*warning* potentail triggers - dh

[whototurnto]

I've NC for this, mainly as I'm very worries this would out me.

My dh seems to have started coming out with very random lies that are getting more and more concerning.

Basically, he has always told me his mum beat him from the age of 7. There are a few versions of the reason it started, it was because he stole a pound coin or he got home late from school.
In his teenage years he tried to commit suicide by jumping off a wall, according to him, he claims to have broken most of his joints and his leg, his knees required surgery and his has pins in them. There are no scars on his knees and as this was over 16years ago, im thinking key hole surgery wasn't reallu around then.

He claims he got taken into care at 13. The people who fostered him don't exist, his teacher, who was his saving grace didn't work at the school he went to until 4 years after he left.

He claims his dad stabbed his mum when she was pg with twins... Him and his brother. According to him, his dad stabbed his brother in the head and that's the day he was born. His mother (ice had a few conversations with her before he decided he was not having contact again) has never mentioned this twin, has said that her first husband left her for an ow and has been honest that her eldest may not be her first husbands as she was having an affair herself and yet, she has never mentioned violence or anything.

He claims his sister was abusing him. From the age if 8 to when he left. He says the abuse was sexual but when he told his mum, his sister said it was him and that's why he ended up in care. I have issues with this. Surely the police would have investigated this? That's just one issue.

All the while he talks about this terrible childhood, he also mentions the fact that he went to this holiday park at 10 and tells me all about how him and his siblings used to play in the local park... He was supposedly locked in his room.

I really don't know what to do. If I confront him, it will be me seen as the evil nasty bitch who doesn't believe him.

Any suggestions as to what I could do. I was tempted to report it to the police but I'm petrified it will come back on me.

you could speak to the school yourself and ask about teacher history im sure they will give you the information if they have it

He sounds like a fantasist and a sociopath

Are you married to this man ? How on earth did you get that far without challenging this stuff ?

So have you ever met his mum or sister or any of his real or foster family?

What about friends... Has he got any? Have you met them?

Work colleagues, met any of them?

Everyone I know has fallen hook line and sinker for this story and think he is so brave to have got through what he went through.

I've spoken to my sil about it and she basically spent the whole conversation making excuses for him. I never mentioned the abuse or the child though.

Lulu, his name begins with a p.

Bugs, there was a whole other family at the address at the time he said he was there and the family he said fostered him, never existed.

Sorry, just re-read they you've had s few conversations with his mum.

Red flags everywhere here.

Does he have two sisters, then?
Is he a twin, or did his father supposedly kill a non-existent twin?

You don't seem to notice how much fear shows in your posts. I'm worried that you have normalised this 'living with the enemy' scenario. Doing that makes you vulnerable, because you lose sight of normal boundaries and fail to recognise threats. You can get obsessed by trying to stay one step ahead. This locks you into a power game. You can't win the game.

You've been very brave to run the checks you have - now you're certain he isn't the man you thought you married. It took guts to face that.

Please leave now. His stories - truths and lies - are dark and violent. You and your baby live with a liar, whose thoughts and fantasies are of baby stabbing and child sexual abuse.

By the bye - discovering that your life has been built on lies can be incredibly traumatic. I was reading something recently about the severe PTSD experienced by victims who were in relationships with undercover detectives (being used as cover.) When you get the hell out of there, please see a doctor. I strongly recommend you call Women's Aid now, and get their support.

Wishing you well.

I do not know how one gets a Criminal Background Check but I know it is done for day care providers, Scout leaders, probably teachers but that's a guess.

You do not trust him to leave your child with him. Do you think you should call Women's Aid? Maybe get into a refuge?

Good luck.

I didn't want to get married but I was railroaded into it by my family as he told them we were getting married. He also made a few thinly veiled threats regarding marriage so I felt I had no choice.

I've met friends but he only seems to have 2 or 3 that he has something to do with on a regular basis. It's almost like when someone discovers the truth about him, he stops contact and expects me to do the same. It's what actually made me start checking somethings out.

I didn't want to get married but I was railroaded into it by my family as he told them we were getting married. He also made a few thinly veiled threats regarding marriage so I felt I had no choice.

I've met friends but he only seems to have 2 or 3 that he has something to do with on a regular basis. It's almost like when someone discovers the truth about him, he stops contact and expects me to do the same. It's what actually made me start checking somethings out.

Can I just ask when he tells you these things? Is it if you're remembering something from your past and he joins in with these comments? Is it when he thinks you're going to yell at him for something else? Is it to gain sympathy? Is it really vital to him that you believe him, IYSWIM?

Oh good God.

This is systematic abuse my love.

I have never read anything so frightening on MN.

You need to talk to someone, asap - your GP would be a great place to start. Tell them how afraid of this man you are, that he threatened you into marriage and so on. It is really shocking. You need help, don't be ashamed to accept it. You are in a dangerous situation.

DO NOT tell him that you have been on here, or what we have told you. If you look at the womens aid website (anyone got a quick link?) there's a tab at the top right saying 'cover your tracks' and it tells you what to do so he can't find it on your internet history.

