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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP not bothered about not seeing me for 6 weeks

42 replies

CuttedUpPear · 12/07/2013 09:20

DP has just had a great career break which will take him away (abroad) for a month in August. There will be at least two other months away in this new job before Christmas and it may be the way that his whole working life goes if he gets where he wants to.
I'm pleased for him for getting the opportunity because he's worked and waited long for this.

Yesterday I realised that I will also be working away for 2 weeks just before he goes - our dates overlap meaning that we won't see each other for 6 weeks. The month apart I was prepared for but this knocked me sideways a bit.

We live 50mins drive apart and both have DCs and sometimes demanding work schedules, so time together is not as much as I (and I think we) would like.

Last night I told him about the 6 weeks apart and asked him if he was bothered about it. He said he wasn't. Said he hadn't thought about it at all since he had heard about the job (a week). I was gutted. We argued and I left his place and went home and cried.

Am I over reacting? I think I was most upset at him backtracking in the argument, he kept insisting he hadn't said he wasn't bothered (yes he had) when just an apology would have been nice.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 12/07/2013 09:23

You don't even share a home and you are worried about six weeks apart?

Katisha · 12/07/2013 09:27

Might this be the point at which you have to assess your relationship? Is it a get properly together or not moment?

I only say this becasue that happened to me, We were living together, had been for a couple of years, when DP got a job some distance away and started talking about getting a flat in that locality. I wasnt prepared to have a long distance relationship and it was make or break.

It was make.

Ragwort · 12/07/2013 09:28

You sound like 14 year olds - he is hardly a 'partner' if you don't share a home, surely he is a boyfriend. You both have children and busy careers - and asking someone 'if they are going to miss you' all sounds a bit passive agreessive and immature - plus the going home in tears .

BeerTricksPotter · 12/07/2013 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 12/07/2013 09:29

FFS I have had this on another thread with people banging on about me not being allowed to call him my partner if we don't live together.

He IS my partner (ATM) End Of.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 12/07/2013 09:34

BeerTricks that's a good thing to say, thanks. I'm sure you are right.

OP posts:

estrella79 · 12/07/2013 09:44

Until I came on Mumsnet, I'd never encountered the notion that you shouldn't call your other half your partner until you moved in with them - personally I think it's bizarre to refer to your other half as "boyfriend" unless you're a very young or in the first fledgling months of your relationship. How long have you been with him, OP? If it's an established relationship I think you have ever right to be miffed that he's not concerned about seeing you for 6 weeks.

Mollydoggerson · 12/07/2013 09:49

Maybe he's just not that into you?

Katisha · 12/07/2013 09:49

Oh right. So you only wanted people to come on and say they are sure he will miss you.

I dont care what you call him btw. Wasnt the point of my post.

Lweji · 12/07/2013 10:05

Being bothered is different from missing someone.
I spent 6 weeks away from my now exH and I wasn't crying every day.
Sure, I missed him, but I was not bothered.

Go and apologise to him.

PrincessKitKat · 12/07/2013 10:11

I understand why youre hurt but IMO career-driven people can be quite single-minded & at the minute he's bound to have work (rather than home) on the brain.
He said he hadn't thought about it and as he was on the the spot gave you his knee-jerk reaction.
Maybe he feels very secure in your relationship & thought 6-weeks would be fine as you'll be spending your lives together?!
Or maybe he's brutally honest (like my DH) and knows he'll be too busy working/ doing stuff and the 6 weeks will fly.
Or maybe you need to have a chat.

Not sure about the storming off when he was trying to make it better though. I dont know if acting like that was very helpful to your situation. Would you miss that behaviour?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/07/2013 10:14

The lesson is probably not to ask the question if there's a chance you won't be comfortable with the answer. Obviously he's happy with this long-distance, semi-detached arrangement and you're not. You get annoyed with people suggesting he's not a partner but I'm willing to bet he describes you to others as his girlfriend. When people want different things, that's often when it starts to unravel

QuintessentialOldDear · 12/07/2013 10:18

Yes, you are overreacting. Massively.

Work demanded that dh had to go away for three months when ds1 was just 5 months old. I did not even ask him if he was bothered about it. Whats the point?

If you are going to pick arguments over his hob and his being away, be prepared for him cherishing your time apart....

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 12/07/2013 10:59

Princess I didn't storm off, we talked/argued for an hour before I left.

So we have had a chat. It always ends up the same way. I feel like I'm over emotional and asking too much. He is very laid back. We have been together 5 years and we have talked about living together when our circumstances change, which will hopefully be next year. It was fine, us living apart for the first three years, but now I look forward to the change.

I felt fine about the month apart. When I realised it would be 6 weeks I was sad and went to talk to him about it. I was obviously more bothered about it than he was.

My fault then I guess.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/07/2013 11:03

Are you sure he's still looking forward to living together?

