Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH affair and special female friends

26 replies

debtherat · 14/07/2013 06:33

6 months post affair - OH fell in love work colleague- and still working through fall out with support from relate, wise women. What I am now trying to deal with is my OH's special female friends basically coffee and lunch meet-up friends - in his diaries over a number of years but never mentioned to me by event or name i.e I had lunch with Sarah today. He says they were meet-ups to talk about work, offer support but I know that one of these included seeking emotional support for him when affair ended and was dealing with bonkers unreasonableness wife!!! The interesting thing is certain female friends were never mentioned including the last one who maybe gave the extra he was hoping for from the other 3/4?? He says not the same and such friendships are normal and he wants to continue with via text, email, drinks but I don't and wouldn't have such friendships with men so any attached/unattached women on here with similar friendships with attached men can offer honest insight? Or am I just a cynical bitch for thinking it's emotional cheating, ego boosting, wank fodder????

OP posts:
jayho · 14/07/2013 07:21

No, you're right, you know you are, he should be doing everything to reassure you not continuing with behaviour that makes you uneasy. Did he tell you about all these meetings or did you discover them yourself?

MadAboutHotChoc · 14/07/2013 07:24

As part of the post affair recovery, you both should have discussed and where appropriate worked on boundaries.

Did he read Not Just Friends by Glass? This explains so well how friendships develop into affairs and the importance of having strong boundaries.

If he has read this and still does not get it and is still addicted to the ego boosts from these meet ups, then I am afraid he will do it again Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2013 08:47

He's taking the piss. This is the point where you should seriously reassess whether it was a good idea to give this idiot a second chance and whether he's actually got any intention of showing you even a modicum of respect or consideration. Because I'm seeing neither here. He screws around, pays lip service at some relate sessions, thinks the dust has settled nicely and so the dumb wifey has to suck it up while he goes back to same old, same old, entertaining various women .... no change in attitude whatsoever.

It's not his 'special friends' you can't trust, it's him.

LTB.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2013 08:53

" any attached/unattached women on here with similar friendships with attached men can offer honest insight? "

On this specifically.... I have one very good, very old, very married friend who I meet occasionally. I know for a fact that he doesn't share this information with his DW and I know the reason for that is that he would be quite happy if I offered him a bed for the night and me in it. :) I'm not about to do so and he's never actually said it out loud, but it would be like pushing at an open door.

Viking1 · 14/07/2013 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsAFuckingVase · 14/07/2013 11:27

I have friendships with men. One in particular has been a very good friend, and has helped me through some very hard times. I see him once a month or so for dinner, movie or drinks. DH doesn't know this friend, but always knows when I'm seeing him. I'm also the only woman in my department at work and there are a group of us who go out drinking. Again, DH doesn't know my workmates, but it isn't kept secret when we get together!

DH is also close friends with another woman, and they get together for coffee / lunch occasionally.

Neither of us has any issue, neither of us has had an affair. Would possibly be an issue if any of these friendships were kept secret, as it would maybe imply that there was reason to be secretive?

Wellwobbly · 14/07/2013 11:35

Hope this link works:

(chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/)

I told my H very clearly: I am not going through this again. Then I found that he was still meeting OW 'for coffee', that he had re-contacted her the previous year, and had told his IC but not me.

I still love him, but he has no right to abuse and disrespect me.

If I am honest, schmoopie co-worker soul mate is more suited to him than I am. She is very well groomed, they are both obsessed with their careers and they both value the shiny things in life. I can't MAKE my H deeper and more emotionally connected than he can be, and it has taken me many long years to 'get' this.

We must trust in how our life is panning out, and let go of trying to control another person. Give them a very clear warning, and if they continue on the path (they need to go down), take steps to protect ourselves and assert that we are worthwhile.

BerkshireMum · 14/07/2013 11:36

On your specific question, I have several male friends, single and married / attached, who I see on a fairly regular basis. Some have known me longer than DH and we've known each other 20 years (together for 15). They are genuinely platonic but very important friendships. DH knows about them all and I do usually tell him when I'm seeing them, what's going on in their lives etc. He has at least met them all too. Hand on heart, I probably don't always remember to say immediately before or after a meeting, but only on the same basis as with female friends from time to time - ie life gets in the way and I forget for a few days - and never because I am hiding something or worried that he won't like it.

One of these male friends died suddenly 2 years ago. DH was fantastic. I was devasted and still miss him every day. DH gets that, gets why and knows it doesn't impact our relationship at all.

In your situation however, it feels different. I'd be very wary tbh. How would he feel about you meeting these women and socialising with them from time to time? Even if you don't actually do it, seeing his reaction to the suggestion would be telling I think.

Good luck

ageofgrandillusion · 14/07/2013 12:23

Put simply OP, he's rubbing your nose in it. The next affair is only a matter of time. Is this really all you are worth?

akaWisey · 14/07/2013 14:42

Yup, taking the piss alright.

Diagonally · 14/07/2013 15:06

I'm really sorry but I think he's probably been unfaithful before and will do it again before long.

