eating disorder but I did grow up terrified about my physical appearance, and determined to be slim. It's awful to grow up with, because it seems to confirm that the most negative of media messages about women are legitimate.

Now, at 29 & married to a man who is the complete opposite to my father, I can see the vein of misogyny for what it is.

^ effect not affect.

I meant to ask: have the negative comments increased or has he always been this much of an arse?

Sounds like he might be trying to get you to dump him.

Twinkle, right at the beginning of our relationship, he was charming, witty, funny, thoughtful - all the stuff you kind of expect when someone is putting their best face on.

When we got together properly (living together) I noticed more of the negative comments - often not so much directed at me but just general negativity and nit picking. He is one of those guys who has a lot of rules about everything - where stuff goes, what gets done when, and likes to stick to what he knows - he calls it self-discipline, I call it anal!

I really don't think he's trying to get me to dump him - his life is too comfy and his financial future is far more secure with me in it than not (and he is like a man possessed with money and long term planning). I just think he is totally lacking in any kind of empathy or understanding of the impact of his behaviour. He always looks bewildered if I pull him up on it - like he has no idea what he has done - or why I might be upset. I did at one point wonder if he had Asbergers syndrome - and maybe he is on that spectrum, who knows.

His family background was very dysfunctional - controlling father, victim (alcoholic) mother - and so maybe he just hasn't had the role models to teach him the right way to behave and he is living his parents marriage - which, by all accounts was awful.

That said, he is now a grown man and makes his own choices - I tell him the impact he's having - and he seems better for a bit, then slides backwards.

Thats what makes this all so difficult - when he's good, he's very very good and all that.....but his being awful is getting more frequent and I think I am getting more intolerant and less willing to let it go.

Sorry for the long post again...its just nice to be able to share with someone as no-one else knows about the affair or how things are. We are very good at presenting the happy family face to the world. x

If someone criticised me with a hose, they'd look like a drown rat . Please do turn the hose on him.

He should be remorseful and quite frankly he sounds far from it, he just sounds arrogant.

Time to think about what you want. Friends and relatives don't live your life. YOU do.

He sounds so like my dad - I recognise it all: the negative comments, the lack of empathy, the 'bewilderment when pulled up', the rigid rules, sticking to what he knows, the 'self-discipline' (fatness is a sign of lack of this in my father's book)... and indeed we are now convinced he has Asperger's.

I found a detailed test on the net, and obviously you can't diagnose anything from that, but he scored surprisingly highly. I've since read up on it, and even if he wouldn't clinically be diagnosed with it (I've no idea), it's helped me to understand him much better.

That whole issue aside, I wonder if he feels like your H felt made a sacrifice in giving up this affair of his, & he's brooding over what he feels he's given up/missing out on (a total illusion) & it's causing him to be negative about his life with you.

Do you really think financial security is a key aspect of his reason for staying?

By the way, bugger presenting a 'happy face to the world' that way madness lies...

Hopasholic - I really, really wish I had thought of that - but do you know, I don't even think I would have done had I thought of it. :(

Twinkle - thanks for that reply. Was your dad very charming outside of the home though and other people wouldn't necessarily have known about "the dark side?"

In answer to your question about the affair - I would say not. He ended the affair (OW confirmed this) a good 2 years before telling me. (although therein lies another "tale" - during that time, I was bombarded by phone calls from her - clearly the woman scorned - which were pretty nasty. When I told him about them - he dismissed it all as "odd" - even at one point asked me "are you sure you really get these calls - you haven't made it up have you?") He could have stopped them, but didn't. There were other things that made me suspect - actually more than suspect but he kept denying it over and over again. Even took my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes and said I was being paranoid.

Financial security is his absolute No1 value. No question. I earn a lot of money - he "earns" off the back of what I do - so without me, he would have no income (although he can go back and get a proper job) - I would be absolutely fine, financially. We have a nice house, car blah blah blah - just a shit marriage. From the outside, it looks like we have it all. Far from it.

I've been out most of today - couldn't stand being around him. When I have been here, I've been mostly been getting the "silent treatment" - apparently his dad did the same routine with his mum and it could go on for weeks - he's not that skillful at it yet. Anyway, I said to him - "seems like everytime I call you on your behaviour, I get the silent treatment" - he just walked away half way through me speaking. Ignorant ARSE.

wiggly, as I pay for all the food in the house - that's not really an issue - I can just buy some more. Nom nom...

I have to say I agreed with the posters who ask why are you staying in this relationship. I was also in a long marriage which broke up when i found evidence of first one and subsequently a number of affairs. Like you I was a high earner (I even used to joke that he only wanted me for money) and I think it is hugely significant that he only "fell in love" with one of his OW after I was made redundant and therefore not worth keeping.

