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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

*warning* potentail triggers - dh

81 replies

whototurnto · 11/07/2013 15:28

I've NC for this, mainly as I'm very worries this would out me.

My dh seems to have started coming out with very random lies that are getting more and more concerning.

Basically, he has always told me his mum beat him from the age of 7. There are a few versions of the reason it started, it was because he stole a pound coin or he got home late from school.
In his teenage years he tried to commit suicide by jumping off a wall, according to him, he claims to have broken most of his joints and his leg, his knees required surgery and his has pins in them. There are no scars on his knees and as this was over 16years ago, im thinking key hole surgery wasn't reallu around then.

He claims he got taken into care at 13. The people who fostered him don't exist, his teacher, who was his saving grace didn't work at the school he went to until 4 years after he left.

He claims his dad stabbed his mum when she was pg with twins... Him and his brother. According to him, his dad stabbed his brother in the head and that's the day he was born. His mother (ice had a few conversations with her before he decided he was not having contact again) has never mentioned this twin, has said that her first husband left her for an ow and has been honest that her eldest may not be her first husbands as she was having an affair herself and yet, she has never mentioned violence or anything.

He claims his sister was abusing him. From the age if 8 to when he left. He says the abuse was sexual but when he told his mum, his sister said it was him and that's why he ended up in care. I have issues with this. Surely the police would have investigated this? That's just one issue.

All the while he talks about this terrible childhood, he also mentions the fact that he went to this holiday park at 10 and tells me all about how him and his siblings used to play in the local park... He was supposedly locked in his room.

I really don't know what to do. If I confront him, it will be me seen as the evil nasty bitch who doesn't believe him.

Any suggestions as to what I could do. I was tempted to report it to the police but I'm petrified it will come back on me.

OP posts:
RoooneyMara · 12/07/2013 07:48

Don't bother trying to check out the validity of his statements. That does not matter now - you know he is not telling the truth at least a lot of the time. The priority isn't to investigate this, it's to remove yourselves safely from the situation.

Good luck, and keep posting if you can.

RoooneyMara · 12/07/2013 07:48

Oops x posts, will read !

RoooneyMara · 12/07/2013 07:51

Yes absolutely - you don't need to go there. All you need to do is find a way out.

I'm not much good on the housing front. I know the police can help you shift someone if the house is in your name, BUT then he would know where you live.

Our refuge team runs a one stop shop thing, every week, where you can get free legal and housing advice. Did your midwife give you any leaflets about similar in your area?

SoTiredAgain · 12/07/2013 07:59

I'm pretty sure that most housing associations have policies on domestic abuse. You should be able to talk to them in confidence and what your options are. I also think if you provide back up evidence from health professionals, police or ss, then they might be able to rehouse you. But each ha is different. Give them a ring.

Can I just say how brave you are? Keep safe.

laeiou · 12/07/2013 08:04

Re: doctors appointment. Could you say it's a postnatal check, or a HV weight check for your baby? Have you had problems sleeping, maybe the GP would suggest lifestyle changes for that? The idea you have to think about an excuse to talk to a medical professional is sad.

I agree that digging around to identify how much of his story is true or false is not a priority. You could speak to your local police about the laws mentioned upthread (Claire's / Sarah's) to find out if he has a history of behaviour that puts you or your baby at risk. Hopefully anything previously reported would help support you now. As well as WA, there may be local organisations that can help. Maybe your HV / G P surgery would know about that. The receptionists or practice manager may be able to help over the phone until you get an appointment. I also wonder if organisations like Shelter could help regarding your housing situation.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/07/2013 08:10

If the house is in your name and he refuses to leave & gets nasty again then you call the police and have him removed. Please take advice from WA how to achieve that safely.

Original poster
whototurnto · 12/07/2013 09:38

I might fire of an email to shelter this morning whie I'm out.

I've spoken to my ha and the one in the next town, which is where my family are and my ha said that because there are things such as occupation orders etc available there isn't a reason to leave the property. I might see if I have enough time to pop in and speak to them. Just depends on if the jc appt happens on time.

I'm going to phone 101 and sew what I would need to do to have him removed, just in case things kick off. So I know what I need to do to stay safe.

Can you make a report on someone without it being investigated? Just so its on file as it were?

The reason I ask is, when he got home last night, he was drunk and talking shit and he made a comment about us not working and how he would expect certain access etc, I asked him what he meant and he responded with "well, you could have every weekend, once you've proven yourself to the courts and ss" I'm translating that as he would want custody of dd... Fuck. I'm guessing it probably wouldn't be court ordered custody either.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2013 09:42

OP, does he take care of any children you have while you go out to work? Is there any other childcare?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/07/2013 09:44

last night, he was drunk and talking shit and he made a comment about us not working and how he would expect certain access etc, I asked him what he meant and he responded with "well, you could have every weekend, once you've proven yourself to the courts and ss"

He is a very, very frightening man. He is basically threatening you with not seeing your child if you choose to leave him.

Don't fall for his threats, but do arm yourself with information and legal advice. I think you need to add a visit to CAB to your to-do list to reassure yourself about custody arrangements in case of a split. And what you would need to do in order to limit his access, as he appears unstable.

RoooneyMara · 12/07/2013 09:54

'
Can you make a report on someone without it being investigated? Just so its on file as it were?'

absolutely you can. They are happy to log it, they have a domestic abuse specialist trained officer in most forces and will take down these details and give you a reference number.

They will keep it indefinitely. they are usually very very good. Now is the time to get all these people onto your team. Gather as much support as you can - ring WA (or email them) and ask them for your local DV team, they will refer you, or you can call them direct - they will arrange a time to see you and write all this down and give you wraparound advice.

It does sound, worryingly, as though he may have picked up that you are not happy, or that you have detached. Be really cautious. Try your best to act normal.