I know a serial cheat and this is exactly his MO. Meets a lot of women through work and "networks" / gets overly friendly.and meets them for lunch etc.

Every so often one falls for the hardluck story and he's into an affair proper. His W found out about one and didn't kick him out (OW was a friend of mine) and within a few months he was at it again.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2013 15:17

Diagonally, the OP told us in her first post he'd been unfaithful only six months ago.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2013 15:20

He just loves all this female attention, doesn't he, OP? He knows you want to make it work, which is why he thinks he can do what he bloody well wants.

I think whether you want to save your marriage or not, now is the time to tell him to get out and mean it. If in a year or two you get back together, well that's different. But you can either suffer with this (as it will continue) or tell him you have had enough.

I know what I wish I'd done.

Original poster
debtherat · 14/07/2013 16:04

Honestly I don't want to meet these other women but they are still in contact with him and of course all on iphone/email/facebook which I don't have access to so I can't gauge if anything is inappropriate. He is trying to be more transparent now so next time he tells me he is out for drinks/meal/catch up with his platonic friends (assuming he doesn't pretend its something else) I'll pretend I'm not in usual fallback child care position or maybe invite her here.... And watch his reaction. Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
Original poster
debtherat · 14/07/2013 16:13

Hi Diagonally, this could be his cheating MO and he does seem to attract/acquire women who need that extra bit of motivation/support/lack self-esteem...probably a very high % of women!!! At least one of them (who I remember used to quite annoy me originally as she phoned him at home, came to our house uninvited after work) is now a trusted family friend so by no means clear cut but this was before we had children which has changed our relationship pretty fundamentally.

OP posts:
Original poster
debtherat · 14/07/2013 17:08

Hi jayho he didn't tell me about these meetings came out because I checked his diaries going back a few years and also some facebook friends who I suspect he will be conversing with which of course I can't see if he is emailing privately. He also had one strange v. young foreign facebook friend who made the unfortunate mistake of using our shared email to ask how things were going with the OW (apparently she was providing him with emotional support) and asking if he was still up for "messing about". This sent me into the worst rage I have ever had and also made me so sad for the man I once knew who would have found this q.pathetic. He showed me an email to her ceasing contact/ de-friending but refused to show me emails re messing around - just talking about emotions apparently..don't believe this at all btw. Of course also very sad for myself, what we had.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 14/07/2013 17:13

debtherat - your name suddenly rang a bell and I now remember your previous threads Sad there were some really dodgy incidents after he got caught.

Sadly it seems you have ignored the many wise posters on your threads, no wonder you are still in turmoil. Things won't get better until you tell him to give you space. Loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters.

From your posts I seriously don't think he gives a shit about you or your feelings and he will cheat on you again and again - next time he will hide things.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2013 20:27

Deb, I've just read through all of your other thread. Can you say why you didn't take any notice of what anyone said to you?

This man has clearly ended the relationship with you, even if he stays in the house. Having other women excites him. He thinks it's his right.

Can you not see that?

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2013 20:34

I suppose the real question is, what would he have to do for you to end it?

Original poster
debtherat · 14/07/2013 23:07

I'm with him still because he says he still loves me, wants to stay with me and the kids and because there is some truth to us both neglecting our relationship (work, children)... But I am wiser to what has gone on for him. The female friends are light relief mainly, make him feel more manly, don't have kids, don't make demands. He is here on probation and he knows he has to win back my trust and respect...and I need to see past my tiredness, worries and pay him some attention. I don't want to keep him on a leash but the prospect of him catching up with female friends however innocent it may be is now v. loaded for me.

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 14/07/2013 23:11

But he is refusing to stop doing something that upsets you. Is he really able to 'win back your trust and respect' while that's the case?

jayho · 14/07/2013 23:14

no no no no
he is not being honest and open with you. You have insight into hie motivation for these encounters. Does he? Sounds like you're doing all the work here.
What's he offering you?

Original poster
debtherat · 14/07/2013 23:26

Blether, for me to end it would be any further disrespect to me and children, snappiness with DS and a genuine, honest admission from him that it is over for him. We have been friends, lovers, spouses, parents for over 25 years - neither of us is perfect, we have both made mistakes.

OP posts:
Original poster
debtherat · 14/07/2013 23:41

Snazzy I am only upset to the extent that I think these are/have been more than friendships to him - I don't know if they were more apart from one most recently which became the love affair quite quickly and which he maintains was unique (and made him feel alive). This thread is to get some advice, insight from other women who have been in a similar situation as it does seem v. common. What i do know is that he keeps emails/texts but I don't want to snoop neither do I want to be taken for a mug. What price peace of mind.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 16/07/2013 14:53

I think you started this thread in the hope of hearing things that YOU want to hear - not because you want proper advice.

Many of the posters on your threads have been in a similar situation - myself included. Yet you still ignore our advice.

You are being taken for a mug. Stop being such a doormat and grow some balls if you want real peace of mind.