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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I go?

42 replies

choochie · 06/06/2006 17:14

My friend wants me to go out with her on Friday, she is emigrating and wants to meet up with all the girls for a last night out. Trouble is my partner does not like me going out and normally to avoid trouble I just don't bother going out, I really do want to go and make a stand on this but I know he will carry on with me.

Don't really know why I am posting this because I know what I have to do but just not sure how best to go about it.

BTW I have changed my name for this.

OP posts:
anorak · 06/06/2006 17:16

The real issue is his not liking you going out, isn't it?

anorak · 06/06/2006 17:16

You need to sort it out long-term.

FioFio · 06/06/2006 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Hoopoe · 06/06/2006 18:20

yes you must go! you can't be a prisoner in your own home!

PanicPants · 06/06/2006 18:33

Yes you should go - AND enjoy yourself

KommandantColditz · 06/06/2006 18:34

Just go. Don't ask him, tell him. If he start being miserable, lay it on the line - "Are you seriously telling me that you think you can stop me? "

if he moans about what you are wearing, wear it shorter and skimpier. If he moans about your make-up, wear more. If he complains about 'other men looking at you', tell him that is the point.

Make a stand with this. So many of my friends don't go out any more, becaus e their partner doesn't like it.

Feistybird · 06/06/2006 18:36

when one half of a relationship starts kicking up when the other wants to go out....you're on a rocky road I'm afraid Sad.

Blu · 06/06/2006 18:38

Go.
Don't enter into any argument, just keep saying 'I am going out with my friend to say goodbye to her', pleasantly and calmly.

You are a grown adult, fgs, in a century when womwn have freedom to go where they please.

And then go out the following week, and again, until he gets the message.

Dior · 06/06/2006 18:54

Can he not understand that you would hurt your friend immensely if you didn't go? Of course there is the issue of doing it to make a point, but that doesn't necessarily have to be addressed in a big stand off. You can take time to go out fmore often and for longer over a few months, and he would surely get used to the idea? You don't say why he doesn't like you going out, so I am assuming that it is a control thing. That is not acceptable, and he needs to know it. Has he ever been abusive?

poppadum · 06/06/2006 19:00

Does he get out to go out with his friends? I bet he does. Just go.

lou33 · 06/06/2006 19:18

go

i hope you have fun

redbull · 06/06/2006 19:54

maybe you should suggest he comes along with you??

i dont like dp going out with out me as i feel our time together is very special so i usually go along as well and dp doesnt mind either a nd we all have a good time hope that helps Smile

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/06/2006 20:00

choochie,

You go and say goodbye to your friend. Do not take his "no" for an answer.

Your partner is, in one word, controlling. That's very bad news for you as such behaviour can and does often escalate. He ideally would like to keep you (note those two words) by his side 24/7. As a result you will have no life of your own and as it is to save argument you rarely go out.

Also such men rarely if ever change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/06/2006 20:02

choochie

I reckon as well he does not like any of your friends and goes out of his way to stop you seeing them. Again very indicative of a control freak.

blueteddy · 06/06/2006 20:22

Blimmin right you should go - especially as it is your friends last big night out before emigrating!

If you want to go out, go out! Don't let him own you like this.

SenoraPostrophe · 06/06/2006 20:24

yes go. I would go even if it meant he left tbh.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/06/2006 20:25

Of course you should go. You dont need his permission, you will just be telling him out of courtesy Smile

Original poster
choochie · 06/06/2006 21:39

Thanks everyone am grateful for your posts, I just don't like the trouble it causes, he does sometimes get quite nasty when I get home although he has never actually hit me he has pushed me a few times.

I know he loves me but he says its other men he doesn't trust not me.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/06/2006 21:41

Oh FGS! That is such a pathetic pathetic excuse!

That comment says more about him and his attitudes to women than it does about you or other men.

Tell him you are an intelligent person, who can happily look after herself.

Original poster
choochie · 06/06/2006 21:44

I know its pathetic but I have children and its the easiest way to keep the peace, tbh I am not too bothered about going out often so its not an issue but I would like to see my mate before she goes.

OP posts:
Beauregard · 06/06/2006 21:45

You should go ,you will regret it if you dont!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/06/2006 21:46

Why are you responsible for keeping the peace?

Please please please dont let him off the hook for his bad behaviour. Because thats what it is.

Original poster
choochie · 06/06/2006 21:48

I am going to go but haven't told him yet, just don't want him in a bad mood until Friday.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/06/2006 21:55

Actually, i dont think leaving it till the last minute is ideal. I'd be peeved if DP did that to me.

blueteddy · 06/06/2006 22:23

Just tell him that you are going out with your friends. Don't ask his permission to go out, you are a grown up & can do what you want.
You will regret not going out for your friends last night.