Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Close friend not coming to my wedding

60 replies

TapDancingPimp · 14/07/2013 23:04

That's it really, I'm pretty devastated, gutted, generally feeling awful about it.

I don't have a big circle of friends (pretty small actually) and her not attending has really hurt Sad

She broke the news to me last night - apparently she booked a holiday and 'forgot' the date of my wedding (she regularly uses a diary for work etc and on top of that I posted her a 'save the date' card.) There wasn't really any more discussion about it. I sat there shocked, embarrassed while she explained it had all been paid for and that's that.

I dunno why I'm posting in here really. Sympathy I hope Smile I just don't know how to handle it. She says she still wants to come to the hen and will 'still get me a present' (like that's what really matters to me! Hmm).

I consider her a really close friend but the feeling obviously isn't mutual.

OP posts:
BettyandDon · 15/07/2013 08:32

I'm quite saddened by the posts who think its no big deal, but I think it's a sign of the times.

Are you going to call her on her behaviour? Tell her you are upset?

The reason I had no bridesmaids was I felt I could not rely on anyone.

I just think 'do as you would be done to'. You made a huge effort for her various do's and did not get the same treatment back. That is what is so poor in her behaviour IMO.

pictish · 15/07/2013 08:56

I'm really yeahbutnobutyeahbutno about this one.

I can imagine how hurt you feel. You have the close sort of relationship where you are excited and involved with her big events, because you care about her. You assume the same is true the other way around, and it's a blow when you realise it isn't.
I have been there. I was really heartsore about it.

On the other hand, what flipchart says is also true of me...I'm not one of those that views a wedding as the be all of everything. I am also shit with dates. Entirely my own fault due to flakiness...but never malicious.

I think it's fair to say that unless you are really lucky, there comes a point in your life when you have to accept that your big events are of far more interest to you than everyone else.
Maybe you have invested more into the friendship, emotionally speaking, than she has.

I don't see that this makes her a bitch necessarily, but it's hurtful for you. You'd never have booked a holiday on her wedding, and you can't quite believe she has done so on yours.

It's one of those horrible things about life that makes you wonder...but there's no alternative but to swallow it, and decide how to proceed with the friendship.

BackforGood · 15/07/2013 09:02

Not sure how it's a sign of the times BettyandDon - I missed weddings I've been invited to 25 - 30 years ago, because I couldn't make it work around holidays or whatever. thirty years before that, weddings were much smaller affairs anyway - usually just immediate family and usually people who all lived locally. It's an invitation to the day. I like weddings as much as the next person (and clearly a LOT more than a lot of MNers from some of the threads I see on here) but ultimately it's an invitation, not a command.

The reactions of a few posters on here are completely out of proportion.

pictish · 15/07/2013 09:04

Yes...it is...it's an invitation, not a summons. I do agree with that.

eccentrica · 15/07/2013 09:10

you are overreacting. your wedding is only a big deal to you, not everyone else.

but then I would think that, according to some posters on this thread - not married so stands to reason I must be green with envy Hmm

ArbitraryUsername · 15/07/2013 09:20

You are about to get married and it's top of the things on your mind right now, but it won't be top of your friends' minds. That doesn't mean that they don't care about you, or that they aren't your friends; it just means they are living their own lives.

What's probably happened is that she has been juggling work commitments and discovered a week (or two) where she has a window of opportunity for a holiday and seized it. Only afterwards has she realised that it coincided with your wedding. Just because something is in your diary doesn't always mean you notice it when sorting things out, especially if your mind is more on big events at work or in your own life that cannot be ignored. Again, it doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you or that she doesn't feel bad about missing your wedding, only that your wedding isn't the first thing she thinks about (like it is for you).

I think the whole planning a wedding thing does start to take over many women's lives and they lose perspective a little bit. I'm not trying to be mean or insulting here, but I think this might be what's happened here and why you are reacting so badly to this. It's a bit like how your world view focuses down to just your family and the new baby in the final weeks of pregnancy. The rest of the world still goes on turning and other people really aren't thinking about it much, but you lose sight of that.