My STBXH also systematically destroyed my self confidence by going on and on at me about my weight (thereby ensuring that comfort eating became my default setting) and it is only now that I am some time out of that relationship that I realise how low he brought me and how abusive that relationship was. In thirty years I don't remember him ever complimenting me. How sad is that?

I am a very strong person too and I worked like mad for 18 months to keep our marriage together post discovery (he didn't), but gradually I realised that everything had to revolve around him (he is also absolutely charming to other people who think he is fun and wonderful) and that I wasn't prepared to do that any more. I remember thinking "Surely a relationship should make life better not worse" and that was a revelation.

Life on my own with the children is so much better and I can finally be myself without someone disapproving of me. I love it and I suspect you will too. The first step - stop hiding the affair for his benefit and preserving the myth of his wonderfulness. I told all our friends and relatives and it was one of the best things I did. Out of that grew the fantastic female support network who saw me through the worst times. I can honestly say now that I have more friends than I ever thought I did and that life post marriage is a whole lot better than life in it.

And BTW I am also a size 14-16. Strangely, once I escaped my marriage no-one else cares! I don't want another serious relationship, but it's very good for the ego to find you don't have to be a stick insect to get plenty of offers.

Life is good once you make the decision to put yourself and your DC first. I thoroughly recommend it!

OP, to quote a great classice of MN:

Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there ...fuck off some more.

Size 14-16 is fine size. Do you tell him how you always felt sorry for him because of his small penis, but now you realise he's really just a skinny prick?

One of the many, many reasons I ended my second marriage was because I found myself telling my dd not to tell xh2 I was letting her have a banana before bed. I get hungry in the evening, I eat, but he was so rigidly controlled into only eating at mealtimes, that this was an issue. I did not want to make it an issue for DD, I want her to recognise when she is or is not hungry. But it was more the hiding something to keep the peace, when I was in my own home, dd was in her own home.
I'll not bore you with the other reasons. Maybe I am thick-skinned, but I do not feel a failure on the marriage front. Just thankful that I got out, because looking back, it was actually pretty bad. If people want to think I have failed, fine, I am happy to congratulate them on their success. We are all good at different things. Choosing men and sustaining a marriage is not my forte.

You wouldn't be the failure in your marriage ending, he would. He is doing all this. Why stay with someone who is nasty to you?

Leave. Kick him out.

Thanks folks - you are really helping me see that I am not being overly sensitive and that there is something very wrong indeed.

This morning, he tells me that I need to "stop with the character assassination of him" - when I asked him to explain - he said that I criticised him for were about his character (eg. saying please and thank you to me, being a bit more thoughtful, being less negative and a bit more positive) - and that he "only" ever criticised things that I was doing - and that pointing out that I was overweight because I ate an awful lot wasn't a criticism, just an observation.

Apparently, asking someone to treat you with respect and dignity is a character assassination - but simply pointing out that someone is incapable of doing even the most mundane of tasks without help or supervision is ok.......I'm outta here.

FlorIxora: Loving the "Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there ...fuck off some more. " made me laugh but very much how I am feeling.

3mum - I'm so glad things have worked out for you. I hope they will for me too. You might be right about telling folks about the affair - although I think I was protecting me (can't even keep my husband faithful as I'm so unattractive) rather than him.

I just need to get over myself really - it will be yesterday's news very quickly and I'm sure that my family will be more concerned about me than they are about me leaving this man.

My ex was like this - it was acceptable to spend hours (no exaggeration) listing my faults. Being overweight was one of them. I still am overweight - a size 14/16 - and I'm not happy with it and fully intend to do something about it, in fact I already am, but in a fitness way rather than a losing weight way.

However, I've now met a lovely man who thinks I'm wonderful the way I am. The first time he saw me naked I could've crawled up my own arse I was so embarrassed and ashamed but he was amazing. I think it's made the difference to me about wanting to lose weight 'for someone' and wanting to be healthier and fitter 'for me'. Because my 'someone' now accepts me for who I am and what I am. I no longer have to change anything about myself.

For what it's worth, my ex was abusive in virtually every way. I'm well off out of it and my dcs are happier too. We're working through the damage he did and we'll get there one day, but even now we're happier.

My family were all relieved. I thought I had it all covered. I thought I managed to hide everything. They knew, they worried. When I left my mother cried - because now she could stop worrying

Ah bless you - and I'm so glad you have moved on and got someone who just loves you. I take heart from your courage. x