Need some perspective: 'supporting' disliked MIL through illness

[Treague]

MIL and I have differing outlooks on life - I could write screeds...We don't get along particularly. However, in her small family there is a pressure for everything to be lovely, so nothing is ever said (except via my grimacing features, apparently!) and nobody pulls her up on her utter selfishness. Her husband and two sons just let her get on with it, cook her dinners, cater parties etc. She isn't so keen on me and in particular lately has been quite overt about not having me around, but has tried (and failed) to cover it up in terms of 'I thought you'd like some time alone.'

So now she has cancer (contained and treatable) and is having chemotherapy. I don't dislike her in a way that means I wish this on her: I just find I'm quite detached and don't consider that I am part of the family (she has made this clear without saying the words) so I have kept slightly out of the way, but responded positively to texts or requests for me to get her certain things.

I don't know what else to do or how to behave. I don't like her and after one memorable rejection had decided not to try to please her any more. I can't talk to DH about it, he's very sanguine by nature but his mum is suffering and that's just not nice. I'm absolutely filled with resentment towards her and hating having to continue this fakery, but aware that that makes me sound like a bell-end when she's ill.

I don't know what I want from this really, I know I will continue to be nice and listen and visit when summoned etc, I suppose I would just like to hear from other people how tricky it is when you can't be really honest with anyone around. Even if you just post to tell me to get over myself.

My Mil also struggles with being aware of her own behaviour. She does a good line of pissing me off, when I raise it with her, I am made out to be the bad guy as "She means well".

Just because she means well doesn't mean she gets to treat me like shit. She may MEAN well, but it doesn't appear nice when she has little digs, or ignores me.

She can LOVE you all she wants. You don't want her love - you want her respect.

I have no solutions for you - just sympathy as I know exactly how you feel!

Treagues - feel for you and everyone else in this situation. The biblical saying "you reap what you sow" is so true. If you don't bother with someone, make them feel they aren't welcome and/or treat them badly, why are you so surprised when they aren't too bothered when you are ill and don't want to put themselves out? I think the key is to behave politely as far as possible in these situations and make duty visits to support your dh. But why do they deserve anything extra when they are ill? You are so right, they are not your family. You have just married into a family and respect and love have to be earned.

I think a lot of women feel they "should" be caring, even if they aren't cared for. If anyone criticizes you, just say "you don't know my side of the story". The trouble is, these difficult uncaring people can be lovely when they want to be so you feel that no-one would believe you anyway, if you had a bad word to say about them.

If this is any consolation, when your dcs are older and more independent you won't have to do so many duty visits. Hang onto your own life and independence. It is very important.

"...one day I would believe her when she says I love you and she is very proud of me."

1)Has she ever actually said those things to you? Or is it just another tricky turn of phrase as in she might say it one day...
.

2)She is telling you what you will believe, akin to telling you what you think .

3)Also, I'd be suspect that this message was an email and not delivered publicly in front of the rest of the family, or any breathing human being. Deniability.

4)This obliqueness just shouts "insincere" (Or maybe this should be No. 1?)

She is baiting you.
Leave it. Leave it like you didn't even read it. In fact, if she ever refers to it, I'd be tempted to say you must have missed it and see if she will enunciate the sentiments to your face. But do you really need more verification? Probably not.

"You can not say a fucking thing"...I know, I have an il visit coming up (we are going there). My function, as stated by whitecloud, is that I am going to support my dh and help with the drive (500+ miles).
Edit....just know that it takes 500 miles for me to want get there, and it takes 500 miles back to almost detox from the exposure.

Thanks all! A couple of days on from that, I did reply (yes it was an email) and I just ignored that bit of it and waffled on about the garden and glad she was feeling a little better.

It's a classic case of 'actions speak louder than words': I don't see 'love' in her actions, but she sees it in her (typed) words, and in the 'gifts' she needs to endlessly give. I don't look to my MIL for love, anyway - I mean a bit of familial affection yes, but I don't need her to tell me she loves me in the way I really like it when my own parents do.

What I see is the small actions where I am not acknowledged or appreciated (and she can do it: she gushes over anything BIL and his wife do) and the larger ones where she minimises time with me on particular occasions like family get-togethers. This all screams to me 'I do not care for you' and that would be kind of all right if there was a sort of honesty to it - if we agreed silently just not to bother each other but be basically polite, fine.

Gah, superficial crap really bothers me. I did have a chat to DH, who's sad about it and I regret telling him, but anyway he thinks she's behaving a bit weirdly because of the illness. No, DH, this has been years....

Treagues - it is amazing how much men are able to ignore how difficult their own mother is. My dh didn't see it for years. Is a bit more understanding now. Think it's easier for them not to face up to reality or deal with things. Hope you manage to put up boundaries and cope well with the situation. I really dread my m-in-law being ill ....