DameFanny · 12/07/2013 09:56

Womens aid. This man is scary enough to justify taking dd to a refuge and getting relocated.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/07/2013 10:28

"Can you make a report on someone without it being investigated?"

Yes, and you could ask at the same time if he is on file as having been involved in any incidents of domestic abuse or other unstable behaviour. His ex with the child he's mysteriously not allowed to see for no reason, for example

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 12/07/2013 11:23

Smear test? 'womanly' enough not to invite enquiry?

Also, you need to start telling people ASAP, as the more records you have and the more evidence you have the better, especially if there is any chance of him trying to take your dc - he doesn't sound really unstable so I think you need to protect against him

RoooneyMara · 12/07/2013 12:49

Cogito, can you actually get that info from the police?

I thought they would be bound by confidentiality law.

laeiou · 12/07/2013 13:22

OP it sounds like you're getting on with the practical stuff, which is great. I think that the more information you get, the more in control you'll feel.

About his threats and rant last night. This business of him having another child who he has no contact with can only help you and your baby.

And what the ha said- it's maybe not what you want to hear from them, but the message seems to be that you should talk to the police, find out what they can do, lodge an informal note about your situation, and use their might if and when you need to. Also, check his past via Sarah's law and Claire's law.

laeiou · 12/07/2013 13:23

Re: doctors appointment. Could you say it's a postnatal check, or a HV weight check for your baby? Have you had problems sleeping, maybe the GP would suggest lifestyle changes for that? The idea you have to think about an excuse to talk to a medical professional is sad.

I agree that digging around to identify how much of his story is true or false is not a priority. You could speak to your local police about the laws mentioned upthread (Claire's / Sarah's) to find out if he has a history of behaviour that puts you or your baby at risk. Hopefully anything previously reported would help support you now. As well as WA, there may be local organisations that can help. Maybe your HV / G P surgery would know about that. The receptionists or practice manager may be able to help over the phone until you get an appointment. I also wonder if organisations like Shelter could help regarding your housing situation.

laeiou · 12/07/2013 13:25

How odd- after posting one reply, another that I wrote earlier this morning was added afterward. Ignore the duplicate post!

Original poster
whototurnto · 12/07/2013 13:37

Managed to get an email off to shelter regarding advice from ha. Only thing I managed to do because the fucker decided to come with me... I think he knows somethin isn't quite right and he probably thought I was lying about the appt and meeting someone else or something. Twat. Apparently ordering a lawnmower and strimmer are too much for a woman!

I've had my smear recently but I could feign random bleeds or something... It's an idea.

I'll find a reason to go to the shop or something later and ring 101 and see what I can find out. Hopefully, they might be able to give me some information (if there is any) regarding his past.

He's now complaining about the heat and telling me how he's not felt heat like it since he went away with an exchange to Greece. Yeah.... That's why when my step dad (who uses to spend winter in Greece and summers here) asked you something in Greek you couldn't respond.... I so wanted to say but I didn't, just passed him the baby to give a kiss night!

Going to have a nap with the baby now, been up since 4 am...

OP posts:
RoooneyMara · 12/07/2013 13:46

okay. Good idea to have a rest. He is suspicious I think, but don't let it phase you. You are totally, completely in the right, here. Smile

Redorwhitejusthaveboth · 12/07/2013 13:56

Google 'lovefraud' there is some really good stuff there about these men who lie- sociopaths- and how to manage yourself with them.
Women's aid will be able to help you - this type of lying is emotional abuse and him trying to make you think it's you that's mad is called gas lighting.
I was in a relationship similar to yours... I kicked him out... And a few years down the line things are good...
My advice- look after yourself - do whatever you can to be strong health wise and emotionally because the emotional fall out is MASSIVE

I wish you much luck xxx

Original poster
whototurnto · 13/07/2013 07:09

Well, I managed to get through to wa, finally. They advised to call 101 to.get a record of threats. They said they might be able to get me and dd in a refuge and they can advocate for me for the local ha to get me somewhere else. They did ask about him destroying the house, which is something I'd not thought about and how would I pay off the damages? Something else to try and get around.

I'm at a birthday party today for my niece. Dh isn't coming as he doesn't like my sil brother so I will try slip out to call 101 today.

Thank you again for your advice and support. Makes life a lot easier to know I'm not mad!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2013 07:40

"Cogito, can you actually get that info from the police?"

There was a pilot scheme rolled in Greater Manchester allowing new partners to question the background of people. 'Clare's Law' is the shorthand. link. The feedback I've seen suggests that other forces will follow suit. Even if they won't disclose past behaviour just yet, if the OP reports suspicions, they'll have to check out his background.

Ledkr · 13/07/2013 07:52

It sounds as if he has suffered some trauma in childhood which has been triggered by your baby coming.
It maybe that he can't actually remember much therefore is getting mixed or false memories of it.
He definitely needs to see a specialist.
If it is attention seeking then maybe he wants you to raise it with him or suggest he gets help.
However, if you feel worried about your safety then don't hesitate to get away or get him gone until he gets some help.

RoooneyMara · 13/07/2013 08:01

I hope they roll that out nationwide.

Thanks Cogito.

OP - well done for talking to WA, that's a brilliant start, and I hope you manage to speak to someone at 101. And no, you're not mad.

It is possible he will cause damage to the house but that is a side issue imo - you and your little one are far more important.

Did they refer you to any local support? (outreach team etc) as they can often help with the legal and financial side of things.

And no - you are very far from mad Smile (your H on the other hand...!)

RoooneyMara · 13/07/2013 08:04

Ledkr I think he has been telling these weird stories since before the baby arrived and also he threatened her into marrying him.

I don't think it's a problem triggered recently iyswim.