ArbitraryUsername · 15/07/2013 09:26

I do find it quite odd that so many people on this thread seem to think that friendship is about taking in board all of your priorities. I really don't expect my friends to become quite so invested in my life that my birthday or my wedding or whatever should become the most important thing in theirs.

BillyGoatintheBuff · 15/07/2013 09:29

Tell her you are gutted. It's probably best to be honest. You will be able to move forward from this.

pictish · 15/07/2013 09:29

I don't think it's about your big event becoming the most important thing in their lives, as such.
I think it's about expecting your friends to make the effort as you would yourself.

I learned the hard way, as I held this naive view for a time as a youngster.

newestbridearound · 15/07/2013 09:37

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad about this. I can understand because obviously your wedding day is one of the biggest and most special days you will have and you obviously want to share it with those that are closest to you. But trust me, on the actual day the only thing that really matters is that you are marrying the person you love and you will have an amazing time regardless. At our wedding several people I would love to have been there couldn't make it, including my aunt, my nan and a couple of really good friends. I missed them being there but it didn't ruin the day or make it any less special- and I made sure to print up lots of pictures afterwards to share with them.

Have you talked to your friend about why you are upset or are you planning on keeping quiet about it? I doubt she has done this deliberately, as others have said it may just be that whilst weddings are the main focus of the people getting married for others they are not the be all and end all.

LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 09:41

Blimey - I can't believe people are being so vile about this woman!

For me, i find weddings like a sort of portracted torture! Whenever i get an invite i try and find a reason not to go - i don't care who it is.

Is it really going to make a difference that one person isn't there? You wont even notice.

Just wish her a happy holiday and tell her you will have an afternoon punishing her showing her the pictures.

Nanny0gg · 15/07/2013 10:15

It is normal to expect that close friends take an interest in your life. It's what friends do (IME anyway).
If she lives by her diary, forgetting is no excuse. If the wedding date was the only time she and her husband could go on holiday, then I would expect an apologetic explanation. That is not what the OP received.

So I would take it that she doesn't care (and going by the description of her wedding, she clearly thinks they're important occasions).

I would be hurt too.

Blu · 15/07/2013 10:22

Oh dear.

I am another who considers weddings a lovely thing to accept an invitation to, but in truth I would have difficulty foregoing a whole week's holiday for one day if it was the only time I could go, or afford to go. But she should have been honest with you. It was a rather self-centered to not acknowledge your wedding after ther hoopla of an event.

I would write to her and tell her how upset you are, but your wedding is about you and your DH to be. Have a wonderful day and even more omportant, a wonderful marriage together.

curableromantic · 15/07/2013 10:24

I had bought flights to go backpacking when my brother set the date to get married. I told my parents and him I couldn't make it and they were really fine about it, completely understood etc. Then I realised it was a huge deal and paid to change my flights. When I told my mother she actually cried - I was amazed. Since then I am always a bit suspicious when my parents say they don't mind.

Original poster
TapDancingPimp · 15/07/2013 10:27

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm feeling a lot better today now I've had time to process it all.

You're right though, I probably am overreacting. See in comparison she is hugely popular, as I mentioned she has a massive circle of friends and big family. There were hundreds at her wedding so I suppose in her head, one absent couple does not a disaster make!

My wedding is pretty small, I'm terrified people won't have a good time and will bore easily. My friend dropping out has just sent me into panic mode. Plus the fact I genuinely am saddened by not having her there to share my day. We've been friends for a long time...

I'll be fine Smile

OP posts:
lurkingaround · 15/07/2013 10:28

Your wedding is one of the biggest days in your life. Whether you are bothered about weddings or not, is a different question. It is very important to you, and your friend should honour that. It's what friends do.

It is sad for you. I would be very hurt too. To be so blase about a good friend's wedding does reflect on your friend's respect for your friendship. She knew this was important to you. While it hurts now, the feeling will settle, but I'm afraid your friendship will not be the same. Time to let go of it maybe.

BUT enjoy your wedding. It's a great day.