Yep, it's a whole different mindset. But also, maybe mums are different with their sons? I don't know. MIL is really nice to her sons, I mean she still tries to get them to keep to her script but she takes 'no, not at the moment' as an answer and doesn't push it.

I must give off some pheromone that says 'go on, tell her what to do and where to sit and what to wear...she wants you to really!'

I have a sort of opposite, but ultimately similar situation, in that my FIL
took a shine to me for some reason over his own kids. He has 3 sons & 1 daughter from his first marriage & 2 sons from his second.

He divorced the second wife & asked my husband to testify against her in the court case, (she had been his step mother for 25 years), which of course he refused, to the fury of FIL.

So now he's ill & none of his own children are good enough, he wants me to go over (he lives in France) and look after him? wtf? (Normally I'm working & have 2 kids). Ok, he only has one daughter (but she's lovely) & maybe he doesn't want his sons looking after him, but what's wrong with their wives? They're all very nice.

I try and make a joke of the whole thing & my philosophy is that he's an old bugger who likes making everyone dance.

But, as he his illness progresses it gets more difficult, because everyone is wondering how the money will be left - whether it will be equitable ( doubt it, given his past behaviour) - and I don't want to look as though I'm schmoozing him for favourable treatment in his will.

At the same time I don't want to deny a terminally ill man some comfort.

I think my point is - some people just like manipulating everyone around them, and it could be just as bad if she really, really liked you OP.

I try generally to be the bigger person, but sometimes I don't know what the bigger person would do, and others I think he's such a bugger that I really don't care.

You could have emailed back how much her email meant to you and how lovely it is to have such a supportive DMIL and copied to everyone

Her behaviour is v weird. Is her illness terminal because most cancer isn't and she could be around for a v long time.

Perhaps she sees you as her, and perhaps her MIL was nasty, or something to explain this odd behaviour.

No, not terminal (thankfully) and yes she will be around a while
I knew her MIL, she was a gracious and lovely woman, and my MIL says she aspires to be just like her. There is no way her MIL would have suggested I sit elsewhere even though I am already sitting down and in fact in the middle of a nice conversation with someone etc etc.

Twinklestein I'm quite certain that I have been categorised as 'good for doing certain things' as MIL will e.g. ask me to leave the table while everyone is chatting and having a nice glass of dessert wine so that I can fill the dishwasher and she can go upstairs to 'have a quiet moment'. I'm in the same category as her sister, and it would just make me upset to think of all the things that woman has been asked to do for her over the years...Do you think FIL just sees you as 'person most likely to do as asked and least likely to make a fuss about it'? Sometimes I think I have that mark. I'm agog that he has 6 kids yet asks you to move country, give up work, and do what with your children precisely?!

God all this sounds so petty. I am just so sure that she sees me as someone who should not be allowed near people for too long, I'm now starting to be paranoid that she's right

Just had an email suggesting that seeing my child might be the reason for a (not unusual but irksome) setback in treatment.
I really think they can all just fuck the fuck off, and then fuck off some more. I have fucking had it.

Treagues, I am so sorry, what a horrible situation.

I think you can be secure in the knowledge that you are not being petty.

I think you sound lovely.

What does your DH say about this email?

Catmint don't, I might cry! I'm not lovely, I'm furious.
I don't want to be messed about but I've put up with it because I love dh and he loves them. I have got the RAGE with them treating my child in the same way.
DH doesn't know. I've gone on enough to him, his mum is ill and it's hard on him

Hey Treagues, you're certainly not being petty.

What I was trying to say in my previous post (which came across as all about me) is that I totally get it. Even tho' ostensibly it's from a different angle, it's so infuriating to be on the receiving end of manipulations and selfishness. You just can't tell them to bugger off. And you don't want to bore your partner with it, so you have to grit your teeth.

Funnily enough, my mum had the same problem with my dad's mum as you with yours. Every time we went to see them as kids my mum would rage in the car all the way home. Some pils divide the inlaws from the outlaws & then just kick & kick.

I definitely understand your frustration Twinkelstein
(I kind of want to know what you're going to do?!)

Really I've no idea. I want to know what you're going to do

What I want to do is to maintain an exterior of dignified, ever so slightly aloof but unimpeachably serene indifference, which makes them ever so slightly uneasy but they can't put their finger on why.

What I shall do, I am fairly sure is:

sleep on it
get pissed at some point
rant at dh then feel bad
store up the ill feeling
then react badly at the very first sign of being even slightly controlled by MIL
who will have no idea why I am doing it, so I will only succeed in shoring up her bad opinion of me

I really need some sort of quick training in acting. I'm a shockingly bad actor.

Treagues, next time you go and she suggests that you go to the bottom of the garden or wherever, how about saying 'No thanks MIL, I'm really enjoying the conversation here. But if you're feeling tired and want to go and read the paper in the garden hut (or whatever it is she has suggested that you do), why don't you? I expect you'll really enjoy it'.