LittlePeaPod · 12/07/2013 11:32

Well I am one of those that lives in this situation (have done for years) so I can talk with experience. DF travels a lot on business and stays away in the Far East for weeks at a time throughout the year. He has done ever since we got together. I also have a job which takes up a lot of my time so there are times when we don't spend as much time together as we would like. To be fair, this has never bothered me. I understand that his work takes him away but his brilliant / passionate about what he does. More importantly, I know he loves me and I trust him so I am not at all insecure about the time he spends abroad. This is his work and I am completely supportive. After all, what's a few months out of our entire life?

Personally I think you are over reacting. If you are totally secure in your relationship then this should not be a problem particularly if this may become the norm for you as a couple. I am not surprised he has not thought about the time you will have apart. As you say, this is an opportunity he has worked a long time to get and his clearly very excited about it. You should be celebrating instead of bickering about his time away. Plus he must have a load of stuff he needs to consider (work and home) before it all comes round and yes you are right he probably hasn't even thought about your time apart. You have ownership for your feelings and nothing wrong with you feeling sad that you won't see him but you want/expect him to be like you and get all emtional about it. Why? Nothing wrong with you feeling sad but why expect him to? It's an exciting time for him and it's only 6 weeks. Modern day life means we have phones, facetime and all sorts of communication methods so you will still speak to him.

But we are all individuals and how I perceive something may not be for you. For me this all comes down to how secure you feel in this relationship. If you are totally secure and happy then this should not be an issue at all.

Zyn · 12/07/2013 11:37

I don't think you're unreasonable to be sad. Your boyfriend doesn't seem bothered that you won't see each other for six weeks, and because you don't live together, I guess that makes you wonder what will happen at the end of the six weeks.

You weren't offering (quite rightly) to rearrange your two weeks away, so I wonder if he just felt, 'well, yeah but what can I do?'.

Boyfriend or Partner you can still be upset, but I would call this a boyfriend.

bluebell8782 · 12/07/2013 12:05

Oh shame OP - I would have been a bit sad as well. Of course he is your partner. My friend is engaged but doesn't live with her fiance as yet - they are partners - not boyfriend and girlfriend. Your living arrangements have nothing to do with your relationship status.

We are all different. My husband will say things sometimes that will take me back a bit and I think 'Oh really?' But I do acknowledge I am a sensitive soul - he is also very laid back and will not have said it in the same context that I have taken it.

Some people just don't think of these things. I'll bet when it happens he will miss you terribly but while you have the build-up towards being apart he will just be thinking of the excitement of furthering his career for both of you.

PrincessKitKat · 12/07/2013 13:20

My apologies OP, to me your description in the original post came across as a flounce.
It really wasn't meant to be a narky post - I can see both POV.

Enjoy your time together before you part & look forward to how great it's going to be to have him back!

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 12/07/2013 13:27

I've just talked to DP and things are calmer now.
I guess I fear that in the long run he isn't doing what he does for us, it's just for him.

Maybe I am paranoid, maybe I am right, there's a lot of stuff talked about gut instinct after all.

I am quite an insecure person but come over as very confident and in control to most.

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 12/07/2013 13:33

I'd be pissed off if my partner casually confirmed that he wouldn't miss me over a six week break.

Sounds like your relationship is in permanent limbo and he is comfortable with the degree of distance currently built into how you do things.

I wouldn't hold my breath about moving in with him. It doesn't sound like he really wants that.

I don't think it sounds good enough for you, if what you want is a full relationship with someone who misses you if he doesn't see you for weeks and weeks.

It's like admitting indifference or at best disengagement.

Prozacbear · 12/07/2013 13:56

OP, I can completely see why you're sad - it's not nice to hear that someone isn't bothered, even if they mean it in the most benign way.

Perhaps this is a good opportunity to talk about your relationship more generally, i.e. plans for living together and when that might happen? A good way of gauging whether him not being bothered is indicative of something worse, or generally that he's just very laid back.

My DP is extremely laid back and has thick skin. I am the exact opposite. We each have to keep that in mind when making decisions.

Mumsyblouse · 12/07/2013 13:59

Living Apart Together (LATS)- now very common amongst people who are on second relationships, have kids, both have careers.

ShoutyCrackers · 12/07/2013 14:20

Oh for God sake... you don't HAVE to live with your PARTNER to think of them in those terms. I don't live with mine for varying good reasons. We are a team, we see each other 5 nights a weekend and every weekend and he is as much my other half as if we lived together.

Moving on...

I recall previous threads I think and I am of the opinion that you are more invested in this relationship than him. It seems to bring your insecurities out. Now... we can all take guesses as to why this is but only you can address this. I know it's hard but my advice would be to tell him how you feel... that you feel a little insecure and see what he says. If he takes steps to make you feel more secure/loved then great. If he doesn't... then why not?

ShoutyCrackers · 12/07/2013 14:21

5 nights a week that should read!

And yes, children from previous relationships usually means it is not always possible to move in with each other in the first five minutes

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