ArbitraryUsername · 15/07/2013 10:32

Yes, but there's taking an interest and then there's planning your entire life around someone else's wedding. I certainly wouldn't be upset if a close friend was busy on my birthday or couldn't have made my wedding because I understand that they have other things to be thinking about beyond the events that matter to me. People have work commitments, family commitments, other friends, may have hospital appointments, etc. They also have to factor in their husband/wife/partner's commitments and also their children's.

Just because someone chose to have a big fancy wedding doesn't necessarily mean that they think the world revolves around weddings. It simply means they could afford to and wanted to have a big party to celebrate their own wedding.

If you are very busy at work etc, and spot a rare window where you can go on holiday without missing stuff that you are absolutely fundamental to (things at work you cannot not do, etc) then you probably don't give the social stuff (to which you don't consider yourself absolutely fundamental) any thought until after you've booked everything.

I really wouldn't take it as a comment on how much someone valued me as a friend.

ArbitraryUsername · 15/07/2013 10:34

OP: people will have a wonderful time at your wedding. Don't worry. And so will you. Grin

Treague · 15/07/2013 10:37

You will be fine. Smile

It is always horrible to find out you value a friendship in one way and your friends value it in other ways. That is never easy. I've been caught out numerous times by this, I am too positive about female relationships I think.

ENormaSnob · 15/07/2013 10:37

Oh god ive missed quite a few weddings for a family holidays.

When coordinating annual leave for dh and i and making sure that its fitting in around the kids and holidays etc then someone elses wedding is way down on the priority list.

Not that i dont wish them well obviously, i just dont hold wedding days as particularly important.

I am married btw, before i get accused of being jealous Hmm

mrsshackleton · 15/07/2013 10:46

Well done, OP.

I've had to miss weddings for various reasons, mainly work related. It doesn't mean I think any less of the friend in question. Your wedding will be lovely.

Helltotheno · 15/07/2013 10:48

OP don't worry about people having a good time. People make their own fun and will have the day they're going to have regardless of you, iyswim. I'm not a fan of weddings but the best one I was ever at, I was invited by a friend, didn't know the couple and had an absolute ball. If people sign up to go, they'll enjoy it. Some people prefer smaller bashes anyway.

As for single/unmarried people being green with envy because someone they know is getting married?! That's a joke right? Hmm

Regarding the friend, maybe a downgrade in your list is needed for this friend? Not that you should fall out or even mention this, but overall it seems she means more to you than vice versa.

newestbridearound · 15/07/2013 10:49

Your wedding will be lovely OP, the amount of people there won't affect people's enjoyment of it. I am sure everyone will have fun- as long as there is food and drink what's not to love? Smile

Have a wonderful time. The day will fly by!

Cerisier · 15/07/2013 10:56

My brother didn't come to my wedding as he had agreed to be in a team sports event that day. I think my parents should have put a bit of pressure on him to pull out for his sister's wedding, but they didn't.

25 years on I am still disappointed he wasn't there so I can understand how you feel OP.

springytato · 15/07/2013 12:10

I'm terrified people won't have a good time and will bore easily. My friend dropping out has just sent me into panic mode. Plus the fact I genuinely am saddened by not having her there to share my day.

So she was your celeb guest then OP Wink

Not good to invest so much into one person. She wouldn't make your wedding special, a significant date on the calendar - you and DH will be doing that. She is only one person and, just because she is dazzlingly socially admired etc, that doesn't make up for something you feel you aren't.

it sounds that you don't have much faith in yourself as a person, and perhaps her not prioritising something that is important to you has potentially confirmed your fears that you are a bore and not worth the effort. THAT ISN'T TRUE. It's the old saw but when you value yourself, other people value you, too. Make friends with yourself OP. You're great! It's such a relief when you finally make peace with yourself and realise you're worth knowing and loving (apart from everything else, you don't have to rely on other people to do it for you!)

Sorry if that sounds cheesey but I can't think of another way to put it. fwiw I would prioritise a wedding over everything else - to show respect to the couple, honouring them on their important day. I'm out of step with current social norms on that, though. She may not mean it as a slight.