You could be in REAL danger if he finds out you're onto him.

Please keep posting when you can, we are here for you.

You need to get some help. My xh told me lies such a these tbh I still have no idea wtf was true and what wasn't I know the majority was lies. Now we are apart he with someone else and still seems to do it. I wonder if he believes his own lies.

Try get some help through WA and keep talking on here.

He can come out with them at any time. During conversation that's not related to these things, he's used them in disagreements about stuff like housework but there's not really a trigger as such.

I already clear my history, he knows I use mn but he doesn't know my user name or email I signed up with.

He is out (rare occurrence) so I will phone woman's aid once baby is asleep.

Thank you all for posting. I have had my fears confirmed and tbh, I'm glad I posted but now terrified that this is as bad as it seems iyswim. I will try get to the gp, I need a reason to go but I'm sure I can figure out something.

OP, I am very concerned about you phoning WA tonight. Will you know when he's back? I can't bear to think what might happen if he came home while you were on the phone. Does he go to work? Might it be safer to call then?

When you call them, remember last number redial will ring them again.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I think he is very much invested in keeping things the way they are, it is unlikely that he will do anything sudden, as long as you behave like you're none the wiser, and everything is normal.

Make an escape plan but do it quietly. You have got to get out of this, for your child's sake at least so please don't feel in the slightest bit guilty. Don't let him know that anything has changed. You sound fairly detached already which is GREAT.

He's out for a while, I called him so he could say good night to the baby and they had just ordered a take away so I'm guessing he will be there for at least another hour or so, probably longer. He doesn't work. Hasn't done for years.

I will call my brother straight after so nothing is amiss.

Rooney, I think giving me that scare has helped. I just need to figure out how the hell I'm gonna get away.

Well done, lovely, and good luck.

Can you rustle up a urinary infection or something, need to go to the doctor's at short notice? When you tell your GP about your fears, they SHOULD be able to get through to Women's Aid on a special number and arrange for you & DC to be whisked away. This has worked for some Mumsnetters, but equally some GPs have been worse than useless. It's a good idea to cover all your bases - and above all, stay safe!

Oh gosh, you are in a bit of a situation aren't you! You sound quite isolated too, have I got that right?

Doesn't sound like you've got many people on your side... For instance, a loving and normal family wouldn't have expected you to get married if they knew he's told them before asking you... That worries me.

Keep posting on here if you're finding it helps, mumsnet can be really supportive and just writing stuff down can help you think about it more clearly. But please please do find out how to delete Internet history, & make sure your log in details are not easy to guess and not stored anywhere... Also the email address you used to create an account here, is that really private and untraceable?

You do sound detached which, right now, is helpful. The avalanche will come later.

You were railroaded into marrying a man you clearly didn't know a whole lot about...by his choice. That alone is abusive.

This all worsened after baby, classic attention seeker.

You know this is not right, normal, a real marriage. He is abusive and possibly deranged or at least, very ill.

You need more RL support and if possible, more of these stories checked out. A PI maybe?

I do think you need to get you and baby away as who knows where this could lead. Have you somewhere to go? Well done on trying Women's Aid but this is truly a shocker to read. Use that detachment to stay alert and safe.

FWIW The only person I know who would immerse themselves in bizarre delusions where everyone was out to get them (and which they genuinely believed were true) was suffering at the time from paranoid schizophrenia. Whether that is the case here, only a qualified doctor could diagnose but he is certainly unstable, either deliberately or otherwise.

Glad you're taking steps to get yourself out

My stbxh was similar. Awful childhood that didn't add up, got a lot worse once baby was born.

He can ask for his childhood SS and medical records under Data Protection Act, only the person themselves can do this. Perhaps ask Women's Aid or non emergency Police number and ask if they can put you in touch with Domestic Violence team to see if they can advise how you can find out if there is something sinister relating to the sister or the child he doesn't have contact with.

In any case someone who threatens you, lies and manipulates you is not good for you or your dd. My ex escalated and escalated until he got violent, then came crawling back and screwed us around for a while before finding someone new, who I am sure is getting an interesting version of his backstory.

Morning all, I didn't manage to get through to wa last night but I am out today with an appt at the job centre so I'm going to try again.

I'm thinking I need something that doesn't require any prescription.. shall have to have a think.

This email and my mn account is a seperate account to my usual one and the passwords are different to the ones I usually use so he can't use them.

Double - my family are very traditional and very much pro us getting married as we had a child... I just felt like I had no choice. My sil is probably the only person I could talk to but she couldn't offer practical help.

One thing that's worrying me is the house is a ha house and is in my name only. I've managed to keep that in my name only, I'm not sure how! The issue is, if I leave here, even for a dv situation, I will be classed as making myself intentionally homeless. There is no way I could afford to go into private rent and finding a ll that takes housing benefit is like trying to find rocking horse crap.

Just to add, I'm not sure what else I could do to check out his stories, I have done what I can and reached these conclusions so I think on that front I'm probably done.