That way, she can't accuse you of being rude as you are only asking her if she wants to do what she asked you if you wanted to do - so if you are being rude in asking her then she is being rude in asking you. And if she picks you up on it, you can just say that you thought she only suggested it as it was something she liked doing and wanted an excuse to do it herself.

if you do it every time that she suggests you buggering off somewhere and you make your dh of what she is doing - and how you are now responding to the suggestions, your dh might realise quite how often she does this to you.

Also - sounds like time to play mil bingo - write down all the phrases and things she might say or do to you. Then ostentatiously cross them off each time she does one of them - just do it without saying what you are doing, whip out your bit of paper, cross off the offending phrase and put it back again. and repeat. Get points for everything you cross off. partly she will get curious. but suddenly it drains all the power from her comments - it turns it into a game rather than anything personal. and obviously you need to then get prizes for your points (depending on how bad this is, it can be anything from a bar of chocolate or glass of wine through to a bottle of wine or dh driving home or a new handbag for a full set! Doesn't matter - you get to choose.) And then you'll find yourself willing her to say or do something so you can cross it off your list and you realise that she is so predictable and it just takes all the sting and power out of her. Or bet on how long it will be until she tries to boot you out or so on. Can be silly things, but all ends up making you feel better, which is the object. And often will help to make your dh quite how badly you are being treated or how oddly his mum is behaving.

Zipzap: I like your first suggestion and will do that.
I LOVE your Mil Bingo idea and it would bring me delight. Sadly DH has no sense of humour about his family so wouldn't be able to join in and I think would be a bit upset. It's really strange, he has quite a dark and silly sense of humour normally, but family? Don't go there.
I will definitely play it by myself.

Just a little update.

The 'pampered behaviour' thread was a real eye opener. I read it all and there was so much that rang true. The scales fell from my eyes...

True enough, MIL told me the other day (a propos of nothing) that she wanted x, y and z from my garden 'when I am digging it up for autumn.' I'm not planning to, and when I said that I was merely told - eyes narrowed - that it would be a good time to provide her with nice plants do it. A tiny thing but a particularly ungracious demand, I felt!

I am dreading when she feels well enough to demand our presence in her home! The bottom of her garden will definitely be unvisited by me. I keep practising in my head 'Oh no...I'm fine here thanks!' and a big smile.

She's very selfish. And so presumptuous. I know f all about gardening, but could she not just have asked for cuttings?

How far away is she? Can you visit her without having to stay too long?

She's so exactly like my grandmother - my mum always felt that her family were a clan & she & my uncle's wife were never really welcome.
It's so offensive.

Can you only see her with your family? Or do you do that anyway?

I can't say that my situation is going well. I had an operation on my knees earlier this summer, I was s'posed to be off work for 5 weeks all in, but I've had complications & have been working from home. My FiL is not happy that I have not visited him, he 'invited' me to stay with my children in France (they have been staying with their grandmother - his ex wife who doesn't speak to him & is at the opposite end of the country.)

Now he has taken to ringing me for 'chats' which, when he drinks (he's not supposed to) - get slightly sexual - double entendre - it's hard to explain - think Strauss-Kahn.

I feel I can't tell my husband, because he doesn't like his father anyway, & there's something really awful about having a slightly pervy dad.

Oh god, sounds tricky. I suppose at least he is far away and you aren't able to be summoned to his bedside. I can't help with the perviness. That just sounds horrible. Is your dh talking to him at all or is it all coming to you?

The plants thing was just a recent example, I probably have hundreds mostly involving catering. It's her birthday next month and I give her a couple of weeks before she starts phoning her orders through. Oh dear I have a sudden rush on at work then.

I think I simply thrive on mutual respect, and wither without it. I'm not that able to shrug it off, and she's not that able to cover it up. I have, however, in the past few weeks, had enough distance from her to be able to feel a lot happier about not wanting to be over-involved.

Twinkelstein hope your knees are ok

My knees will be fine thanks.

I think you need to be tougher & less 'nice' which it looks like you are (although it's so easy to say that when you're not in the situation!) I'm glad you've got more distance - that's key. My mum never saw my grandmother except on formal family occasions - & I think that's fairly crucial to your sanity.

FIL does phone my H but he works v long hours & is currently working on a deal, so they don't speak long. He knows I'm around & he calls me during the day.

Yeah, I am toughening up: I think back to ways in which I have tried to please her in the past, and to fit in: and for what? So she can feel she has someone she can order about, and ditch at will? Not good enough. Horrible, in fact. This distance has been really good. I remember now that I didn't have any real problems with her when we lived in separate countries

For nothing. Your attempts to be nice to her (totally understandable & what I would have done) have only ended in her thinking she can mistreat you.

The only plant you should be giving her is poison ivy...